Shitty Skiddies Death Toll Reaches 100,000

One of the many "cases" of Shitty Scants discovered in Wishaw yesterday

From our Health Correspondent: Dr. Charles Mingin'

The Scottish Government are set to introduce new harsher control measures after deaths with shitty scants rose to 100,000 this year.

In Wishaw alone yesterday over 100 new cases of Shitey scants emerged as testing increased.

"This is Arsemageddon!" Exclaimed serial gobshite Nicola Sturgeon to a packed room of assembled credulous media fuckwits at Holyrood earlier today. She chuntered on.. "When oh when will the public realise the very real and present danger this skiddy pants epidemic presents? Accordingly I will be announcing stricter new restrictions later today and by fuck you cunts better dae as yer telt otherwise al set Humza oan yeez. Understood?"

The announcement comes as Scant deaths spiral upwards and cases of Skidmarks continue to rise despite the previous measures imposed. The harsh new rules include

- Making the wearing of your scants on the outside of yer troosers compulsory so as the polis can check them.

- Closing down of all curry houses and a ban on sales of ready meals containing curry dishes from supermarkets. Guinness and Buckfast tonic wine have been on a growing list of beverages, including coffee, to be banned.

- Scary films have been blocked on Amazon and Netflix as opposed to previously only on the cooncil telly.

- A ban on g-strings and thongs which seem to be the main cause of deaths with shite stains.

- Travel bans to India. Pakistan, Most of Asia and Africa, Venezuela and of course...Wales.

- Schoolchildren to be stopped from giving each other wedgies in the playground as teachers are becoming feart which in turn is increasing the number of cases.

However, Mail on Sunday Jeremiah Peter Hitchens tore into the new rules.

"Look, there is really no reason to believe that just because a middle aged man pulled from a canal is wearing a pair of soiled under garments, that's what he died OF. Dying WITH honking shreddies is not the same as dying OF them. Correlation is not necessarily causality. How many sodding times do I have to say that?" He thundered before launching into yet another one on Grammar schools.

Respected Epidemiologist with qualifications falling out her arse, and co-author of The Great Shartingon Declaration, Prof. Sunetra Gupta added...

"It's not really my field of expertise this one, but I have to agree with what that beardy bloke from the Daily Mail just said. It's a well known fact that when you pop your clogs you obviously lose control of your farting strings and keech your breeks. That's probably what's making the daft cunts at SAGE and that put two and two together and make five for fuck's sakes. Another thing, how can you check for skids on exterior underwear?"

But fat hypocritical Etonian, fake headline peddling, Bullingdon Club twat Piers Morgan countered ..

"These Skidiots should be made visit a morgue and have the victim's shitty undies rubbed in their selfish faces. Then they should have to stand there and try to tell the grieving families their loved ones weren't killed by a skitter. This thing is real and it's a killer. As sure as there's a basement in the Daily Mail building."

Nicola Sturgeon's announcement has been turned into a faintly amusing anal smoke blowing exercise on Youtube by Janey Godley for anyone sad enough to care.

 

Activists Demand Lobey Dosser Statue be Removed

The Offending Article

Left wing activists in the city of Glasgow have demanded the removal and melting down of a fictional comic strip character's statue.

The Sheriff of Calton Creek, Lobey Dosser, pictured above on his bipedal steed El Fideldo. His nemesis Rank Bajin riding pillion, has incurred the wrath of some middle class crusties with nothing better to worry about. The character was created by Partick poet and cartoonist Bud Neill for the Evening Times in 1949 and the much loved statue created by Tony Morrow and Nick Gillon has stood in the city's Woodlands area since 1992. But all that may change if one group of social justice heroes gets it's way.

Ranting and raving and slavering like a rabid dug, 21 year old Sinead O'Harridan from a group calling itself Bland Lives Matter yelled at The Satire..

" The people of Glasgow demand the immediate removal and destruction of this disgusting racist symbol of patriarchal tyranny before we do it ourselves. This sort of so called humorous homunculus is a blot on the landscape and a stain on the reputation of the city."

Asked what exactly her travesty was zhe thundered on..

 Where do I begin? Well first off he's just another old white man with a beard. Are there no women with beards? What about Mary Beard? Ok, she might not have a beard, but she could grow one.

Secondly his nemesis is black, reinforcing the stereotypical trope that black folk are all criminals.

Thirdly he was always harassing Big Chief Toffee Teeth and his Pawnee tribe, the racist, colonialist imperialist hairy bastard.

Fourth, the character of Fairy Nuff was clearly a crack at the expense of the LGBTQ + community.

