Activists Demand Lobey Dosser Statue be Removed

The Offending Article

Left wing activists in the city of Glasgow have demanded the removal and melting down of a fictional comic strip character's statue.

The Sheriff of Calton Creek, Lobey Dosser, pictured above on his bipedal steed El Fideldo. His nemesis Rank Bajin riding pillion, has incurred the wrath of some middle class crusties with nothing better to worry about. The character was created by Partick poet and cartoonist Bud Neill for the Evening Times in 1949 and the much loved statue created by Tony Morrow and Nick Gillon has stood in the city's Woodlands area since 1992. But all that may change if one group of social justice heroes gets it's way.

Ranting and raving and slavering like a rabid dug, 21 year old Sinead O'Harridan from a group calling itself Bland Lives Matter yelled at The Satire..

" The people of Glasgow demand the immediate removal and destruction of this disgusting racist symbol of patriarchal tyranny before we do it ourselves. This sort of so called humorous homunculus is a blot on the landscape and a stain on the reputation of the city."

Asked what exactly her travesty was zhe thundered on..

 Where do I begin? Well first off he's just another old white man with a beard. Are there no women with beards? What about Mary Beard? Ok, she might not have a beard, but she could grow one.

Secondly his nemesis is black, reinforcing the stereotypical trope that black folk are all criminals.

Thirdly he was always harassing Big Chief Toffee Teeth and his Pawnee tribe, the racist, colonialist imperialist hairy bastard.

Fourth, the character of Fairy Nuff was clearly a crack at the expense of the LGBTQ + community.

Fifth the name Lobey Dosser is highly offensive to homeless people.

Finally just look, there's two grown men on that poor horse with only two legs which is cruelty to animals and exploiting the disabled. What more do you want you fascist scum?

At that zhe kicked our reporter in the bollocks then together with Mhairi Black MP vandalised the statue.

On regaining consciousness our man on the ground asked local tradesman, and regular Satire rent- a- quote, Frankie Douglas (40) what he thought of the demands.

"Yer kiddin? Naw, seriously? Ye ur kiddin ...aren't ye? Fur fuck's sakes that mad bint isnae even fae Glesga, she moved here fae Buckinghamshire last week. What's next, take doon Desperate Dan's statue in Dundee coz he ate Coo Pies and meat is murder? Ah gie up."

First Minister and authoritarian clown Nicola Sturgeon waded into the argument.

"I think this is just ridiculous. I demand to know who put this atrocity up in the first place. I can assure my left wing voters that this disgraceful sculpture will be destroyed and it's creators prosecuted as soon as we finish ripping doon Desperate Dan in Dundee."

Nicola Sturgeon is insane.

"Brexit a Total Disaster" Says Posh Bint

Cornelia with her horse 'Soubry' that she "imported very cheaply from the continent"

Interview by our Chinless Wonder Correspondent: Sir Charlton Mingle-Mingleton III (MC, DSO, and BAR)

Brexit. What is it? Why is it important? Who uses it? Should we be afraid of it?

A resounding "yes!" to all three questions according to serial wife and professional clotheshorse, Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe. She pontificates condescendingly to our very own Charlton Mingle- Mingleton of that Ilk.

Satire: What's your view of what's happened so far?

Cornelia: Well it's awful, isn't it, simply awful with that frightful woman Theresa whatever her name is, just arsing everything up completely. I mean who made her in charge, with her ghastly wardrobe and gauche shoes. Well really.

Satire: Yes. Many people feel betrayed by the fact that this being one of the most decisive votes in UK history, the government is failing to carry out the clear will of the majority and...

Cornelia: Look here. All this rot about democracy is all very well but democracy should be about getting things right, and here the people quite obviously got it wrong. Who put them in charge? With their ghastly wardrobes and their gauche white vans? The vehicles I mean, not those awful shoes. And their nasty parochial bigoted views. Hugo and I live here in the Cotswolds half the year and it's very difficult to get help as it is. I mean what are we to do if we get out of Europe? 

