Saturday, 27 June 2020

Greta Thunberg Exposed as 35 Year Old Man



As Alter Ego Jones


Thunberg
















































There was shock in absolutely no quarters today as pint sized, baby faced, pain in the arse activist Owen Jones was exposed as Greta Thunberg.

The, in hindsight blatantly obvious, discovery was made half an hour ago by Satire Editor in Chief Tam Laird while munching a bowl of corn flakes and lazily perusing the internet in bed.

"I was lazily perusing the internet in bed, looking for porn as usual, in the interests of journalistic research naturally. I began trying to type in Greta Milos the "actress" but, embarrassingly. before I  knew what was happening there were loads of fully clothed pics of  the stunning and brave Swedish wunderbrat Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg . I was wiping milk and cereal off my computer screen. Disappointing to say the least. It was at that moment I put two and two together and realised who "she" really was. When you think of it, you've never seen those two together."

The Satire  caught up with the 35 year old lefty gobshite Jones on his way home from a BLM Transgender vegan basket weaving workshop and confronted "him" over the deception.

"How DAAAAaare you" he snarled at our reporter. "I identify as a 17 year old Swedish schoolgirl and as my Marxist principles are perfectly in line with modern environmentalist dogma there's no deception involved. Now get out of my way you bigot I have to finish my homework"

But BBC political grandee Andrew Neil hit out..

"For fucks sakes had I have known that we could have saved time and a fortune by not having to grill the cunts separately."

Owen Jones is a twat.




Thursday, 11 June 2020

Activists Demand Lobey Dosser Statue be Removed


The Offending Article



Left wing activists in the city of Glasgow have demanded the removal and melting down of a fictional comic strip character's statue.

The Sheriff of Calton Creek, Lobey Dosser, pictured above on his bipedal steed El Fideldo. His nemesis Rank Bajin riding pillion, has incurred the wrath of some middle class crusties with nothing better to worry about. The character was created by Partick poet and cartoonist Bud Neill for the Evening Times in 1949 and the much loved statue created by Tony Morrow and Nick Gillon has stood in the city's Woodlands area since 1992. But all that may change if one group of social justice heroes gets it's way.

Ranting and raving and slavering like a rabid dug, 21 year old Sinead O'Harridan from a group calling itself Bland Lives Matter yelled at The Satire..

" The people of Glasgow demand the immediate removal and destruction of this disgusting racist symbol of patriarchal tyranny before we do it ourselves. This sort of so called humorous homunculus is a blot on the landscape and a stain on the reputation of the city."

Asked what exactly her travesty was zhe thundered on..

 Where do I begin? Well first off he's just another old white man with a beard. Are there no women with beards? What about Mary Beard? Ok, she might not have a beard, but she could grow one.

Secondly his nemesis is black, reinforcing the stereotypical trope that black folk are all criminals.

Thirdly he was always harassing Big Chief Toffee Teeth and his Pawnee tribe, the racist, colonialist imperialist hairy bastard.

Fourth, the character of Fairy Nuff was clearly a crack at the expense of the LGBTQ + community.

Fifth the name Lobey Dosser is highly offensive to homeless people.

Finally just look, there's two grown men on that poor horse with only two legs which is cruelty to animals and exploiting the disabled. What more do you want you fascist scum?

At that zhe kicked our reporter in the bollocks then together with Mhairi Black MP vandalised the statue.

On regaining consciousness our man on the ground asked local tradesman, and regular Satire rent- a- quote, Frankie Douglas (40) what he thought of the demands.

"Yer kiddin? Naw, seriously? Ye ur kiddin ...aren't ye? Fur fuck's sakes that mad bint isnae even fae Glesga, she moved here fae Buckinghamshire last week. What's next, take doon Desperate Dan's statue in Dundee coz he ate Coo Pies and meat is murder? Ah gie up."

First Minister and authoritarian clown Nicola Sturgeon waded into the argument.

"I think this is just ridiculous. I demand to know who put this atrocity up in the first place. I can assure my left wing voters that this disgraceful sculpture will be destroyed and it's creators prosecuted as soon as we finish ripping doon Desperate Dan in Dundee."

Nicola Sturgeon is insane.




Friday, 3 April 2020

Police Granted Powers to Make You Stand on One Leg and go Blibble Blibble Blibble

Mr. Fairweather - Blythe of Woking was "perfectly happy" to oblige


From our Legal Correspondent: Carlton Mingles Q.C

British Police have been granted new powers by parliament to help combat the spread of Covid-19.

