Music Business " Chuffed to Fuck" About Bowie

Bowie

Lemmy

The music industry where said to be chuffed to fuck yesterday about the death of David Bowie. The shock demise of the switch hitting songster comes hard on the heels of the recent croaking of Mortarhead front man Lenny Kravitz.

"We're Chuffed to Fuck to hear the sad news about David Bowie as this means the entire business can go into overdrive selling loads of shit. What with it being on the heels of that other bloke what died of an extremely opportune cancer of the arsehole or something. All we need now is that cunt MacCartney to shuffle off for the treble." Said silly hairdoed impressario and celebrity shitehouse Simon Cowell. While on the phone to his agent, trying to get photo ops of himself greetin' while staring wistfully at a copy of Diamond Dogs.

"This is terrible news." Chimed in Toby Shortbread the Manager of HMV on Princes St Edinburgh.
"We just got the front of shop all Motorheady with books CDs , DVDs , mugs, T-shirts , posters and other worthless shite that's been clogging up our storeroom for ages. Now we will have to clear some of that away and Get our Bowie shit together. On the bright side it's good for the tills as we usually sell fuck all after Christmas. This gives me a great chance to offload all those Blue ray DVDs of Labyrinth that I've been stuck with. They'll fucking fly out the door at a decent mark up."

Regular Satire rent a quote Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead was out shopping in The Forge when this reporter caught up with her and her six weans.

"I'm just here tae spend ma Christmas vouchers wi the weeans so am ur. I was definitely gonnae buy Munterhead's Space of Aids fur ma da so a wis. Then a saw that Munterhead made a load of other songs and even albums and got confused. Then a found oot that Bowwowwow were pan breed as well. It gave me a quandry, so a just boat Now That's What I Call An Atrocity vol 169."

BBC Radio Scotland's Vic Galloway was unsurprisingly upbeat.
"We were all ready to play a load of Motorhead stuff selected for the programme by the members of Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura and Chvrches. But theyd never heard anything other than Ace of Spades. So it was quite a relief When Mr. David Bowie esquire bit the dust. Fuck that Heavy Metal Pish."

His Radio Scotland colleague Billy Droan added.
" I'm extremely saddened to hear of the death of my good mate David Bowie. Especially after the sudden death of my bestest great pal Lenny Bruce of Monster Magnet. Now here's a track from U2."

Stockbridge rent a quote for all things muso Olaf Furniss, summed things up nicely when he oppined.
"This is tragic. I'd even say it's Pish yeah. I'm on holiday in Mexico and thought I'd nowt better to do than drink mojitos, eat veggie tacos and sun ma Peely Wally self. Now I'm going to have to knock out at least 500 words a piece to The Scotsman and The Skinny.
Inconsiderate cunts!!"

David Bowfy was 69

Hairdresser Sacked for "Lack of Bronzing"

Miss MacGraw outside the Tribunal offices in Bothwell St.  

A Glasgow hairdresser is taking her former employer to a tribunal for Unfair Dismissal claiming she has been "discriminiminated against an' that".

Chavonne MacGraw(19) was dismissed from her position at Celine's Salon, Dennistoun Glasgow in July this year.

According to salon owner/manager Celine McCabe(24), Chavonne was sacked after failing to come up to the standard required for skin tone in the salon.

"We have certain standards in this shoap(sic). It's a' very well being able tae dae folks hair an' that, but in the end if yer skins no orange enough folk'l no respect an trust ye. Chavonne was gave hunners of chances tae get her coupon up tae scratch. She just wisnae tryin. We started a wee lassie fae Bridgeton last Saturday who wis a wee bit peely wally an that. But she's been oan they sunbeds constantly an in jist ane week she's lookin like Tutankhamen. That's dedication fur ye."

Chavonne hit back, "It's no ma fault! It's discriminimination an' that. Av been drinkin' Sunny D like it's gaun oot ae fashion. A spent a fortune oan they sunbeds an fake tan treatments. A jist don't hiv the complexion tae start wi. Whit difference dis it make tae the way a dae ma joab?"

The Satire put Chavonne's surprisingly reasonable seeming question to our madly badly misinformed regular rent-a-quote, Celine customer, and self professed polymath, Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead.

