New Social Network "Shitter" Launched

(Above: The Ideal Shitter set up as favoured by Stephen Fry)

Geeks, pedants and trainspotters worldwide are cock-a-hoop today as a brand new pointless social networking site is launched.

Sitting Happily In The Toilet Existentially Remonstrating or Shitter to it's fans, went online at 06:00 GMT accompanied by a mass band of Tubas playing ELP's Fanfare for the Common Man. In honour of the auspicious occasion. The singer and song writer Kate Melua released a special Edition of her hit single,This is the Closest Thing to Crazy, on which she farts out the tune by placing one hand in her armpit, flapping her opposite elbow frantically. No mean feat to achieve, let alone describe without footage.

First to sign up was well known polymath,wit and huffy twat Stephen Fry. " Oh I know all the Jeremiah's and Luddites out there will be throwing up there hands in despair saying 'oh whats the bloody point', but I for one can tell them it's tremendous fun and highly informative. Certainly not as nasty and vindictive as Twitter."

Stephen as a wit and Shitter, or Shitwit as they are known. Hopes to Shite at least twenty times a day. A typical example could look like this:

07:45 GMT . Morning Shitters. Just logging on and out...haha...regular as clockwork me...NNnnngggg..Ahhhhh...bit solid this morning...to much....Nnggggggg roughage I fear..I notice Gordon Brown...NNNnnnnnnn...CCCHhhrist!!! ...Oh bother there's somebody at the door.

08:01 GMT . Back again...Bloody postman..here we go...maybe this time...Aaaaaarrrgghhh NNNNNggg...Jesus the unholy stench.....I really must purchase some laxative...at my age it's ... UUUUUUUUUgghhhhh..God help me.... feels like a bowling ball....I see Westminster Abbey has a new....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh.....At last...sweet relief....Fuck..forgot to buy bog roll...have to do the penguin walk to the kitchen now. Back soon.

Following Stephen's endorsement other celebrities are queuing up to keep the world appraised of their bowel movements, interspersed with plops of rapier sharp social comment.

I know this reporter has signed up to Lily Allen's. Hopefully there's a webcam.

Meerkat Does Something.

(Left: Our artist's impression of the alleged occurrence)

(Right: Meerkat in more familiar looking around nervously mode)

A Glasgow man "couldnae fuckin believe it" , when he went away from his television set for a minute to have a pish and something allegedly happened.

Frankie Douglas(31) an electrician from Partick had been half way through his umpteenth boring episode of The BBC's Meerkat Diaries when he decided it was fairly safe to go for slash.

" I was half way through my umpteenth boring episode when I thought 'Fuck this bollocks I'm gonnae have a pish'. I just lobbed oot ma boaby an started to pee when my girlfriend Mags started shouting an bawling an doin her nut. 'Hurry up! Wan ae yon rats is daen somethin.' Of course I thought she was kidding me on. But she swears blind that wan ae thae we bastards done somethin unusual the minute ma back was turned. Fuckin typical. Hour after bastard hour of watching the we cunts daein nine tenths of shag all, an the split second a look away somethin supposedly happened. Thank fuck I don't pay ma licence fee."

Sir Richard Attenborough(103) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " I know fuck all about Meerkats, sorry luvvy, I think you should Speak to my brother."

Sir David Attenborough(101) speaking exclusively to The Satire said, " Holy Jesus! Meerkats! Don't talk to me about Meerkats. I've got the bastards coming out my arse. If you think watching them is a cunt. Try filming the twats. I'd wipe them out. Thank fuck I don't pay my licence fee."

The Satire is offering a free years subscription to anyone with any evidence of Meerkats doing anything other than running about furtively , eating an insect, or looking around the place.

Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire. 

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of  the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In  February 2006.  Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting  a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of  Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.

       

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.

The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 

Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:

• Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
• Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
• Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
• Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
• Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
• Going to get their room tidied up.

A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 

John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.

Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.

The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.

First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."

The Bullshit continues.

Actor Everyone Thought Was Dead Apologises

 (Sir David John White OBE: Very, very sorry  and bad at  joke telling. You Plonker!!)

