Student Not Doing Gap Year

(Above: The kind of student Japes Lucy can't be arsed with)

(Right: Lucy- not being arsed)

An Edinburgh University student has astounded all her friends at the Student Union by announcing she intends to take up employment immediately and can't be bothered her arse to go traipsing off round the world.

Lucy Fairbairn (22) had everyone aghast with her repeated assertion that she had absolutely nothing to prove and had had enough shagging and pissing it up while she was at uni.

" I had enough shagging and pissing it up while I was at uni." She confidently told The Satire, then added. "All this galavanting round the world is just an excuse not to face up to reality and get on with being an adult. Besides, I'm an attractive, sexy, well balanced and bright young women who is not at all fat arsed and frumpy with no personality. I get crates of cock right here in Edinburgh. Why would i want some chancing passport chasing Lothario from bongo bongo land pawing me and trying to make 'jiggy-jiggy'. It's ludicrous."

Penny Worthinton (23) Lucy's less attractive and slightly overweight friend disagreed and thinks she is mad. " I think she is mad. She worked bloody hard to get her law degree yeah, and now she is going to squander it by getting a job. I think she will find it difficult as most top companies these days very much expect a big gap on your CV that's full of stories about helping black people and stuff. They lap that kind of shit up you know."

Hector MacDonald (46) of Edinburgh legal firm, Shyster Macdonald & Charlatan emphatically concurred with that. " I know that we certainly would never consider taking on someone who hadn't done the gap year thing. Ideally we want someone who has swanned about the world for two. This tells us that their parents are probably wealthy and, if it's a young lady, they are probably up for it as well. You can't really go about these days bragging about your car or the size of  your house as everyone will know you're a tosser. So in order to trump your mates it's all about where you've been, and what obscure ethnic groups you put up with in a hovel for weeks. I think she should reconsider."

Miss Fairbairn was as determined as ever when we spoke to her yesterday. " Look If I really want to help people there are plenty of people here I can assist. Especially with my legal skills. If it's exotic locations you are after, I will be raking it in as a lawyer so I can travel in style instead of having to tolerate a bunch of sweaty farting Australians in a grubby dorm.

Miss Fairbairn is ex directory.

Scotia Blend Launch Swarfega Tea

(Pictured  Left: Mmm Heavy Duty. Above : A chimp gives seal of approval. Right: A mug of the new blend.)

World famous Glasgow tea company Scotia Blend have sensationally thrown their hat into the highly competitive luxury flavoured tea ring, with their newly launched Swarfega Tea.

The company based in the East End of the city made the announcement yesterday at the RMT Union Club in Bridgeton, to a crowd of over 1500 cheering mechanics and 300 labourers.

"We at Scotia Blend believe that this is a landmark in our 100 year history. What better way to mark our centenary, than with a new flavour we believe will out sell Earl Grey, Chamomile and even bog standard Typhoo within a couple of years." Thundered Scotia's National Product Director Archie MacPhee into a whistling, crackling P. A system.

Frankie Douglas(26) a tyre fitter from Partick enthusiastically gave Swarfega Tea the thumbs up. He told The Satire, "This is just fantastic news. You just can't beat a manky mug of tea. It's rare. At least in the workplace that's not a problem as most of our cups and mugs are practically marinated in Swarfega, but when you get home at night you miss that. I tried bringing a bogging mug back form work but the wife went spare. This way i can enjoy tea the way i know and love it in the comfort of my own settee. Nothing quite beats the aromatic flavour, though I admit some herbal teas come close."

Asked whether the wider public outside the auto shop would wholeheartedly embrace the new product Tommy MacAvoy, Scotia's International Sales Coordinator , had this to say. " I believe so.  Even when you consider labourers, sewage workers, and painters and decorators. There is a wealth of people who developed a taste for this kind of thing, while sitting for hours in a Kwick Fit waiting room as a ten minute job dragged out all day."

The Head Keeper of the Primate enclosure at Edinburgh zoo had deep reservations about the new tea however. " There's nothing a chimp loves more than a nice cup of char to stave of the stress, boredom and insanity of prolonged captivity in a confined space, as you know. Except of course  masturbating frantically in front of groups of schoolkids and affronted teachers. But anyway, I have to say our monkeys loved it instantly. But it did give them the most terrible shits and we've spent all day cleaning up the mess, as well as having to hospitalise three of the buggers. It makes life so much harder for the keepers. The kids love it though."

