Scottish Feminists Demand Men "Be Feart of Mice."

EEEeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! A mouse, like what women are feart of, in classic attack mode.

Hunners of unattractive women lobbied the Scottish government yesterday and demanded something be done about the mouse menace.

Xena MacHarridan (none of your fucking business) the chairperson for SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things) told The Satire while brandishing a bread knife..

"For far to long the Patriarchy has tolerated these so-called wee cowerous timorous beasties plaguing the lives of the sisterhood. Something must be done. While it's true that there are many women who aren't feart of mice and many men who are, this only highlights the inequality built into the system. Much much more could be done to help women."

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir Richard Attenborough at his mansion last night. "As I told you cunts before I know fuck all about animals and especially mice!" He said wearily and slammed down the phone.

"Jumping Fuck!" Exclaimed Sir David Attenborough at the BBC last night. It's only a mouse. It can't harm you and if anything it's more afraid of YOU. I know I certainly am. I think the ladies need to chill the fuck out and be less hysterical."

"That's it, blame the victim why don't you. This is the kind of outdated male attitude we are trying to stamp out. It's about time men started to empathise a bit more. We already tried to make women less feart of mice by explaining things logically. It's not working. It's far easier for men to take some responsibility and start being feart of mice as well, bringing about more gender equality." Ms. MacHarridan gibbered on.

Among the many mental demands she and her sisters have put before Alex Neil the Minister for Gender equality are :

• Free stools for women to jump on when accosted by a mouse.
• A free broom to try to hit the we bugger with as it darts about terrified.
• That males as young as 6 weeks old be traumatised with mice in their cot, and propagandised with nazi style public information films on the evils and dangers of mice.
• That it be made illegal to be unafraid of mice and beasties in general.
• That cartoons showing mice in a positive light IE. Mickey Mouse, Danger Mouse, Speedy Gonzalez etc. be banned.
• That mice be re-educated and taught how not to harass women.

"That final demand should be accompanied by a government funded nation wide poster and TV ad campaign targeting mice. 'Don't be THAT Mouse' should be the tag line. Men should also be made to wear a skirt when confronting a mouse, so that they can fully appreciate the horror involved in the insane primordial notion that it might run up your leg and get stuck in your jacky danny." Said Xena finally putting the knife back in her handbag.

Meerkat Does Something.

(Left: Our artist's impression of the alleged occurrence)

(Right: Meerkat in more familiar looking around nervously mode)

A Glasgow man "couldnae fuckin believe it" , when he went away from his television set for a minute to have a pish and something allegedly happened.

Frankie Douglas(31) an electrician from Partick had been half way through his umpteenth boring episode of The BBC's Meerkat Diaries when he decided it was fairly safe to go for slash.

" I was half way through my umpteenth boring episode when I thought 'Fuck this bollocks I'm gonnae have a pish'. I just lobbed oot ma boaby an started to pee when my girlfriend Mags started shouting an bawling an doin her nut. 'Hurry up! Wan ae yon rats is daen somethin.' Of course I thought she was kidding me on. But she swears blind that wan ae thae we bastards done somethin unusual the minute ma back was turned. Fuckin typical. Hour after bastard hour of watching the we cunts daein nine tenths of shag all, an the split second a look away somethin supposedly happened. Thank fuck I don't pay ma licence fee."

Sir Richard Attenborough(103) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " I know fuck all about Meerkats, sorry luvvy, I think you should Speak to my brother."

Sir David Attenborough(101) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " Holy Jesus! Meerkats! Don't talk to me about Meerkats. I've got the bastards coming out my arse. If you think watching them is a cunt. Try filming the twats. I'd wipe them out. Thank fuck I don't pay my licence fee."

The Satire is offering a free years subscription to anyone with any evidence of Meerkats doing anything other than running about furtively , eating an insect, or looking around the place.