Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.

Unemployment to Rocket Among Experts If Scotland Leaves UK Claim Experts

Some experts looking gravely concerned earlier

Thousands of experts will find themselves on the unemployment scrapheap, and forced to go door to door voicing their opinions if Alex Salmond breaks up the UK according to some experts yesterday.

"It could really be the worst case scenario you could possibly imagine." Said one expert over the phone earlier today.  Professor David Donaldson of Napier University continued gravely.

 "You may end up with a multitude of experts walking the streets accosting passers by, begging for spare moments of their time, to expound to them their latest thoughts on the economy, climate change, gender issues, and other subjects that most people will find tedious and ill thought through. Or then again they might not. It's a tough one to call. What are you asking me for? I'm in charge of the Creative Writing course."

Another expert, Francis Douglas PhD of SCAPEGOAT (Society for the Concern And Protection of Experts Going On About Things) outlined the potential seriousness of the situation.

"Allow me to outline the potential seriousness of the situation." He said pointing at a pie chart and some graphs. "At the moment experts are being consulted on a daily basis, sometimes up to six times, about what a pile of shite an Independent Scotland will be, or not, depending on who's asking. Our projections show that after Independence this kind of consultation will drop off to almost nothing. Disastrous. Probably. But don't quote me on that." He concluded feeding all his charts through a shredder.

The Satire caught up with some experts, who'd previously confidently claimed Gordon Brown to be an economic genius of a man who would romp to victory at the last general election.

 Prof John Turner of the British Antarctic Survey, currently trapped in sea ice he said shouldn't have been there, aboard the Akademik Shokalskiy, told us via a crackly line.

"Listen, smart cunts. I only said that about Gordon Brown down my local pub, ok. Yes yes everyone thinks it's easy being an expert. All they think we have to do is pull some stats out our arse, mumble some vague academic shite and use a lot of modals like could, might, probably, possibly. Fling in the odd phrase about 'studies suggest', and Robert's yer dads brother. Well it's a lot more difficult than that, I can tell you to my fucking chagrin mate."

Simple Salmond Says!

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable,  smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.

Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:

Dear Alex,

Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?

Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?

Q: Dear Mr Salmond,

My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow

Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal. 

Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,

Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you?  J Paxman. Oxon

Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!

Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit.  Fife

Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.

Q: Dear Mr. S,

My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions?  Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh

Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.

Q: Alex Salmond,

Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark.  Glasgow

Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.

How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something. 

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner. 

Alex Salmond Accidentally Buys £20m Conservatory for Parliament

(Above left: An easily sourced picture of Alex Salmond looking like a smug cunt. Right: A drawing of a conservatory which looks absolutely nothing like the one the daft twat ordered)

Senior Ministers were black-affronted yesterday after Alex Salmond ordered a £20m conservatory extension for the back of the Scottish Parliament - after a double-glazing sales call was mistakenly put straight through to his office.

Aides immediately attempted to play down the incident commenting that Mr Salmond always prides himself on being available to his 'much-loved Scottish public' and was so swept along by the sales technique that he agreed to the £20m extension on the spot.

Sources close to the First Minister were quick to dismiss allegations that this throws doubt on his decision-making abilities and makes him look like a gullible twat.

This comes hot on the heels of last week's revelation that he recently paid a gang of drunk gypsies £200m to tarmac The Royal Mile.