Scotia Blend are unfazed by this though as most mechanics have a much stronger constitution than chimps. So confident are the company in the success of the venture that they already have a whole range of follow up products in the pipeline including:

• Swarfega Tea with a hint of diesel oil
• Swarfega Tea with white bits
• Decaf Swarfega Tea with overpowering saccharine
• Turpentine Coffee
• Sugar with big brown lumps through it  

As well  as the new flavours Scotia have also announced a new line of accessories such as chipped, heavily tannin stained, greasy mugs. Sugar and powdered milk encrusted spoons, and a range of Titty Calenders with big grubby fingermarks and badly drawn cocks.

(Editor's Note: If you are a small child worried about the fate of Coco, Smeato and Banjo. Fear not. The zoo assure us that Coco is coming round, and two new baby chimps are currently being tranquilized and crated up in Burundi as we write this.)

Madonna Set to Adopt Guy Ritchie

In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she will first divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.

It is thought that as part of the settlement Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, only speak when spoken to and will have to ask permission before being excused from the dinner table. Most importantly though, he will have to get Madonna’s written permission before making any more of his really fucking shitty movies.

If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money - and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.

Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake, cor blimey so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.

When our reporter cornered Madonna outside her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.

*I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ - ed.

Ayrshire Man Finds Richard Digance Funny

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                       (  Above: A typical reaction to one of Digance's hilarious monologues on Countdown)

  (Left: Richard Digance  in a pose designed to lead you to believe he hitchhikes round his UK tour like a troubadour. Out of Shot: His  Jaguar )

A 48 year old man from Mauchline has astounded family, friends and the Nation alike by claiming he finds Richard Digance "very amusing."

The shock revelation came about when Davey Spiers was round at his in laws last Tuesday afternoon. Mr. Spiers's Mother in Law, Grace Collins (68) explained to The Satire.

" The whole family were round and the kids were not long in from the school. I just settled down with a cup of tea and a Carmel wafer to watch Countdown when yon Richard Digance came on to do one of his stories about his dog. I lifted the Remote to switch it over when Davey shouted, 'no leave him he's quite amusing at times!' Well I'll tell you, you could have heard a tenner drop. We all just stared at him incredulously as he went on to say, ' No seriously, he's a real hoot just listen.' He then proceeded to piss himself laughing as Digance droned on for what seemed like an eternity about squirrels and nuts and how much cleverer his dog was than him, which at least sounded plausible. It was surreal. He didn't sing though so thank the Lord for small mercies."

The news quickly spread about the village like wildfire, then to neighboring villages and then pretty soon the phone lines here at The Satire were jammed as thousands of people called to report the phenomena. The Satire's top reporter called Charlie, Charles "Charlie" Mingles, had this to say about the incredible discovery.

" People who have never heard of me in this small dreary backwater, that doesn't sell decent coffee and took me half a day to find. Have been in a state of total shock at the fact they are suddenly in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Before Digancegate, the media had only ever mentioned Mauchline in light of an obituary or an occasional chip pan fire. Last Tuesday just after tea time, all that tragically changed."

Richard Digance (60) the self styled "Master of Nostalgic Comedy"(many have quipped that he makes you wish Arthur Askey was still alive), came to prominence on returning to the U.K in the 70's from touring America . Whilst there he had supported Steve Martin, appearing down the bill in between a Marcel Marceau impersonator and Jurgen Hoddler and his Yodelling Youngsters. A Swiss version of The Osmonds that played alpine horns. Digance died on his arse. Back in the U.K Digance became known for his TV "specials", 'A Dabble with Digance' (BBC 1984), 'Abracadigance' (BBC 1988), 'Indegestdigance' (QVC 1991) and 'A Dental visit with Digance' (Radio St. Kilda 2005). 

Despite his many many detractors, some of whom claim he makes Giles Brandreth seem like Bill Hicks at his best , Digence has built up quite a follower in England. Many suspect he works for Channel 4, where Digance controversially beat off a challenge from Frank Bruno for the coveted 'Dictionary Corner' guest slot on Countdown, alongside that bird who's not Carol Vorderman. Many insiders on the show claim that is the reason behind the sharp exit of Des Lynam from the programme and that Carol Vorderman turned down another £6,000,000 rather than "have to pretend to laugh at one more single fucking turgid anecdote from the twat." Even Des O'Conner who would snap his farting strings at the sight of a gate swinging has remained steadfastly poker faced at Digance's feeble attempts at repartee. Prompting, Some say, his intended departure from Countdown leaving C4 struggling to find another presenter called Des. Former Countdown cameraman Ed Hollings told The Satire ."It has even been known for Rick Wakeman to have Carol giggling her knickers off for fucksakes, but Digance struggles for a forced smile. His sodding Alsatian would make a better guest."

