OBITUARY: Reverend Dr Julius Emery

(Above: The Revererend Emery yesterday)

The Satire today bids farewell to our Religious Affairs Correspondent the Extremely Reverend Prof Dr Julius Emery, who passed away peacefully in prayer aboard a rocket hurtling into space at a speed of 12000 miles an hour and reaching an inner-hull temperature in excess of 8000 degrees farenheight.

Unfortunately Dr Emery had been mistakenly informed by his medical advisor (Dr Seamus Beejezus O'Flaherty) that merely stripping down to his swimming trunks and sunhat and dabbing on some Factor 12 would be enough to protect him from the excessive heat during launch. This unfortunately proved not to be the case.

Reverend Emery is remembered by the staff and patients of Broadmoor and by the staff and patients here at the offices of The Satire.

He leaves behind the world's largest collection of antique micrscopes (current valuation £26.4m Euros) and a strange Irishman claiming to be his long-lost half-brother and heir to the Emery estate.

Thankfully the vending machine remains intact and is currently sitting in the foyer of The Satire reception area where it continues to dispense molten snacks and beverages to anyone wearing the requisite asbestos clothing and visor.

Bobo the chimp was seen leaving the capsule by parachute shortly before take-off.

Patrick Moore Latest Victim of Hoax Phone Calls

(Above - Sir Patrick Moore yesterday)

The Astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was yesterday found dead at his home, suspected to be the latest victim of the Australian phone hoax craze that is sweeping the world.

Moore, who was found by his Guatemalan assistant Gunther gruben-Furer Von Bismark early yesterday morning, is thought to have suffered a delayed reaction from the call, which he received in 1973.

'Ve believe ze Fuhrer, I mean, ze Master, I mean Mr Moore, received ze call in ze late afternoon uf ze 17th of August nineteen hoondred OONT seventy tree. It was a wrong number, but I huff reason to believe that ze accent was definitely of an Antipodean bent. Ya Voll."

It is thought that it took almost 40 years for the shock of the call to fully work it's way through Sir Patrick's system.

Mr Moore's GP, Herr Reich Chancellor Heinrich Schlupperhauffer 'Call me Dave' Grupen Machtergreifung, told us,

" Ya, eet ees thought that eet has taken at least 40 of your puny human years for ze shock to hif vorked eets way through Mr Moore's system. Ya Voll. Heil Moore!"

Sir Patrick leaves behind a telescope, xylophone, a complete signed mint-condition 'Hogan's Heroes' boxed set collection and 800 copies of 'Hefty Helga' Naturist magazine (1960-1983)

Mars Rover Tested In Edinburgh

                (Curiosity negotiates Haymarket tram works last year)

From our Science Corespondent Prof. Charles Minglestein

In another Satire exclusive we can reveal that the multi gazillion dollar Mars rover was secretly tested on the roads and streets of Edinburgh to see if it was worth a toss. And almost failed.

According to NASA's top boffin down the pub, Prof. Dwight Donaldson Jr. It was touch and go for a while.

"It was touch and go for a while", he said as he filled in The Sunday Times cryptic crossword and did a Rubik's cube while he formulated a new theory on the daily specials board between Lasagna and Scampi. "Frankly the whole thing nearly went tits up, and we almost ended up with a squillion dollars worth of scrap as the rover tried desperately to turn right at the top of Palmerston Place and narrowly avoided being banjo'd by a taxi. Then as it frantically tried to get to Gorgie Rd it got its wheels stuck in one of those mesh fence things that are fucking everywhere and fell upside down in a trench. Thankfully after 36 hours of terror it managed to right itself and ask a Korean tourist where to find a crossing point. We were all bricking it and I thought I was going to have to tell the President that our high falootin' trip to Mars had all gone for a ball of shite in some English backwater. At least now we know that if it can get from A to B in Edinburgh it will piss all over anything the red planet can throw at it. At a fraction of the cost of a tram apparently"

Prof. Donaldson then shat himself at the price of a pint of Guinness.

                                            

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin

             
                       (She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)

                                   
                             (Madeley)


(Softcock)


Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.

Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.

"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.

They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.

The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male.  He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.

The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."

Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"

Roslin Institute Set To Begin Salmond Farming At Loch Fyne

(Pictured: A Commercial Salmond Pen. And an earlier attempt gone wrong.)

The World Famous Roslin Institute is to begin commercial Salmond farming in Argyle a top Boffin announced yesterday.

The Institute also amusingly known as "The Royal (Dick)School of Veterinary Studies based at the University of Edinburgh ,announced the ambitious plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

Roslin Institute famous for cloning Dolly the sheep claimed the project would be a roaring international success story. According to the institutes chief egghead Prof. Donald McKillop

"The demand for Salmond on the International market has risen exponentially over the last 2 years and in order to keep up with that demand we have to farm Salmond intensively."

There seems to be no doubt Salmond is a highly popular dish both here and abroad due to its good taste and resilience to adverse conditions. However The Institute came under heavy criticism from government bodies and the press alike when an earlier attempt to popularise Salmond resulted in impotency in the subject, and Salmond completely disappeared from the menu for years. Prof. McKillop conceded. "That was indeed a setback but despite the criticism we got it right this time. Salmond is very definitely here to stay.

Others are not so convinced. A spokesman for the Brown Party said

" We oppose the intensive farming of Salmond, we acknowledge that it is a popular creature and cant help admire its vitality, demonstrated by it's exuberant leaps and huge splashes. But it is also expensive and pretentious and we believe the novelty will soon wear off. You just can't go tinkering around playing God."

Despite the nay saying the popularity of wild Salmond continues to rise and Roslin claims it has the answer. " In A few years a Salmond will be at every table round the world" said the Professor, peering over the top of his glasses in a superior fashion. "You can't hold back scientific progress forever.

Despite the seeming success a similar project with the Sturgeon has been shelved indefinitely.