Purveyor Of Shite Beer Opens New Pub Selling Same Shite Beer

 

Pub Landlord "Eck" with his shite beer

A pub owner from Linlithgow who fell out with his former business partner has opened up a new pub across the street.

Alex "Eck" Salmond (66) previously ran The Scotia Arms together with bar manager Nicola Sturgeon(51)for ten years opened up The Alba Arms opposite just the other week.

An insider told us..

"There was a lot of bad blood between him and Nicola after Alex retired and left her in charge. Eck was accused of being a bit of a sleaze and pinching all the barmaids bums on a regular basis and this was something Nicky wouldn't tolerate after 9 years and everybody found out about it so she moved fast and dobbed him in to the polis. But to her surprise and chagrin he got cleared of all charges and everyone accused her of being a hypocrite, a liar and an opportunist. So it wasn't long before Eck wasn't even welcome in his own pub so he decided to decant and set up his own. A lot of the regulars followed him."

One of the regulars and former barmaid who followed, Caroline McAllister, told The Satire ..

"The final straw for us was when Ladies night began to get gate crashed by a load of blokes in dresses all taking advantage of the cheap drink on offer. Before you knew it a wummin couldnae get a seat or even a drink. Getting to the bar was murder as it was chocka with big burly geezers wearing the most awful outfits and they just widnae move. We complained to Nicky but she just cried us aw bigots and refused to serve us. That's when we moved to the new place."

Opening up the new premises with The Proclaimers blaring in the background, Eck quoted the Declaration of Blowfroth ..

"It is no fur honour riches or even anything discernibly different from the other lot for which we fight, but for freehold alone which nae man OR WUMMIN gives up without His/Her wife. The drinks ur oan me....or they would be if we were allowed to serve any, which we aren't so time please, everybody oot".

But another former regular Wee Wullie Wallace from Elderslie commented..

This is pish. It's exactly the same as the auld pub. The beer is still shite. You've got a lager, an IPA, wan that's too citrusy, wan that's a bit like Guiness... only crap. The whole lot is undrinkable and overpriced.  The only difference is they are enforcing the Ladies night rules.

"Nonsense!" Snorted Alex Salmond. "Look at they beer mats. Completely new."

NEXT: Pub Bouncer Kenny MacAskill Buys a New Tie

"DON'T CALL ME BARONESS!" Screams Baroness

Baroness Davidson trying not to be Baronessy

A Woman of size went absolutely spare yesterday when a passerby called her a Baroness.

Baroness "anything for a photo op" Davidson (42) was posing for press pictures outside Holyrood dressed as a Matador and juggling bulls testicles on a Segway when an older person walked past and said "morning Baroness, at it again I see" while waving. 

The Woman, Flora MacTights (81) of Duddingston, was treated to a bellowing from the Baroness as she roared "DON'T CALL ME BARONESS YOU ELITIST AULD COW!!! "

"Alright, take a chill pill Mrs." Retorted the shocked octogenarian, as she fell backwards with her Zimmer frame.

"AND DON'T CALL ME MRS!" The Baroness spat furiously while giving the biddy a finishing blow to the sciatic nerve with a low kick. "MY CHOSEN PRONOUN IS J{O*(T^)&DOCFYL"

Later the Mrs MacTights was bundled into a police van and charged with an offence under the Hate Crime and Public order act.

The Baroness explained..

"What kind of sicko goes around calling a Baroness a baroness? I'm just the wee lassie from Fife via Selkirk and have worked tirelessly to shed this tory stereotype of privilege by going to Sandhurst being an Honorary Colonel and getting myself a Seat in the House of Lords. I don't need this shit."

The Baroness, who can claim up to £305 per day for sitting on a comfy chair in an unelected elitist institution, then went back to her photo shoot cartwheeling through an inflatable paddling pool of spaghetti hoops. 

The Baroness is available for Dog Walking.

NEXT: New Judge goes Radge at lawyer for calling him "M'Lud"

Shitty Skiddies Death Toll Reaches 100,000

One of the many "cases" of Shitty Scants discovered in Wishaw yesterday

From our Health Correspondent: Dr. Charles Mingin'

The Scottish Government are set to introduce new harsher control measures after deaths with shitty scants rose to 100,000 this year.

In Wishaw alone yesterday over 100 new cases of Shitey scants emerged as testing increased.

"This is Arsemageddon!" Exclaimed serial gobshite Nicola Sturgeon to a packed room of assembled credulous media fuckwits at Holyrood earlier today. She chuntered on.. "When oh when will the public realise the very real and present danger this skiddy pants epidemic presents? Accordingly I will be announcing stricter new restrictions later today and by fuck you cunts better dae as yer telt otherwise al set Humza oan yeez. Understood?"

The announcement comes as Scant deaths spiral upwards and cases of Skidmarks continue to rise despite the previous measures imposed. The harsh new rules include

- Making the wearing of your scants on the outside of yer troosers compulsory so as the polis can check them.

