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| Mr. Fairweather - Blythe of Woking was "perfectly happy" to oblige |
British Police have been granted new powers by parliament to help combat the spread of Covid-19.
In a special sitting last night MPs voted overwhelmingly to pass the Clearlysomethingmustbedone Act 2020, paragraph 2 subsection 3 clause c.
Effectively as of midnight last night it will be within police remit to oblige citizens to stand on one leg, put one finger in their ear and go "Blibble, blibble blibble"on their lips with the other hand.
In the wording of the act "constabulary must ensure the action is executed as prescribed, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. The index finger of the right hand in the right aural orrifice and the lips blibbled thrice with the first three fingers of the left hand. No more. No less. Failure to comply immediately and precisely will result in arrest, and conviction without trial to imprisonment for a minimum of 6 months. Heil Healthcare!"
Many opposition MPs are incensed by the legislation.
MP for Birmingham & Stalingrad Jess Phillips thundered in a faux working class accent....
"This is far too little too late from this Tory Fascist government. Police should have been granted these powers years ago, and should go even further. Men in particular should be forced to carry out these actions wherever they are found. but it shouldn't be their fingers they should have to stuff in their misogynistic ears. It would stop them raping everything in sight, I can tell you."
Scottish First Monster Nicola Sturgeon complained..
" This draconian legislation has been rushed through without any consultation whatsoever. It's no fair. I thought of this idea first. We were just about to implement it too when the UK parliament rushed it through. Now I have to think of some way to jock it up. Perhaps force people to wear a See You Jimmy hat and hum Floer O Scotland while they do it. "
Peter Hitchens of The Mail on Sunday blasted the government in his column stating..
" These ludicrous and intrusive measures will have little effect on the spread of the virus. The government should concentrate on solving the whole root of the problem. The abolition of grammar schools. "
However his colleague at the Mail Piers Moron counter blasted..
"Anyone who has the temerity to question sensible and precautionary measures such as these is quite simply a heartless bastard who wants people to die a horrible, coughing spluttering and highly politicised death. Shame on them"
When our correspondent put it to him that his mate Donald Trump was himself an initial sceptic of the voracity of the virus. Moron called him a cunt and threw him out of his Taxi.
One member of the public who's been stopped and tested 6 times already by the police was highly supportive.
"We all have to do our bit you know. Just like the war. I'm perfectly happy to oblige as I have nothing to hide. If you aren't doing anything wrong why would you worry?"
Said 43 yo insurance broker from Surrey Rupert Fairweather- Blythe. He added..
" We should bring back National Service while we are at it. "
Asked whether he'd been in the services himself he replied..
"Yes. 14 months St. John's Ambulance." And strutted off self righteously down the Strand.
A PR spokesperson for the police told The Satire..
"Look, these powers won't be used excessively, they will be only used in extremis. Such as when a women is seen loitering aimlessly on a railway platform. When someone looks a bit odd. If they happen to be wearing football colours of a team that an officer doesn't like. When you're jogging less than 2m behind a fit looking bird that the officer wants to impress. Or anytime we fancy making you look a total arse."
" Cough, wheeeeeze, splutter, cough, bleeeurgh, wiff waff. "
Said the Prime Minister(55)