An Actor that everyone was convinced had popped his clogs years ago has publicly apologised for telling a joke.

The 69 year old thesp, Sir David John White OBE, aka David Jason, aka Danger Mouse was best known previously for the so called funniest moment in British comedy. The Infamous Del Boy falls over at the bar scene. A scene so hilarious that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital with a suspected ruptured farting string after seeing it.

Now the joke seems to be on the ageing star after he told a bad joke to a bloke called Christian O'Connell who apparently has a Radio Show. Quoth Sir David. "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant....? Mahatma Coat." The joke was immediately pulled from the broadcast but then placed on the podcast, presumably as it would become less bad if they done that. Millions of people from all over the world, none of whom were Pakistani as they were busy avoiding death by terrorism, then rang in to complain. 

Speaking from his Castle in Nuremberg Del Boy gave the following apology: "I am deeply, deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Of course now I realise that the the guy in the joke was supposed to be Indian not Pakastani, I offer my sincere apologies to Pakistanis, Indians and fans of Christmas cracker type jokes alike. It completely ruined the punchline and I regret that. Whaaat a Plonker!" At that he solemnly turned and fell over at the bar.

Former comedian and fat racist,  Bernard Manning was the first to condemn the Joke from beyond the grave. Speaking  through camp scouse fuck wit medium Derek Acorah, he told The Satire ." While I was alive and doing comedy at the Embassy Club I told fookin' loads of gags about Pakistanis. Now I'm up in heaven I realise I was wrong. Seventeen of the cunts live next door to me up here and they are fantastic. David Jason? What a fookin ham. Any cunt knows it's supposed to be an Indian bloke in that gag. Making him Pakistani is not funny, and out of date, hahahahaha...." he tailed off.

King of nostalgic comedy, and star of Countdown's Dictionary Corner, Richard Digance said. " I think that's a horrible joke. Here's one. What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant? A very nice man and a damn good bloke who works bloody hard."

Up and down the streets of Britain people spoke out in condemnation. "Am absolutely shocked so am ur!" Gasped regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen McGlinchie of Parkhead. "I thought he was pan bread years ago."

Recently unemployed Frankie Douglas from Partick fumed at the outrage. " When I saw that Del Boy sketch the first time I pissed myself so much my bladder exploded out my cock like driver's airbag. The Wife was laughing so long and loud I had to punch her into a coma to get her to stop. Now that I know he is a vile racist, I will no longer be sitting for hours in bars in Spanish tourist traps, watching endless repeats of the show."

Ophelia Cuntington-Smythe(36) speaking from her cottage in the Cotswolds nowhere near any black or Asian people commented. "I think immigrants get a hard enough time without this. I have a Philippino maid, an Albanian gardener and a lovely Polish lad who comes to clean my pipes. All three of them work for peanuts. It's Divine. I think more immigrants should come here, as I have loads of dog shit from my poodles I need cleaned up. Come one, come all I say. Especially as they can't afford to live round here."

Christian O'Connell was available for comment all day, but we couldn't be arsed talking to him.

Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway

(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)

(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.

Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted. 

Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.

Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:

• Common Scoldery:                                                             Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
• Fishwivery:                                                                     One Duck            1 min
• Meddlesome Ratbaggery:                                               Three                    1 min
• Burning my dinner:                                                         Four                     2 min
• Gasbaggery:                                                                   Two                      1 min
• Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:

Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.

We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."

The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.
         

"Ship Not Sinking!"Says Sinking Ship's Captain.

(Left: "No more sink or swim". Captain Brown.)  (Above Right: SS.Britainic apparently NOT sinking)

From our Maritime correspondent: Vice Rear Admirer. Carlton Mingles-Mingles SOS.

Despite hundreds of large rodents pouring overboard, amid screams of terror and mass panic, a brave ship's Captain has steadfastly assured all on the board(surely 'on board'. Ed.) that there was no need for alarm.

