"Ship Not Sinking!"Says Sinking Ship's Captain.

(Left: "No more sink or swim". Captain Brown.)  (Above Right: SS.Britainic apparently NOT sinking)

From our Maritime correspondent: Vice Rear Admirer. Carlton Mingles-Mingles SOS.

Despite hundreds of large rodents pouring overboard, amid screams of terror and mass panic, a brave ship's Captain has steadfastly assured all on the board(surely 'on board'. Ed.) that there was no need for alarm.

Captain Gordon Brown of the SS. Britainic made the appeal to both passengers and crew yesterday after the ship run aground off the coast of North West Europe. Despite dire warnings from other shipping in the region The SS. Britainic collided with a notoriously treacherous maritime hazard The Northern Rock. The Bilge immediately started overflowing and  began to flood the lower classes(surely compartments.Ed) and the ship listed dangerously to the left causing many to panic and head for the Life Savings Bonds(Boats!! You're fired! Ed.). Distress flares were fired and an SOS sent out but the USS. America was in similar difficulties and unable to respond.

Cometh the hour though, cometh the man and Captain Brown stepped up heroically to the mark. " No-one could have foreseen this massive ruddy great obstacle sticking out of the water. Unless of course they were able to utilise some sort of rudimentary bifocal seeing device. However now that this terrible tragedy has befallen you all. Let's not get carried away. Despite the fact that the ship is disappearing below the surface at a rapid rate of knots, and people and pieces of furniture are sliding past you. Take heart. Even now, very now, The Purser Mr. Darling is frantically re-arranging the deck chairs and our entertainments officer Mr Balls is currently organising a game of quoits for the pensioners. This ship is most certainly not blubble blubble glurg..." He gasped as the ship's band bravely played ' Things can only get better' the ship's anthem.

Heavy criticism came from Captain Vince Cable of the SS.Libdem however. Only a mile away from the disaster at the time. "For mile after nautical mile I pleaded with Captain Brown over the airwaves to change course and not crash his vessel into a bloody big stone. He simply called me a nervous Nelly and cackled insanely into the radio."

HM Coast Guard were unavailable for comment as they were all signing on the dole.

Dictator Urged To Step Down By African Union

From our Africa Corespondent Chaka Mingeleles

After an historic meeting held in Addis Ababa yesterday the Pan African Parliament called on Gordon McGrabby to relinquish power  and ease the suffering of his impoverished people.

Unelected McGrabby(57) has stubbornly held office in Zinabadway since June 2007 where he has been responsible for the worst economic situation in the country's history. Unemployment is soaring,  food prices are rocketing and McGrabby's government are having to raise tax and borrow £500,000,000 per day to bail out the corrupt financial institutions.

Human rights watchdogs have also been concerned about the tyrant's abuse of power in respect of the opposition. Recently anti-terrorist police, under orders from his feared Home secretary, raided the offices of an opposition MP and arrested him on charges of not being in the Labour party.

Speaking from the podium in front of over 200 representatives of African nations Gertrude Mongella, President of the A.U, made this appeal to Mr. McGrabby  yesterday.

"Once you were hailed as the saviour of your people. Ready to lead them into a new Jerusalem of peace, prosperity, over inflated property prices and crazy borrowing. But now that it is clear that you do not know your arse from your elbow. Do the decent thing and give a free and fair election to your people.

She then called for McGrabby to lend them some cash. 

Kirkcaldy Finally Returns Brown's Calls

( Above: Gordon Brown: Making an arse of things at a BNP meeting by mistake.  And: Wee Gordy: Dogging double Maths in his Youth)

After nearly two years, almost 19,000 texts and a staggering 8,000 messages left on answering machines, Kirkcaldy has finally acknowledged the PM.

Kirkcaldy's Provost Gerry MacFlounder seated underneath a giant makeshift picture of the PM, speaking exclusively, and a bit like private Fraser from Dads Army, to The Satire explained.

 "We all love Gordon here in Kirkcaldy. He's frae here ye ken that son? We're a' affy proud o him.

His faither wis a meenister ye ken. Oh aye we're a fond o' oor Gordy as we like to call him again round this wiy."

These comments were echoed through the streets and amusement arcades of the Kingdom of Fife's bustling metropolis today from young and old alike. Mrs Margaret McHairnet(58) said of him, "Mister Broon is an inspiration to my four grandsons who all took up heroin addiction during his tenure. Thanks to him there's no shortage of squats for them to live in. A blessing on his sonsie face.......Dae ye fancy a shag son? £ 10."

Wattie Payton(23), speaking outside one of the towns many new Cash Converter stores proclaimed. "We were all shite-ing a brick there for a while, thinking that Kirkcaldy's favourite son might be a bit of an erse as well as making a giant cunt of the economy an that, but thanks to  what ever it was he done we all think he is great again." Behind him the entire population of Kirkcaldy broke out in a huge chorus of "A Gordon for me."

Things however, were not always thus. Barely 3 months ago it was near impossible to find a single soul in Fife let alone Kirkcaldy to even let on he existed.

"Gordon who? Brown...brown....brown...mmm  no definately no. Try next door." Said his parents from the steps of their humble manse.

Unconfirmed reports from sources inside Kirkcaldy Town Hall claimed that the phone was "ringing off the hook day and night. We all knew it was him, even though he would withold his number and sometimes even pretend to be a double glazing salesman to anyone stupid enough to pick up the receiver. We were under strict instructions to rubber ear the cunt. "

Provost MacFlounder nervously laughed off the allegations. "Not at all, not at all." He quipped while scrubbing anti Brown graffiti off the Town hall steps. "That was all a big misunderstanding. We thought it was another Prime Minister Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy entirely."

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was on a Giant yacht with Duncan Bannatyne and some Russians.