- Closing down of all curry houses and a ban on sales of ready meals containing curry dishes from supermarkets. Guinness and Buckfast tonic wine have been on a growing list of beverages, including coffee, to be banned.

- Scary films have been blocked on Amazon and Netflix as opposed to previously only on the cooncil telly.

- A ban on g-strings and thongs which seem to be the main cause of deaths with shite stains.

- Travel bans to India. Pakistan, Most of Asia and Africa, Venezuela and of course...Wales.

- Schoolchildren to be stopped from giving each other wedgies in the playground as teachers are becoming feart which in turn is increasing the number of cases.

However, Mail on Sunday Jeremiah Peter Hitchens tore into the new rules.

"Look, there is really no reason to believe that just because a middle aged man pulled from a canal is wearing a pair of soiled under garments, that's what he died OF. Dying WITH honking shreddies is not the same as dying OF them. Correlation is not necessarily causality. How many sodding times do I have to say that?" He thundered before launching into yet another one on Grammar schools.

Respected Epidemiologist with qualifications falling out her arse, and co-author of The Great Shartingon Declaration, Prof. Sunetra Gupta added...

"It's not really my field of expertise this one, but I have to agree with what that beardy bloke from the Daily Mail just said. It's a well known fact that when you pop your clogs you obviously lose control of your farting strings and keech your breeks. That's probably what's making the daft cunts at SAGE and that put two and two together and make five for fuck's sakes. Another thing, how can you check for skids on exterior underwear?"

But fat hypocritical Etonian, fake headline peddling, Bullingdon Club twat Piers Morgan countered ..

"These Skidiots should be made visit a morgue and have the victim's shitty undies rubbed in their selfish faces. Then they should have to stand there and try to tell the grieving families their loved ones weren't killed by a skitter. This thing is real and it's a killer. As sure as there's a basement in the Daily Mail building."

Nicola Sturgeon's announcement has been turned into a faintly amusing anal smoke blowing exercise on Youtube by Janey Godley for anyone sad enough to care.

 

Greta Thunberg Exposed as 35 Year Old Man

As Alter Ego Jones

Thunberg

There was shock in absolutely no quarters today as pint sized, baby faced, pain in the arse activist Owen Jones was exposed as Greta Thunberg.

The, in hindsight blatantly obvious, discovery was made half an hour ago by Satire Editor in Chief Tam Laird while munching a bowl of corn flakes and lazily perusing the internet in bed.

"I was lazily perusing the internet in bed, looking for porn as usual, in the interests of journalistic research naturally. I began trying to type in Greta Milos the "actress" but, embarrassingly. before I  knew what was happening there were loads of fully clothed pics of  the stunning and brave Swedish wunderbrat Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg . I was wiping milk and cereal off my computer screen. Disappointing to say the least. It was at that moment I put two and two together and realised who "she" really was. When you think of it, you've never seen those two together."

The Satire  caught up with the 35 year old lefty gobshite Jones on his way home from a BLM Transgender vegan basket weaving workshop and confronted "him" over the deception.

"How DAAAAaare you" he snarled at our reporter. "I identify as a 17 year old Swedish schoolgirl and as my Marxist principles are perfectly in line with modern environmentalist dogma there's no deception involved. Now get out of my way you bigot I have to finish my homework"

But BBC political grandee Andrew Neil hit out..

"For fucks sakes had I have known that we could have saved time and a fortune by not having to grill the cunts separately."

Owen Jones is a twat.

Activists Demand Lobey Dosser Statue be Removed

The Offending Article

Left wing activists in the city of Glasgow have demanded the removal and melting down of a fictional comic strip character's statue.

The Sheriff of Calton Creek, Lobey Dosser, pictured above on his bipedal steed El Fideldo. His nemesis Rank Bajin riding pillion, has incurred the wrath of some middle class crusties with nothing better to worry about. The character was created by Partick poet and cartoonist Bud Neill for the Evening Times in 1949 and the much loved statue created by Tony Morrow and Nick Gillon has stood in the city's Woodlands area since 1992. But all that may change if one group of social justice heroes gets it's way.

Ranting and raving and slavering like a rabid dug, 21 year old Sinead O'Harridan from a group calling itself Bland Lives Matter yelled at The Satire..

" The people of Glasgow demand the immediate removal and destruction of this disgusting racist symbol of patriarchal tyranny before we do it ourselves. This sort of so called humorous homunculus is a blot on the landscape and a stain on the reputation of the city."

Asked what exactly her travesty was zhe thundered on..

 Where do I begin? Well first off he's just another old white man with a beard. Are there no women with beards? What about Mary Beard? Ok, she might not have a beard, but she could grow one.

Secondly his nemesis is black, reinforcing the stereotypical trope that black folk are all criminals.

Thirdly he was always harassing Big Chief Toffee Teeth and his Pawnee tribe, the racist, colonialist imperialist hairy bastard.