Captain Gordon Brown of the SS. Britainic made the appeal to both passengers and crew yesterday after the ship run aground off the coast of North West Europe. Despite dire warnings from other shipping in the region The SS. Britainic collided with a notoriously treacherous maritime hazard The Northern Rock. The Bilge immediately started overflowing and  began to flood the lower classes(surely compartments.Ed) and the ship listed dangerously to the left causing many to panic and head for the Life Savings Bonds(Boats!! You're fired! Ed.). Distress flares were fired and an SOS sent out but the USS. America was in similar difficulties and unable to respond.

Cometh the hour though, cometh the man and Captain Brown stepped up heroically to the mark. " No-one could have foreseen this massive ruddy great obstacle sticking out of the water. Unless of course they were able to utilise some sort of rudimentary bifocal seeing device. However now that this terrible tragedy has befallen you all. Let's not get carried away. Despite the fact that the ship is disappearing below the surface at a rapid rate of knots, and people and pieces of furniture are sliding past you. Take heart. Even now, very now, The Purser Mr. Darling is frantically re-arranging the deck chairs and our entertainments officer Mr Balls is currently organising a game of quoits for the pensioners. This ship is most certainly not blubble blubble glurg..." He gasped as the ship's band bravely played ' Things can only get better' the ship's anthem.

Heavy criticism came from Captain Vince Cable of the SS.Libdem however. Only a mile away from the disaster at the time. "For mile after nautical mile I pleaded with Captain Brown over the airwaves to change course and not crash his vessel into a bloody big stone. He simply called me a nervous Nelly and cackled insanely into the radio."

HM Coast Guard were unavailable for comment as they were all signing on the dole.

Men Embarassed Over Burlesque Confusion

( Right: Slapper.Totally Different.

(Bellow:Burlesque Artiste)

Thousands of men all over the World, but mainly one in Edinburgh, were ashamed today to realise they have been getting sexually aroused by perfectly respectable performance artistes.

"I'm thoroughly digusted wi maself." Cried 42 year old Tom Laird, ruggedly handsome yet witty,sensitive and intelligent reporter and Editor in Chief of The Satire. "There I was regularly spanking one out to the likes of Dita Von Teese, Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman in that shite film with Ewan McGregor about Paris and that. Now I realise that what they were doing has nothing whatsoever to do with stripping and is something totally different, I don't know where to look. I feel such a fool. I can only offer my sincere apologies to these lovely ladies for any offence caused and will assure them that from now on I will only tug myself off to them when they are not doing Burlesque."

These sentiments were shared by by men from New York to Hong Kong. Mulenga Bwalya(28) from Lusaka Zambia used to relieve himself discretely under the table at an internet cafe in the city's Cairo Road on a daily basis to the likes of Dita Von Teese,Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and "Madam Nicole Kidman in that most bad film with the Scottish man who rides motorbikes in Africa. But now God has shown me the error of my ways I am very sorry to those very wonderful women. I will only play with my chikala when they are not Burlesqeuing."

Deng Shiu Pong(31) from Shanghai told The Satire, " I am most confused. I thought these women were sexy and alluring. Now I have found out that they are professional artistes I am very annoyed with myself. I like very much Dita Von Teese, and the other ones the other two guys like as well as Nicole Kidman in that awful film with Charlie Boorman in it. I am very sorry and humbled that I spent much time masturbating like sick monkey. From now on I will be very careful to only jerk off to strippers."

Burlesque is an art form invented in the olden days when women weren't allowed to do striptease until they'd finished all the housework. It has had a recent resurgence due to the fact it allows middle class girls to prance about scantily clad. Getting their jollies whilst simultaneously looking down their noses at working class girls who get their kit off and rub their tits in men's faces for a living.

 "Burlesque is an art form yeah. It's about female empowerment and expressing yourself. Men should not be getting turned on by it at all. It makes me very angry. Perverts!" Said Miss Imogen Waiterose aka 'Pousez Lix'(26), looking through her legs while bending over in fishnet stockings.

Mr Laird's trial continues at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.

Fat Davey Is New Face of Versace

(Fat David: 1979.The Halcyon days . Sporting his summer collection outside his council house in Fife)

A Cowdenbeath Man has landed a top modeling job with a famous fashion designer.

