It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."

New for ITV1 in 2013!

(Pictured: Robson Green as Dr Tony Parsley.)

Coming Soon to ITV1 - Parsley & Sage

From the team who brought you the hugely popular "Rosemary & Thyme" now comes ... Parsley & Sage.

Tony Parsley is an occult herbalist. Theodora Huffington Sage is a wise wiccan woman and pagan astrologist. Together they solve crimes. Mainly missing persons and divorce cases.

Starring Robson Green and Caroline Quentin. 

Speaking exclusively to 'The Satire' relaxing on set between takes, star of the show Robson Green told us, "What they do is pretty routine work to be honest. I mean, at best they'll get a brief sense of achievement when they catch an unfaithful husband. But it's quickly replaced by the realisation that another marriage is now over. And what about the poor kids? Plus, everyone knows missing persons cases rarely end well ..."

To be frank, it's all thoroughly draining and depressing stuff. I'm on tranquilisers now. And my GP is pretty sure it's all down to filming this series."

"The thing is - it was all going so fucking well. I've just got re-married. We've got a new baby on the way. We've just moved into a lovely new home with a beautiful garden. And there are all of these great local amenities for the older kids. For the first time in years my ex-wife and I are on really good terms and her and Jenny get on like sisters!"

"But it's all turned to shit now, since I've been working on this show."

"Don't write this bit down, but I've started drinking again. And seeing prostitutes.  I pay them to humiliate me. It's the only way I can find any sort of peace from the screaming despair that now prowls around my head 24/7. Please help me. For the love of Christ, please help me!"

Parsley & Sage. Sunday nights. ITV1. 9pm.

(Viewers please note: the opportunity for the above-named characters to demonstrate, discuss or display any occult, wiccan, magic or supernatural powers, visions or extra-sensory perceptions of any kind is not utilised in any of the storylines, visuals, sub-plots or peripherals of this series - merely in the title itself.)

Unique! New! Promotional Opportunity for Lucky Satire Readers

 

Partridge On ... Cartilige

Having fallen 3000 feet from Scarfell Pick in his last pilot, award-winning Broadcaster Alan Partridge OBE (Honour removed) was rushed to the local hospital for emergency surgery ...

Despite being in enormous pain and doped up to the eyeballs on morphine, Alan's natural-born film-making instincts kicked in and luckily for his army of loyal fans he filmed the whole thing on his mobile phone - hoping someone might pick it up for Prime-time TV.

And until that happens, you can still join Alan for this unique 12-part documentary as he talks about one of his latest passions in this stunning new series.

Read on for a sneak preview, as Alan bravely begins filming as the ambulance men stretcher him into the Accident & Emergency Unit of Norwich General Hospital ...

ALAN: I'm Alan Partridge. And you may not know this, but I have always been fascinated by Cartilage - the, ooh how could I put it, the flexible connective tissue found in many areas in the bodies of humans and other animals, including the joints between bones, the rib cage, the ear, the nose, the bronchial tubes and the intervertebral discs."

AMBULANCE MAN: Try not to speak please, Mr Partridge. Just keep breathing into the oxygen mask. That's right.

ALAN: So come with me now on a journey into the world of the fascinating world - of the Cartilage!"

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry Mate, you can't film in here.

ALAN: Oh for fuck's sa - ...Ow! Cartilige!



Be one of the first lucky readers to own this unique and fascinating series on high-quality stereo video cassette*.

Currently only available by mail-order.

(See The North Norfolk Free Advertiser, back-page classified ads for glorious full colour details.)

* DVD copies also available for a hefty additional charge.

TV Preview - Coming Soon for Winter 2013

Alan Partridge On Alan's Part-ridge

Alan Partridge presents his novel new chat show from a ledge 3000 feet up Scarfell Pike.

Publicising the show for local radio Alan quickly moved to scotch rumours that this was merely the last act of a very desperate man. 

Speaking from high atop his ridge (Alan's Part-ridge - TM) he told reporters, "I think you'll find, mate, that it's not technically a suicide attempt if it has a highly viable new tv format attached. And this one certainly has that. In bloody ... spades. It's a blinking blinder."

"I mean, Okay. At worst this could be classed as a cry for help. Don't write that bit down!!"

"But no, it's not that. It's quite simply a bold and innovative new experiment in TV chat. From Alan Partridge."

Coming Soon to Channel 162. 3AM Tuesdays and Thursdays. Subscription deal only.