"A feel sorry fur the lassie as joabs ur scarce, whit wi hur hivin a record fur shoapliftin an that, bit the rules ur the rules. Don't even think aboot comin near ma Glesga Fair unless ye look like ye personally witnessed the Hiroshima bomb fae a hunner yards away. Ah wid drap this case if a wis hur. As Celine's boyfriend Boaby isnae a man ye want tae trifle wi. There a said it."

Maureen may be referring to Celine's boyfriend Boaby's unorthodox "business" interests and associates.

Boaby "Barlinnie" Lennox from Glasgow's tough Provanmill area, who bought the salon for Celine as a birthday present to "gie his his heid peace."

It's been rumoured he may have had another motive when a recent audit revealed that the tiny salon would have to be processing 712 customers a day to justify the lucrative profits it appears to make.

Miss MacGraw is not without her own connections however, her uncle being a notorious crime lord himself, and there are fears that the situation could escalate into "Tanwars".

The case continues.

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

Santa Claus Branded Paedo by Police

Police raided the North Pole home of rotund Winter Festival celebrity Father Christmas this morning and seized his computer, toys and around 40 tonnes of children's letters.

"We've been aware of Mr Claus' suspicious behaviour for a while now and decided to act before it was too late," said Chief Inspector Alastair Witchunt from The North Pole Constabulary.

"From encouraging kids to send him letters - 'Saville-style', to turning up unannounced in children's bedrooms in the dead of night and most damning of all, deciding who gets a reward based on whether they've been a 'good little boy or girl' - using his own ambiguous and unexamined criteria, of course. It's textbook grooming behaviour."

Defending Mr Claus, Head Elf Sebastian T Laird told us," This really is taking the f**king piss. What the F**K do they think they're playing at, the daft c**ts?! The power has gone to their f**king heads. This is our busiest time of year as well. Stupid c**ts. Well, f**k them, f**k them all. No presents for them this year. They're getting sweet f**k all!"

Police estimate that Claus' behaviour could date back centuries, making even the late Jimmy Saville look like a rank amateur in the paedophile stakes.

ADVERTISING FEATURE

                                   

        The Brannen BJ69 Duberryferkin "It's The Bollocks"

Jools Holland says             " I've always done alright with the birds.

                                       But ever since buying one of these Brannen

                                       Jobbies,  girls as young as 16 have been 

                                       queueing up in droves to suck my cock"

We've all been there. You come home from a hard day screwing up the economy at the bank and all you want to do is listen to some Mantovani, or perhaps some Napalm Death, or maybe even Aga Do by Black Lace. Fuck knows! You get the picture. But wait! Since moving into that swanky new 3 bedroom bastard house you couldn't really afford but she'd been nagging on at you for for two years just to impress her parents and her idiot mates, you haven't been arsed to unpack your impressive CD collection. So off you traipse up to the "guest room". Bollocks! Which box were they in again? No. Not that one. That's all her exercise DVD's and the Thighblaster TM  that's in as much danger as seeing action as as a train spotter's tadger. After an hour you finally find what your looking for. Shite! All her CD's are at the top. NOW That's what I call an absolute load of bilge volumes 1 through 100. Katie fuckin Melua, God who listens to her? Where the fuck are your CD's? Ahh finally after rummaging through a car boot sale of utter crap you get to what you want. 

But what's this? Once back in the lounge you open up Nigel Kennedy's Vivaldi Four Seasons to find the kid's Bob the Builder CD. Do you know what, FUCK IT that'l do. You're not going back up those stairs. Then when you eventually get it in and press play it only skips and jumps like Graham Norton on his way to judge a Beautiful Bums contest.

Frankly, who needs the balls ache? Not fuckin you that's who. Put an end to the CD misery with the Brannen BJ69 Thingummy.

Features Include:

• A big fuck off button on the front.
• A display that tells you what's on and that.
• A Dial that's the big button as well
• Small enough to leave on the Bus, Train, Plane or in back of a taxi 

These exclusive innovations allow you to:

• Put all your music onto one machine. A bit like your computer
• Choose and play an album or track without getting off your arse. A bit like a hi-fi
• You get to see what's playing from across the room. A bit like using binoculars
• One button plays all your tracks at random. Another turns it off. A bit like your computer again
• Show off to the kind of tossers that live in your mock Tudor gulag

If that's not enough for you to give the credit card a caning listen to this...