Fat Davey aka David Donaldson(56) from Woodend, broke the astonishing news to his incredulous mates down at The Glen Tavern last Friday night after the bingo. Davey's Mother Cathy(84) was the first to offer him her congratulations. "He was always a right good lookin' boy. Not as good lookin' as his father but he's always had a way with the ladies." She said proudly." I've never met any of his girlfriends, but whenever he gets in from work I make him his tea, and he tells me about all the women that are after him. Britney Spears is one of them. I think she bides in Lochgelly or somewhere exotic like that. So it came as no shock to me that yon Tally fella gave him a job. Apparently he was asked to be Bruce Willis in one of they Die hard movies. But he turned it down to nurse me when I had bunions. He's a good boy."

Others were a tad more skeptical. "He's a spinning cunt!" Spat Wullie Menzies(46). What's the fat fuck modeling? Bras? He talks utter shite, take it from me come this time next week he will still be driving the 33 and telling us he gave up modelling coz they wanted him to do nude work. Wanker."

" The only thing Davey is a model of is a fat waster." Echoed bar maid Gail Robertson(28). "He's always tryin' to chat me up and get into my knickers by tellin' me his tall tales. The best one is when apparently Him and George Clooney got into a fight over a bird in a Dunfermline night club. It ends up with Davey banging Clooney's head off the floor shouting ' Have ye had enough yet Geordie? Have ye? Eh? Eh?Eh? ' In rhythm with the thumps. He then picks up Clooney and throws him at the bouncers. After that he takes George's girlfriend home and shags her. I don't believe a word of it. Especially the bit about the shag."

Fat Davey was unavailable for comment as he was on a photo shoot in Dubai with the Pussycat Dolls.

Obama Change Train Thunders On.

                    (President Obama : Not being like former  president  Bush)

From our Washington Corespondent: Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's train of change continued to rumble down those tracks at breakneck runaway speed yesterday when in a shock move he replaced the curtains in the Oval Office.

The unprecedented move has polarised political pundits who praised and condemned the action in equal measure. A top White House aide, Dwight D. Donaldson, sang the presidents praises to this reporter down the telephone this morning. " I think this sends a clear message that the old regime has gone for good and that a new age is dawning for America. The curtains are merely the tip of the iceberg. I can disclose that their are radical new plans afoot to completely replace the soap dispensers in the toilets as well. I think people will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel for our great nation. One with a new energy saving bulb at that."

Even allowing for the terrible connection it was a strange song with a complete lack of rhyme, rhythm or melody and his guitar was in need of retuning. 

Outside the White House rails a big group of naive candy assed liberals hooted, whooped and a hollered and done that stupid dance where you stir a big invisible bowl of porridge with both hands. "We love you Barack!" Shrieked 16 year old, over enthusiastic, unattractive and overweight  Sophomore Kelly Bagel, through the railings.

From his home in Hollywood actor Richard Dreyfus sent a televised message to Obama supporters, encouraging them to continue a candlelit vigil for the complete interior redecoration of the Presidents home. "A total lack of vision in the curtain department characterised the last Presidency and contributed to the deaths of thousands in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those days are over and our troops can die proudly in the knowledge that they have a Commander in Chief who cares deeply about drapery." Intoned Mr. Dreyfus. The actor best known for annoying Robert Shaw.

Scathing attacks were launched across the political right today though. The most blistering coming from Talk Radio host  Rush Boorman who bellowed, "This proves that Obama is the worst kind of tax and spend liberal, robbing the hard working middle classes of America in order to pay for his Commie curtains. I bet they are red. Mark my words it's the thin edge of the pinko wedge. Today the curtains, tomorrow the soap dispensers, then before you know it heavily armed BATF thugs will storm through your door and redecorate your house with all fagoty pastels and shades. Over my red white and blue curtain draped body!" 

President Obama was unavailable for comment as he was printing huge sums of cash to spend on bombing Afghanistan.

"Jesus Was Scottish". Claims Half Arsed Theologian

(Left: Dr. Beckford in the Gorbals)

                                 (Right: Our 'Artist's' Impression of Jesus at the Last Supper)

Jesus came from The Gorbals. That's the official verdict of a contraversial Anglo/Carribean theologian in his new book and TV special "The Gorbals According To Christ".

