Operation Yew Tree Arrests Test Card Clown

Days of  Innocence: In retrospect,. Are we surprised?

In a staggering new development, police under the aegis of operation Yew Tree have arrested Bubbles the test card clown off of the 70's. 

The 65 year old farceur was arrested at his home in a charity shop window in Staines Surrey by plain clothes officers. Police gave no more information other than a mannequin  in his sixties had been detained in connection with allegations of sexual offences carried out at the BBC between 1967 and 1984.

Friends and family alike are said to be absolutely shocked. "I'm absolutely shocked." Said Carole Hersee his co star in the popular transmissions. "He was always so quiet, but then again it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Of course you also have to watch the not so quiet ones like Stuart Hall I suppose. Dear oh dear." She continued placing her hand over her mouth.

Others however have always had their suspicions. "I always had my suspicions! Snapped B-list celebrity arsehole and slapper Kerry Katona. "I remember me and the girls were at the BBC doing a rehearsal for TOTP and Bubbles was being carried past us in a box. We were doing a raunchy routine, jiggling our tits and showing our arses and knickers while making pelvic thrusts and sucking our fingers. Completely necessary to convey the message of 'The Tide is High'. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Bubbles looking at us in a pervy way. Disgusting."

Fellow TV star Zippy from Rainbow spoke up in defence of the clown yesterday. "This is absurd. It was the 70's for fucksakes. It was well understood that if you were a tasty bird of whatever dubious age and you set foot anywhere near a TV star, producer, or Radio DJ you were up for it. These tarts knew the score. Gold diggers the lot of them. I groped Jane's arse loads of times and she didn't mind. Of course it wouldn't have mattered if she did, we would have just sacked her. Everyone knew she was shagging Bungle anyway. Slut!"

Bubbles was unavailable for comment today as he was in custody, and a fucking puppet.

"I Can't get a Shag." Moans Celebrity Pair of Tits

            An apparently unloved pair of tits. Everybody! Aaaaaaaaaawwwww.

A famous walking, talking, occasionally acting pair of tits had a right greet about not getting any to anyone credulous enough to listen to her shite last week.

"God knows what I have to do." Gret the 49 year old fit looking pair of tits on legs to our bored reporter. "I think men must be intimidated by my celebrity status and sheer Hellenic beauty.They just never ever ask me out. My Jackie Danny has all but healed up."

As the news broke out 300,000,000 horny blokes worldwide choked on their beer then pissed themselves a laughing in complete disbelief and derision.

"Obviously when you earn 40 Squillion Dollars a year and live in Beverly Hills it's a bit difficult to get chatted up by a bloke who earns 50 Squillion, when you are past your best and are competing with a legion of 18-30 year old aspiring actresses who will suck George Clooney's cock for nowt. I think that's what she means." Said pub philosopher and bitter cynic Tom Laird (44)who asked not to be named as he's in enough trouble with the sisterhood. "Has she tried putting on a mini skirt and going to a bar full of squaddies?" He continued naively.

Chartered Accountant Mike Cohen from New York added. "I agree with Tom. I had the misfortune to share an elevator with Ms Pairoftits in a plush hotel in Paris. I'd heard all this guff before about how these beautiful  women never get approached so 'I thought what the hey, I'll give it a shot. ' I presented my business card and said' Hi there, I hope you don't mind my being forward but would you join me for a drink lat......' That's as far as I got before she screamed 'NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ' at the top of her voice, drove her handbag into my face with both hands in rhythm to the 'No's' then maced me in the eyes and mouth. So you could say the results were disappointing. Thank the Lord I didn't tell her about wanting to cum all over her ass."

Speaking from San Quentin prison, former celebrity stalker Dwayne Frottage fumed. "This adds insult to injury. I left her over 4000 texts, made 3000 phone calls, pestered her at work and at home and jerked off into her undies. What do I get? Banged up in a cell with a black gangster who calls me Mary. There's no justice. If I had have been rich, famous and handsome instead of a 16 stone geek with greasy hair and a hygiene problem it would have been wedding bells and not a lawsuit." He was then dragged backwards by the heels into his cell by a 230 pound negro wearing lipstick.

Courtney Cox is full of shit.

Idiot Calls For Resignation Of Oaf

Kent threatens to "come over there and knock your c**t in Millaband!"