Jools Holland chunters on, "I was sick to my boogey woogey piano playing tits of rummaging through my CD's constantly. Wasting valuable advertising time fart arsing about with cases and buttons. After only 67 hours of shoving discs in and out of that slot at the front. My entire collection is available at the touch of a dial. Well actually I got my Polish maid to do it. I was to busy being fellated by barely legals. Not only that but my boogey woogey piano playing has improved no end I can tell you."

Just look at these other celebrity endorsements you cynical twat.

"If I had have had one of them  Brannen contraptions I wouldn't have been interfering with Her Maj's lady bits"

  M. Fagan HMP Broadmoor

" Why oh why oh why don't I have a Brannen? I  Think I'll go out and kill every fucker"

 Anders Behring Breivik. Norway

" If my son had have had a Brannen he'd never have been eaten by a bear!"

  That bloke wots son was eaten by a bear. UK

 " Force all these striking civil servant twats to buy one of these gizmos and they'd soon go back to work"

   Jeremy Clarkson. The Cotswolds

  " I was going to Nuke Israel into the stone age but now I have my Brannen and don't need to rummage through my Yusef Islam collection, I've chilled the fuck out."  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Iran

Let the final word go to the man himself. The electronic genius that is Mathew Brannen

" If it wasn't for this thing I invented no one would know who the hell I was and I'd be still buggering about with Sir Clive Sinclair. If you don't buy one you're a dick. A dick who's destined to spend his days fannying about with CD's while your kids and the neighbours kids piss themselves a laughing at you. Come on yer miserable git. It's Christmas and it might even help the economy. So rope the missus or whoever into getting you one. Yes I know I won't tell you how much it is. If I did you'd say "Fucksakes! Sod that! And just put all your sounds on your hard drive."

Buy the Brannen BJ69 at a knockdown price from The Satire! No! We're not telling you the price either.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)






(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)

Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.

The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.

"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.

News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.

"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.

Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.

Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra. 

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin

             
                       (She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)

                                   
                             (Madeley)


(Softcock)


Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.

Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.

"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.

They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.

The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male.  He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.

The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."

Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"

Man Mortified at "Knocking One Out" to Mary Portas

    

                                           Mary: Queen of Cock

An Edinburgh man was black affronted yesterday to discover himself having a good old tug to Mary 'Queen of Shops 'Portas.

"I'm somewhat confused and slightly disgusted over the whole incident". Claimed the ruggedly handsome and libidinous Editor of the world famous The Satire! from his festering pit earlier this evening. "I mean I always considered her a bit of a munter and borderline boiler. Imagine my surprise when she popped up inexplicably in my mid day wank fantasy. 

I woke up about 11:50 am after a hard night on the lash. I'd been having a horny dream involving The Pussycat Dolls and a bottle of baby oil. I found myself starting out with my usual gentle lazy strum, building up to a decent rhythm with Demi Moore doing striptease for me. Then out the blue, just as I'm reaching the vinegar strokes to Britney Spears, Mary fuckin Portas pops into mind. Bending over the bonnet of her Audi A4 cabriolet with her mini skirt hitched up, giving me that come hither look they always give you just before you get arrested, and berating me for not presenting my member in a clean, professional and business like manner. Well I just couldn't stop myself. Before you could say 'unique selling point' I was pummeling her up the wrong un as she protested 'call that a good hard shag? I've had better on a wet Wednesday round the back of Top Shop.'

Well I must say, the worst part is that I've never had such a volcanic orgasm. The penguin walk to the toilet has never been so tricky. I have had a few dodgy ones in the past, you know the odd cartoon character (Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit etc.), I even had a quick one to Tracy Emin and just recently Kirsty Allsop. But this really is a new low.

I just hope that the whole episode doesn't end up posted on some online satirical blog. I'd be ruined.

Tom Laird is 43 and unsurprisingly single.

2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression

of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.

Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."

All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.

In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.

In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.

And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.

"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."

Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.

New Social Network "Shitter" Launched

(Above: The Ideal Shitter set up as favoured by Stephen Fry)

Geeks, pedants and trainspotters worldwide are cock-a-hoop today as a brand new pointless social networking site is launched.

Sitting Happily In The Toilet Existentially Remonstrating or Shitter to it's fans, went online at 06:00 GMT accompanied by a mass band of Tubas playing ELP's Fanfare for the Common Man. In honour of the auspicious occasion. The singer and song writer Kate Melua released a special Edition of her hit single,This is the Closest Thing to Crazy, on which she farts out the tune by placing one hand in her armpit, flapping her opposite elbow frantically. No mean feat to achieve, let alone describe without footage.