Dr. Robert Beckford who spent hours researching the theory that he now claims to be conclusive told The Satire " There can be absolutely no doubt now that the Gospels were probably wrong and that our Lord and saviour was in fact maybe a soapdodger. All the circumstantial evidence tends to suggest that he could have been a Wegie and that he was most definitely possibly born in The Gorbals. This will rock traditional Christianity to it's foundations.

Dr. Beckford gained his PhD in Creative Theology at the University of Birmingham. He is no stranger to contention, previously bringing the edifice of Orthodox Christianity crashing to the ground six times with his previous theories that included:

• Jesus: The Unmistakable Iraqi Origins
• Christ: I'm a Deity get me out of here(The Undeniable Early Jamaican Years)
• Jesus the Muslim
• Goodness Gracious Me- ssiah: How our Lord ended up in India.
• Christ of the Antarctic
• The Jesus Myth: How the Aboriginals Invented Catholicism
  

"This only goes to show that Dr. Beckford can't seem to decide what he believes or why." Claimed the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone from Glastonbury where he was being initiated into the Golden Dawn society. "However what's important here is not to get caught up in a lot of doctrinal doggy doo about Jesus's nationality and to concentrate on the central Christian message of keeping me in a job."

The Dreadlocked academic hit back at his detractors with what he claimed was irrefutable evidence for his thesis. "I met a guy in a pub in the Calton and he swore it was true. If that wasn't enough, we have the documented Gospels of Partick Prophet William Of Connolly, written around 1976 CE. In which he describes in detail and with great humour the true story of Jesus. To this day in Glasgow, names like Mary, Joseph, Paul, John, Peter and Shug are very common. There is even a distinctly Middle Eastern looking temple in the middle of the Gorbals to this day.Explain that one. How any one can claim that a bunch of stories sometimes written up to 20 years after the events can be relied upon, I just don't know.

Neither Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens would comment as they weren't giving a fuck.

Bellshill Man Sues Sally James

( Left:Mr. McGrory after laser eye treatment)

         (Right: Almost Legendary tits)

A Lanarkshire man is set to bring a  £1,000,000 lawsuit against former children's TV presenter Sally James on the grounds that she completely ruined his eyesight.

Kevin McGrory of Community Rd Bellshill is outraged that he has failed to realise his childhood dream of becoming an airline pilot, and puts the blame squarely at the door of the busty Tiswas star.

"Up until I was 9 my eyesight was better than a hawk with binoculars, then Sally came on Saturday morning telly with her Almost Legendary Pop Interviews and things started to slip. You have to remember these were the days before cable, or Internet or even Channel 4 with it's arty french porn films. Catching a glimpse of Sally's cleavage at the weekend was every boys highlight. To make things worse my Maw and Da used to go to ASDA and leave me in the hoose alone. I made the most of it I can tell you. It was ecstasy. The sight of those babies jiggling as she laughed was as good as watching hard core dutch filth. I ruined two settee's, and three carpets. When the guys came from General George to fit a new one they had to tear the old one up with a pneumatic drill. My Mother was disgusted."

But young Kev was to pay dearly for his libidinous pleasure. "I paid dearly for my liby..libid...lobby...horny fun" he said, wiping away a tear of regret. "By the time I was 14 my eyesight was away to fuck. I couldn't even knock one out to page three of The Sun as I couldn't even find the paper let alone the pictures. I made Mr. Magoo look like Steve Austin. And that's not all. Both my young brothers are over six feet tall. I stayed at 4'10" the rest of my days. I also had hands like a gorilla's and had to shave them every other day. It was all very traumatic. Much as I have fond memories of Sally, her and her big lovely tits have a lot to answer for."

Despite thousands of pounds spent on corrective eye treatment Mr. McGrory is still "as blin as a bat" and experts say he will never be able to as much as fly a kite never mind a passenger jet. 

