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Join us at The Satire as we invite you to...

The Cock Out Challenge 2014

What hundreds of blokes getting their cocks out may look like 

Satireday (see what we did there.) 7th of June 2014 sees a brand new event in The Satire, Edinburgh and alpha fuckwit diary, as we at your favourite online news source challenge you all to quite literally "get yer cocks out", in the charming dog shit strewn locale of Inverleith Park.

Approaching 40? Wife and kids leaving you? Need some validation in your middle aged crisis looming life?

Then look no further than The Satire's own Cock Out Challenge especially designed for YOU the busy executive/ teacher/ unemployed layabout of Edinburgh and beyond.

Gone...The 15 mile assault course. Missing...the gruelling 125 obstacles including pits of tar, fire, razor wire 12 ft walls and rancid piss filled ditches.  Completely absent..... the misguided need to do anything strenuous, dangerous or heroic whatsoever.

A brief 5 meter dash( more a saunter actually) from our start line at Inverleith duck pond, you will be halted by our mildly obstructive 200 meter long, 1 meter wide row of wallpaper pasting tables, where you will be encouraged to Get your Cock out. Our team of officials will measure it, and the biggest cock will be the biggest man. That's it! And of course all in a good cause.

Just listen to what Satire Editor in Chief Tom Laird(46) has to say about why he's getting his cock out this year.....

"As usual I'm trying to endear myself to a barmaid half my age in a local pub. Even though she's probably seen more helmets than Hitler, I think I'm in love. Normally I go Mountaineering, running with the bulls in Pamplona , or living among the Masai in their pest infested bomas. Fuck that! This year I'm just getting my cock out and that's that. All the money will go to cancer of the bawbag or somethin'  so what are you waiting for?"

Another bald bloke says: "Last year I went and done the Tough guy challenge and it nearly fucking wasted me. Frankly I can't be arseholed with all that running about getting tired and wet pish. I'm getting my cock out and being done with it. It's all for cunts with Alzheimer's apparently so have a go."

Jools Holland : "Unlike the slapheads above, my boogey woogey piano playing alone would be enough to get my cock sucked at the drop of a hat. But I need some reassurance. I bought myself a Harley Davidson a couple of years back but that one's old hat. I don't really fancy traipsing about a freezing cold mud drenched bog in my shorts, so I'm just getting my cock out. It will help the darkies so join in.

So there you have it. Don't say the cock out challenge is not for you. It's for every man* who needs to feel that he can still get a shag. Fill in our entry form today and join us on the 7th of June in Inverlieth park for cock fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------    tear off and return to The Satire offices

Dear The Satire!

I am a man with incredible insecurity  issues. Please enrol me in your big alpha male fuckwit fest this year.

I enclose the sum of £30.00. Which I understand includes my enrolment fee, and a T-Shirt bearing the legend "COC 2014 - I got my cock out in Inverleith and didn't get arrested."**

I also understand that any money that may be left over will go to bongo bongo land, sick bairns, tit cancer, cripples or some fucking thing like that.

I furthermore understand that this might all go horribly wrong for me and may spend the rest of my life as an object of ridicule. Possibly having to move to some godforsaken part of the planet and live in a cave. I absolve The Satire and all it's associates of all liability.

Signed -----------------------------------------

*Disclaimer.  While we invite applications from females we must advise you that you may be at somewhat of a disadvantage at the measuring.

**Police Scotland advise that getting your cock out in Inverleith Park at any other time may result in arrest. Especially under heterosexual circumstances.

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Partridge On ... Cartridge!

"Hello, I'm TV's Alan Partridge and it was whilst lying here in my hospital bed recovering from a rather nasty fall that I first re-discovered my enormous love of The Cartridge."

"It was while listening to the Hospital Radio station here that I first had the idea. It really was shit. I mean, absolutely diabolical. The guy really didn't know how to 'link and chat, link and chat' and I thought to myself, 'I could ruddy well do that!' "

"I said to myself, 'we've got one of the nations very best broadcasters lying here unused while that ... Useless shit, pollutes the airwaves with his ... Shit."

"I mean, most of them are on heavy medication anyway, so you could pump any old rubbish in through the cans and they wouldn't even notice. But it did get me thinking back to my own early start in hospital radio all those years ago."

"And here's the point I was coming to - we had to play the music from cartridges back then - 8-track cartridges. None of your fancy digital whatsits and whatnots. Just you, the contents of your head, a well-thumbed copy of Giles Brandreth's pocket puns and your music cartridges  ..."

"They really are a marvellous little invention. Whether used to store a rockin' good Wings or Rod Stewart album, or as the robust outer-housing for your trusty dot matrix printer ink - they really are quite quite wonderful little things."

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"Sunday nights, 9pm. BBC One. Prime time. Full details to be confirmed. I mean, it'll definitely be on the Beeb somewhere .."

Only available through mail-order. See ad below for details.
Please Note - This series is only currently available on 8-track cartridge.

TV Preview - Coming Soon for Winter 2013

Alan Partridge On Alan's Part-ridge

Alan Partridge presents his novel new chat show from a ledge 3000 feet up Scarfell Pike.

Publicising the show for local radio Alan quickly moved to scotch rumours that this was merely the last act of a very desperate man. 