We have a wonderful maid named .......um...well her name is perfectly unpronounceable, it's some sort of foreign name. She comes from Russia or Poland or something or other... Hugooo?! (Shouts to her husband in the next room) Where's that girl from? You know, the one who cleans up and cooks? Oh well it matters not, the point is she's very very cheap and sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs. Can I get someone local to do that? Can I buggery, so there you have it.

Satire: What's your view of what should be the next step? How should Theresa May's government proceed? Should we bite the bullet and go for no deal, or do you think another referendum is the best way forward?

Cornelia: Another vote would certainly stave things off for a while. Should that go wrong we can always do it again. Until these so called people get it right. For the love of god, it's perfectly simple. I have a Spanish gardener, I think his name is Jose, at least that's what I call him because he's always watering the plants. But the point is he's very very cheap and who else will I get to clean up my dog's shit from the patio or muck out the stables for next to nothing? I mean reaallly.

Satire: What do you say to the accusation that people like yourself are only really concerned about your own narrow self interest and don't really care about the wider implications of remaining in the EU especially for ordinary working people?

Cornelia: Working people?Well I beg your pardon but how do you think I pay for all this?( waves her hand around at the various paintings and objects d'art) My last two husbands both went bankrupt and left me with next to nothing. I'm down to only two horses in the stables, Hugo works bloody hard as an Investment Banker which, God love him, hardly pays the bills. So I have to keep up my modelling career, which of course doesn't pay what it used to thanks to competition from these Eastern European girls. I know what a hard days work is, thank you very much. I've done a couple and it's no joke.

Satire: So how do you think a no deal Brexit will affect you?

Cornelia: Well my daughter Lucy is at school in Switzerland, so christ knows what we will have to do there. Hugo and I have a second home down in the Dordogne.....or is it Alsace? (Hugo shouts through "It's both") How are we supposed to get there? Not to mention all our vineyard workers come from Romania or some godforsaken place. What do we do about that, employ French people? Fuck that! I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm jolly angry about this. This is the harsh reality that people like me are faced with when you let democracy loose on the unwashed.


Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe(33) is a fund raiser for People's Vote

New Town Man Shits Himself at the Thought of ACTUALLY Living in the Country

Sstruan as he's chosen to be immortalised with one of his dogs Monty 

A man who gads about Stockbridge in tweed plus fours, dressed like a fucking extra from To The Manor Born, shat himself last week at the very notion of not living in the city.

Sstruan Findlater-Twatpiece (33), a former pupil of George Watson's college and resident of Heriot Row, found himself in the ghastly situation of possibly having to relocate to rural Perthshire as part of a workplace promotion. He and his partner Ffyon are among Barbour TM and Hunter's TM  best UK customers, and are lifetime subscribers to Horse & Hound and Cunty (surely Country. Ed) Life magazines.

Speaking from the tailgate of his pristine Land Rover Defender, decal-led with fake mud splatters, that he uses to mow down cyclists and demolish the wing mirrors of parked cars. He explained..

"I made my weekly visit to the office last Monday at Huckster,Shyster and Cunt were I'm engaged as an HR Under Manager to be told the "good news" by my Boss." 

"Congratulations old chap! You'll be pleased to know we've decided to give you a promotion, running a new office we have at Moor of Rannoch. No need for thanks, you richly deserve it"

"The Bastard! I couldn't work out what I'd done wrong. Ffyon and I took a helicopter trip up there and it really is the arsefuck of nowhere. We have two Labradors a Spaniel, a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Jack Russell. What in the name of god would they do up here? I mean the nearest Waitrose is in Glasgow for fucksakes and I would't be able to have my magazines delivered. Also about 5 am you hear this godawful bellowing every morning. I asked what it was down the nearest so called pub, they don't even do cocktails, and they told me the noise is what they call 'cows'. Fuck that! Then to cap it all off when Ffyon inquired in the local Church about Pilates and Zumba classes they told her the only thing they do is something called prayer and worship. Peasants! Anyway thankfully it all fell through. By the way that's Sstruan with two s's and ditto for Ffyon."

"Struan tried to put a brave face on it when I gave him the bad news about the deal falling through." His boss told The Satire . " He punched the air and shouted 'YeeeeEEEssss you fucker!!!', but I know deep down he'll have been bitterly disappointed."