"It all sounds very tragic but this has really got fuck all to do with me." Said Sir Richard Branson. Beardy owner of some aeroplanes, dismissively from his mobile phone. In a balloon somewhere over the Atlantic when The Satire called him yesterday. " If the authorities say he can't fly," he explained, "He can't fly. How the hell did you get this number?"

Sally James(58) was not prepared to talk to us no matter how great we said her tits were. However her lawyer, Digby Carter-Cunt of Shyster Huxter and Cunt emphatically denied the claim. 

"My Almost Legendary client denies this claim emphatically. It's absurd and ridiculous. I have inside information from Mr. McGrory's brother that my client was not the only object of his desire. Apparently he was regularly pulling the head of it to Sheena Easton, Janet Ellis, The cadbury's bunny and even Fran & Anna. Why should Ms. James take all the spunk..I mean blame. Besides, I and many another young lad were chugging away at the sight of Sally's hooters and it never done us any harm." He said, talking to a lamp post.

Lenny Henry was available for comment 143 times this week but we wouldn't answer the phone.

Simple Salmond Says!

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable,  smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.

Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:

Dear Alex,

Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?

Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?

Q: Dear Mr Salmond,

My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow

Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal. 

Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,

Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you?  J Paxman. Oxon

Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!

Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit.  Fife

Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.

Q: Dear Mr. S,

My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions?  Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh

Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.

Q: Alex Salmond,

Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark.  Glasgow

Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.

How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something. 

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner. 

Andy McNab is Fat Wife From Aberdeen Sensation!

(Below Left: Mrs Geddes 

at home in Torry)

(Right: Heavily Disguised as McNab)

                                                                                                                                                   So called SAS Gulf War Hero, "Author" and any time the forces get mentioned on telly, rent-a-quote Andy McNab. Has been sensationally outed as a portly fishwife from Torry by your favourite online news source.

The Satire tracked down Maureen Geddes(59) to her semi-detached house on the banks of the River Dee where she was badgered relentlessly into giving us an exclusive interview. "I'm just glad a' the pretence is oer wi an I can just be open aboot it ye ken." She sighed with relief in between puffs on her pipe, the aroma of Old Holburn ever present in the air. "It's the lies I've had to tell my own family that have taken the greatest toll on me."

"Fit's she like?"gasped her daughter Jackie(23) incredulously on being confronted with the news. "All they times she never turned up to meet me at the bingo, to think she could have been out raiding embassies, garroting ragheads, training unsavoury foreign regimes how to kill their internal enemies more efficiently, or even marrying a string of peroxide blond bimbos called Kimberly for Queen and country. It doesn't bear thinking aboot." She said, not quite grasping the concept of ghost writing.

Next door neighbour and well known meddlesome ratbag  Agnes MacHag(age undisclosed), ranted " I kent she was up to nae guid in there. Tappin awa on yon word processor day and night. Parcelforce were always leaving deliveries in ma porch for her. They turned oot to be full o' books. Lofty Wiseman, Ray Mears and Tom Weir, ye ken a' yon survival stuff. Then there was specialist stuff on makin bombs an slotting folk etc. But the biggest giveaway was when she started hangin aboot wi that Grant frae Eastenders. Ross Kamp I think his name is. Well he's in the SAS ye ken."

Maureen's husband Bob(60) was always in on the secret though. " I would always have a good laugh to myself whenever they were on the news giving it Andy McNab says this, that and the next thing. If only folk knew the truth. I could hardly keep a straight face when she got her DCM from the Queen. Prince Phillip kept looking at her askance. He almost tumbled at one point when she kept showing him photo's of her grandbairns. That was a close one.

" To think it all started 30 years ago with a couple of short stories to the People's Friend." Explained Mrs. Geddes, peeling tatties." It just snowballed from there. I never thought that Bravo Two Zero would be a success. Funny as it was, it was riddled with inconsistencies and that bastard Michael Asher nearly ruined everything. The hardest thing was TV interviews. Luckily I was always in shadow or wearing one of those balaclava things. Thankfully they would always use the voice of an actor as well. As I can't do an English accent worth shit. Getting time off from the fish factory was always a problem. I was running out of dead relatives. Thank fuck you've exposed me."