Speaking from high atop his ridge (Alan's Part-ridge - TM) he told reporters, "I think you'll find, mate, that it's not technically a suicide attempt if it has a highly viable new tv format attached. And this one certainly has that. In bloody ... spades. It's a blinking blinder."

"I mean, Okay. At worst this could be classed as a cry for help. Don't write that bit down!!"

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        The Brannen BJ69 Duberryferkin "It's The Bollocks"

Jools Holland says             " I've always done alright with the birds.

                                       But ever since buying one of these Brannen

                                       Jobbies,  girls as young as 16 have been 

                                       queueing up in droves to suck my cock"

We've all been there. You come home from a hard day screwing up the economy at the bank and all you want to do is listen to some Mantovani, or perhaps some Napalm Death, or maybe even Aga Do by Black Lace. Fuck knows! You get the picture. But wait! Since moving into that swanky new 3 bedroom bastard house you couldn't really afford but she'd been nagging on at you for for two years just to impress her parents and her idiot mates, you haven't been arsed to unpack your impressive CD collection. So off you traipse up to the "guest room". Bollocks! Which box were they in again? No. Not that one. That's all her exercise DVD's and the Thighblaster TM  that's in as much danger as seeing action as as a train spotter's tadger. After an hour you finally find what your looking for. Shite! All her CD's are at the top. NOW That's what I call an absolute load of bilge volumes 1 through 100. Katie fuckin Melua, God who listens to her? Where the fuck are your CD's? Ahh finally after rummaging through a car boot sale of utter crap you get to what you want. 

But what's this? Once back in the lounge you open up Nigel Kennedy's Vivaldi Four Seasons to find the kid's Bob the Builder CD. Do you know what, FUCK IT that'l do. You're not going back up those stairs. Then when you eventually get it in and press play it only skips and jumps like Graham Norton on his way to judge a Beautiful Bums contest.

Frankly, who needs the balls ache? Not fuckin you that's who. Put an end to the CD misery with the Brannen BJ69 Thingummy.

Features Include:

• A big fuck off button on the front.
• A display that tells you what's on and that.
• A Dial that's the big button as well
• Small enough to leave on the Bus, Train, Plane or in back of a taxi 

These exclusive innovations allow you to:

• Put all your music onto one machine. A bit like your computer
• Choose and play an album or track without getting off your arse. A bit like a hi-fi
• You get to see what's playing from across the room. A bit like using binoculars
• One button plays all your tracks at random. Another turns it off. A bit like your computer again
• Show off to the kind of tossers that live in your mock Tudor gulag

If that's not enough for you to give the credit card a caning listen to this...

Jools Holland chunters on, "I was sick to my boogey woogey piano playing tits of rummaging through my CD's constantly. Wasting valuable advertising time fart arsing about with cases and buttons. After only 67 hours of shoving discs in and out of that slot at the front. My entire collection is available at the touch of a dial. Well actually I got my Polish maid to do it. I was to busy being fellated by barely legals. Not only that but my boogey woogey piano playing has improved no end I can tell you."

Just look at these other celebrity endorsements you cynical twat.

"If I had have had one of them  Brannen contraptions I wouldn't have been interfering with Her Maj's lady bits"

  M. Fagan HMP Broadmoor

" Why oh why oh why don't I have a Brannen? I  Think I'll go out and kill every fucker"

 Anders Behring Breivik. Norway

" If my son had have had a Brannen he'd never have been eaten by a bear!"

  That bloke wots son was eaten by a bear. UK

 " Force all these striking civil servant twats to buy one of these gizmos and they'd soon go back to work"

   Jeremy Clarkson. The Cotswolds

  " I was going to Nuke Israel into the stone age but now I have my Brannen and don't need to rummage through my Yusef Islam collection, I've chilled the fuck out."  Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Iran

Let the final word go to the man himself. The electronic genius that is Mathew Brannen

" If it wasn't for this thing I invented no one would know who the hell I was and I'd be still buggering about with Sir Clive Sinclair. If you don't buy one you're a dick. A dick who's destined to spend his days fannying about with CD's while your kids and the neighbours kids piss themselves a laughing at you. Come on yer miserable git. It's Christmas and it might even help the economy. So rope the missus or whoever into getting you one. Yes I know I won't tell you how much it is. If I did you'd say "Fucksakes! Sod that! And just put all your sounds on your hard drive."

Buy the Brannen BJ69 at a knockdown price from The Satire! No! We're not telling you the price either.

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But Wait!! We hear you whimper. "I'm an Invertebrate softcock. A spineless goon of a manhole who long ago lost any ability to stand up for myself. I couldn't possibly do that. Besides...isn't it illegal?

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Yes! It's all here. For the paltry sum of £25.00 plus £2.99 for no other reason other than we just thought it up. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR LIFE BACK. Lovingly bound in the cheapest compressed cardboard and beautifully adorned in a photo pilfered off the internet, THTFRO will brighten up your bookshelf or porn pile and be the talk of your local neighborhood watch harridans .

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Print off and tear.

Dear The Satire,

Please rescue me from my life of utter shite and drudgery by rushing me a copy of the excellent Tell Her to...In a plain package preferably to a single mate's house as the missus/ girlfriend will fuckin kill me if she finds out.

I enclose £27.99 in postal orders as again she can't find out about it.

FALSE NAME..............................

MATE'S ADDRESS...............................

POST CODE.............................

MOBILE NUMBER...........................

Thanks Lads.

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