Fourth, the character of Fairy Nuff was clearly a crack at the expense of the LGBTQ + community.

Fifth the name Lobey Dosser is highly offensive to homeless people.

Finally just look, there's two grown men on that poor horse with only two legs which is cruelty to animals and exploiting the disabled. What more do you want you fascist scum?

At that zhe kicked our reporter in the bollocks then together with Mhairi Black MP vandalised the statue.

On regaining consciousness our man on the ground asked local tradesman, and regular Satire rent- a- quote, Frankie Douglas (40) what he thought of the demands.

"Yer kiddin? Naw, seriously? Ye ur kiddin ...aren't ye? Fur fuck's sakes that mad bint isnae even fae Glesga, she moved here fae Buckinghamshire last week. What's next, take doon Desperate Dan's statue in Dundee coz he ate Coo Pies and meat is murder? Ah gie up."

First Minister and authoritarian clown Nicola Sturgeon waded into the argument.

"I think this is just ridiculous. I demand to know who put this atrocity up in the first place. I can assure my left wing voters that this disgraceful sculpture will be destroyed and it's creators prosecuted as soon as we finish ripping doon Desperate Dan in Dundee."

Nicola Sturgeon is insane.

Police Granted Powers to Make You Stand on One Leg and go Blibble Blibble Blibble

Mr. Fairweather - Blythe of Woking was "perfectly happy" to oblige

From our Legal Correspondent: Carlton Mingles Q.C

British Police have been granted new powers by parliament to help combat the spread of Covid-19.

In a special sitting last night MPs voted overwhelmingly to pass the Clearlysomethingmustbedone Act 2020, paragraph 2 subsection 3 clause c.
Effectively as of midnight last night it will be within police remit to oblige citizens to stand on one leg, put one finger in their ear and go "Blibble, blibble blibble"on their lips with the other hand.

In the wording of the act "constabulary must ensure the action is executed as prescribed, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. The index finger of the right hand in the right aural orrifice and the lips blibbled thrice with the first three fingers of the left hand. No more. No less. Failure to comply immediately and precisely will result in arrest, and conviction without trial to imprisonment for a minimum of 6 months. Heil Healthcare!"

Many opposition MPs are incensed by the legislation.
MP for Birmingham & Stalingrad Jess Phillips thundered in a faux working class accent....
 "This is far too little too late from this Tory Fascist government. Police should have been granted these powers years ago, and should go even further. Men in particular should be forced to carry out these actions wherever they are found. but it shouldn't be their fingers they should have to stuff in their misogynistic ears. It would stop them raping everything in sight, I can tell you."

Scottish First Monster Nicola Sturgeon complained..
 " This draconian legislation has been rushed through without any consultation whatsoever. It's no fair. I thought of this idea first. We were just about to implement it too when the UK parliament rushed it through. Now I have to think of some way to jock it up. Perhaps force people to wear a See You Jimmy hat and hum Floer O Scotland while they do it. "

Peter Hitchens of The Mail on Sunday blasted the government in his column stating..
 " These ludicrous and intrusive measures will have little effect on the spread of the virus. The government should concentrate on solving the whole root of the problem. The abolition of grammar schools. "

However his colleague at the Mail Piers Moron counter blasted..
 "Anyone who has the temerity to question sensible and precautionary measures such as these is quite simply a heartless bastard who wants people to die a horrible, coughing spluttering and highly politicised death. Shame on them"

When our correspondent put it to him that his mate Donald Trump was himself an initial sceptic of the voracity of the virus. Moron called him a cunt and threw him out of his Taxi.

One member of the public who's been stopped and tested 6 times already by the police was highly supportive.
 "We all have to do our bit you know. Just like the war. I'm perfectly happy to oblige as I have nothing to hide. If you aren't doing anything wrong why would you worry?"
Said 43 yo insurance broker from Surrey Rupert Fairweather- Blythe. He added..
" We should bring back National Service while we are at it. "
Asked whether he'd been in the services himself he replied..
"Yes. 14 months St. John's Ambulance." And strutted off self righteously down the Strand.

A PR spokesperson for the police told The Satire..
 "Look, these powers won't be used excessively, they will be only used in extremis. Such as when a women is seen loitering aimlessly on a railway platform.  When someone looks a bit odd. If they happen to be wearing football colours of a team that an officer doesn't like. When you're jogging less than 2m behind a fit looking bird that the officer wants to impress. Or anytime we fancy making you look a total arse."

 " Cough, wheeeeeze, splutter, cough, bleeeurgh, wiff waff. "

Said the Prime Minister(55)

"Brexit a Total Disaster" Says Posh Bint

Cornelia with her horse 'Soubry' that she "imported very cheaply from the continent"

Interview by our Chinless Wonder Correspondent: Sir Charlton Mingle-Mingleton III (MC, DSO, and BAR)

Brexit. What is it? Why is it important? Who uses it? Should we be afraid of it?

