(Above: JF fellates the pump in a vain attempt to solicit a tip from a gay millionaire )The Revelation that a popular New Town Bar is to start selling affordable booze has caused outrage among at least six people.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.
The Satire put the Majors point of view to a gentleman behind the bar who appeared to have just completed a triathlon wearing a shirt, tie and apron. Identifying himself only as "Jeff" and speaking for some bizarre reason in a comedy Allo Allo accent he told us .."Mon Dieu! Zut Alors! Fucksakes even! Eef zey don't like eet zey can fuck off. In fact what's eet to you? You can fuck off as well and take zees fucking Poodle with you. I have been tripping over the bastard all day."
Scottish Justice Minister, Commie killjoy and puritanical arsehole Kenny MacAskill was similarly upset. Speaking from his mansion and glugging Chateau Lafite 1787 he slurred. "We just can't have thish kind of behaviour. Before you know it we'd be letting dangerous terrorists out the jail."
Some found themselves disagreeing with the Major. German dissident, Big Yin/ Sammy Hagar Impersonator and regular drinker, Graf Olaf Von Furniss for example. Standing on the head of a Pekingese he ventured. "I disagree with that cunt yeah. I think it's a top Idea. Not only can I wash down an unfeasible amount of nuts with an affordable pint, but Glenrothes Whiskey is blindingly cheap to. Can I just add that Scotmid are total arseholes". Asked about what his Grandfather did during the war he coughed and claimed he'd been "on urlaub in Ibiza" at the time. Then made a sharp exit.
The news is a welcome breath of fresh air for this online Editor. I normally would have to save up my giros for weeks to have a drink in Kay's. Now I can mix with the upper crust boldly. After all if it wasn't for cunts like them. Cunts like me wouldn't have any houses to burgle. So here's to them."
Last word on the matter goes to the hitherto bellicose Major. "Well it's a sign of the times." He sighed philosophically. "I suppose you need somewhere to keep the riffraff out of The Canny Man's."
Graf Olaf Von Furniss is 103 apparently. (Hilarious.....isn't it.)