Janet Ringpiece (a feminist)

Justice Minister Clarke Kent was both called upon to resign and called "a dick" in Parliament yesterday.


The call was made by Wallace from Wallace & Grommet-a-like and opportunist mangina, Glenn Millaband after Mr. Kent seemed to make out that some crimes were a great deal more serious than others.
 His calls were echoed by thousands of hairy arsed harridans. One of whom, Janet Ringpiece (49) ,raged at The Satire " Theft is theft. To suggest that the man who sneaks over my garden wall and helps himself to a pair of my generously proportioned and deliberately unattractive knickers off my washing line, is any less a criminal than the man who breaks into my bedroom, bludgeons me in the face with a claw hammer, then makes off with all my life's savings, is absurd. They should all be castrated. Especially that fat twat Kent."

Mr Kent stood by his principles and was unmoved until it looked like he might lose his rather lucrative position. "Look here." He said, not pointing anywhere in particular, "I'm not going to apologise to anybody over this but I am extremely sorry to anyone to whom I caused offence and who's popularity in the polls might drop as a result of these remarks that I don't apologise for. I'm certainly not going to resign over it I can guaranfuckintee you that." He growled. He then received a mobile phone call from David Cameron and looked a bit worried.

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Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway

(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)

(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.

Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted. 

Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.

Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:

• Common Scoldery:                                                             Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
• Fishwivery:                                                                     One Duck            1 min
• Meddlesome Ratbaggery:                                               Three                    1 min
• Burning my dinner:                                                         Four                     2 min
• Gasbaggery:                                                                   Two                      1 min
• Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:

Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.

We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."

The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.
         

Men Embarassed Over Burlesque Confusion

( Right: Slapper.Totally Different.

(Bellow:Burlesque Artiste)

Thousands of men all over the World, but mainly one in Edinburgh, were ashamed today to realise they have been getting sexually aroused by perfectly respectable performance artistes.

"I'm thoroughly digusted wi maself." Cried 42 year old Tom Laird, ruggedly handsome yet witty,sensitive and intelligent reporter and Editor in Chief of The Satire. "There I was regularly spanking one out to the likes of Dita Von Teese, Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman in that shite film with Ewan McGregor about Paris and that. Now I realise that what they were doing has nothing whatsoever to do with stripping and is something totally different, I don't know where to look. I feel such a fool. I can only offer my sincere apologies to these lovely ladies for any offence caused and will assure them that from now on I will only tug myself off to them when they are not doing Burlesque."

These sentiments were shared by by men from New York to Hong Kong. Mulenga Bwalya(28) from Lusaka Zambia used to relieve himself discretely under the table at an internet cafe in the city's Cairo Road on a daily basis to the likes of Dita Von Teese,Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and "Madam Nicole Kidman in that most bad film with the Scottish man who rides motorbikes in Africa. But now God has shown me the error of my ways I am very sorry to those very wonderful women. I will only play with my chikala when they are not Burlesqeuing."

Deng Shiu Pong(31) from Shanghai told The Satire, " I am most confused. I thought these women were sexy and alluring. Now I have found out that they are professional artistes I am very annoyed with myself. I like very much Dita Von Teese, and the other ones the other two guys like as well as Nicole Kidman in that awful film with Charlie Boorman in it. I am very sorry and humbled that I spent much time masturbating like sick monkey. From now on I will be very careful to only jerk off to strippers."

Burlesque is an art form invented in the olden days when women weren't allowed to do striptease until they'd finished all the housework. It has had a recent resurgence due to the fact it allows middle class girls to prance about scantily clad. Getting their jollies whilst simultaneously looking down their noses at working class girls who get their kit off and rub their tits in men's faces for a living.

 "Burlesque is an art form yeah. It's about female empowerment and expressing yourself. Men should not be getting turned on by it at all. It makes me very angry. Perverts!" Said Miss Imogen Waiterose aka 'Pousez Lix'(26), looking through her legs while bending over in fishnet stockings.

Mr Laird's trial continues at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.

HAIKU NEWS!!!! Just In.

                                            

 ( Above Left:  Slut )                                                                                (Above Right: Clearly innocent and handsome Man)

Man, Pub, Edinburgh,drunk. 

Sexy girl. Short Skirt. 

Man hand. Girl scream. Fight, police. Statement, "gagging for it".

Report Procurator Fiscal.

Tom Laird who cannot be named for legal reasons is 41.