A resounding "yes!" to all three questions according to serial wife and professional clotheshorse, Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe. She pontificates condescendingly to our very own Charlton Mingle- Mingleton of that Ilk.

Satire: What's your view of what's happened so far?

Cornelia: Well it's awful, isn't it, simply awful with that frightful woman Theresa whatever her name is, just arsing everything up completely. I mean who made her in charge, with her ghastly wardrobe and gauche shoes. Well really.

Satire: Yes. Many people feel betrayed by the fact that this being one of the most decisive votes in UK history, the government is failing to carry out the clear will of the majority and...

Cornelia: Look here. All this rot about democracy is all very well but democracy should be about getting things right, and here the people quite obviously got it wrong. Who put them in charge? With their ghastly wardrobes and their gauche white vans? The vehicles I mean, not those awful shoes. And their nasty parochial bigoted views. Hugo and I live here in the Cotswolds half the year and it's very difficult to get help as it is. I mean what are we to do if we get out of Europe? 

We have a wonderful maid named .......um...well her name is perfectly unpronounceable, it's some sort of foreign name. She comes from Russia or Poland or something or other... Hugooo?! (Shouts to her husband in the next room) Where's that girl from? You know, the one who cleans up and cooks? Oh well it matters not, the point is she's very very cheap and sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs. Can I get someone local to do that? Can I buggery, so there you have it.

Satire: What's your view of what should be the next step? How should Theresa May's government proceed? Should we bite the bullet and go for no deal, or do you think another referendum is the best way forward?

Cornelia: Another vote would certainly stave things off for a while. Should that go wrong we can always do it again. Until these so called people get it right. For the love of god, it's perfectly simple. I have a Spanish gardener, I think his name is Jose, at least that's what I call him because he's always watering the plants. But the point is he's very very cheap and who else will I get to clean up my dog's shit from the patio or muck out the stables for next to nothing? I mean reaallly.

Satire: What do you say to the accusation that people like yourself are only really concerned about your own narrow self interest and don't really care about the wider implications of remaining in the EU especially for ordinary working people?

Cornelia: Working people?Well I beg your pardon but how do you think I pay for all this?( waves her hand around at the various paintings and objects d'art) My last two husbands both went bankrupt and left me with next to nothing. I'm down to only two horses in the stables, Hugo works bloody hard as an Investment Banker which, God love him, hardly pays the bills. So I have to keep up my modelling career, which of course doesn't pay what it used to thanks to competition from these Eastern European girls. I know what a hard days work is, thank you very much. I've done a couple and it's no joke.

Satire: So how do you think a no deal Brexit will affect you?

Cornelia: Well my daughter Lucy is at school in Switzerland, so christ knows what we will have to do there. Hugo and I have a second home down in the Dordogne.....or is it Alsace? (Hugo shouts through "It's both") How are we supposed to get there? Not to mention all our vineyard workers come from Romania or some godforsaken place. What do we do about that, employ French people? Fuck that! I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm jolly angry about this. This is the harsh reality that people like me are faced with when you let democracy loose on the unwashed.


Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe(33) is a fund raiser for People's Vote

"Remarkable" and Rare Photograph of Peter Hitchens Smiling Goes on Sale

Former Bolshevik Bastard Hitchens in a momentary lapse of decorum

By our Arts Correspondent: C. Mingles


A rare picture of Mail on Sunday columnist Peter Hitchens laughing is set to go on sale at Sotheby’s.

The extraordinary moment was captured by amateur photographer TonyBartley(22) who had been in the audience at a recent Question time appearance by the Bishop bothering journalist.

“I knew I was on to something special when it happened”.
Said the elated snapper on the phone to Satire art correspondent Cholmondley Mingles this morning.

“Every photographer dreams of capturing that special moment in time, and creating something Iconic. I just knew instinctively after a woman in the audience agreed with him ' heartily ' about grammar schools, that the notorious Jeremiah was about to break character and show us his pearlies. A truly remarkable incident now captured on film for posterity. A good thing too as no-one would have believed it otherwise. "

Not quite as “remarkable” as it could have been however according to Sotheby’s photo specialist Lisette Asquith. She told The Satire...

 “ At first we thought the photograph was a lot rarer as it was initially reported that he wasn’t chuntering on about grammar schools at the time of capture. I was initially sceptical about that, and my reservations turned out to be correct. A great shame as it could have fetched a much higher price at auction. Only last year a photograph of John Pilger grinning inanely and not banging on about East Timor sold to a collector in New York for $750,000. We rather hoped this one of Mr. Hitchens would have broke the Million mark. Bollocks!”

A spokesman for Mr. Hitchens said...

