Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

"SNP Will Kill Us All In Our Beds!!" Warns Jim Murphy

    "We're a' doomed! "Jim looks grim doing an Impression of Pvt. Frazer In Dads Army

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy ran amok through the streets of Edinburgh yesterday. Grabbing random people by the lapels screaming and shouting maniacally into their stunned faces.
The gist of his prophecy of doom is that if the SNP get their way they will murder us all and our cherub like children in their wee beds. East Renfrewshire MP Jim, who's hobbies include Football, Golf and entertaining notorious gangsters at Labour party fundraisers. Accosted, among many others, Mrs Ina MacTights(21) as she exited Scotmid.

 "I thought I was being mugged at first, then as he shook me back and forth he bellowed at me 'Don't you know you're all going to die! The SNP are coming! Run to the hills!' Well I nearly took a heart attack. There should be a law against it. Who was that lunatic?"

When our reporter explained that Mr. Murphy was a Scottish Labour MP. Mrs. MacTights said she would definitely be voting for him as that's what her mother always done.

In a prepared statement given to The Satire! yesterday evening Mr. Murphy further claimed that :

1. If Scotland breaks away from the UK it will fall into the sea and drown us all.
2. Children as young as 6 weeks old will be forced to eat porridge.
3. Lions, Tigers, Wolves, Polar Bears and Giant beavers will terrorize our streets.
4. The only programmes allowed on STV will be Parahandy, The White Heather Club, Thingummyjig and endless shows presented by Pat Kane.
5. Sean Connery will come round and slap your wife.
6. Drunks in English parks and underground stations will be repatriated.
7. Aliens will Invade

Jim Murphy wants your vote.

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

  (Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!

In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work". 

Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.

"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .

Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)






(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)

Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.

The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.

"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.

News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.

"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.

Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.

Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra. 

Roslin Institute Set To Begin Salmond Farming At Loch Fyne

(Pictured: A Commercial Salmond Pen. And an earlier attempt gone wrong.)

The World Famous Roslin Institute is to begin commercial Salmond farming in Argyle a top Boffin announced yesterday.

The Institute also amusingly known as "The Royal (Dick)School of Veterinary Studies based at the University of Edinburgh ,announced the ambitious plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

Roslin Institute famous for cloning Dolly the sheep claimed the project would be a roaring international success story. According to the institutes chief egghead Prof. Donald McKillop

"The demand for Salmond on the International market has risen exponentially over the last 2 years and in order to keep up with that demand we have to farm Salmond intensively."

There seems to be no doubt Salmond is a highly popular dish both here and abroad due to its good taste and resilience to adverse conditions. However The Institute came under heavy criticism from government bodies and the press alike when an earlier attempt to popularise Salmond resulted in impotency in the subject, and Salmond completely disappeared from the menu for years. Prof. McKillop conceded. "That was indeed a setback but despite the criticism we got it right this time. Salmond is very definitely here to stay.

Others are not so convinced. A spokesman for the Brown Party said

" We oppose the intensive farming of Salmond, we acknowledge that it is a popular creature and cant help admire its vitality, demonstrated by it's exuberant leaps and huge splashes. But it is also expensive and pretentious and we believe the novelty will soon wear off. You just can't go tinkering around playing God."

Despite the nay saying the popularity of wild Salmond continues to rise and Roslin claims it has the answer. " In A few years a Salmond will be at every table round the world" said the Professor, peering over the top of his glasses in a superior fashion. "You can't hold back scientific progress forever.

Despite the seeming success a similar project with the Sturgeon has been shelved indefinitely.

Credit Crunch Hits Street Vendors

Argyle St. was in uproar yesterday at the dismal news that Big Macaroon bars and the famed "last of the White Socks" would no longer be two for a pound now.

" It's a scandal" spat Mrs Ina McTights(21)struggling to contain her rage, "I'm a pensioner and have very few pleasures in life now that I can't afford batteries. If I cant even afford the odd big bar of Macaroon then whats the point? I would gas maself if I could afford the bill."

A disappointed Archie McFail(43) also vented his spleen. " I have to tuck my trackie bottoms into a pair of old fishing socks these days. They are green. It just looks daft. Thatcher has a lot to answer for."

Many vendors were reluctant to comment yesterday, but one Shugie Weasel agreed to speak to us.

" Look" said Mr. Weasel glancing furtively about. " I don't like it anymore than anyone else. I used to be able to shout 'two for a pound', now its two for £1.13 it just disnae work. It's events ma man. The price of breaking and entering these days is literally through the roof, an ye just cannae bribe truck drivers wi a couple of packets of fags anymare. Talkin aboot fags, are ye interested in 200 Marlboro lights?"

This is the first price rise in 30 years in the renowned Glasgow thoroughfare. A few people however actually welcomed the news.

"Thank Christ" said Frankie Douglas(40), an electrician from Partick. "Maybe they will all piss off. I mean how many pairs of socks can someone go through, an was there ever any real requirement for Big Macaroon bars?"

Number 10 downing street issued the following statement today.

" The Prime Minister and the New Labour government deplore this opportunistic rise in the price of street goods. Especially Big Macaroon bars that the PM was very fond of as he was always losing the wee ones down the back of the couch. This is the very kind of issue that Gordon Brown is committed to tackling, and indeed would if he could find his arse with both hands. We now call upon the press to leave us alone. It's not our fault."

Neither the public nor the vendors will take any comfort in that.