Operation Yew Tree Arrests Test Card Clown

Days of  Innocence: In retrospect,. Are we surprised?

In a staggering new development, police under the aegis of operation Yew Tree have arrested Bubbles the test card clown off of the 70's. 

The 65 year old farceur was arrested at his home in a charity shop window in Staines Surrey by plain clothes officers. Police gave no more information other than a mannequin  in his sixties had been detained in connection with allegations of sexual offences carried out at the BBC between 1967 and 1984.

Friends and family alike are said to be absolutely shocked. "I'm absolutely shocked." Said Carole Hersee his co star in the popular transmissions. "He was always so quiet, but then again it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Of course you also have to watch the not so quiet ones like Stuart Hall I suppose. Dear oh dear." She continued placing her hand over her mouth.

Others however have always had their suspicions. "I always had my suspicions! Snapped B-list celebrity arsehole and slapper Kerry Katona. "I remember me and the girls were at the BBC doing a rehearsal for TOTP and Bubbles was being carried past us in a box. We were doing a raunchy routine, jiggling our tits and showing our arses and knickers while making pelvic thrusts and sucking our fingers. Completely necessary to convey the message of 'The Tide is High'. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Bubbles looking at us in a pervy way. Disgusting."

Fellow TV star Zippy from Rainbow spoke up in defence of the clown yesterday. "This is absurd. It was the 70's for fucksakes. It was well understood that if you were a tasty bird of whatever dubious age and you set foot anywhere near a TV star, producer, or Radio DJ you were up for it. These tarts knew the score. Gold diggers the lot of them. I groped Jane's arse loads of times and she didn't mind. Of course it wouldn't have mattered if she did, we would have just sacked her. Everyone knew she was shagging Bungle anyway. Slut!"

Bubbles was unavailable for comment today as he was in custody, and a fucking puppet.

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."

It's a Knockout Death Penalty Re-instated

The government has today has given in to mounting pressure to impose stricter penalties on the increasing number of 1970's Radio and TV personalities being implicated in sex scandals.

Home Secretary Teresa May speaking to The Satire this morning said the government had now moved swiftly to bring in strong additional deterent measures. And from midnight tonight the 'It's a Knockout ' Death Penalty will be imposed on any and all 1970's Radio and TV personalities found guilty of appearing in the tabloids or on Twitter accused of any sort of sex act.

Mrs May told The Satire,"We're not waiting anymore until they've been found 'Guilty' by a 'Court of Law' using 'Fair and Judicial Practice in Accordance with Centuries of Legal Precedent and Magna Carta' or any of that poncy euro-bollocks!"

"As soon as they're accused, it's straight to the prison cells and summary execution the very next morning. It's the only way to deal with these sort of vile beasts in a United Kingdom known throughout the World to be the Very Beating Heart of Democracy."

"And this is the only civilised way to protect that democracy and the subjugates, I mean subjects ... sorry 'people' who serve her, I mean live here, I mean, you know, what are they called ... the punters. Yes, we've really thought this one through and it's the best and fairest policy for all."

Further details of the new law were announced this morning. The perpetrator will be be released from the prison onto a piece of waste ground in Belgium dressed in a giant penguin costume and carrying two pails of water. They will then have to navigate a series of hilarious obstacles such as a giant inflatable water-slide filled with soapy bubbles, and inflatable tunnels & bouncy castles. Once they reach the end of the course any remaining water left in their pails will be measured by Eddie Waring and donated to charity.

They will then be shot through the back of the head by The Prime Minster, David Cameron -  who, to soften the blow (as it were) will be dressed in a Mr Blobby costume.

"We're still deciding on the choice of music to play during the execution," said the Home Secretary. "But it'll have to be something light and fun. After all, when you're shooting someone through the back of the head on a piece of Belgian waste-ground, the whole thing can very easily turn into a bit of a downer ...eh, so I'm told ..."

The Satire believes the choice of music will either be 'Bang Bang' by BA Robertson or, to appease the Belgians, 'Ca Plane Pour Moi' by Plastic Bertrand.

"After all we are, effectively, murdering un-tried British citizens in their cuntry (Please note, Home Secretary's own spelling - ed)  And, technically, without their permission. And as you know Charles, in the modern Tory Party we are all about the compromise."

When asked whether the event will be televised in front of a live audience, the Home Secretary told us, "Don't be preposterous. This is a a matter of serious legal procedure and not something to be taken lightly. We may invite along some DJ's and some lucky local kids - and of course Sky have shown some interest. But it'll all be done in very good taste."