 "Peter is doing penance at the moment by kneeling on broken glass and flagellating himself with an old copy of The Guardian. So he can't talk. But he wishes it known that he is thoroughly ashamed of what he calls a "shameful and unforgivable display of un-Britishness and lack of dignified reserve. "

Original reports claimed that he'd been laughing at a, what turned out to be fake, news item that Russel Brand had died tragically in an horrific hairdressing accident. Though Ironically and disappointingly those turned out to be  pish as well.

Peter Hitchens is younger than you expect him to be.

Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.

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SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts

Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.

Music Business " Chuffed to Fuck" About Bowie

Bowie

Lemmy

The music industry where said to be chuffed to fuck yesterday about the death of David Bowie. The shock demise of the switch hitting songster comes hard on the heels of the recent croaking of Mortarhead front man Lenny Kravitz.

"We're Chuffed to Fuck to hear the sad news about David Bowie as this means the entire business can go into overdrive selling loads of shit. What with it being on the heels of that other bloke what died of an extremely opportune cancer of the arsehole or something. All we need now is that cunt MacCartney to shuffle off for the treble." Said silly hairdoed impressario and celebrity shitehouse Simon Cowell. While on the phone to his agent, trying to get photo ops of himself greetin' while staring wistfully at a copy of Diamond Dogs.

"This is terrible news." Chimed in Toby Shortbread the Manager of HMV on Princes St Edinburgh.
"We just got the front of shop all Motorheady with books CDs , DVDs , mugs, T-shirts , posters and other worthless shite that's been clogging up our storeroom for ages. Now we will have to clear some of that away and Get our Bowie shit together. On the bright side it's good for the tills as we usually sell fuck all after Christmas. This gives me a great chance to offload all those Blue ray DVDs of Labyrinth that I've been stuck with. They'll fucking fly out the door at a decent mark up."

Regular Satire rent a quote Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead was out shopping in The Forge when this reporter caught up with her and her six weans.

"I'm just here tae spend ma Christmas vouchers wi the weeans so am ur. I was definitely gonnae buy Munterhead's Space of Aids fur ma da so a wis. Then a saw that Munterhead made a load of other songs and even albums and got confused. Then a found oot that Bowwowwow were pan breed as well. It gave me a quandry, so a just boat Now That's What I Call An Atrocity vol 169."

BBC Radio Scotland's Vic Galloway was unsurprisingly upbeat.
"We were all ready to play a load of Motorhead stuff selected for the programme by the members of Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura and Chvrches. But theyd never heard anything other than Ace of Spades. So it was quite a relief When Mr. David Bowie esquire bit the dust. Fuck that Heavy Metal Pish."

His Radio Scotland colleague Billy Droan added.
" I'm extremely saddened to hear of the death of my good mate David Bowie. Especially after the sudden death of my bestest great pal Lenny Bruce of Monster Magnet. Now here's a track from U2."

Stockbridge rent a quote for all things muso Olaf Furniss, summed things up nicely when he oppined.
"This is tragic. I'd even say it's Pish yeah. I'm on holiday in Mexico and thought I'd nowt better to do than drink mojitos, eat veggie tacos and sun ma Peely Wally self. Now I'm going to have to knock out at least 500 words a piece to The Scotsman and The Skinny.
Inconsiderate cunts!!"

David Bowfy was 69

FUCK CECIL!!! Says Wally the Wildebeest

Wally wary of "Cunting Lions."

The remains of Wally's mate Willy after Cecil fancied a snack.

 

A wildebeest called Wally has contacted The Satire's African correspondent Chaka Mingelele to tell him he's "not giving a flying monkey's" about Cecil the Lion.

"I don't give a flying monkey's about that cunting lion or any other one for that matter. Fuck Cecil, and all his mates".

Fumed the 8 year old bovid from his bush hideout in Wankie(yes we know it's been changed to Hwange, but our correspondent assures us "it's still wankie.") game reserve in Zimbabwe. He continued...

"These crusty trustafarian cunts should walk a mile in my fucking hooves every day and see how much they think lions are cute and cuddly, and deserve not to be blasted through the brain with an elephant gun. Only the other day my mate Willy (see picture above) was standing chewing the cud and minding his own business, when that hirsute prick Cecil jumped on him and tore him to ribbons. I'm glad it took 40 hrs for the arsehole to die. I'm not speciesist or anything, but I think lions are cunts. That bloke wots a dentist from America should get a fucking medal in my book. Never mind a trophy."

Meanwhile all over the non lion infested world the twitter mob continues to rage.

"I think that bloke wots a dentist from America should be ran over with a combine harvester, fed through a shredder then fed to his wife and KIDS!?"

Said 23 year old annoying, middle class ,peace, love and wildlife activist Ginny Featheringnest- Hadley of Buckingham shire. Inflecting up at the end of every fucking hate filled sentence like she was asking a question, she chuntered on...

"I don't really know anything about this MAN!? Except that he's cruel, evil, and deserves to DIE!? But there's no excuse to shoot anything YEAH!? Except that bloke wots a dentist coz he's a CUNT!?"

