Hairdresser Sacked for "Lack of Bronzing"

Miss MacGraw outside the Tribunal offices in Bothwell St.  

A Glasgow hairdresser is taking her former employer to a tribunal for Unfair Dismissal claiming she has been "discriminiminated against an' that".

Chavonne MacGraw(19) was dismissed from her position at Celine's Salon, Dennistoun Glasgow in July this year.

According to salon owner/manager Celine McCabe(24), Chavonne was sacked after failing to come up to the standard required for skin tone in the salon.

"We have certain standards in this shoap(sic). It's a' very well being able tae dae folks hair an' that, but in the end if yer skins no orange enough folk'l no respect an trust ye. Chavonne was gave hunners of chances tae get her coupon up tae scratch. She just wisnae tryin. We started a wee lassie fae Bridgeton last Saturday who wis a wee bit peely wally an that. But she's been oan they sunbeds constantly an in jist ane week she's lookin like Tutankhamen. That's dedication fur ye."

Chavonne hit back, "It's no ma fault! It's discriminimination an' that. Av been drinkin' Sunny D like it's gaun oot ae fashion. A spent a fortune oan they sunbeds an fake tan treatments. A jist don't hiv the complexion tae start wi. Whit difference dis it make tae the way a dae ma joab?"

The Satire put Chavonne's surprisingly reasonable seeming question to our madly badly misinformed regular rent-a-quote, Celine customer, and self professed polymath, Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead.

"A feel sorry fur the lassie as joabs ur scarce, whit wi hur hivin a record fur shoapliftin an that, bit the rules ur the rules. Don't even think aboot comin near ma Glesga Fair unless ye look like ye personally witnessed the Hiroshima bomb fae a hunner yards away. Ah wid drap this case if a wis hur. As Celine's boyfriend Boaby isnae a man ye want tae trifle wi. There a said it."

Maureen may be referring to Celine's boyfriend Boaby's unorthodox "business" interests and associates.

Boaby "Barlinnie" Lennox from Glasgow's tough Provanmill area, who bought the salon for Celine as a birthday present to "gie his his heid peace."

It's been rumoured he may have had another motive when a recent audit revealed that the tiny salon would have to be processing 712 customers a day to justify the lucrative profits it appears to make.

Miss MacGraw is not without her own connections however, her uncle being a notorious crime lord himself, and there are fears that the situation could escalate into "Tanwars".

The case continues.

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."

It's a Knockout Death Penalty Re-instated

The government has today has given in to mounting pressure to impose stricter penalties on the increasing number of 1970's Radio and TV personalities being implicated in sex scandals.

Home Secretary Teresa May speaking to The Satire this morning said the government had now moved swiftly to bring in strong additional deterent measures. And from midnight tonight the 'It's a Knockout ' Death Penalty will be imposed on any and all 1970's Radio and TV personalities found guilty of appearing in the tabloids or on Twitter accused of any sort of sex act.

Mrs May told The Satire,"We're not waiting anymore until they've been found 'Guilty' by a 'Court of Law' using 'Fair and Judicial Practice in Accordance with Centuries of Legal Precedent and Magna Carta' or any of that poncy euro-bollocks!"

"As soon as they're accused, it's straight to the prison cells and summary execution the very next morning. It's the only way to deal with these sort of vile beasts in a United Kingdom known throughout the World to be the Very Beating Heart of Democracy."

"And this is the only civilised way to protect that democracy and the subjugates, I mean subjects ... sorry 'people' who serve her, I mean live here, I mean, you know, what are they called ... the punters. Yes, we've really thought this one through and it's the best and fairest policy for all."

Further details of the new law were announced this morning. The perpetrator will be be released from the prison onto a piece of waste ground in Belgium dressed in a giant penguin costume and carrying two pails of water. They will then have to navigate a series of hilarious obstacles such as a giant inflatable water-slide filled with soapy bubbles, and inflatable tunnels & bouncy castles. Once they reach the end of the course any remaining water left in their pails will be measured by Eddie Waring and donated to charity.

They will then be shot through the back of the head by The Prime Minster, David Cameron -  who, to soften the blow (as it were) will be dressed in a Mr Blobby costume.

"We're still deciding on the choice of music to play during the execution," said the Home Secretary. "But it'll have to be something light and fun. After all, when you're shooting someone through the back of the head on a piece of Belgian waste-ground, the whole thing can very easily turn into a bit of a downer ...eh, so I'm told ..."

The Satire believes the choice of music will either be 'Bang Bang' by BA Robertson or, to appease the Belgians, 'Ca Plane Pour Moi' by Plastic Bertrand.

"After all we are, effectively, murdering un-tried British citizens in their cuntry (Please note, Home Secretary's own spelling - ed)  And, technically, without their permission. And as you know Charles, in the modern Tory Party we are all about the compromise."