Fifth the name Lobey Dosser is highly offensive to homeless people.

Finally just look, there's two grown men on that poor horse with only two legs which is cruelty to animals and exploiting the disabled. What more do you want you fascist scum?

At that zhe kicked our reporter in the bollocks then together with Mhairi Black MP vandalised the statue.

On regaining consciousness our man on the ground asked local tradesman, and regular Satire rent- a- quote, Frankie Douglas (40) what he thought of the demands.

"Yer kiddin? Naw, seriously? Ye ur kiddin ...aren't ye? Fur fuck's sakes that mad bint isnae even fae Glesga, she moved here fae Buckinghamshire last week. What's next, take doon Desperate Dan's statue in Dundee coz he ate Coo Pies and meat is murder? Ah gie up."

First Minister and authoritarian clown Nicola Sturgeon waded into the argument.

"I think this is just ridiculous. I demand to know who put this atrocity up in the first place. I can assure my left wing voters that this disgraceful sculpture will be destroyed and it's creators prosecuted as soon as we finish ripping doon Desperate Dan in Dundee."

Nicola Sturgeon is insane.

Police Granted Powers to Make You Stand on One Leg and go Blibble Blibble Blibble

Mr. Fairweather - Blythe of Woking was "perfectly happy" to oblige

From our Legal Correspondent: Carlton Mingles Q.C

British Police have been granted new powers by parliament to help combat the spread of Covid-19.

In a special sitting last night MPs voted overwhelmingly to pass the Clearlysomethingmustbedone Act 2020, paragraph 2 subsection 3 clause c.
Effectively as of midnight last night it will be within police remit to oblige citizens to stand on one leg, put one finger in their ear and go "Blibble, blibble blibble"on their lips with the other hand.

In the wording of the act "constabulary must ensure the action is executed as prescribed, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. The index finger of the right hand in the right aural orrifice and the lips blibbled thrice with the first three fingers of the left hand. No more. No less. Failure to comply immediately and precisely will result in arrest, and conviction without trial to imprisonment for a minimum of 6 months. Heil Healthcare!"

Many opposition MPs are incensed by the legislation.
MP for Birmingham & Stalingrad Jess Phillips thundered in a faux working class accent....
 "This is far too little too late from this Tory Fascist government. Police should have been granted these powers years ago, and should go even further. Men in particular should be forced to carry out these actions wherever they are found. but it shouldn't be their fingers they should have to stuff in their misogynistic ears. It would stop them raping everything in sight, I can tell you."

Scottish First Monster Nicola Sturgeon complained..
 " This draconian legislation has been rushed through without any consultation whatsoever. It's no fair. I thought of this idea first. We were just about to implement it too when the UK parliament rushed it through. Now I have to think of some way to jock it up. Perhaps force people to wear a See You Jimmy hat and hum Floer O Scotland while they do it. "

Peter Hitchens of The Mail on Sunday blasted the government in his column stating..
 " These ludicrous and intrusive measures will have little effect on the spread of the virus. The government should concentrate on solving the whole root of the problem. The abolition of grammar schools. "

However his colleague at the Mail Piers Moron counter blasted..
 "Anyone who has the temerity to question sensible and precautionary measures such as these is quite simply a heartless bastard who wants people to die a horrible, coughing spluttering and highly politicised death. Shame on them"

When our correspondent put it to him that his mate Donald Trump was himself an initial sceptic of the voracity of the virus. Moron called him a cunt and threw him out of his Taxi.

One member of the public who's been stopped and tested 6 times already by the police was highly supportive.
 "We all have to do our bit you know. Just like the war. I'm perfectly happy to oblige as I have nothing to hide. If you aren't doing anything wrong why would you worry?"
Said 43 yo insurance broker from Surrey Rupert Fairweather- Blythe. He added..
" We should bring back National Service while we are at it. "
Asked whether he'd been in the services himself he replied..
"Yes. 14 months St. John's Ambulance." And strutted off self righteously down the Strand.

A PR spokesperson for the police told The Satire..
 "Look, these powers won't be used excessively, they will be only used in extremis. Such as when a women is seen loitering aimlessly on a railway platform.  When someone looks a bit odd. If they happen to be wearing football colours of a team that an officer doesn't like. When you're jogging less than 2m behind a fit looking bird that the officer wants to impress. Or anytime we fancy making you look a total arse."

 " Cough, wheeeeeze, splutter, cough, bleeeurgh, wiff waff. "

Said the Prime Minister(55)

Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.