Purveyor Of Shite Beer Opens New Pub Selling Same Shite Beer

 

Pub Landlord "Eck" with his shite beer

A pub owner from Linlithgow who fell out with his former business partner has opened up a new pub across the street.

Alex "Eck" Salmond (66) previously ran The Scotia Arms together with bar manager Nicola Sturgeon(51)for ten years opened up The Alba Arms opposite just the other week.

An insider told us..

"There was a lot of bad blood between him and Nicola after Alex retired and left her in charge. Eck was accused of being a bit of a sleaze and pinching all the barmaids bums on a regular basis and this was something Nicky wouldn't tolerate after 9 years and everybody found out about it so she moved fast and dobbed him in to the polis. But to her surprise and chagrin he got cleared of all charges and everyone accused her of being a hypocrite, a liar and an opportunist. So it wasn't long before Eck wasn't even welcome in his own pub so he decided to decant and set up his own. A lot of the regulars followed him."

One of the regulars and former barmaid who followed, Caroline McAllister, told The Satire ..

"The final straw for us was when Ladies night began to get gate crashed by a load of blokes in dresses all taking advantage of the cheap drink on offer. Before you knew it a wummin couldnae get a seat or even a drink. Getting to the bar was murder as it was chocka with big burly geezers wearing the most awful outfits and they just widnae move. We complained to Nicky but she just cried us aw bigots and refused to serve us. That's when we moved to the new place."

Opening up the new premises with The Proclaimers blaring in the background, Eck quoted the Declaration of Blowfroth ..

"It is no fur honour riches or even anything discernibly different from the other lot for which we fight, but for freehold alone which nae man OR WUMMIN gives up without His/Her wife. The drinks ur oan me....or they would be if we were allowed to serve any, which we aren't so time please, everybody oot".

But another former regular Wee Wullie Wallace from Elderslie commented..

This is pish. It's exactly the same as the auld pub. The beer is still shite. You've got a lager, an IPA, wan that's too citrusy, wan that's a bit like Guiness... only crap. The whole lot is undrinkable and overpriced.  The only difference is they are enforcing the Ladies night rules.

"Nonsense!" Snorted Alex Salmond. "Look at they beer mats. Completely new."

NEXT: Pub Bouncer Kenny MacAskill Buys a New Tie

"DON'T CALL ME BARONESS!" Screams Baroness

Baroness Davidson trying not to be Baronessy

A Woman of size went absolutely spare yesterday when a passerby called her a Baroness.

Baroness "anything for a photo op" Davidson (42) was posing for press pictures outside Holyrood dressed as a Matador and juggling bulls testicles on a Segway when an older person walked past and said "morning Baroness, at it again I see" while waving. 

The Woman, Flora MacTights (81) of Duddingston, was treated to a bellowing from the Baroness as she roared "DON'T CALL ME BARONESS YOU ELITIST AULD COW!!! "

"Alright, take a chill pill Mrs." Retorted the shocked octogenarian, as she fell backwards with her Zimmer frame.

"AND DON'T CALL ME MRS!" The Baroness spat furiously while giving the biddy a finishing blow to the sciatic nerve with a low kick. "MY CHOSEN PRONOUN IS J{O*(T^)&DOCFYL"

Later the Mrs MacTights was bundled into a police van and charged with an offence under the Hate Crime and Public order act.

The Baroness explained..

"What kind of sicko goes around calling a Baroness a baroness? I'm just the wee lassie from Fife via Selkirk and have worked tirelessly to shed this tory stereotype of privilege by going to Sandhurst being an Honorary Colonel and getting myself a Seat in the House of Lords. I don't need this shit."

The Baroness, who can claim up to £305 per day for sitting on a comfy chair in an unelected elitist institution, then went back to her photo shoot cartwheeling through an inflatable paddling pool of spaghetti hoops. 

The Baroness is available for Dog Walking.

NEXT: New Judge goes Radge at lawyer for calling him "M'Lud"

Shitty Skiddies Death Toll Reaches 100,000

One of the many "cases" of Shitty Scants discovered in Wishaw yesterday

From our Health Correspondent: Dr. Charles Mingin'

The Scottish Government are set to introduce new harsher control measures after deaths with shitty scants rose to 100,000 this year.

In Wishaw alone yesterday over 100 new cases of Shitey scants emerged as testing increased.

"This is Arsemageddon!" Exclaimed serial gobshite Nicola Sturgeon to a packed room of assembled credulous media fuckwits at Holyrood earlier today. She chuntered on.. "When oh when will the public realise the very real and present danger this skiddy pants epidemic presents? Accordingly I will be announcing stricter new restrictions later today and by fuck you cunts better dae as yer telt otherwise al set Humza oan yeez. Understood?"

The announcement comes as Scant deaths spiral upwards and cases of Skidmarks continue to rise despite the previous measures imposed. The harsh new rules include

- Making the wearing of your scants on the outside of yer troosers compulsory so as the polis can check them.

- Closing down of all curry houses and a ban on sales of ready meals containing curry dishes from supermarkets. Guinness and Buckfast tonic wine have been on a growing list of beverages, including coffee, to be banned.

- Scary films have been blocked on Amazon and Netflix as opposed to previously only on the cooncil telly.

- A ban on g-strings and thongs which seem to be the main cause of deaths with shite stains.

- Travel bans to India. Pakistan, Most of Asia and Africa, Venezuela and of course...Wales.

- Schoolchildren to be stopped from giving each other wedgies in the playground as teachers are becoming feart which in turn is increasing the number of cases.

However, Mail on Sunday Jeremiah Peter Hitchens tore into the new rules.

"Look, there is really no reason to believe that just because a middle aged man pulled from a canal is wearing a pair of soiled under garments, that's what he died OF. Dying WITH honking shreddies is not the same as dying OF them. Correlation is not necessarily causality. How many sodding times do I have to say that?" He thundered before launching into yet another one on Grammar schools.

Respected Epidemiologist with qualifications falling out her arse, and co-author of The Great Shartingon Declaration, Prof. Sunetra Gupta added...

"It's not really my field of expertise this one, but I have to agree with what that beardy bloke from the Daily Mail just said. It's a well known fact that when you pop your clogs you obviously lose control of your farting strings and keech your breeks. That's probably what's making the daft cunts at SAGE and that put two and two together and make five for fuck's sakes. Another thing, how can you check for skids on exterior underwear?"

But fat hypocritical Etonian, fake headline peddling, Bullingdon Club twat Piers Morgan countered ..

"These Skidiots should be made visit a morgue and have the victim's shitty undies rubbed in their selfish faces. Then they should have to stand there and try to tell the grieving families their loved ones weren't killed by a skitter. This thing is real and it's a killer. As sure as there's a basement in the Daily Mail building."

Nicola Sturgeon's announcement has been turned into a faintly amusing anal smoke blowing exercise on Youtube by Janey Godley for anyone sad enough to care.