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                                  Fourth Reich Promotions
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                David Irving
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See David perform a selection of his greatest hits live including old favourites such as...

            "Holocaust? What Holocaust?"

                   "6 Million Mein Arsch"

         " Hitler, Goering, and Himmler were all at   a stag do in Ibiza at the time"                                             

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          "Ok, there might have been a few accidents at Auschwitz."

                              "Geez a Job"

...........and the very touching.. 

              "any chance of a tenner gov?"

                   
         Glasgow  19th December








                                           
                                     

                      

Satirical Genius "F#*ked for Ideas"

Just look at him....... Fucking devoid

Satire Editor in Chief and self proclaimed satirical wunderkind Tom Laird, confessed privately to "Not having the foggiest scooby" about what his next article was going to be about.

The 47 year old dead beat told himself in the mirror, after waking up from a four day drinking binge that would have shamed Oliver Reid, "Laird you are fucking dead loss and a waste of rations."

He proceeded to gibber on..

"Look ya beardy fuckwit. It's nearly 2015 and your contribution to the world of on line humour is a grand total of four, yeah that's right, you heard, FOUR poxy articles. Hardly P.J O'Rourke or Richard Ingrams are you ya dick?"

Punching himself in the face several times he then slavered..

"Yeah I know all about your 'ideas'. We've all got ideas. How about getting them off of bits of bus ticket, post it notes, beer mats and sweety papers and actually onto your blog ya knob? LOOK!! look at this. 'David Cameron to Introduce Duck Insurance' I mean WTF!? Or this here.. 'Ian Paisley to Give Up Bellowing For Lent' .By fuck has that bus left. The man's deid two years for fucksakes. Sort yourself out."

Emerging haggard, bruised and gaunt from the 46 minute berating Mr. Laird announced..

"I can exclusively reveal that my genius will return shortly. There's a new hilarious article formulating as I speak. Fuck knows what it's going to be about. Probably feminism again. That's easy."

All Mr. Lairds fan (27) was unimpressed

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2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression

of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.

Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."

All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.

In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.

In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.

And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.

"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."

Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.

"Jesus Was Scottish". Claims Half Arsed Theologian

(Left: Dr. Beckford in the Gorbals)

                                 (Right: Our 'Artist's' Impression of Jesus at the Last Supper)

Jesus came from The Gorbals. That's the official verdict of a contraversial Anglo/Carribean theologian in his new book and TV special "The Gorbals According To Christ".

Dr. Robert Beckford who spent hours researching the theory that he now claims to be conclusive told The Satire " There can be absolutely no doubt now that the Gospels were probably wrong and that our Lord and saviour was in fact maybe a soapdodger. All the circumstantial evidence tends to suggest that he could have been a Wegie and that he was most definitely possibly born in The Gorbals. This will rock traditional Christianity to it's foundations.

Dr. Beckford gained his PhD in Creative Theology at the University of Birmingham. He is no stranger to contention, previously bringing the edifice of Orthodox Christianity crashing to the ground six times with his previous theories that included:

• Jesus: The Unmistakable Iraqi Origins
• Christ: I'm a Deity get me out of here(The Undeniable Early Jamaican Years)
• Jesus the Muslim
• Goodness Gracious Me- ssiah: How our Lord ended up in India.
• Christ of the Antarctic
• The Jesus Myth: How the Aboriginals Invented Catholicism
  

"This only goes to show that Dr. Beckford can't seem to decide what he believes or why." Claimed the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone from Glastonbury where he was being initiated into the Golden Dawn society. "However what's important here is not to get caught up in a lot of doctrinal doggy doo about Jesus's nationality and to concentrate on the central Christian message of keeping me in a job."

The Dreadlocked academic hit back at his detractors with what he claimed was irrefutable evidence for his thesis. "I met a guy in a pub in the Calton and he swore it was true. If that wasn't enough, we have the documented Gospels of Partick Prophet William Of Connolly, written around 1976 CE. In which he describes in detail and with great humour the true story of Jesus. To this day in Glasgow, names like Mary, Joseph, Paul, John, Peter and Shug are very common. There is even a distinctly Middle Eastern looking temple in the middle of the Gorbals to this day.Explain that one. How any one can claim that a bunch of stories sometimes written up to 20 years after the events can be relied upon, I just don't know.

Neither Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens would comment as they weren't giving a fuck.

Simple Salmond Says!

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable,  smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.

Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:

Dear Alex,

Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?

Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?

Q: Dear Mr Salmond,

My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow

Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal. 

Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,

Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you?  J Paxman. Oxon

Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!

Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit.  Fife

Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.

Q: Dear Mr. S,

My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions?  Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh

Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.

Q: Alex Salmond,

Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark.  Glasgow

Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.

How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something. 

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner. 

Byff Byford Embroiled In Hip-Hop Outrage Confusion

(Left: Byford  fakes a heart attack

to avoid Fans's fury)

               (Above: Furious Saxon Fans)

Aged rockers Saxon were in hiding yesterday, after a furore erupted over the rumour they were "selling out", and going to do Hip-Hop. The Satire can exclusively reveal.

Heavily Mentalist Byff Byford(73), the lead singer of the band that were once at the forefront of the so called New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, was forced to cancel a gig and go into hiding when fans stormed the stage at The Tumbledown Dick pub in Farnborough Hants. The band were half way through a nationwide tour that takes in Aldershot, Frimley Green, Bagshot, Farnham and culminating In an open air festival in Barnsley where they were to support Dumpy's Rusty Nuts. All that seems in jepardy now. 

Speaking through the letterbox of The Restwood Lodge  B&B , 76 Woodham Rd Woking ,Mr Byford told The Satire. " Fook off yer Jock Bastards, before yer give the game away." Later our reporter managed to contact Saxon's Tour Manager Doreen Crowley(53, no relation.) who told us. "There seems to have been the most terrible misunderstanding, in a recent press release we revealed that the band were indeed "selling out" all the venues on their current European tour and that Byff would be going in for a long awaited "hip opp" at Royal Hallamshire Hospital Sheffield when the tour was over. We just hope the fans will realise their mistake and calm the fuck down." 

There was some good news for the band this morning when it was reported by our source in the USA that a mediation team lead by Dave Ling and Geoff Barton managed to rescind a Fatwa issued by Eric Adams of Man O' War that called for the Barnsley Boys to be "beaten to death with rolled up copies of Classic Rock and thrown into the river Styx(sic)" . Also in a serendipitous tragedy Steve"Ponce"Dawson was set upon by a gang of Gumby jacketed thugs and beaten unconscious with his own base.

Byff Byford will be joined in hospital by Mr Dawson and David Coverdale whos colon is giving him awful gip.

Dictator Urged To Step Down By African Union

From our Africa Corespondent Chaka Mingeleles

After an historic meeting held in Addis Ababa yesterday the Pan African Parliament called on Gordon McGrabby to relinquish power  and ease the suffering of his impoverished people.

Unelected McGrabby(57) has stubbornly held office in Zinabadway since June 2007 where he has been responsible for the worst economic situation in the country's history. Unemployment is soaring,  food prices are rocketing and McGrabby's government are having to raise tax and borrow £500,000,000 per day to bail out the corrupt financial institutions.

Human rights watchdogs have also been concerned about the tyrant's abuse of power in respect of the opposition. Recently anti-terrorist police, under orders from his feared Home secretary, raided the offices of an opposition MP and arrested him on charges of not being in the Labour party.

Speaking from the podium in front of over 200 representatives of African nations Gertrude Mongella, President of the A.U, made this appeal to Mr. McGrabby  yesterday.

"Once you were hailed as the saviour of your people. Ready to lead them into a new Jerusalem of peace, prosperity, over inflated property prices and crazy borrowing. But now that it is clear that you do not know your arse from your elbow. Do the decent thing and give a free and fair election to your people.

She then called for McGrabby to lend them some cash. 

Obama Change Train Derailed

( Barack Obama: Attempting to levitate the whole of America out of the shit)

From Our Washington corespondent Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's Train of change crashed to a spectacular halt yesterday, as millions of ordinary hard working Americans awoke to the realisation that it was going to be the same old shit with a different boss.

Disgruntled former Obama campaigner Mike Delaney(35) a Stevedore from Philadelphia woke up this morning and found to his disappointment that he still had bills to pay.

" I mean is this the shit what I busted my ass to get Barack elected for for christsakes?" He promised us change. He is just another lying politician. Apparently I will still got to pay my bills after he gets sworn in. What bullshit is this?" Asked Delaney angrily from his clearly dilapidated house. "And my wife is STILL a fat bitch!" He added ruefully.