Patrick Moore Latest Victim of Hoax Phone Calls

(Above - Sir Patrick Moore yesterday)

The Astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was yesterday found dead at his home, suspected to be the latest victim of the Australian phone hoax craze that is sweeping the world.

Moore, who was found by his Guatemalan assistant Gunther gruben-Furer Von Bismark early yesterday morning, is thought to have suffered a delayed reaction from the call, which he received in 1973.

'Ve believe ze Fuhrer, I mean, ze Master, I mean Mr Moore, received ze call in ze late afternoon uf ze 17th of August nineteen hoondred OONT seventy tree. It was a wrong number, but I huff reason to believe that ze accent was definitely of an Antipodean bent. Ya Voll."

It is thought that it took almost 40 years for the shock of the call to fully work it's way through Sir Patrick's system.

Mr Moore's GP, Herr Reich Chancellor Heinrich Schlupperhauffer 'Call me Dave' Grupen Machtergreifung, told us,

" Ya, eet ees thought that eet has taken at least 40 of your puny human years for ze shock to hif vorked eets way through Mr Moore's system. Ya Voll. Heil Moore!"

Sir Patrick leaves behind a telescope, xylophone, a complete signed mint-condition 'Hogan's Heroes' boxed set collection and 800 copies of 'Hefty Helga' Naturist magazine (1960-1983)

It's a Knockout Death Penalty Re-instated

The government has today has given in to mounting pressure to impose stricter penalties on the increasing number of 1970's Radio and TV personalities being implicated in sex scandals.

Home Secretary Teresa May speaking to The Satire this morning said the government had now moved swiftly to bring in strong additional deterent measures. And from midnight tonight the 'It's a Knockout ' Death Penalty will be imposed on any and all 1970's Radio and TV personalities found guilty of appearing in the tabloids or on Twitter accused of any sort of sex act.

Mrs May told The Satire,"We're not waiting anymore until they've been found 'Guilty' by a 'Court of Law' using 'Fair and Judicial Practice in Accordance with Centuries of Legal Precedent and Magna Carta' or any of that poncy euro-bollocks!"

"As soon as they're accused, it's straight to the prison cells and summary execution the very next morning. It's the only way to deal with these sort of vile beasts in a United Kingdom known throughout the World to be the Very Beating Heart of Democracy."

"And this is the only civilised way to protect that democracy and the subjugates, I mean subjects ... sorry 'people' who serve her, I mean live here, I mean, you know, what are they called ... the punters. Yes, we've really thought this one through and it's the best and fairest policy for all."

Further details of the new law were announced this morning. The perpetrator will be be released from the prison onto a piece of waste ground in Belgium dressed in a giant penguin costume and carrying two pails of water. They will then have to navigate a series of hilarious obstacles such as a giant inflatable water-slide filled with soapy bubbles, and inflatable tunnels & bouncy castles. Once they reach the end of the course any remaining water left in their pails will be measured by Eddie Waring and donated to charity.

They will then be shot through the back of the head by The Prime Minster, David Cameron -  who, to soften the blow (as it were) will be dressed in a Mr Blobby costume.

"We're still deciding on the choice of music to play during the execution," said the Home Secretary. "But it'll have to be something light and fun. After all, when you're shooting someone through the back of the head on a piece of Belgian waste-ground, the whole thing can very easily turn into a bit of a downer ...eh, so I'm told ..."

The Satire believes the choice of music will either be 'Bang Bang' by BA Robertson or, to appease the Belgians, 'Ca Plane Pour Moi' by Plastic Bertrand.

"After all we are, effectively, murdering un-tried British citizens in their cuntry (Please note, Home Secretary's own spelling - ed)  And, technically, without their permission. And as you know Charles, in the modern Tory Party we are all about the compromise."

When asked whether the event will be televised in front of a live audience, the Home Secretary told us, "Don't be preposterous. This is a a matter of serious legal procedure and not something to be taken lightly. We may invite along some DJ's and some lucky local kids - and of course Sky have shown some interest. But it'll all be done in very good taste."

"No one Wants to Look at Me Anymore" Complains Old Saggy Pair of Tits

                                  Angela Rippon last night

A Previously young attractive and pert pair of tits has been having a right old moan about not being desirable anymore.

" I remember years ago when I was young and jiggly, people wanted to see me on the telly reading the news and that. I was so popular that they fired perfectly competent and adequate middle aged, middle class men in suits just to get me on. Now I'm old and saggy and a bit past it, all they want to do is replace me with a younger better looking pair of tits. It's a scandal and a disgrace!" Whined the wrinkly pair of old funbags that never used to give a fuck about ageism when she was young and jiggly.