The shock news comes after the recent revelation that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is a poofy hairdresser from Leith.

Neither the publishing company nor the MoD were available for comment as they were hugely embarrassed.

Bike Man Ordered In 1909 Finally In Stock

(Left:Kaspar Von Furniss test rides

the bicycle 110 years ago)

(Above: Von Furniss's Grandson Olaf Reacts to the news the bicycle is in stock)

A bicycle ordered a century ago by a German immigrant in Edinburgh eventually arrived yesterday. Much to the consternation of the mans descendants.

Mr Olaf Furniss(51) received the news by telephone in his poorly furnished Stockbridge flat yesterday. " I couldn't really take it in at first and wondered what the fuck they were going on about." Furniss told The Satire yesterday evening over a cup of tea without sugar, milk ,or indeed tea, in it. He continued," This annoyingly cheery voice on the other side of the phone announced blithely that the bike was in stock. Fuck me, I thought, that was quick I only ordered it 3 months ago. Surely some mistake. Imagine my consternation when I found out that it was a bike ordered by my grandad before the great war."

Innes MacPedal(17) Manager of  The Edinburgh Bike Collective (Formerly Ye Olde Edinburgh Bike Collective: Purveyors of the finest machines to the Discerning Gent) In Bruntsfield, made the following statement. " It only shows the quality of our service that even after all this time we still managed to deliver. Mr. Furniss is now potentially in possession of an antique of great value. Unfortunately this means that the balance he owes us which was previously £1. 5 shillings and thrupence is now £62,522.34p. The matter has been passed to our legal department and I have nothing further to say.Except you know what these boxheads are like. They want everything yesterday, and no sense of humour."

"This is pish." Complained Furniss from his badly insulated and even more poorly furnished flat, as the sherriff's officers removed his bread maker,fondue set, stereo gram, and Demis Roussos record collection. " I can't even get the bike I ordered now. I will have to walk to LiDL to buy my Pumpernickel."

He then branded The Edinburgh Bike Collective  "Cunts" and claimed it would never have happened had Hitler won the war.

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Byff Byford Embroiled In Hip-Hop Outrage Confusion

(Left: Byford  fakes a heart attack

to avoid Fans's fury)

               (Above: Furious Saxon Fans)

Aged rockers Saxon were in hiding yesterday, after a furore erupted over the rumour they were "selling out", and going to do Hip-Hop. The Satire can exclusively reveal.

Heavily Mentalist Byff Byford(73), the lead singer of the band that were once at the forefront of the so called New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, was forced to cancel a gig and go into hiding when fans stormed the stage at The Tumbledown Dick pub in Farnborough Hants. The band were half way through a nationwide tour that takes in Aldershot, Frimley Green, Bagshot, Farnham and culminating In an open air festival in Barnsley where they were to support Dumpy's Rusty Nuts. All that seems in jepardy now. 

Speaking through the letterbox of The Restwood Lodge  B&B , 76 Woodham Rd Woking ,Mr Byford told The Satire. " Fook off yer Jock Bastards, before yer give the game away." Later our reporter managed to contact Saxon's Tour Manager Doreen Crowley(53, no relation.) who told us. "There seems to have been the most terrible misunderstanding, in a recent press release we revealed that the band were indeed "selling out" all the venues on their current European tour and that Byff would be going in for a long awaited "hip opp" at Royal Hallamshire Hospital Sheffield when the tour was over. We just hope the fans will realise their mistake and calm the fuck down." 

There was some good news for the band this morning when it was reported by our source in the USA that a mediation team lead by Dave Ling and Geoff Barton managed to rescind a Fatwa issued by Eric Adams of Man O' War that called for the Barnsley Boys to be "beaten to death with rolled up copies of Classic Rock and thrown into the river Styx(sic)" . Also in a serendipitous tragedy Steve"Ponce"Dawson was set upon by a gang of Gumby jacketed thugs and beaten unconscious with his own base.

Byff Byford will be joined in hospital by Mr Dawson and David Coverdale whos colon is giving him awful gip.