Edinburgh Tram Project Scaled Down: Completion Date 2025

          The New scaled down version of the controversial Tram Project. "Marvelous"


Edinburgh City Council announced among great fanfare today that the hitherto ill fated Tram Project was well and truly "Back on Track". ( Pun totally intended")
Edinburgh City Council Transport Convener Davy Donaldson made the announcement from his holiday home somewhere in the Caribbean (attempts to find the exact whereabouts have proved difficult).

" This should wipe that smug grin off the face of those naysayers who naysayed things and that about us being able to finish this and stuff. It may well be scaled down to a miniature railway and  run round and round the castle instead of to The Royal Infirmary and the airport and useful places. But the kids will love it and coming in at only several Gazillion Pounds above budget, I think we can all agree it's a marvelous achievement that should make our children and grandchildren proud. Especially when they are to young to understand the issues involved. There will even be a funny wee man in a Casey Jones type outfit handing out the tickets and pointing out places of interest like ...er...The Castle and ..er ..yon kind of thing." He then shouted "Look there's Sean Connery!!" Then ran away when we turned round.

One of the naysayers was one Mrs. Margaret MacTights of Saughton. "This is a fuckin giant bucket of monkey shite." Spat the bespectacled octogenarian . God forgive me and excuse my language but If that cunt Donaldson was here instead of In Antigua spunkin away ma cooncil tax money on paragliding and and snortin' lines of chang off of black hookers's tits. I'd ram this zimmer that far up his colon, he'll think rippin up the tram lines in Princes Street is a cheap and relatively simple operation. Do any of yous know how to download porn onto this computer thing?"

A planned protest against the project was cancelled earlier this week when absolutely no fucker could get near the town for abandoned tram works.

Mags MacTights is 89, recently widowed and "chokin for darkies".

Bike Man Ordered In 1909 Finally In Stock

(Left:Kaspar Von Furniss test rides

the bicycle 110 years ago)

(Above: Von Furniss's Grandson Olaf Reacts to the news the bicycle is in stock)

A bicycle ordered a century ago by a German immigrant in Edinburgh eventually arrived yesterday. Much to the consternation of the mans descendants.

Mr Olaf Furniss(51) received the news by telephone in his poorly furnished Stockbridge flat yesterday. " I couldn't really take it in at first and wondered what the fuck they were going on about." Furniss told The Satire yesterday evening over a cup of tea without sugar, milk ,or indeed tea, in it. He continued," This annoyingly cheery voice on the other side of the phone announced blithely that the bike was in stock. Fuck me, I thought, that was quick I only ordered it 3 months ago. Surely some mistake. Imagine my consternation when I found out that it was a bike ordered by my grandad before the great war."

Innes MacPedal(17) Manager of  The Edinburgh Bike Collective (Formerly Ye Olde Edinburgh Bike Collective: Purveyors of the finest machines to the Discerning Gent) In Bruntsfield, made the following statement. " It only shows the quality of our service that even after all this time we still managed to deliver. Mr. Furniss is now potentially in possession of an antique of great value. Unfortunately this means that the balance he owes us which was previously £1. 5 shillings and thrupence is now £62,522.34p. The matter has been passed to our legal department and I have nothing further to say.Except you know what these boxheads are like. They want everything yesterday, and no sense of humour."

"This is pish." Complained Furniss from his badly insulated and even more poorly furnished flat, as the sherriff's officers removed his bread maker,fondue set, stereo gram, and Demis Roussos record collection. " I can't even get the bike I ordered now. I will have to walk to LiDL to buy my Pumpernickel."

He then branded The Edinburgh Bike Collective  "Cunts" and claimed it would never have happened had Hitler won the war.

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.

Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.

Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. " My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto's around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users. On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out 'a courtin' and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour."

Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked " It's no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse's wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It's hardly Al'qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.

His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, "I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's a shame. "The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.

The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should  the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.

Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.