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| One of the many "cases" of Shitty Scants discovered in Wishaw yesterday |
From our Health Correspondent: Dr. Charles Mingin'
The Scottish Government are set to introduce new harsher control measures after deaths with shitty scants rose to 100,000 this year.
In Wishaw alone yesterday over 100 new cases of Shitey scants emerged as testing increased.
"This is Arsemageddon!" Exclaimed serial gobshite Nicola Sturgeon to a packed room of assembled credulous media fuckwits at Holyrood earlier today. She chuntered on.. "When oh when will the public realise the very real and present danger this skiddy pants epidemic presents? Accordingly I will be announcing stricter new restrictions later today and by fuck you cunts better dae as yer telt otherwise al set Humza oan yeez. Understood?"
The announcement comes as Scant deaths spiral upwards and cases of Skidmarks continue to rise despite the previous measures imposed. The harsh new rules include
- Making the wearing of your scants on the outside of yer troosers compulsory so as the polis can check them.
- Closing down of all curry houses and a ban on sales of ready meals containing curry dishes from supermarkets. Guinness and Buckfast tonic wine have been on a growing list of beverages, including coffee, to be banned.
- Scary films have been blocked on Amazon and Netflix as opposed to previously only on the cooncil telly.
- A ban on g-strings and thongs which seem to be the main cause of deaths with shite stains.
- Travel bans to India. Pakistan, Most of Asia and Africa, Venezuela and of course...Wales.
- Schoolchildren to be stopped from giving each other wedgies in the playground as teachers are becoming feart which in turn is increasing the number of cases.
However, Mail on Sunday Jeremiah Peter Hitchens tore into the new rules.
"Look, there is really no reason to believe that just because a middle aged man pulled from a canal is wearing a pair of soiled under garments, that's what he died OF. Dying WITH honking shreddies is not the same as dying OF them. Correlation is not necessarily causality. How many sodding times do I have to say that?" He thundered before launching into yet another one on Grammar schools.
Respected Epidemiologist with qualifications falling out her arse, and co-author of The Great Shartingon Declaration, Prof. Sunetra Gupta added...
"It's not really my field of expertise this one, but I have to agree with what that beardy bloke from the Daily Mail just said. It's a well known fact that when you pop your clogs you obviously lose control of your farting strings and keech your breeks. That's probably what's making the daft cunts at SAGE and that put two and two together and make five for fuck's sakes. Another thing, how can you check for skids on exterior underwear?"
But fat hypocritical Etonian, fake headline peddling, Bullingdon Club twat Piers Morgan countered ..
"These Skidiots should be made visit a morgue and have the victim's shitty undies rubbed in their selfish faces. Then they should have to stand there and try to tell the grieving families their loved ones weren't killed by a skitter. This thing is real and it's a killer. As sure as there's a basement in the Daily Mail building."
Nicola Sturgeon's announcement has been turned into a faintly amusing anal smoke blowing exercise on Youtube by Janey Godley for anyone sad enough to care.
