Saturday 27 June 2020

Greta Thunberg Exposed as 35 Year Old Man



As Alter Ego Jones


Thunberg
















































There was shock in absolutely no quarters today as pint sized, baby faced, pain in the arse activist Owen Jones was exposed as Greta Thunberg.

The, in hindsight blatantly obvious, discovery was made half an hour ago by Satire Editor in Chief Tam Laird while munching a bowl of corn flakes and lazily perusing the internet in bed.

"I was lazily perusing the internet in bed, looking for porn as usual, in the interests of journalistic research naturally. I began trying to type in Greta Milos the "actress" but, embarrassingly. before I  knew what was happening there were loads of fully clothed pics of  the stunning and brave Swedish wunderbrat Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg . I was wiping milk and cereal off my computer screen. Disappointing to say the least. It was at that moment I put two and two together and realised who "she" really was. When you think of it, you've never seen those two together."

The Satire  caught up with the 35 year old lefty gobshite Jones on his way home from a BLM Transgender vegan basket weaving workshop and confronted "him" over the deception.

"How DAAAAaare you" he snarled at our reporter. "I identify as a 17 year old Swedish schoolgirl and as my Marxist principles are perfectly in line with modern environmentalist dogma there's no deception involved. Now get out of my way you bigot I have to finish my homework"

But BBC political grandee Andrew Neil hit out..

"For fucks sakes had I have known that we could have saved time and a fortune by not having to grill the cunts separately."

Owen Jones is a twat.




Thursday 11 June 2020

Activists Demand Lobey Dosser Statue be Removed


The Offending Article



Left wing activists in the city of Glasgow have demanded the removal and melting down of a fictional comic strip character's statue.

The Sheriff of Calton Creek, Lobey Dosser, pictured above on his bipedal steed El Fideldo. His nemesis Rank Bajin riding pillion, has incurred the wrath of some middle class crusties with nothing better to worry about. The character was created by Partick poet and cartoonist Bud Neill for the Evening Times in 1949 and the much loved statue created by Tony Morrow and Nick Gillon has stood in the city's Woodlands area since 1992. But all that may change if one group of social justice heroes gets it's way.

Ranting and raving and slavering like a rabid dug, 21 year old Sinead O'Harridan from a group calling itself Bland Lives Matter yelled at The Satire..

" The people of Glasgow demand the immediate removal and destruction of this disgusting racist symbol of patriarchal tyranny before we do it ourselves. This sort of so called humorous homunculus is a blot on the landscape and a stain on the reputation of the city."

Asked what exactly her travesty was zhe thundered on..

 Where do I begin? Well first off he's just another old white man with a beard. Are there no women with beards? What about Mary Beard? Ok, she might not have a beard, but she could grow one.

Secondly his nemesis is black, reinforcing the stereotypical trope that black folk are all criminals.

Thirdly he was always harassing Big Chief Toffee Teeth and his Pawnee tribe, the racist, colonialist imperialist hairy bastard.

Fourth, the character of Fairy Nuff was clearly a crack at the expense of the LGBTQ + community.

Fifth the name Lobey Dosser is highly offensive to homeless people.

Finally just look, there's two grown men on that poor horse with only two legs which is cruelty to animals and exploiting the disabled. What more do you want you fascist scum?

At that zhe kicked our reporter in the bollocks then together with Mhairi Black MP vandalised the statue.

On regaining consciousness our man on the ground asked local tradesman, and regular Satire rent- a- quote, Frankie Douglas (40) what he thought of the demands.

"Yer kiddin? Naw, seriously? Ye ur kiddin ...aren't ye? Fur fuck's sakes that mad bint isnae even fae Glesga, she moved here fae Buckinghamshire last week. What's next, take doon Desperate Dan's statue in Dundee coz he ate Coo Pies and meat is murder? Ah gie up."

First Minister and authoritarian clown Nicola Sturgeon waded into the argument.

"I think this is just ridiculous. I demand to know who put this atrocity up in the first place. I can assure my left wing voters that this disgraceful sculpture will be destroyed and it's creators prosecuted as soon as we finish ripping doon Desperate Dan in Dundee."

Nicola Sturgeon is insane.




Friday 3 April 2020

Police Granted Powers to Make You Stand on One Leg and go Blibble Blibble Blibble

Mr. Fairweather - Blythe of Woking was "perfectly happy" to oblige


From our Legal Correspondent: Carlton Mingles Q.C

British Police have been granted new powers by parliament to help combat the spread of Covid-19.

In a special sitting last night MPs voted overwhelmingly to pass the Clearlysomethingmustbedone Act 2020, paragraph 2 subsection 3 clause c.
Effectively as of midnight last night it will be within police remit to oblige citizens to stand on one leg, put one finger in their ear and go "Blibble, blibble blibble"on their lips with the other hand.

In the wording of the act "constabulary must ensure the action is executed as prescribed, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. The index finger of the right hand in the right aural orrifice and the lips blibbled thrice with the first three fingers of the left hand. No more. No less. Failure to comply immediately and precisely will result in arrest, and conviction without trial to imprisonment for a minimum of 6 months. Heil Healthcare!"

Many opposition MPs are incensed by the legislation.
MP for Birmingham & Stalingrad Jess Phillips thundered in a faux working class accent....
 "This is far too little too late from this Tory Fascist government. Police should have been granted these powers years ago, and should go even further. Men in particular should be forced to carry out these actions wherever they are found. but it shouldn't be their fingers they should have to stuff in their misogynistic ears. It would stop them raping everything in sight, I can tell you."

Scottish First Monster Nicola Sturgeon complained..
 " This draconian legislation has been rushed through without any consultation whatsoever. It's no fair. I thought of this idea first. We were just about to implement it too when the UK parliament rushed it through. Now I have to think of some way to jock it up. Perhaps force people to wear a See You Jimmy hat and hum Floer O Scotland while they do it. "

Peter Hitchens of The Mail on Sunday blasted the government in his column stating..
 " These ludicrous and intrusive measures will have little effect on the spread of the virus. The government should concentrate on solving the whole root of the problem. The abolition of grammar schools. "

However his colleague at the Mail Piers Moron counter blasted..
 "Anyone who has the temerity to question sensible and precautionary measures such as these is quite simply a heartless bastard who wants people to die a horrible, coughing spluttering and highly politicised death. Shame on them"

When our correspondent put it to him that his mate Donald Trump was himself an initial sceptic of the voracity of the virus. Moron called him a cunt and threw him out of his Taxi.

One member of the public who's been stopped and tested 6 times already by the police was highly supportive.
 "We all have to do our bit you know. Just like the war. I'm perfectly happy to oblige as I have nothing to hide. If you aren't doing anything wrong why would you worry?"
Said 43 yo insurance broker from Surrey Rupert Fairweather- Blythe. He added..
" We should bring back National Service while we are at it. "
Asked whether he'd been in the services himself he replied..
"Yes. 14 months St. John's Ambulance." And strutted off self righteously down the Strand.

A PR spokesperson for the police told The Satire..
 "Look, these powers won't be used excessively, they will be only used in extremis. Such as when a women is seen loitering aimlessly on a railway platform.  When someone looks a bit odd. If they happen to be wearing football colours of a team that an officer doesn't like. When you're jogging less than 2m behind a fit looking bird that the officer wants to impress. Or anytime we fancy making you look a total arse."

 " Cough, wheeeeeze, splutter, cough, bleeeurgh, wiff waff. "

Said the Prime Minister(55)