In a special sitting last night MPs voted overwhelmingly to pass the Clearlysomethingmustbedone Act 2020, paragraph 2 subsection 3 clause c.
Effectively as of midnight last night it will be within police remit to oblige citizens to stand on one leg, put one finger in their ear and go "Blibble, blibble blibble"on their lips with the other hand.

In the wording of the act "constabulary must ensure the action is executed as prescribed, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. The index finger of the right hand in the right aural orrifice and the lips blibbled thrice with the first three fingers of the left hand. No more. No less. Failure to comply immediately and precisely will result in arrest, and conviction without trial to imprisonment for a minimum of 6 months. Heil Healthcare!"

Many opposition MPs are incensed by the legislation.
MP for Birmingham & Stalingrad Jess Phillips thundered in a faux working class accent....
 "This is far too little too late from this Tory Fascist government. Police should have been granted these powers years ago, and should go even further. Men in particular should be forced to carry out these actions wherever they are found. but it shouldn't be their fingers they should have to stuff in their misogynistic ears. It would stop them raping everything in sight, I can tell you."

Scottish First Monster Nicola Sturgeon complained..
 " This draconian legislation has been rushed through without any consultation whatsoever. It's no fair. I thought of this idea first. We were just about to implement it too when the UK parliament rushed it through. Now I have to think of some way to jock it up. Perhaps force people to wear a See You Jimmy hat and hum Floer O Scotland while they do it. "

Peter Hitchens of The Mail on Sunday blasted the government in his column stating..
 " These ludicrous and intrusive measures will have little effect on the spread of the virus. The government should concentrate on solving the whole root of the problem. The abolition of grammar schools. "

However his colleague at the Mail Piers Moron counter blasted..
 "Anyone who has the temerity to question sensible and precautionary measures such as these is quite simply a heartless bastard who wants people to die a horrible, coughing spluttering and highly politicised death. Shame on them"

When our correspondent put it to him that his mate Donald Trump was himself an initial sceptic of the voracity of the virus. Moron called him a cunt and threw him out of his Taxi.

One member of the public who's been stopped and tested 6 times already by the police was highly supportive.
 "We all have to do our bit you know. Just like the war. I'm perfectly happy to oblige as I have nothing to hide. If you aren't doing anything wrong why would you worry?"
Said 43 yo insurance broker from Surrey Rupert Fairweather- Blythe. He added..
" We should bring back National Service while we are at it. "
Asked whether he'd been in the services himself he replied..
"Yes. 14 months St. John's Ambulance." And strutted off self righteously down the Strand.

A PR spokesperson for the police told The Satire..
 "Look, these powers won't be used excessively, they will be only used in extremis. Such as when a women is seen loitering aimlessly on a railway platform.  When someone looks a bit odd. If they happen to be wearing football colours of a team that an officer doesn't like. When you're jogging less than 2m behind a fit looking bird that the officer wants to impress. Or anytime we fancy making you look a total arse."

 " Cough, wheeeeeze, splutter, cough, bleeeurgh, wiff waff. "

Said the Prime Minister(55)

Friday, 5 April 2019

"Brexit a Total Disaster" Says Posh Bint



Cornelia with her horse 'Soubry' that she "imported very cheaply from the continent"

Interview by our Chinless Wonder Correspondent: Sir Charlton Mingle-Mingleton III (MC, DSO, and BAR)



Brexit. What is it? Why is it important? Who uses it? Should we be afraid of it?
A resounding "yes!" to all three questions according to serial wife and professional clotheshorse, Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe. She pontificates condescendingly to our very own Charlton Mingle- Mingleton of that Ilk.

Satire: What's your view of what's happened so far?

Cornelia: Well it's awful, isn't it, simply awful with that frightful woman Theresa whatever her name is, just arsing everything up completely. I mean who made her in charge, with her ghastly wardrobe and gauche shoes. Well really.

Satire: Yes. Many people feel betrayed by the fact that this being one of the most decisive votes in UK history, the government is failing to carry out the clear will of the majority and...