First to sign up was well known polymath,wit and huffy twat Stephen Fry. " Oh I know all the Jeremiah's and Luddites out there will be throwing up there hands in despair saying 'oh whats the bloody point', but I for one can tell them it's tremendous fun and highly informative. Certainly not as nasty and vindictive as Twitter."

Stephen as a wit and Shitter, or Shitwit as they are known. Hopes to Shite at least twenty times a day. A typical example could look like this:

07:45 GMT . Morning Shitters. Just logging on and out...haha...regular as clockwork me...NNnnngggg..Ahhhhh...bit solid this morning...to much....Nnggggggg roughage I fear..I notice Gordon Brown...NNNnnnnnnn...CCCHhhrist!!! ...Oh bother there's somebody at the door.

08:01 GMT . Back again...Bloody postman..here we go...maybe this time...Aaaaaarrrgghhh NNNNNggg...Jesus the unholy stench.....I really must purchase some laxative...at my age it's ... UUUUUUUUUgghhhhh..God help me.... feels like a bowling ball....I see Westminster Abbey has a new....AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHh.....At last...sweet relief....Fuck..forgot to buy bog roll...have to do the penguin walk to the kitchen now. Back soon.

Following Stephen's endorsement other celebrities are queuing up to keep the world appraised of their bowel movements, interspersed with plops of rapier sharp social comment.

I know this reporter has signed up to Lily Allen's. Hopefully there's a webcam.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire. 

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of  the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In  February 2006.  Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting  a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of  Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.

       

Bike Man Ordered In 1909 Finally In Stock

(Left:Kaspar Von Furniss test rides

the bicycle 110 years ago)

(Above: Von Furniss's Grandson Olaf Reacts to the news the bicycle is in stock)

A bicycle ordered a century ago by a German immigrant in Edinburgh eventually arrived yesterday. Much to the consternation of the mans descendants.

Mr Olaf Furniss(51) received the news by telephone in his poorly furnished Stockbridge flat yesterday. " I couldn't really take it in at first and wondered what the fuck they were going on about." Furniss told The Satire yesterday evening over a cup of tea without sugar, milk ,or indeed tea, in it. He continued," This annoyingly cheery voice on the other side of the phone announced blithely that the bike was in stock. Fuck me, I thought, that was quick I only ordered it 3 months ago. Surely some mistake. Imagine my consternation when I found out that it was a bike ordered by my grandad before the great war."

Innes MacPedal(17) Manager of  The Edinburgh Bike Collective (Formerly Ye Olde Edinburgh Bike Collective: Purveyors of the finest machines to the Discerning Gent) In Bruntsfield, made the following statement. " It only shows the quality of our service that even after all this time we still managed to deliver. Mr. Furniss is now potentially in possession of an antique of great value. Unfortunately this means that the balance he owes us which was previously £1. 5 shillings and thrupence is now £62,522.34p. The matter has been passed to our legal department and I have nothing further to say.Except you know what these boxheads are like. They want everything yesterday, and no sense of humour."

"This is pish." Complained Furniss from his badly insulated and even more poorly furnished flat, as the sherriff's officers removed his bread maker,fondue set, stereo gram, and Demis Roussos record collection. " I can't even get the bike I ordered now. I will have to walk to LiDL to buy my Pumpernickel."

He then branded The Edinburgh Bike Collective  "Cunts" and claimed it would never have happened had Hitler won the war.

Dangerous New Toy On Shelves

The governement was today warning of a dangerous new Christmas toy on the shelves, which could damage children if played with in the wrong way.

The Fisher-Price ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can slice a man in two with just one blow - but the manufacturers say that used sensibly it can bring even very young children hours of fun.

Company spokesperson Davie Donaldson told us, ‘This news scare is just nonsense. Under proper supervision, the ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can be used by children between 3-7 years to harmlessly slice tin cans, furniture and pets clean in two! The very idea that they would use it on themselves or their parents is patently absurd.’

This is the second of such scares in as many years. Last year Fisher-Price released their controversial baby-garrote, inspired by an episode of The Sopranos.

A spokesman for The Trading Standards Office told us, ‘ This is all part of the tradition at this time of year. We know it’s the run up to Christmas when these crazy scare stories start to appear. Besides, only a handful of working-class babies strangled their mothers last year - and most of them were lone parents. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

Puppy Sales Up 300 Percent

Sales of puppies have gone up 300% in Scotland since Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech earlier in the week.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘I’m very gullible and believe all my problems will be solved by buying a puppy. Just like yon coloured-fella who works in the White House.’