When asked whether the event will be televised in front of a live audience, the Home Secretary told us, "Don't be preposterous. This is a a matter of serious legal procedure and not something to be taken lightly. We may invite along some DJ's and some lucky local kids - and of course Sky have shown some interest. But it'll all be done in very good taste."

Gordon Lightfoot Finds Someone Creeping Round His Back Stairs

                                  ( Gordon Lightfoot: "Surprisingly unfazed")

Canadian troubadour Gordon Lightfoot found someone creeping round his back stairs yesterday evening yet remains disappointingly and surprisingly unfazed by the incident.


At 18:00 Hrs Eastern Standard Time (around dusk) yesterday evening, Corporal Marty 'Moose' MacGonagal,of 'A' Division Ontario RCMP took the call.
"We received the call telling us that Mr. Lightfoot had reported a disturbance and a possible intruder on the stairs at the rear of his Condo. My partner Constable Larson and I just stared in horror at each other. My God, I thought. Gordon's been banging on for years aboot how someone should 'take care!' if he ever foond them creeping aroond his back stairs. Frankly we expected a bloodbath. Or at the very least we'd find someone beaten to death with an acoustic guitar eh. We flew along that 401 to Mississauga at top speed eh.

But when we arrived at the condo we just foond Mrs. Lightfoot looking a bit like a queen in a sailor's dream pointing oot a man wandering away doon the street. She was quite agitated and I couldn't help feeling she wasn't saying what she really meant. However when we stopped the man, sure enough he had indeed been at Gordon's residence, but had a reasonable enough explanation. When I told the guy who's stairs he'd been on he nearly shit himself. It was a close call. Mr. Lightfoot just sat on his balcony the whole time looking surprisingly unfazed and singing 'If you could read my mind'. Which I suppose could be a bit sinister but all in all it was somewhat of an anti climax."

Gordon Lightfoot is 73 and pisses all over Alanis Morissette's whiny shite.

Modern Police Force - Raymond Mearns Des Clarke

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.

The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 

Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:

• Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
• Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
• Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
• Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
• Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
• Going to get their room tidied up.

A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 

John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.

Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.

The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.

First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."

The Bullshit continues.

Campaign To Bring Back Ducking Stool Underway

(Left:The Ducking stool put to use on Common Scold)

(Right: Mr Drial heavily disguised)

An Edinburgh Man is campaigning for the return of The Ducking Stool.

Tom Drial(42),who counts John Knox's First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women as one of his favourite holiday reads. Has been lobbying his MP, MSP and The Scottish Parliament for the reimplementation of the device for 5 years now."Let's be clear. We done away with this thing hundreds of years ago and where has it gotten us? Loose Women, that's where. The afternoon TV show I mean. Not the other kind. I'm rather partial to them." Mr. Drial, who's toilet seat is nailed permanently in an upright position, told The Satire! " It may seem cruel and antiquated but those are only two of the advantages. As well as being a punishment it can provide great mirth and delight to countless stressed out men. Fit looking birds could also be made to wear a thin white T-shirt that would go see through when she is ducked. It really is multi faceted. 

Tom Drial who looks uncannily like The Editor of an online satirical magazine is to stranger to controversey. Only last month he was awarded the freedom of the City of Riyadh by King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz for "Services to Manfulness". Only to have it rescinded two weeks later when it was discovered Drial had driven a bulldozer through a felafel shop in support of Israel's invasion of Lebanon. Embarrassingly for Drial and the Israelis it later transpired the shop was not even run by Arabs. Drial sent a letter of apology to King Abdullah explaining he'd been "pished oot his nut" at the time. This only enraged the King even further and a fatwa was issued. The Mossad are also on his case. Lothian and Borders Police put a round the clock watch on Tom but he pissed them off by constantly referring to two WPCs as "love", refusing to take the nails out the toilet seat and regularly demanding that they make him cups of tea while trying to get in their pants. The team pulled out.

Mr Drial has also compiled a list of crimes for which the ducking stool could be used along with appropriate punishments. The List includes:

• Common Scoldery:                                                             Three Ducks of 1 minute each.
• Fishwivery:                                                                     One Duck            1 min
• Meddlesome Ratbaggery:                                               Three                    1 min
• Burning my dinner:                                                         Four                     2 min
• Gasbaggery:                                                                   Two                      1 min
• Buying me the wrong present for my birthday when I've banged on for a Bastard year about that putter I wanted:

Drownded, revived by being slapped in the face with said John Knox masterpiece then drownded again.

We at The Satire put it to Mr. Drial, who is surprisingly single, that he was being slightly misogynistic what with this being modern times but he chuckled and disagreed. " Not at all, I'm a big softcock really. I always hold in my farts in bed with a woman and whenever a household appliance breaks down I always get her a new one."

The scheduled march through the streets of Edinburgh by thousands of supporters was canceled today when their wives wouldn't let them go.
         

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

                     (Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.

D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.

1. That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
2. That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.
   

Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.

" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.

Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:

• £150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
• £50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
• £55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
• £35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell

This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.

" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."

Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.

Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.

Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. " My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto's around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users. On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out 'a courtin' and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour."

Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked " It's no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse's wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It's hardly Al'qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.

His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, "I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's a shame. "The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.

The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should  the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.

Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.

Kraze Twins Terrorise Glasgow's East End!

(Pictured. Above left: The Kraze Twins ruled the mean streets of Glasgow with a rod of iron and a plastic hoop. Right: Exhibit A. Ronnie's weapon of choice)

Today You Super Soaraway Scottish Satire! publishes the first extract from the autobiography of Reggie Kraze, who with his evil brother Ronnie, ran the mean streets of Glasgow throughout the 70's and 80's ....

Ronnie and I had always been mad on the latest craze that came out and our dear mother Violet made sure we wanted for nothing, God rest her delicate almighty soul. (She's not dead, just in a nursing home. But she's lost it, poor deluded cow)

Our dear old mum was always first in the toy shop queue when the new craze came out. Hula hoops, skateboards, scooters, we had them all and wanted for nothing. So it's perhaps appropriate that, when our reign of terror on the streets of Glasgow began, we should use as our weapons of choice, our much-beloved childhood toys.

Also, what with being called The 'Kraze' Twins is seemed natural to capitalise on this lucky bit of punnery. (I myself love word-play and, after a hard day's torture, there's nothing I love better than sitting down with a good Giles Brandreth or Richard Stilgoe book of humour. Marvelous.)

I remember well my first time interrogating a man who owed me money using a pogo-stick and a pair of clackers. He cracked almost immediately and the word got round, 'Don't mess with The Kraze Twins, they've got scooters, slinkies, all sorts, and they're not afraid to use them.'

But I think it was when Ronnie first killed a man using a space hopper that our reputation really took off. The lad in question, Mad Davie Donaldson, was the muscle in a rival gang and was a tough nut himself, God bless him. So it took Ronnie seven hours of repeated beating with the hopper to finally finish him off.

Ronnie was always such a kid at heart. I remember to this day watching him inbetween beatings, bouncing up and down on the space hopper, bits of teeth and brains all over the thing and Ronnie skidding on the blood-soaked floor as he played away, happy as a sandboy.

He was a gentle giant with the heart of a saint and I miss him very dearly ( Okay, he's not actually dead either, just in Barlinnie Special Unit. But he takes it up the shitter and I haven't spoken to him for 15 years, the evil noncing scum)

Inevitably, in the 90's with the rise of computer games, our days were numbered. Rival gangs started to flood in from Japan and Eastern Europe with the latest Nintendos and what have you.

We did try to compete for a while, but it's not nearly so easy to intimidate someone with a SuperMario Games consol, I don't care what they say. You end up resorting to mere verbal goading, 'I've heard it told on the street that you canny even make it to level three you muppet!' and so on. It's not the same and we couldn't compete.

We eventually retired and left the streets to these new lads. I found out later that these new gangs weren't actually using computer games at all. But knives, guns, enforced prostitution and protection rackets. I wish we'd thought of that.

But we had our day and it was glorious while it lasted. You can't go back, as they say. I still have all my old toys, battered and bruised and blood-stained they may be, but every one has a story to tell and I keep them for sentimental value. Plus, my little 7-year-old grandson Tyson loves to hear all grandad's old stories, the gorier the better. God bless him.

Kilt Controversy

A row broke out at Grangemouth Sports and Leisure Complex on Saturday when a man was refused entry in a kilt.

Proud Scot Dougie Archibald fumed " I'm a true and proud Scot as you can see and I wear my kilt everywhere. I like nothing better than demonstrating my patriotism and love for my country by cheerfully and traditionally sliding down the flumes in The Plaid. It gives me a great thrill. I can't see why the fascists at the baths in Grangemouth have a problem. Rumour has it that the manager is English and that would explain a lot."

Gary Jones the Manager of the complex gave his side of the story. Speaking exclusively to The Satire he explained " look I'm not even English I'm Welsh. I'm married to a Scotch Lass and my kids are Scotch. This has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with a hairy arsed lout flagrantly getting his jollies by exposing his tackle to all and sundry. He's always at it. There are kids on those flumes for God's sakes."

Local SNP activist Donny McMurdo was unimpressed with that however and waded in.

" It's a well known fact that the Welsh are practically English, and that they fought against us at Bannockburn and Falkirk. They are obviously jealous of our proper parliament and our kilts and try to copy everything we do. I will be taking this to the European court of human rights. It's blatant racial discrimination.No wonder it's still legal to kill a Welshman in Chester."

Today Dougie Archibald remained defiant and vowed to continue sliding down the flumes with abandon.

" No sheepshagging druid troglodyte is going to stop me from exercising my democratic right to wear my national dress. He can piss off back to his own country and stop being racist."

A report is being sent to the Procurator Fiscal.