Cornelia: Look here. All this rot about democracy is all very well but democracy should be about getting things right, and here the people quite obviously got it wrong. Who put them in charge? With their ghastly wardrobes and their gauche white vans? The vehicles I mean, not those awful shoes. And their nasty parochial bigoted views. Hugo and I live here in the Cotswolds half the year and it's very difficult to get help as it is. I mean what are we to do if we get out of Europe? 
We have a wonderful maid named .......um...well her name is perfectly unpronounceable, it's some sort of foreign name. She comes from Russia or Poland or something or other... Hugooo?! (Shouts to her husband in the next room) Where's that girl from? You know, the one who cleans up and cooks? Oh well it matters not, the point is she's very very cheap and sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs. Can I get someone local to do that? Can I buggery, so there you have it.

Satire: What's your view of what should be the next step? How should Theresa May's government proceed? Should we bite the bullet and go for no deal, or do you think another referendum is the best way forward?

Cornelia: Another vote would certainly stave things off for a while. Should that go wrong we can always do it again. Until these so called people get it right. For the love of god, it's perfectly simple. I have a Spanish gardener, I think his name is Jose, at least that's what I call him because he's always watering the plants. But the point is he's very very cheap and who else will I get to clean up my dog's shit from the patio or muck out the stables for next to nothing? I mean reaallly.

Satire: What do you say to the accusation that people like yourself are only really concerned about your own narrow self interest and don't really care about the wider implications of remaining in the EU especially for ordinary working people?

Cornelia: Working people?Well I beg your pardon but how do you think I pay for all this?( waves her hand around at the various paintings and objects d'art) My last two husbands both went bankrupt and left me with next to nothing. I'm down to only two horses in the stables, Hugo works bloody hard as an Investment Banker which, God love him, hardly pays the bills. So I have to keep up my modelling career, which of course doesn't pay what it used to thanks to competition from these Eastern European girls. I know what a hard days work is, thank you very much. I've done a couple and it's no joke.

Satire: So how do you think a no deal Brexit will affect you?

Cornelia: Well my daughter Lucy is at school in Switzerland, so christ knows what we will have to do there. Hugo and I have a second home down in the Dordogne.....or is it Alsace? (Hugo shouts through "It's both") How are we supposed to get there? Not to mention all our vineyard workers come from Romania or some godforsaken place. What do we do about that, employ French people? Fuck that! I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm jolly angry about this. This is the harsh reality that people like me are faced with when you let democracy loose on the unwashed.


Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe(33) is a fund raiser for People's Vote














Tuesday, 29 January 2019

"Remarkable" and Rare Photograph of Peter Hitchens Smiling Goes on Sale


Former Bolshevik Bastard Hitchens in a momentary lapse of decorum

By our Arts Correspondent: C. Mingles


A rare picture of Mail on Sunday columnist Peter Hitchens laughing is set to go on sale at Sotheby’s.

The extraordinary moment was captured by amateur photographer TonyBartley(22) who had been in the audience at a recent Question time appearance by the Bishop bothering journalist.

“I knew I was on to something special when it happened”.
Said the elated snapper on the phone to Satire art correspondent Cholmondley Mingles this morning.

“Every photographer dreams of capturing that special moment in time, and creating something Iconic. I just knew instinctively after a woman in the audience agreed with him ' heartily ' about grammar schools, that the notorious Jeremiah was about to break character and show us his pearlies. A truly remarkable incident now captured on film for posterity. A good thing too as no-one would have believed it otherwise. "

Not quite as “remarkable” as it could have been however according to Sotheby’s photo specialist Lisette Asquith. She told The Satire...

 “ At first we thought the photograph was a lot rarer as it was initially reported that he wasn’t chuntering on about grammar schools at the time of capture. I was initially sceptical about that, and my reservations turned out to be correct. A great shame as it could have fetched a much higher price at auction. Only last year a photograph of John Pilger grinning inanely and not banging on about East Timor sold to a collector in New York for $750,000. We rather hoped this one of Mr. Hitchens would have broke the Million mark. Bollocks!”

A spokesman for Mr. Hitchens said...

 "Peter is doing penance at the moment by kneeling on broken glass and flagellating himself with an old copy of The Guardian. So he can't talk. But he wishes it known that he is thoroughly ashamed of what he calls a "shameful and unforgivable display of un-Britishness and lack of dignified reserve. "

Original reports claimed that he'd been laughing at a, what turned out to be fake, news item that Russel Brand had died tragically in an horrific hairdressing accident. Though Ironically and disappointingly those turned out to be  pish as well.

Peter Hitchens is younger than you expect him to be.



Saturday, 11 February 2017

Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!


Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday


From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.




Tuesday, 6 December 2016

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