"To add Insult to injury they don't even pay me as much as the younger firmer pairs of tits. I get a pittance to present third rate daytime TV property porn, and stair lift, SAGA holiday and pet insurance adverts. I would tell them to ram it up their arses if I wasn't desperate to keep my mug on camera at all costs."

"They say that no one is interested in looking at an old flabby pair of doodahs tucked into support tights. Well I simply don't get it. Because they used to."

Gloria Hunniford is 93.

Bellshill Man Sues Sally James

( Left:Mr. McGrory after laser eye treatment)

         (Right: Almost Legendary tits)

A Lanarkshire man is set to bring a  £1,000,000 lawsuit against former children's TV presenter Sally James on the grounds that she completely ruined his eyesight.

Kevin McGrory of Community Rd Bellshill is outraged that he has failed to realise his childhood dream of becoming an airline pilot, and puts the blame squarely at the door of the busty Tiswas star.

"Up until I was 9 my eyesight was better than a hawk with binoculars, then Sally came on Saturday morning telly with her Almost Legendary Pop Interviews and things started to slip. You have to remember these were the days before cable, or Internet or even Channel 4 with it's arty french porn films. Catching a glimpse of Sally's cleavage at the weekend was every boys highlight. To make things worse my Maw and Da used to go to ASDA and leave me in the hoose alone. I made the most of it I can tell you. It was ecstasy. The sight of those babies jiggling as she laughed was as good as watching hard core dutch filth. I ruined two settee's, and three carpets. When the guys came from General George to fit a new one they had to tear the old one up with a pneumatic drill. My Mother was disgusted."

But young Kev was to pay dearly for his libidinous pleasure. "I paid dearly for my liby..libid...lobby...horny fun" he said, wiping away a tear of regret. "By the time I was 14 my eyesight was away to fuck. I couldn't even knock one out to page three of The Sun as I couldn't even find the paper let alone the pictures. I made Mr. Magoo look like Steve Austin. And that's not all. Both my young brothers are over six feet tall. I stayed at 4'10" the rest of my days. I also had hands like a gorilla's and had to shave them every other day. It was all very traumatic. Much as I have fond memories of Sally, her and her big lovely tits have a lot to answer for."

Despite thousands of pounds spent on corrective eye treatment Mr. McGrory is still "as blin as a bat" and experts say he will never be able to as much as fly a kite never mind a passenger jet. 

"It all sounds very tragic but this has really got fuck all to do with me." Said Sir Richard Branson. Beardy owner of some aeroplanes, dismissively from his mobile phone. In a balloon somewhere over the Atlantic when The Satire called him yesterday. " If the authorities say he can't fly," he explained, "He can't fly. How the hell did you get this number?"

Sally James(58) was not prepared to talk to us no matter how great we said her tits were. However her lawyer, Digby Carter-Cunt of Shyster Huxter and Cunt emphatically denied the claim. 

"My Almost Legendary client denies this claim emphatically. It's absurd and ridiculous. I have inside information from Mr. McGrory's brother that my client was not the only object of his desire. Apparently he was regularly pulling the head of it to Sheena Easton, Janet Ellis, The cadbury's bunny and even Fran & Anna. Why should Ms. James take all the spunk..I mean blame. Besides, I and many another young lad were chugging away at the sight of Sally's hooters and it never done us any harm." He said, talking to a lamp post.

Lenny Henry was available for comment 143 times this week but we wouldn't answer the phone.

Sutcliffe Slams Clarkson

(Above: your average lorry driver ... probably not a murderer)

Serial-murdering psycopath, keen lorry driver and so-called ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe today spoke out of his outrage over the Jeremy Clarkson scandal.

“Respectable lorry drivers like myself and that bloke out of the Yorkie Bar adverts were happily going about our lives, innocently listening to country & western music and whittering inane good-buddy bollocks into our CB radios until Clarkson came along with these offensive smears on our reputation. Well, granted, I wasn’t going about my innocent life. I’ve been in jail for 25 years for murderin' them prozzies for Jesus. And, okay, well now that I come to think about it - the bloke from all them Yorkie ads is a fictional character … but there must still be actual lorry drivers out there, yeah? And it’s them I feel sorry for.”

Local resident Maureen McGlinchie told us, “It’s a disgrace, is what it is. I see lorries driving past my house every day - so I know all about things like this. Clarkson just can’t get away with this sort of talk anymore. Cage the black beast, I say! He is black, isn’t he? I think he is. He’s definitely black.”