Her overbearing and wealthy mother chimed in..

"We hunt foxes and pheasants in our part of the world like decent civilised people. You don't catch us hunting defenceless lions. It's a scandal and a disgrace."

Labour party MP Penny Useless (41) added her thruppenies worth.

"I know fuck all about leopards or hunting or even Africa, but this so called "dentist" should be struck off. Or whatever it is they do to dentists."

The said dentist was unavailable for comment as he and his entire family have retreated to a nuclear bunker in Texas until some cunt kills a tiger and takes the heat off him.

New MP Reveals Ambition to be a Signpost

Miss Black practising being a No Entry sign

Britain's youngest MP since Pitt the foetus has both shocked and delighted parliament by announcing a long held ambition to be a "Signpost". 

Mhairi Black, who represents Paisley and Renfrewshire South, broke the news of her shock career change of plans in her maiden speech in the house yesterday to rapturous and unnecessary applause.

Miss Black, who trounced previous Labour incumbent and pigeon impersonator Douglas Alexander at the last General Election, has not yet decided what kind of signpost she wants to be. Although an SNP insider has revealed that it will most probably be a Keep Left sign.

Mhairi is not the only SNP politician with a desire to be an inanimate object. Alex Salmond revealed recently that he longed to be a urinal in the European parliament and Nicola Sturgeon dreams of being a doormat in the same building.

The people of Paisley are still reeling from Mhairi's staggering Election result.

"Hof of us didnae even realise there wis an election oan." Said 90 year old Agnes MacTights of Ferguslie Park. "The other hof thought she wis Mary Black the folk singer,"

Mhairi Black is finishing her homework.

The Satire Backs "Awareness" Awareness the New "Awareness" Campaign

A small selection of the mind boggling array of awareness ribbons

Your favourite on line news source, The super soar away Satire, today launches it's very own self righteous awareness campaign.

Forever socially conscious, The Satire has waded in to the justice war with a blistering attack on the complete lack of awareness in today's selfish me me me society. Clearly the legacy of the Evil Mrs. Thatcher who has been pan breed for almost two years, out of office for twenty five and completely irrelevant for fifteen.

"The total absence of any sense of awareness in our modern Britain is the biggest cause of all our misery."
Claimed Satire Editor in Chief, shameless bandwagon jumper and self publicist Tom Laird.

"Consider the tragic case of regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen MacGlinchy(21)of Parkhead, who recently stuck her hand in a toaster and switched it on, apparently un "aware" that it would result in third degree burns to her fingers. The subsequent lawsuit against Scotia Appliances resulted in a massive payout, that caused the fledgling firm to dissolve into bankruptcy with the loss of 150 jobs.

Or that of Mrs. Ina MacHag(75) of Stockbridge who regularly blethers shite to the exasperated teller in the local Post Office blissfully un "aware" that a massive queue is forming out the door and up the main street.
Then there's the pitiful example of Trinny FForbes-Fuckwit(30) of Comely Bank who leaves her Golden Retriever, Poppy, tied to a bin outside Waitrose to bark incessantly while she dithers around inside over the pilau rice or couscous dilemma.

Ultimately there was the tragic case of Mr William Beveridge (Deceased) who recommended a welfare system, naively un "aware" that it would result in an entire sub class of bone idle arseholes  with dubious dress sense but a massive sense of entitlement.This has to stop."

The new awareness campaign will consist of wearing no ribbon or rubber bangle whatsoever. Forcing the smug, self righteous and fashion conscious to question ones moral standing. Thus enabling one to retort in an equally smug, self righteous and condescending manner about the new campaign. As an added bonus, due to running out of ribbon and bangle colours and combos, the "Awareness" awareness campaign will share it's platform with Flatulence Concern, Patently Obvious and Expected Adult Death Syndrome, Hemorrhoids Aid and Sexually Frustrated Teenage Laddie Relief.

The aforementioned Ms. MacGlinchy opined...

"Am a bit disappointed wi the new campaign. I like ribbons an bangles. Av goat hunners so a huv. A don't really know what they are a' fur but they go wi ma shoes an handbags."

Ms. MacGlinchy is pregnant again.

Scottish Feminists Appoint Parrot as Spokesperson

Ms MacCaw posing for the press yesterday

Scottish Feminist group SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things)announced the controversial appointment of their new spokesperson yesterday. An Amazon Blue parrot.

Ms. Davina MacCaw (49) takes over from previous spokesperson Trisha MacFrigid(fuck off or al stab ye), after she got a good bunneting from a Masai warrior on a recent charity climb of Kilimanjaro in aid of tit cancer, and married him. Mrs. Kisioki, as she is now known, was unavailable for comment, as she is not allowed to speak for her first year as junior wife and was busy getting circumcised.

Ms. MacCaw made her first statement to assembled journalists at noon today and immediately confounded her detractors. Talking from a perch outside Hollyrood..

