Sweden To Be Renamed "Softkogland"

Conan joins in The Satire campaign

The flaccid member

Thanks to a long running campaign by your super soar away on line news source The Satire, the country once known to us all as Sweden will from henceforth be renamed  Softkogland.

There were jubilant scenes in Stockholm yesterday when the news was announced. 

"We are so very happy with this knew name that better reflects our country and our ethos." Said 41 year old Tilde Bolrapp Chairperson of a local women's group Splittkipper.

Sweden, that joined the EU in 1995, is known as "The Flaccid Member" due to to the country's geographical resemblance to a limp penis and the extremely high number of emasculated men found within it's population.

Moves are under way to outlaw penises completely in Sweden but until that time the only penises allowed are soft ones. The castration operation began with the removal of the Swedish army's Nordic Battlegroup's heraldic lion's rampant appendage.

"Female soldiers were extremely offended by this. You just can't be allowed to go around with a penis whenever you feel like it.Even if you are a drawing on a coat of arms." Explained 49 year old Signe Saggertits Minister for the eradication of masculinity.

Sweden has a proud History. In ancient times gangs of Swedish males would travel round  the rest of Europe on exchange visits. The visits would culminate in good natured pillage and murder and the kidnapping of all the good looking women. In exchange the "Vikings" as they were affectionately known would take a shite on the altars of churches then laughingly burn the whole edifice to the ground.

During WW2 Sweden bravely remained neutral, merely allowing the Germans to avail themselves of their road and rail network to invade their neighbour Norway. They further frustrated the Nazis by limiting the amount of iron ore they exported to the Reich to a paltry 10,000,000 tons a year. They also proudly boast an arms industry with ethics that make the Monsanto corporation seem like a charitable organisation, and a flat packed furniture export industry that's the bane of many a DIY challenged husband the world over.

Despite this, Sweden, that forces men to sit down to pee, leads the world in self righteous indignation, finger wagging  and 'right on' sensibilities.

"The present renaming of our country is only a temporary measure until we can come up with a much more accurate and deserving one. Like Vajland." Shrugged 55 year old Minister for women and Cockfinder General, Astrid Kogstander.

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The Cock Out Challenge 2014

What hundreds of blokes getting their cocks out may look like 

Satireday (see what we did there.) 7th of June 2014 sees a brand new event in The Satire, Edinburgh and alpha fuckwit diary, as we at your favourite online news source challenge you all to quite literally "get yer cocks out", in the charming dog shit strewn locale of Inverleith Park.

Approaching 40? Wife and kids leaving you? Need some validation in your middle aged crisis looming life?

Then look no further than The Satire's own Cock Out Challenge especially designed for YOU the busy executive/ teacher/ unemployed layabout of Edinburgh and beyond.

Gone...The 15 mile assault course. Missing...the gruelling 125 obstacles including pits of tar, fire, razor wire 12 ft walls and rancid piss filled ditches.  Completely absent..... the misguided need to do anything strenuous, dangerous or heroic whatsoever.

A brief 5 meter dash( more a saunter actually) from our start line at Inverleith duck pond, you will be halted by our mildly obstructive 200 meter long, 1 meter wide row of wallpaper pasting tables, where you will be encouraged to Get your Cock out. Our team of officials will measure it, and the biggest cock will be the biggest man. That's it! And of course all in a good cause.

Just listen to what Satire Editor in Chief Tom Laird(46) has to say about why he's getting his cock out this year.....

"As usual I'm trying to endear myself to a barmaid half my age in a local pub. Even though she's probably seen more helmets than Hitler, I think I'm in love. Normally I go Mountaineering, running with the bulls in Pamplona , or living among the Masai in their pest infested bomas. Fuck that! This year I'm just getting my cock out and that's that. All the money will go to cancer of the bawbag or somethin'  so what are you waiting for?"

Another bald bloke says: "Last year I went and done the Tough guy challenge and it nearly fucking wasted me. Frankly I can't be arseholed with all that running about getting tired and wet pish. I'm getting my cock out and being done with it. It's all for cunts with Alzheimer's apparently so have a go."

Jools Holland : "Unlike the slapheads above, my boogey woogey piano playing alone would be enough to get my cock sucked at the drop of a hat. But I need some reassurance. I bought myself a Harley Davidson a couple of years back but that one's old hat. I don't really fancy traipsing about a freezing cold mud drenched bog in my shorts, so I'm just getting my cock out. It will help the darkies so join in.

So there you have it. Don't say the cock out challenge is not for you. It's for every man* who needs to feel that he can still get a shag. Fill in our entry form today and join us on the 7th of June in Inverlieth park for cock fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------    tear off and return to The Satire offices

Dear The Satire!

I am a man with incredible insecurity  issues. Please enrol me in your big alpha male fuckwit fest this year.

I enclose the sum of £30.00. Which I understand includes my enrolment fee, and a T-Shirt bearing the legend "COC 2014 - I got my cock out in Inverleith and didn't get arrested."**

I also understand that any money that may be left over will go to bongo bongo land, sick bairns, tit cancer, cripples or some fucking thing like that.

I furthermore understand that this might all go horribly wrong for me and may spend the rest of my life as an object of ridicule. Possibly having to move to some godforsaken part of the planet and live in a cave. I absolve The Satire and all it's associates of all liability.

Signed -----------------------------------------

*Disclaimer.  While we invite applications from females we must advise you that you may be at somewhat of a disadvantage at the measuring.

**Police Scotland advise that getting your cock out in Inverleith Park at any other time may result in arrest. Especially under heterosexual circumstances.

Vladimir Putin Finally Cuts to the Chase and Gets His Cock out

(Photo of "Putin's Penis" released by his PR man.  Above: Putin indulging in various vicarious Cock Out pursuits)




Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister and savior has finally stopped arsing around with a load of macho posturing and got his cock out, once and for all proving beyond doubt what a big man he is.

That is according to a photo released by his PR Agency yesterday. The move comes amid calls from millions of bored Russians, sick to their tits of his macho antics, to just get it out and be done with it.

"I'm sick to my strategic tits of his macho antics." Groaned former world chess champion an political hopeful Gary Kasparov. "What bloody difference does it make to how well he can run the country? All that chest beating eh? What I want to know is why he won't play me at chess. Come on then. Let's have you Vlad. If you think you are hard enough. Let's see your moves. Ok, what about Draughts? Connect Four? Fuck it let's see who can pee the highest up the wall". He then made chicken noises and walked away doing a Norman Collier impression.

Mr. Putin is not the first Russian leader to demonstrate a direct link between cock and power. Ivan IV "The Terrible" would dispatch his dreaded Oprichniki to ride the length and breadth of the land waving a black banner bearing a "likeness" of Ivan's massive member at the peasants and nobles alike.

Potemkin would oft times sweep imperiously through the court of Catherine the Great, his cock trailing majestically and nonchalantly along the floor behind him. Sometimes with an enraptured Catherine still clinging to it. Much to the chagrin and consternation of her assembled nobility and clergy.

Stalin the "Georgian Ogre" was famed for his monster dong,due in no small measure to his own propaganda. On his death his penis was cut off and mummified for posterity and measured 11 inches long. New evidence suggests that his real phallus was taken to a secret location in a wood outside Ekaterinburg and cremated in a sardine tin of vodka, then replaced by Rasputin's.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment as he was wrestling a crocodile, naked, in a wolf pen watched by a group of Siberian schoolgirls.