Unfortunately, the increase in new puppy sales has been exactly cancelled out by folk taking back their old puppies.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen MCGlinchie told us, ‘ I’m very gullible and was so inspired by yon coloured fella’s speech about change that I decided to swap the puppy for a new DVD-recorder instead. I’m still not happy. Cage the black beast, I say.’

Man Gets Served in Scotmid.

51 Year old Hugh MacTackle was jubilant yesterday after having being served in his local Scotmid in only a breathtaking 49 minutes. The champagne flowed at his Stockbridge home this evening at a soiree he organised to celebrate his good fortune.

"You read about these things and see them on telly" he said, "but it's always something that happens to someone else not you. I just couldn't believe my luck, even after I got home with my shopping I had to sit down and stare at my receipt. It just didn't seem real, I kept pinching myself but there it was in black and white. 'Served by Toby at 17:40. A staggering 49 minutes and 10 seconds after I stood in the queue for the checkout. To make things even more incredible there were at least another two people in front of me with about eight items between them. I myself had 6 items, two of which were from the bargain shelf, so that the student serving me had to input those long bar codes by hand. What are the odds? I was so pleased I phoned my sister in Australia to give her the news, but she thought It was one of my pranks and told me to piss off then hung up"

One of Hugh's fellow shoppers was not so enamoured however. Mrs Isa McGirdle (65) Lamented.

"I had been standing at the till for an hour while someone was fart arsing around with the lottery machine. They kept ringing and ringing that sodding bell underneath the counter but still no bugger turned up. Then this disinterested spotty student sauntered over to the other faraway till ,and said in an almost inaudible voice 'I'll take you over here please'. The bloody mile long queue disintegrated and I ended up last. Worst of all I was only buying a shagging tin of beans. Scotmid can kiss my wrinkled arse."

Scotmid were quick to capitalise on Mr. MacTackles good fortune however. Store Manager Mr. Roman Polanski (17) said,

" We are super happy with Mr. MacTackle and his happy day. We like to give very much super customer service. Thank you so much."

This is the second time in one year that Hugh has had a windfall.

" Yes it's extraordinary but true. A couple of months back I phoned the Citizens Advice Bureau in Dundas St. about a financial matter and someone answered the phone in just 5 and a half hours. It was only the cleaner however, but she did take my details at least and someone phoned me back in a month."

Asked what he would do with his new found lucky streak an ecstatic Mr. MacTackle ventured,

"Oh God I don't know, it's all so sudden. I think I might try getting served in a nightclub."

He laughed and laughed.......

Airline In Heterosexual Recruitment Drive.

Left: Typical Cabin Crew Below: Some heterosexual men.










A Scottish airline is to sensationally lead the way in appointing heterosexual men to cabin crew positions it was revealed to The Satire today in yet another coup for your favourite online news source.

Auld Scotia Airways based at the confusingly titled Glasgow Prestwick airport announced that they would team up with Straight lobby group Brickwall to recruit more heteros and encourage straight air stewards to be more open about their sexuality.

Until the late nineties straight men were banned from cabin crew jobs for fear they would try to shag all the stewardesses or would want to spend time with family. Straight men who wanted to take to the skies as a steward had to affect effeminate behaviour and mince about trying not to look at birds arses.

The drive to recruit more ethnic minorities to these posts has been active for some time, but the airlines targeting of the straight male community will come as something of a surprise to many. Brickwall, who are being paid by Auld Scotia, are also giving advice on how to create a working environment in which straight stewards can feel comfortable about 'coming out.'

Spokesman for Brickwall Peter Tadger commented, "In the past heterosexual staff were nervous about revealing their orientation to colleagues because it could have led to claims that they acted gay at their interviews. Auld Scotia have taken the first step to dragging the airline industry into modern Britain." Tadger who controversially attacked Peter Mandelsohn with a rolled up copy of Razzle last year added, "there is however a long way to go. There are many other airlines out there still exclusively stewarded by cock jocks."

Some current employees of the airline were not as enthusiastic about the new policy. Dorian Andrews(21), a senior steward who insisted on being named, told The Satire while pulling a face that looked like Graham Norton smelling a fart, "This is absolutely disgusting. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it the next thing they will want is to be hairdressers, fashion designers and BBC producers. It's just not on. All I can say is they better not come near any of my stewardesses. It's not normal."