"Squaaawk screeeetch squaaawwwk." Began Ms. MacCaw to gasps of amazement. She continued eloquently.. "Screeetch..patriarchy....squaaawk rape culture.... screech.. domestic violence.. screech screech male privilege. (Flap flap) Squaaaaawwwwwk wage gap."

Rapturous applause erupted as the parrot stopped squawking and nibbled a cuttlefish. Many women present burst into tears.

"That was the most articulate and emotionally charged presentation of feminist theory I have ever heard. Sobbed Xena MacHarridan(still NOYFB) leader of the women's group. We have certainly made an intelligent choice in Davina."

Women's issues chunterer onner Kaye Adams(52, yes fucksakes she looks older) chimed in..

" I couldn't have made those points better myself. Mair screeching and squawking are what's needed in any discourse about gender issues. Amazon Blue. How apt."

SWAMT did not have it all it's own way. Our very own Tom Laird asked the parrot to justify some of it's comments.

"Could Ms. MacCaw explain why she is still pedalling the wage gap myth that has been so thoroughly and repeatedly debunked, and don't men experience domestic violence?" He asked smugly.

The smug look disappeared however when the parrot merely repeated the same points over and over again. Only louder and with more screeching and squawking. 

The gathered feminists orgasm ed simultaneously as our man could only look on exasperated. 

Satirical Genius "F#*ked for Ideas"

Just look at him....... Fucking devoid

Satire Editor in Chief and self proclaimed satirical wunderkind Tom Laird, confessed privately to "Not having the foggiest scooby" about what his next article was going to be about.

The 47 year old dead beat told himself in the mirror, after waking up from a four day drinking binge that would have shamed Oliver Reid, "Laird you are fucking dead loss and a waste of rations."

He proceeded to gibber on..

"Look ya beardy fuckwit. It's nearly 2015 and your contribution to the world of on line humour is a grand total of four, yeah that's right, you heard, FOUR poxy articles. Hardly P.J O'Rourke or Richard Ingrams are you ya dick?"

Punching himself in the face several times he then slavered..

"Yeah I know all about your 'ideas'. We've all got ideas. How about getting them off of bits of bus ticket, post it notes, beer mats and sweety papers and actually onto your blog ya knob? LOOK!! look at this. 'David Cameron to Introduce Duck Insurance' I mean WTF!? Or this here.. 'Ian Paisley to Give Up Bellowing For Lent' .By fuck has that bus left. The man's deid two years for fucksakes. Sort yourself out."

Emerging haggard, bruised and gaunt from the 46 minute berating Mr. Laird announced..

"I can exclusively reveal that my genius will return shortly. There's a new hilarious article formulating as I speak. Fuck knows what it's going to be about. Probably feminism again. That's easy."

All Mr. Lairds fan (27) was unimpressed

Turkey Refuse To Apologise For Bumming Lawrence

T.E Lawrence able to sit down six weeks after the  incident

Turkey have caused international outrage by refusing to apologise for the bumming of Lawrence of Arabia during WW1.

"This really is a scandal and a disgrace."Claimed Foreign Secretary William Haig earlier today. "In my view there should be no further attempt to integrate Turkey into the EU until they make an unreserved apology for this affront to Britain and good taste."

Lawrence, played by the recently couped Sir Peter O'Toole in a brief interlude of sobriety, was captured by Turkish troops while reconnoitring the town of Dara'a in which he was subsequently beaten and bummed by the Bey. An incident the Turks merrily, and mercilessly, turned into a popular song to the tune of Stephen Foster's The Camptown Races. Lawrence was unable to ride a camel for two months after the event.

The Turkish government were unrepentant and indignant however.

"We certainly will not apologise for this. In fact if you mention the incident once more to us we will bum even more British officers in future." Raged Mehmet Ali Bongo. Minister for Flagrant Disregard.

Former soldier, historian and Lawrence biographer Michael Asher commented.

"You have to understand that to the Turks Lawrence facilitated the attack. Wandering around in nothing but a bed sheet in a town garrisoned by a well known race of bummers. They reckon he was asking for it. Obviously I disagree. I think they are victim blaming here.

The international furore continues.

Sweden To Be Renamed "Softkogland"

Conan joins in The Satire campaign

The flaccid member

Thanks to a long running campaign by your super soar away on line news source The Satire, the country once known to us all as Sweden will from henceforth be renamed  Softkogland.

There were jubilant scenes in Stockholm yesterday when the news was announced. 

"We are so very happy with this knew name that better reflects our country and our ethos." Said 41 year old Tilde Bolrapp Chairperson of a local women's group Splittkipper.

Sweden, that joined the EU in 1995, is known as "The Flaccid Member" due to to the country's geographical resemblance to a limp penis and the extremely high number of emasculated men found within it's population.

