OBITUARY : RIP Colonel Tommy Pritchard

Tommy as he would often appear at The Satire offices. In later years naked from the waist down

The Satire today bids farewell to its Sports Editor Colonel Tommy Pritchard, who passed away peacefully in his sleep behind the wheel of his 1984 Citroen Clio on the M8.

Born Colonel Thomas Randolph Ambidexter Pritchard of a Scots Presbyterian father and American Quaker mother in Thika Kenya in 1941, "Tommy" spent his formative years among the colonial prosperity of the happy valley set. The title for Elspeth Huxley's novel The Flame Trees...came from the time that young Tommy set fire to a local plantation, ruining the owner. Luckily he managed to blame it on the houseboy who later died in police custody. No formal charges were ever pressed.

Tommy enlisted in the KAR in 1959 where due to a mix up arising from his name he was able to become the youngest ever commanding officer of the 3rd Battalion. In a disaster in the last years of the Mau Mau owing to his complete lack of experience he managed to surround and attack a column of his own askaris and sustain the onslaught for 31 days. On discovering his mistake he slipped out of camp during the night and joined the surrounded troops on the other side. In the confusion he was able to mount a counter attack against those under his former command and overwhelm them. This was recorded as one of the greatest breakouts ever and he was mentioned in dispatches leading to him being decorated for gallantry.


Tommy joined The Satire from the Army in 1971 after a very brief and unsuccessful stint at a regional boys boarding school, although no formal charges were ever pressed.
He quickly gained a reputation at The Satire as a somewhat boisterous devil-may-care character would often be found wrestling naked on the floor of the photo-editors suite with Sambo his man-servant from his time out in East Africa helping to build a football pitch in a private boys school, although no formal charges were ever pressed.

Tommy was known by all who knew him as very much a man's man. In his black leather chaps, white stetson, sequined waistcoat and enormous handlebar moustache he was a colourful presence around the Satire offices for over 40 years. And his posts on the ups and downs of under-14 schoolboy rugby, hockey, gymnastics and greco-roman wrestling (a sport he campaigned tirelessly to bring back into the curriculum - although no charges were ever pressed) were always a riveting read.

Tommy's later years were of course dogged with controversy. While involved in a protest against the Springbok tour of New Zealand in 1981, Tommy once again realised he was on the wrong side and attacked the anti apartheid protesters with a placard. In recent memory his playful attempts at "wrestling" the speedo's from an embarrassed Tom Daly at the London Olympics were much frowned upon. His colourful and some would say racist and sexist remarks were very much those of a man of his time and a constant affront to those who worked with him. Though again no formal charges were ever pressed.

He leaves behind an ex-wife in Mombasa, a young Romanian friend Nicu in the local Salvation Army hostel and a motorway strewn with wreckage.

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

Andy McNab is Fat Wife From Aberdeen Sensation!

(Below Left: Mrs Geddes 

at home in Torry)

(Right: Heavily Disguised as McNab)

                                                                                                                                                   So called SAS Gulf War Hero, "Author" and any time the forces get mentioned on telly, rent-a-quote Andy McNab. Has been sensationally outed as a portly fishwife from Torry by your favourite online news source.

The Satire tracked down Maureen Geddes(59) to her semi-detached house on the banks of the River Dee where she was badgered relentlessly into giving us an exclusive interview. "I'm just glad a' the pretence is oer wi an I can just be open aboot it ye ken." She sighed with relief in between puffs on her pipe, the aroma of Old Holburn ever present in the air. "It's the lies I've had to tell my own family that have taken the greatest toll on me."

"Fit's she like?"gasped her daughter Jackie(23) incredulously on being confronted with the news. "All they times she never turned up to meet me at the bingo, to think she could have been out raiding embassies, garroting ragheads, training unsavoury foreign regimes how to kill their internal enemies more efficiently, or even marrying a string of peroxide blond bimbos called Kimberly for Queen and country. It doesn't bear thinking aboot." She said, not quite grasping the concept of ghost writing.

Next door neighbour and well known meddlesome ratbag  Agnes MacHag(age undisclosed), ranted " I kent she was up to nae guid in there. Tappin awa on yon word processor day and night. Parcelforce were always leaving deliveries in ma porch for her. They turned oot to be full o' books. Lofty Wiseman, Ray Mears and Tom Weir, ye ken a' yon survival stuff. Then there was specialist stuff on makin bombs an slotting folk etc. But the biggest giveaway was when she started hangin aboot wi that Grant frae Eastenders. Ross Kamp I think his name is. Well he's in the SAS ye ken."

Maureen's husband Bob(60) was always in on the secret though. " I would always have a good laugh to myself whenever they were on the news giving it Andy McNab says this, that and the next thing. If only folk knew the truth. I could hardly keep a straight face when she got her DCM from the Queen. Prince Phillip kept looking at her askance. He almost tumbled at one point when she kept showing him photo's of her grandbairns. That was a close one.

" To think it all started 30 years ago with a couple of short stories to the People's Friend." Explained Mrs. Geddes, peeling tatties." It just snowballed from there. I never thought that Bravo Two Zero would be a success. Funny as it was, it was riddled with inconsistencies and that bastard Michael Asher nearly ruined everything. The hardest thing was TV interviews. Luckily I was always in shadow or wearing one of those balaclava things. Thankfully they would always use the voice of an actor as well. As I can't do an English accent worth shit. Getting time off from the fish factory was always a problem. I was running out of dead relatives. Thank fuck you've exposed me."