Mr. Delaney is sadly typical of many disaffected voters all over America. According to a CNN poll carried out last night:

• A staggering 78% of the population still felt that their life was shit.
• An Incredible 69% claimed their kids still hated them.
• A whopping 94% said their neighbors were assholes.
• 60% were shocked to realise Obama was black.
• 75% felt betrayed that the second coming of christ didn't happen.
• 63% agreed with Delaney that their wives were still fat bitches.
• 49% said Obama should fry for what he did on 9-11.

This news puts somewhat of a damper on Obama's sweeping victory in the recent election.

"We at least thought the euphoria would last till after he was sworn in."

Said Obama spokesman Dwight D. Donaldson (48). Asked about Republican calls for The President Elect to prove his nationality Mr Donaldson coughed and said "We are responding to that question as quickly as we can. There seems to be a problem finding Barack's passport. It appears the dog may have eaten it.

Former Republican presidential nominee John McCain commented in reply. "Has anyone seen my glasses? I'm sure I had them. "His wife pointed out they were on top of his head then directed him back to bed.

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

                     (Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.

D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.

1. That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
2. That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.
   

Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.

" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.

Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:

• £150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
• £50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
• £55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
• £35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell

This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.

" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."

Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.

Ghost Walks To Be 33% Scarier By 2010

                                                                     (Right:  An obvious hoax)

In a shock new directive from an unelected and unaccountable twat in Brussels yesterday. Ghost tours in Edinburgh must have people shitting themselves in the next two years.

E.U Commissioner Guy Pierre Van Hoinkydoink(50) made the announcement to the European Parliament's Committee de Merde Triviale of which he is Chairman. Speaking through a translator because he gets a huge budget and tax breaks for using one, and he wouldn't lower himself to speak English anyway. He told The Satire's Europe correspondent Carlos Minglez that a complete shake up was on the cards. "On the cards there eez a shake up complete. The tourists must know that when they pay good Euros to get a fright then that is exactly what they will get. They must be, how you say...bricking it?"

Under the new rules outlined by the Commissioner, Edinburgh City Council will have to start coming up with some real ghosts pretty sharpish or be forced to redefine Ghost tours as "Unemployed Actor Tours." 

In view of this Edinburgh council have enlisted the help of camp scouse fuckwit Derek Acorah(90),the former star of Undead TV's Most Haunted series. "We hope Derek can help us prove the existence of all our popular ghosts and presumably track down a few more." Said Davina Donaldson(51) a council spokesperson on the matter. "No one can walk around this city after midnight and not claim it's haunted. There are some real horrors." She continued trying to sound like Bela Lugosi but looking and sounding more like Bella Emberg.

Edinburgh is renowned for its paranormal activity. The Old Town alone is said to be home to more than 3,000 ghosts. One of the more famous is supposedly the ghost of Margaret Campbell aka 'half droonded, thrice rin oer wi a lawnmower Mags' due to the method of her bizarre suicide in 1803. Her insane high pitched cackles are said to ring through the streets of the old town at 03:30 in the morning despite nobody being there other than the odd crowd of Leeds girls on a hen night. Whatever the temptation, never venture lightly into the area surrounding Calton Hill after the witching hour. For there among the bushes and trees can be heard the ghostly moans and groans of Wee Willie Lightbody. Who met his death there in 1989 when he choked on an extra large condom. Tread not with impunity around Polwarth at any time of day. For among the dreary back streets and alleyways stalks the Hairy Hound O' Gorgie hunting for it's next hapless victim. Some say it's the ghost of an enormous hunting hound seeking vengeance for the murder of it's master Tam 'welcher' McGee. Others say that it's real flesh and blood and point to the enormous amount of dog shite strewn around the pavements of Polwarth as proof of it's existence. Some say it's a load of bollocks. Who's to say who is right.

Despite the engagement and efforts of Mr. Acorah. Documentary proof of spooky goings on in Edinburgh has remained elusive. He was however undeterred in his mission. " Ghosts are very real I'm tellin yer like" He told us unconvincingly.

It's rumoured that if Mr. Acorah fails to prove the existence of any ghosts, Yvette Fielding will be drafted in. That's enough to scare the shite out of anyone. 

Madonna Set to Adopt Guy Ritchie

In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she will first divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.

It is thought that as part of the settlement Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, only speak when spoken to and will have to ask permission before being excused from the dinner table. Most importantly though, he will have to get Madonna’s written permission before making any more of his really fucking shitty movies.

If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money - and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.

Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake, cor blimey so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.

When our reporter cornered Madonna outside her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.

*I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ - ed.