Moves are under way to outlaw penises completely in Sweden but until that time the only penises allowed are soft ones. The castration operation began with the removal of the Swedish army's Nordic Battlegroup's heraldic lion's rampant appendage.

"Female soldiers were extremely offended by this. You just can't be allowed to go around with a penis whenever you feel like it.Even if you are a drawing on a coat of arms." Explained 49 year old Signe Saggertits Minister for the eradication of masculinity.

Sweden has a proud History. In ancient times gangs of Swedish males would travel round  the rest of Europe on exchange visits. The visits would culminate in good natured pillage and murder and the kidnapping of all the good looking women. In exchange the "Vikings" as they were affectionately known would take a shite on the altars of churches then laughingly burn the whole edifice to the ground.

During WW2 Sweden bravely remained neutral, merely allowing the Germans to avail themselves of their road and rail network to invade their neighbour Norway. They further frustrated the Nazis by limiting the amount of iron ore they exported to the Reich to a paltry 10,000,000 tons a year. They also proudly boast an arms industry with ethics that make the Monsanto corporation seem like a charitable organisation, and a flat packed furniture export industry that's the bane of many a DIY challenged husband the world over.

Despite this, Sweden, that forces men to sit down to pee, leads the world in self righteous indignation, finger wagging  and 'right on' sensibilities.

"The present renaming of our country is only a temporary measure until we can come up with a much more accurate and deserving one. Like Vajland." Shrugged 55 year old Minister for women and Cockfinder General, Astrid Kogstander.

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Join us at The Satire as we invite you to...

The Cock Out Challenge 2014

What hundreds of blokes getting their cocks out may look like 

Satireday (see what we did there.) 7th of June 2014 sees a brand new event in The Satire, Edinburgh and alpha fuckwit diary, as we at your favourite online news source challenge you all to quite literally "get yer cocks out", in the charming dog shit strewn locale of Inverleith Park.

Approaching 40? Wife and kids leaving you? Need some validation in your middle aged crisis looming life?

Then look no further than The Satire's own Cock Out Challenge especially designed for YOU the busy executive/ teacher/ unemployed layabout of Edinburgh and beyond.

Gone...The 15 mile assault course. Missing...the gruelling 125 obstacles including pits of tar, fire, razor wire 12 ft walls and rancid piss filled ditches.  Completely absent..... the misguided need to do anything strenuous, dangerous or heroic whatsoever.

A brief 5 meter dash( more a saunter actually) from our start line at Inverleith duck pond, you will be halted by our mildly obstructive 200 meter long, 1 meter wide row of wallpaper pasting tables, where you will be encouraged to Get your Cock out. Our team of officials will measure it, and the biggest cock will be the biggest man. That's it! And of course all in a good cause.

Just listen to what Satire Editor in Chief Tom Laird(46) has to say about why he's getting his cock out this year.....

"As usual I'm trying to endear myself to a barmaid half my age in a local pub. Even though she's probably seen more helmets than Hitler, I think I'm in love. Normally I go Mountaineering, running with the bulls in Pamplona , or living among the Masai in their pest infested bomas. Fuck that! This year I'm just getting my cock out and that's that. All the money will go to cancer of the bawbag or somethin'  so what are you waiting for?"

Another bald bloke says: "Last year I went and done the Tough guy challenge and it nearly fucking wasted me. Frankly I can't be arseholed with all that running about getting tired and wet pish. I'm getting my cock out and being done with it. It's all for cunts with Alzheimer's apparently so have a go."

Jools Holland : "Unlike the slapheads above, my boogey woogey piano playing alone would be enough to get my cock sucked at the drop of a hat. But I need some reassurance. I bought myself a Harley Davidson a couple of years back but that one's old hat. I don't really fancy traipsing about a freezing cold mud drenched bog in my shorts, so I'm just getting my cock out. It will help the darkies so join in.

So there you have it. Don't say the cock out challenge is not for you. It's for every man* who needs to feel that he can still get a shag. Fill in our entry form today and join us on the 7th of June in Inverlieth park for cock fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------    tear off and return to The Satire offices

Dear The Satire!

I am a man with incredible insecurity  issues. Please enrol me in your big alpha male fuckwit fest this year.

I enclose the sum of £30.00. Which I understand includes my enrolment fee, and a T-Shirt bearing the legend "COC 2014 - I got my cock out in Inverleith and didn't get arrested."**

I also understand that any money that may be left over will go to bongo bongo land, sick bairns, tit cancer, cripples or some fucking thing like that.

I furthermore understand that this might all go horribly wrong for me and may spend the rest of my life as an object of ridicule. Possibly having to move to some godforsaken part of the planet and live in a cave. I absolve The Satire and all it's associates of all liability.

Signed -----------------------------------------

*Disclaimer.  While we invite applications from females we must advise you that you may be at somewhat of a disadvantage at the measuring.

**Police Scotland advise that getting your cock out in Inverleith Park at any other time may result in arrest. Especially under heterosexual circumstances.