Frankie Douglas(20), formerly an Electrician from Partick, is the first openly straight steward to join the airline and cheerfully told The Satire, "I am totally chuffed at getting the job, although I have had such a slagging from my mates telling me to sew my arsehole up and asking me if I will be serving "large ones" and all that shite. But I can take it." He was then distracted by a big titted trolley dolly bending over the check in desk. "PHHHhhhhhhWWWWooooaaarrrr!!!!!!" he growled while brandishing his fist in a phallic gesture. " I cant wait to brush past her in the aisle."

Auld Scotia have been inundated with applications.

Roslin Institute Set To Begin Salmond Farming At Loch Fyne

(Pictured: A Commercial Salmond Pen. And an earlier attempt gone wrong.)

The World Famous Roslin Institute is to begin commercial Salmond farming in Argyle a top Boffin announced yesterday.

The Institute also amusingly known as "The Royal (Dick)School of Veterinary Studies based at the University of Edinburgh ,announced the ambitious plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

Roslin Institute famous for cloning Dolly the sheep claimed the project would be a roaring international success story. According to the institutes chief egghead Prof. Donald McKillop

"The demand for Salmond on the International market has risen exponentially over the last 2 years and in order to keep up with that demand we have to farm Salmond intensively."

There seems to be no doubt Salmond is a highly popular dish both here and abroad due to its good taste and resilience to adverse conditions. However The Institute came under heavy criticism from government bodies and the press alike when an earlier attempt to popularise Salmond resulted in impotency in the subject, and Salmond completely disappeared from the menu for years. Prof. McKillop conceded. "That was indeed a setback but despite the criticism we got it right this time. Salmond is very definitely here to stay.

Others are not so convinced. A spokesman for the Brown Party said

" We oppose the intensive farming of Salmond, we acknowledge that it is a popular creature and cant help admire its vitality, demonstrated by it's exuberant leaps and huge splashes. But it is also expensive and pretentious and we believe the novelty will soon wear off. You just can't go tinkering around playing God."

Despite the nay saying the popularity of wild Salmond continues to rise and Roslin claims it has the answer. " In A few years a Salmond will be at every table round the world" said the Professor, peering over the top of his glasses in a superior fashion. "You can't hold back scientific progress forever.

Despite the seeming success a similar project with the Sturgeon has been shelved indefinitely.

Credit Crunch Hits Street Vendors

Argyle St. was in uproar yesterday at the dismal news that Big Macaroon bars and the famed "last of the White Socks" would no longer be two for a pound now.

" It's a scandal" spat Mrs Ina McTights(21)struggling to contain her rage, "I'm a pensioner and have very few pleasures in life now that I can't afford batteries. If I cant even afford the odd big bar of Macaroon then whats the point? I would gas maself if I could afford the bill."

A disappointed Archie McFail(43) also vented his spleen. " I have to tuck my trackie bottoms into a pair of old fishing socks these days. They are green. It just looks daft. Thatcher has a lot to answer for."

Many vendors were reluctant to comment yesterday, but one Shugie Weasel agreed to speak to us.

" Look" said Mr. Weasel glancing furtively about. " I don't like it anymore than anyone else. I used to be able to shout 'two for a pound', now its two for £1.13 it just disnae work. It's events ma man. The price of breaking and entering these days is literally through the roof, an ye just cannae bribe truck drivers wi a couple of packets of fags anymare. Talkin aboot fags, are ye interested in 200 Marlboro lights?"

This is the first price rise in 30 years in the renowned Glasgow thoroughfare. A few people however actually welcomed the news.

"Thank Christ" said Frankie Douglas(40), an electrician from Partick. "Maybe they will all piss off. I mean how many pairs of socks can someone go through, an was there ever any real requirement for Big Macaroon bars?"

Number 10 downing street issued the following statement today.

" The Prime Minister and the New Labour government deplore this opportunistic rise in the price of street goods. Especially Big Macaroon bars that the PM was very fond of as he was always losing the wee ones down the back of the couch. This is the very kind of issue that Gordon Brown is committed to tackling, and indeed would if he could find his arse with both hands. We now call upon the press to leave us alone. It's not our fault."

Neither the public nor the vendors will take any comfort in that.