Renowned clinical psychologist Dr David Donaldson commented, “In my expert opinion, I think it’s highly unlikely that all lorry drivers in the UK are murdering prostitutes. There are over 40,000 registered HGV drivers in this country and if they were all bumping off hookers regularly, the supply would soon run out. In which case, normal, respectable women would end up taking over these prozzies’ street-pitches by night - and continuing their shift at Asda during the day. Of course, they would soon start showing signs of fatigue and confuse their roles - sucking off respectable family men in the supermarket checkout queue and offering 17% off frozen prawns to bemused lorry drivers in car parks. It’s just not likely, is what I’m saying. That’s 19,000 euros, please.”

A spokesman for Top Gear told us, “Wahoo! Our ratings have gone through the fucking roof! Ha ha ha! Eh? Peter who? Wasn’t he originally in the Beatles?”

Walk of Shame for Disgraced Beast Ross

Disgraced multi-billionaire TV host Jonathan Ross was today seen openly walking the family pet Mr Pickles in broad daylight.

His horns, forked-tail and hooves obviously disguised under heavy make-up and special effects, the media mogul cut a jaunty, almost carefree figure as he scooped dog excrement from the pavement in a nonchalant, some might even say unrepentant manner.

“Why doesn’t he just let his dog shit in the garden, like what normal folk do?” said nearby resident Maureen McGlinchie. “It’s one rule for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us. Cage this black beast.”

Animal expert Professor David Donaldson told us, “Ross will probably come back in from the walk, take the animal’s lead off and perhaps give him a treat. He might then perhaps play with Mr Pickles for a while or watch some television. I can’t be sure what he’ll be watching - but I’m guessing whatever’s on at the time. He’ll probably check through the schedules first, that’s certainly the approach I might take. He may even make himself a cup of tea. Or coffee even. Who knows. The man's a multi-billionaire, he can drink whatever the fuck he likes. The cheeky cunt. He’s just taking the piss. I agree with Mrs McGlinchie in the previous paragraph. Cage this evil beast!”

Our team of investigative journalists managed to retrieve a sample of the excrement from a nearby doggy-bin and whisked it off for detailed analysis by forensic scientists at a leading commercial laboratory, who told us, “Well, it’s … just dog shit, isn’t it? It’s just fucking dog shit. Are you taking the piss? Bringing us a pile of fucking dog shit. What the fuck do you think we are? Do you think we’ve not got better things to do than poke around in fucking dog shit, you daft cunts?”

Ross was this afternoon unavailable for comment, which just about says it all really, doesn’t it? And his wife’s a ride. Rich jammy twat.

Ayrshire Man Finds Richard Digance Funny

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                       (  Above: A typical reaction to one of Digance's hilarious monologues on Countdown)

  (Left: Richard Digance  in a pose designed to lead you to believe he hitchhikes round his UK tour like a troubadour. Out of Shot: His  Jaguar )

A 48 year old man from Mauchline has astounded family, friends and the Nation alike by claiming he finds Richard Digance "very amusing."

The shock revelation came about when Davey Spiers was round at his in laws last Tuesday afternoon. Mr. Spiers's Mother in Law, Grace Collins (68) explained to The Satire.

" The whole family were round and the kids were not long in from the school. I just settled down with a cup of tea and a Carmel wafer to watch Countdown when yon Richard Digance came on to do one of his stories about his dog. I lifted the Remote to switch it over when Davey shouted, 'no leave him he's quite amusing at times!' Well I'll tell you, you could have heard a tenner drop. We all just stared at him incredulously as he went on to say, ' No seriously, he's a real hoot just listen.' He then proceeded to piss himself laughing as Digance droned on for what seemed like an eternity about squirrels and nuts and how much cleverer his dog was than him, which at least sounded plausible. It was surreal. He didn't sing though so thank the Lord for small mercies."

The news quickly spread about the village like wildfire, then to neighboring villages and then pretty soon the phone lines here at The Satire were jammed as thousands of people called to report the phenomena. The Satire's top reporter called Charlie, Charles "Charlie" Mingles, had this to say about the incredible discovery.

" People who have never heard of me in this small dreary backwater, that doesn't sell decent coffee and took me half a day to find. Have been in a state of total shock at the fact they are suddenly in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Before Digancegate, the media had only ever mentioned Mauchline in light of an obituary or an occasional chip pan fire. Last Tuesday just after tea time, all that tragically changed."

