Santa Claus Branded Paedo by Police

Police raided the North Pole home of rotund Winter Festival celebrity Father Christmas this morning and seized his computer, toys and around 40 tonnes of children's letters.

"We've been aware of Mr Claus' suspicious behaviour for a while now and decided to act before it was too late," said Chief Inspector Alastair Witchunt from The North Pole Constabulary.

"From encouraging kids to send him letters - 'Saville-style', to turning up unannounced in children's bedrooms in the dead of night and most damning of all, deciding who gets a reward based on whether they've been a 'good little boy or girl' - using his own ambiguous and unexamined criteria, of course. It's textbook grooming behaviour."

Defending Mr Claus, Head Elf Sebastian T Laird told us," This really is taking the f**king piss. What the F**K do they think they're playing at, the daft c**ts?! The power has gone to their f**king heads. This is our busiest time of year as well. Stupid c**ts. Well, f**k them, f**k them all. No presents for them this year. They're getting sweet f**k all!"

Police estimate that Claus' behaviour could date back centuries, making even the late Jimmy Saville look like a rank amateur in the paedophile stakes.

"No one Wants to Look at Me Anymore" Complains Old Saggy Pair of Tits

                                  Angela Rippon last night

A Previously young attractive and pert pair of tits has been having a right old moan about not being desirable anymore.

" I remember years ago when I was young and jiggly, people wanted to see me on the telly reading the news and that. I was so popular that they fired perfectly competent and adequate middle aged, middle class men in suits just to get me on. Now I'm old and saggy and a bit past it, all they want to do is replace me with a younger better looking pair of tits. It's a scandal and a disgrace!" Whined the wrinkly pair of old funbags that never used to give a fuck about ageism when she was young and jiggly.

"To add Insult to injury they don't even pay me as much as the younger firmer pairs of tits. I get a pittance to present third rate daytime TV property porn, and stair lift, SAGA holiday and pet insurance adverts. I would tell them to ram it up their arses if I wasn't desperate to keep my mug on camera at all costs."

"They say that no one is interested in looking at an old flabby pair of doodahs tucked into support tights. Well I simply don't get it. Because they used to."

Gloria Hunniford is 93.

Spanish Plot Exposed!!

The Myth...Latin beauty The harsh reality......harridan













A Spanish conspiracy to Export all of their unattractive and unpleasant women to Scotland was sensationally uncovered by an amateur investigator in Edinburgh recently.

Tom Laird a sometime contributor to The Satire gave us this exclusive report yesterday. Speaking from an undisclosed location and heavily disguised as a drunken deadbeat Tom unfolded the results of his painstaking 3 year investigation into the shocking truth of Spain's spiteful covert war. " I have been to Spain, it's a very beautiful country and I know first hand that there are a plethora of gorgeous dark Latin lovelies there. " He said speaking slowly and deliberately, with a hint of regret and anger in his quivering, manly and attractive voice.

"But 3 years ago I started to become suspicious of the amount of sheer munters that seemed to be arriving from there in droves to haunt the highways and byways of our fair city. I thought to myself that there was no way this could be happening by accident. It had to be a conspiracy. I decided to investigate and was horrified by what I uncovered."

According to Laird there is conclusive and irrefutable circumstantial evidence that Spain is not only preventing congenial and good looking women from traveling abroad, but are deliberately encouraging all their specky bucktoothed harridans to move to Scotland.

"Oh it's an established fact" claimed Laird emphatically." There are at least three large government sponsored agencies involved in this outrage. They are based in Madrid, Barcelona and Bilbao. Women who express a desire to travel are rounded up and taken to these processing centers in trucks under the cover of darkness. There, any women who are remotely good natured, funny or sexy are weeded out.

They do this by showing them Nazi type propaganda films on the horrors of traveling abroad where they will be instantly raped and murdered on arrival. Then it gets really sinister. All the ugly and obnoxious ones are then immediately processed. This involves indoctrination in Stalinist neo feminism and issuing them a uniform consisting of a big thick unfashionable pair of specks, a horrible out sized green chunky knit sweater, a pair of manky jeans, and a pair of silly shoes that are very uncomfortable so as to make them even crabbier. Then they fuck about with their hair to make it extremely unkempt and dye it a terrible burgundy colour. Finally they are given money and a false boyfriend. Usually an emasculated beardy prick who likes The Beautiful South. Then they are flown directly to Edinburgh."

Amazingly Laird claims that all Spanish ports and airports are carefully monitored by a shadowy organisation known as La Policia d'espoilers who will prevent any unauthorised woman leaving the country. He is however unsure of Spain's motives.

" I know the what and where but not the why. I assume it could be revenge for the fact we send so many drunken arseholes over there....or it might be about Gibraltar. Who knows ..but you only have to look at that fucking monstrosity of a parliament they built at Holyrood to realise the cunts have definitely got it in for us."

The Spanish Embassy have ominously refused to comment.