The shock news comes after the recent revelation that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is a poofy hairdresser from Leith.

Neither the publishing company nor the MoD were available for comment as they were hugely embarrassed.

Rommel Was A German, Shocker!!!!!

(General Feld Marschall Erwin Rommel

The smile belies the sinister fact......

He was a German.)

(Above Right: A German......Disgusting!)

The World and particularly dull Daily Mail readers were aghast today at the revelations the hitherto respected Erwin Rommel turns out to be German.

A new exhibition put on by some self loathing revisionist historians in Stuttgart called " The Non German Myth". Aims to shatter the belief that he was in no way a Krauser that went about North Africa shooting people at the behest of his mental, baby eating , mono testicled fuhrer. Or that he was just a decent bloke out for a drive in his Kubelwagen, when he stumbled across a couple of hundred thousand British Soldiers trampling all over wogs and stealing their dates.

Madly badly informed regular rent-a-quote for tabloids, Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead fumed "I think it's a disgrace. My Grandad was a bus conductor in Clydebank during the war and saw a UXB in Yoker. I hate to think what could have happened to him because of the Germans. I for one won't be watching anymore films with Mr. Rimmel in them. Or buying anymore of his beauty products. I hope he commits suicide."

Her thoughts were echoed by Edna McScone (71). " I think it's disgraceful as well. My second cousin's wife's granny met a Jew once. He was an awfy nice man so they say. He got knocked down an killed by a BMW in Giffnock. The Germans should be ashamed. Anyway it's these Pakies and Albanians you have to watch. They are everywhere."

Old soldier and former Desert Rat, Hughie  MacWheezey (86 ye know) was never fooled however. He remembers the time he was captured and cruelly interrogated by the Desert Fox outside Tobruk in 1942. Speaking from the British Legion club in Larkhall he told The Satire. "All this guff about him being a gallant hero and a gentleman is just complete nonsense. I remember him goose stepping up to me, fixing me with an evil stare and saying, "Vot iss your name?" I knew right there and then he was a sausage munching kraut scumbag and not to be trifled with. So I told him everything. His eyes were really close together. I think he might have been a catholic as well. None of yous are Tims are you? Winston Churchill. He had the right idea with the Irish you know."

The exhibition continues and will be followed up in April with " Uncle Joe Stalin-He wasn't that bad a bloke."

Scottish Division to be Amalgamated

(Above: The New IFV  MACV10)

(Left: Pvt Col. F. Douglas in the ceremonial

garb of the newly formed regiment)

                                         

Old soldiers were furious yesterday at the news that the Scottish Division is to be downsized even further in a sweeping new defence cut anounced by the government .

In a massive shake up of the existing structure, The Royal Regiment of Scotland is to be reduced down to one soldier. The new regiment will be known as the 1st Bn The Queen's Ownly Highlander and is to be based in a Portakabin in Edinburgh Castle Esplanade.

The regiments only soldier, Frankie Douglas from Partick, is to be given the new rank of Private Colonel in keeping with the rigours of the regiment's new role. Pvt Col. Douglas will be responsible for administration and discipline within the new formation as well as having to execute the ordinary everyday duties expected of a modern infantry soldier. To reduce costs even further Pvt Col. Douglas will have to feed and equip himself at his own expense, although on the receipt of this news many old soldiers have remarked "What the fuck's new?" The MOD have however managed to negotiate a deal with ASDA/Wal-Mart where the new regiment will be given a 10% discount on all work related products including tins of beans, spam, corned beef, own brand tea/coffee and  DPM combat gear from George. The Soldier will also be expected to fuck himself about on a regular basis.

A top Army Head Shed, Brigadier General Sir Alan Empty Uniform-Smyth OBN* gave The Satire his thoughts on the new arrangements. "Well you know it's always been my view that the traditional set up of the Army has always been the best one and I have made my views about these disgraceful and dangerous defence cuts absolutely clear". He said, covering his arse. Asked whether he or any of his fellow officers planned to resign their commisions in protest over the cuts the Brigadier coughed and spluttered, looked at his watch and said ," Good Lord! Is that the time? I must be getting on up to the mess. I have every confidence in the ability of our brave chap to cope with whatever challenges he will face." With that he stood up, saluted then about turned and walked into a cupboard.

The news of the amalgamation comes on the heels of a revelation that the new regiment is to be deployed to Afghanistan early next year. He will be the first unit to be equipped with the recently unveiled state of the art Armoured Personnel Carrier. The much touted AFV MACV 10, Kevlar 18 speed Mountain Bike with front mounted basket. Able to carry 5 kilos of groceries or even ammunition. Top MOD boffins have described the new vehicle as "The Rolls Royce of modern armoured infantry transport". Soldiers carrying out trials of the prototype at Warminster and BATUS earlier this year described it as "a pile of shite!"

Pvt Col. Douglas was unavailable for comment as he was beasting himself up the Pentland hills.

*Order of the Brown Nose