Richard Digance (60) the self styled "Master of Nostalgic Comedy"(many have quipped that he makes you wish Arthur Askey was still alive), came to prominence on returning to the U.K in the 70's from touring America . Whilst there he had supported Steve Martin, appearing down the bill in between a Marcel Marceau impersonator and Jurgen Hoddler and his Yodelling Youngsters. A Swiss version of The Osmonds that played alpine horns. Digance died on his arse. Back in the U.K Digance became known for his TV "specials", 'A Dabble with Digance' (BBC 1984), 'Abracadigance' (BBC 1988), 'Indegestdigance' (QVC 1991) and 'A Dental visit with Digance' (Radio St. Kilda 2005). 

Despite his many many detractors, some of whom claim he makes Giles Brandreth seem like Bill Hicks at his best , Digence has built up quite a follower in England. Many suspect he works for Channel 4, where Digance controversially beat off a challenge from Frank Bruno for the coveted 'Dictionary Corner' guest slot on Countdown, alongside that bird who's not Carol Vorderman. Many insiders on the show claim that is the reason behind the sharp exit of Des Lynam from the programme and that Carol Vorderman turned down another £6,000,000 rather than "have to pretend to laugh at one more single fucking turgid anecdote from the twat." Even Des O'Conner who would snap his farting strings at the sight of a gate swinging has remained steadfastly poker faced at Digance's feeble attempts at repartee. Prompting, Some say, his intended departure from Countdown leaving C4 struggling to find another presenter called Des. Former Countdown cameraman Ed Hollings told The Satire ."It has even been known for Rick Wakeman to have Carol giggling her knickers off for fucksakes, but Digance struggles for a forced smile. His sodding Alsatian would make a better guest."

One man however remains firmly in Digance's camp. " I think he's an uproar." Claimed Davey at his home yesterday. " You should have heard the one he told yesterday, about dropping his spoon in a cafe then having to get ano....................." He trailed off as our man Mingles lost the will to live.

Richard Digance was unavailable for comment as he was on a cruise ship.

Thank Fuck!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Controversial US Exorcist To Visit Scotland

(Pictured: Top, Bob Larson. Above. A photo of the Smugness Demon captured using special photography)

Controversial American Exorcist Bob Larson has announced he plans to visit Scotland next month to exorcise a few of our demons - and he's starting with the First Minister.

Speaking on the telephone this morning, Larson told us, 'Why, lordy lordy I've seen this man on my television set and the Smugness Demon is possessing him something awful, so it is, lordy lordy and no mistake, y'all'

He then went on to site a few more instances of the damned and possessed amongst the Scottish establishment. According to Larson, Jackie Bird is possessed by a giant pteradactyl which compels her to write terrible sitcoms and to believe she is sexually attractive to men under the age of sixty. Whilst Jackie sleeps, the terrible beast awakens from its slumber and flies round the room practicising its alluring grimace and trying on sexy underwear.

And that's not all. Larson has also singled-out Scots TV presenter Nicky Campbell as being possessed by the 'Patronising twat' Demon.

And according to Larson, the entire City of Glasgow has been under the power of the 'Weegie' Demon for literally centuries.

Larson told us, 'Glaswegians are actually very camp effete sorts, lordy lordy, I do declare. But for hundreds of years now a Demon of obesity, tedious humour and irritating people by talking to them at bus stops when they just want a quiet fucking life - has possessed the good people of the city. I intend to rid them of this terrible curse and no mistake, yessir indeed!'

Larson is a controversial figure in the US, having amassed a fortune from his work and recently exposed a journalist for being possessed by the 'Finding me in bed with a prostitute' Demon. And another for being under the power of the 'Realising my head looks like an engorged cock covered in Brillo Pads' Demon.

Neither Alex Salmond, Jackie Bird or any of the fair people of Glasgow were available for comment, but Larson's crusade continues.

'My crusade continues,' he told us.'Praise the Lord and pass another slice of that them there pumpkin pie, lordy lordy, yessir indeed ..' etc.

The Truth Is Out There and It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi!

Mulder &Scully watch horrified at old episodes of Crackerjack. The Krankies....Scary.

One of Scotland's top comedy
acts has landed a part in the planned X-Files movie sequel due for release in January 2010.