One man however remains firmly in Digance's camp. " I think he's an uproar." Claimed Davey at his home yesterday. " You should have heard the one he told yesterday, about dropping his spoon in a cafe then having to get ano....................." He trailed off as our man Mingles lost the will to live.

Richard Digance was unavailable for comment as he was on a cruise ship.

Thank Fuck!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Dangerous New Toy On Shelves

The governement was today warning of a dangerous new Christmas toy on the shelves, which could damage children if played with in the wrong way.

The Fisher-Price ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can slice a man in two with just one blow - but the manufacturers say that used sensibly it can bring even very young children hours of fun.

Company spokesperson Davie Donaldson told us, ‘This news scare is just nonsense. Under proper supervision, the ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can be used by children between 3-7 years to harmlessly slice tin cans, furniture and pets clean in two! The very idea that they would use it on themselves or their parents is patently absurd.’

This is the second of such scares in as many years. Last year Fisher-Price released their controversial baby-garrote, inspired by an episode of The Sopranos.

A spokesman for The Trading Standards Office told us, ‘ This is all part of the tradition at this time of year. We know it’s the run up to Christmas when these crazy scare stories start to appear. Besides, only a handful of working-class babies strangled their mothers last year - and most of them were lone parents. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

Puppy Sales Up 300 Percent

Sales of puppies have gone up 300% in Scotland since Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech earlier in the week.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘I’m very gullible and believe all my problems will be solved by buying a puppy. Just like yon coloured-fella who works in the White House.’

Unfortunately, the increase in new puppy sales has been exactly cancelled out by folk taking back their old puppies.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen MCGlinchie told us, ‘ I’m very gullible and was so inspired by yon coloured fella’s speech about change that I decided to swap the puppy for a new DVD-recorder instead. I’m still not happy. Cage the black beast, I say.’

Kirkcaldy Finally Returns Brown's Calls

( Above: Gordon Brown: Making an arse of things at a BNP meeting by mistake.  And: Wee Gordy: Dogging double Maths in his Youth)

After nearly two years, almost 19,000 texts and a staggering 8,000 messages left on answering machines, Kirkcaldy has finally acknowledged the PM.

Kirkcaldy's Provost Gerry MacFlounder seated underneath a giant makeshift picture of the PM, speaking exclusively, and a bit like private Fraser from Dads Army, to The Satire explained.

 "We all love Gordon here in Kirkcaldy. He's frae here ye ken that son? We're a' affy proud o him.

His faither wis a meenister ye ken. Oh aye we're a fond o' oor Gordy as we like to call him again round this wiy."

These comments were echoed through the streets and amusement arcades of the Kingdom of Fife's bustling metropolis today from young and old alike. Mrs Margaret McHairnet(58) said of him, "Mister Broon is an inspiration to my four grandsons who all took up heroin addiction during his tenure. Thanks to him there's no shortage of squats for them to live in. A blessing on his sonsie face.......Dae ye fancy a shag son? £ 10."

Wattie Payton(23), speaking outside one of the towns many new Cash Converter stores proclaimed. "We were all shite-ing a brick there for a while, thinking that Kirkcaldy's favourite son might be a bit of an erse as well as making a giant cunt of the economy an that, but thanks to  what ever it was he done we all think he is great again." Behind him the entire population of Kirkcaldy broke out in a huge chorus of "A Gordon for me."

Things however, were not always thus. Barely 3 months ago it was near impossible to find a single soul in Fife let alone Kirkcaldy to even let on he existed.

"Gordon who? Brown...brown....brown...mmm  no definately no. Try next door." Said his parents from the steps of their humble manse.

Unconfirmed reports from sources inside Kirkcaldy Town Hall claimed that the phone was "ringing off the hook day and night. We all knew it was him, even though he would withold his number and sometimes even pretend to be a double glazing salesman to anyone stupid enough to pick up the receiver. We were under strict instructions to rubber ear the cunt. "

Provost MacFlounder nervously laughed off the allegations. "Not at all, not at all." He quipped while scrubbing anti Brown graffiti off the Town hall steps. "That was all a big misunderstanding. We thought it was another Prime Minister Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy entirely."

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was on a Giant yacht with Duncan Bannatyne and some Russians.