New Town Man Shits Himself at the Thought of ACTUALLY Living in the Country

Sstruan as he's chosen to be immortalised with one of his dogs Monty 

A man who gads about Stockbridge in tweed plus fours, dressed like a fucking extra from To The Manor Born, shat himself last week at the very notion of not living in the city.

Sstruan Findlater-Twatpiece (33), a former pupil of George Watson's college and resident of Heriot Row, found himself in the ghastly situation of possibly having to relocate to rural Perthshire as part of a workplace promotion. He and his partner Ffyon are among Barbour TM and Hunter's TM  best UK customers, and are lifetime subscribers to Horse & Hound and Cunty (surely Country. Ed) Life magazines.

Speaking from the tailgate of his pristine Land Rover Defender, decal-led with fake mud splatters, that he uses to mow down cyclists and demolish the wing mirrors of parked cars. He explained..

"I made my weekly visit to the office last Monday at Huckster,Shyster and Cunt were I'm engaged as an HR Under Manager to be told the "good news" by my Boss." 

"Congratulations old chap! You'll be pleased to know we've decided to give you a promotion, running a new office we have at Moor of Rannoch. No need for thanks, you richly deserve it"

"The Bastard! I couldn't work out what I'd done wrong. Ffyon and I took a helicopter trip up there and it really is the arsefuck of nowhere. We have two Labradors a Spaniel, a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Jack Russell. What in the name of god would they do up here? I mean the nearest Waitrose is in Glasgow for fucksakes and I would't be able to have my magazines delivered. Also about 5 am you hear this godawful bellowing every morning. I asked what it was down the nearest so called pub, they don't even do cocktails, and they told me the noise is what they call 'cows'. Fuck that! Then to cap it all off when Ffyon inquired in the local Church about Pilates and Zumba classes they told her the only thing they do is something called prayer and worship. Peasants! Anyway thankfully it all fell through. By the way that's Sstruan with two s's and ditto for Ffyon."

"Struan tried to put a brave face on it when I gave him the bad news about the deal falling through." His boss told The Satire . " He punched the air and shouted 'YeeeeEEEssss you fucker!!!', but I know deep down he'll have been bitterly disappointed."

            

Man Mortified at "Knocking One Out" to Mary Portas

    

                                           Mary: Queen of Cock

An Edinburgh man was black affronted yesterday to discover himself having a good old tug to Mary 'Queen of Shops 'Portas.

"I'm somewhat confused and slightly disgusted over the whole incident". Claimed the ruggedly handsome and libidinous Editor of the world famous The Satire! from his festering pit earlier this evening. "I mean I always considered her a bit of a munter and borderline boiler. Imagine my surprise when she popped up inexplicably in my mid day wank fantasy. 

I woke up about 11:50 am after a hard night on the lash. I'd been having a horny dream involving The Pussycat Dolls and a bottle of baby oil. I found myself starting out with my usual gentle lazy strum, building up to a decent rhythm with Demi Moore doing striptease for me. Then out the blue, just as I'm reaching the vinegar strokes to Britney Spears, Mary fuckin Portas pops into mind. Bending over the bonnet of her Audi A4 cabriolet with her mini skirt hitched up, giving me that come hither look they always give you just before you get arrested, and berating me for not presenting my member in a clean, professional and business like manner. Well I just couldn't stop myself. Before you could say 'unique selling point' I was pummeling her up the wrong un as she protested 'call that a good hard shag? I've had better on a wet Wednesday round the back of Top Shop.'

Well I must say, the worst part is that I've never had such a volcanic orgasm. The penguin walk to the toilet has never been so tricky. I have had a few dodgy ones in the past, you know the odd cartoon character (Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit etc.), I even had a quick one to Tracy Emin and just recently Kirsty Allsop. But this really is a new low.

I just hope that the whole episode doesn't end up posted on some online satirical blog. I'd be ruined.

Tom Laird is 43 and unsurprisingly single.

Edinburgh Man Opens Chain of Cheap Turban Shops In Punjab

(Above Left: How some American fuckwits might look. Right: The Ubiquitous Hardeep Singh Kohli Lectures on the evils of cheap turbans)

From Our Fashion Correspondent: Chandar Moghuls

A Leith Man and his entire family have enraged locals in India by opening a chain of cheap and nasty turban shops all over the fucking place.

Sir Tom MacFermer(51) who made his fortune selling Magic Trees and furry dice at extortionate prices decided to make the move after spotting a golden opportunity in the former Jewel in the Crown of the British Empire. 

" I flew over there in my private Boeing 747 for a conference of 2,000 other Billionaires on Climate Change. While I stayed at the Hilton Hotel I couldn't help noticing that a lot , if not most of  the local men outside were wearing funny rags on there head. A bit like what you see in Pollockshields, and Birmingham and that. Someone told me they were called Turbans. I couldn't believe that these guys had all just come out of the shower at the same instant. Then I was told that they wear them all the time, just like that annoying cunt who's never off the telly.I had to laugh. Then I realised a golden business opportunity to make a few bob selling them."

Sir Tom opened his first Shop in the center of the Punjab capital Chandigarh In  February 2006.  Six months later he opened another one two doors down, within the next year he had six just round the corner and by the end of 2008 had 157 within a quarter mile radius of each other. The shops are characterised by their poor quality products, the intensely loud cheesy bhangra music that blasts out from huge crackly speakers at the front and their stereotypically dressed staff. Prompting complaints from concerned locals and traditional retailers alike.

" One of the things that really gets my goats is a particularly idiotic piece of Punjabi Kitsch known as the 'See you Rani turban.' Moaned Ram Patel. The 91 year old owner of a traditional outfitters based in Chandigarh for 300 years. " The bloody thing even has a false chin strap like beard attached to it. The tourists think it's hilarious,especially American fuckwits, and all go around doing Peter Sellers impressions. They sell like fuck so I had to get in on it as well. Though that bastard MacFermer buys them in bulk from China so can sell cheaper. My Turbans are all made traditionally by local 9 year olds. It's a cunt. He's ruining it for everyone."

But Sir Tom blasted back." Look these guys have been ripping people off for years and filling their pockets. I have brought hilarious tasteless tacky buffoonery within the reach of the ordinary punter. What's wrong wi' that? I think they should get a sense of humour. Peter Sellers was a very funny man who made Sikhs a sidesplitting figure of fun the world over. Get over it."

Support for the locals has come from Sir Tom's home country however. The latest to throw his turban into the fray is none other than Hardeep Singh Kohli(37). A man who knows a thing or two about exploiting  a cultural icon. Speaking unexclusively to The Satire he pontificated. " I was brought up in the mean streets of  Glasgow where my parents scraped enough money to buy several properties, and send me and my brother to the tough St. Aloysius(150). Where boys were forced to participate in Polo, Lacrosse and debating societies. Later they sent me to Cambridge where I experienced racism when people kept asking me if I wanted curry when they invited me to dinner parties. I'm from Glasgow. So OK, I don't like tatties and mince and I do like curry, but that's hardly the point. What was the question?"

Mr Kohli then baffled everyone by being omnipresent and knowing very little about turbans.