The Krankies (real names Ian and Janette Pishflap) beat off severe competition from big industry names such as, Jim Bowen, Alan Stewart, Andy Gray and Grant Stott. Also rumoured to be in the running were Ben Kingsley, Sir Ian McKellen and that bloke off of the Halifax adverts. The news comes as no surprise to Krankie fans who were jubilant yesterday when it was announced Ian and Janette had secured the part. One middle aged fan who refused to give his name because he was under a social services supervision order, and shouldn't have been near the swing park adjacent to The Satire's office when we caught up with him, enthused...

" Wee Jimmy Krankie is ma favourite comedy character of all time and his face is all over ma bedroom wall. I for one can't wait for the film to come out." He then made some comments unfit for copy and darted off.

This reporter managed to contact Mr. Krankie at Motherwell Civic Center where he and Wee Jimmy are in rehearsals for the upcoming summer run of Dean Park's "Big Variety Night Oot." Alongside Stan Boardman and a Fran & Anna tribute act. When asked how he felt about being awarded the part he said" Janette and I are absolutely thrilled and delighted to be in the movie alongside Davy Dickoff and Moira Anderson (sic). Especially Janette who is a big fan of Scooby Doo and Rentaghost an thae kind of things. I am also particularly pleased to have beaten that smug twat Andy Gray who stole My TV Quick award for "Best Widow Twankie" last year. In your face Gray! I rule!!!!Seriously I was gutted by that. I thought it was in the bag and even the Evening Times was ready to lead with 'Krankie King of the Twankies'. Bastard."

Janette was unavailable for comment as it was past her bedtime.

Film Industry bigwigs are keeping it tight about what the role will be. However one insider told The Satire. " As usual Wee Jimmy has the main part. Basically they play the part of a father and son on holiday in America when aliens strike and abduct Wee Jimmy. There's an hilarious scene where they are trying to catch him and he is running around the room trying to escape and running under and through their legs, kicking them up the arse and stuff. Then one of the creature puts its spindly hand on his head and holds him at arms length, as he flails and windmills his arms trying to batter it. Priceless! The aliens are then completely baffled when they do an autopsy and discover that he is in fact a 61 year old women. They then wipe her mind of the experience and let her go. Of course everyone then thinks that Ian has done her in and no one believes his abduction malarkey except Agent Mulder. Later when they are searching a house for Wee Jimmy he is in fact behind them making faces the whole time. It's very dark and disturbing."

Undoubtedly The Krankies owe their break to the success of Scottish King of comedy Billy Connolly. In the latest X-Files offering, Billy plays the part of a paedophile priest who has the second sight and talks exactly like the Rev. I.M Jolly.

" The great thing about you Scotch is that Americans can't understand your accent so can't really tell when your a shit actor." Said a big Hollywood director through a funnel shaped thing.

Gordon Brewer Not Dead

The BBC is in mourning today at the shock news Gordon Brewer is still alive.

Tributes are pouring in from friends and colleagues said to be distraught by the news.

"We are distraught by the news" said an insider at Queen Margaret Drive who didn't want to be named for reasons of embarrassment. "We thought that Gordon was brown bread years ago but apparently and unbelievably he's still on Newsnight Scotland."

Brewers' family were last night being comforted by friends and relatives who rallied round, and were unavailable for comment. However a spokesman for the family said. "Please respect the fact that they are in grave shock as you can imagine. Realising that your loved one is not at all pushing up daisies is bad enough, but it's insult to injury to be made aware that he is still in fact presenting a shite regional news show. They just can't take it in."

The alarming fact that Brewer wasn't dead was discovered when John Mcwhirter(64) a night watchman from Largs, fell asleep during "Real Newsnight" and woke to find the presenter "wittering on about the plight of the fishing industry. I thought it was old footage from years ago, but imagine how aghast I was when Alex Salmond came on live from Holyrood talking about Gordon Brown making an arse of things and that." Mr McWhirter then phoned an incredulous BBC to break the news that Brewer had "done a Lazarus".

Gordon Brewers' colleagues at Real Newsnight gave touching tributes. Jeremy Paxman lamented "It is a sad day for British journalism. We all thought that Gordon had gone to a better place, but now it seems he is still in Glasgow rudely interrupting important and infinitely superior news coverage at inopportune moments to bring the people of Scotland embarrassing parochial trivia. " Mr Paxman then wept openly. Former Newsnight presenter Jeremy Vine Paid tribute to Gordon in a phone in on his Radio 2 show asking his listeners to phone in any newsworthy stories from around Scotland for Gordon to read out. " Try to be brief" he said. " And try and make it fuck all to do with fishing"

Unfortunately tonight's scheduled Newsnight Scotland will go on the air as usual.