Idiot Calls For Resignation Of Oaf

Kent threatens to "come over there and knock your c**t in Millaband!"

Janet Ringpiece (a feminist)

Justice Minister Clarke Kent was both called upon to resign and called "a dick" in Parliament yesterday.


The call was made by Wallace from Wallace & Grommet-a-like and opportunist mangina, Glenn Millaband after Mr. Kent seemed to make out that some crimes were a great deal more serious than others.
 His calls were echoed by thousands of hairy arsed harridans. One of whom, Janet Ringpiece (49) ,raged at The Satire " Theft is theft. To suggest that the man who sneaks over my garden wall and helps himself to a pair of my generously proportioned and deliberately unattractive knickers off my washing line, is any less a criminal than the man who breaks into my bedroom, bludgeons me in the face with a claw hammer, then makes off with all my life's savings, is absurd. They should all be castrated. Especially that fat twat Kent."

Mr Kent stood by his principles and was unmoved until it looked like he might lose his rather lucrative position. "Look here." He said, not pointing anywhere in particular, "I'm not going to apologise to anybody over this but I am extremely sorry to anyone to whom I caused offence and who's popularity in the polls might drop as a result of these remarks that I don't apologise for. I'm certainly not going to resign over it I can guaranfuckintee you that." He growled. He then received a mobile phone call from David Cameron and looked a bit worried.

Edinburgh Tram Project Scaled Down: Completion Date 2025

          The New scaled down version of the controversial Tram Project. "Marvelous"


Edinburgh City Council announced among great fanfare today that the hitherto ill fated Tram Project was well and truly "Back on Track". ( Pun totally intended")
Edinburgh City Council Transport Convener Davy Donaldson made the announcement from his holiday home somewhere in the Caribbean (attempts to find the exact whereabouts have proved difficult).

" This should wipe that smug grin off the face of those naysayers who naysayed things and that about us being able to finish this and stuff. It may well be scaled down to a miniature railway and  run round and round the castle instead of to The Royal Infirmary and the airport and useful places. But the kids will love it and coming in at only several Gazillion Pounds above budget, I think we can all agree it's a marvelous achievement that should make our children and grandchildren proud. Especially when they are to young to understand the issues involved. There will even be a funny wee man in a Casey Jones type outfit handing out the tickets and pointing out places of interest like ...er...The Castle and ..er ..yon kind of thing." He then shouted "Look there's Sean Connery!!" Then ran away when we turned round.

One of the naysayers was one Mrs. Margaret MacTights of Saughton. "This is a fuckin giant bucket of monkey shite." Spat the bespectacled octogenarian . God forgive me and excuse my language but If that cunt Donaldson was here instead of In Antigua spunkin away ma cooncil tax money on paragliding and and snortin' lines of chang off of black hookers's tits. I'd ram this zimmer that far up his colon, he'll think rippin up the tram lines in Princes Street is a cheap and relatively simple operation. Do any of yous know how to download porn onto this computer thing?"

A planned protest against the project was cancelled earlier this week when absolutely no fucker could get near the town for abandoned tram works.

Mags MacTights is 89, recently widowed and "chokin for darkies".

Man Mortified at "Knocking One Out" to Mary Portas

    

                                           Mary: Queen of Cock

An Edinburgh man was black affronted yesterday to discover himself having a good old tug to Mary 'Queen of Shops 'Portas.

"I'm somewhat confused and slightly disgusted over the whole incident". Claimed the ruggedly handsome and libidinous Editor of the world famous The Satire! from his festering pit earlier this evening. "I mean I always considered her a bit of a munter and borderline boiler. Imagine my surprise when she popped up inexplicably in my mid day wank fantasy. 

I woke up about 11:50 am after a hard night on the lash. I'd been having a horny dream involving The Pussycat Dolls and a bottle of baby oil. I found myself starting out with my usual gentle lazy strum, building up to a decent rhythm with Demi Moore doing striptease for me. Then out the blue, just as I'm reaching the vinegar strokes to Britney Spears, Mary fuckin Portas pops into mind. Bending over the bonnet of her Audi A4 cabriolet with her mini skirt hitched up, giving me that come hither look they always give you just before you get arrested, and berating me for not presenting my member in a clean, professional and business like manner. Well I just couldn't stop myself. Before you could say 'unique selling point' I was pummeling her up the wrong un as she protested 'call that a good hard shag? I've had better on a wet Wednesday round the back of Top Shop.'

Well I must say, the worst part is that I've never had such a volcanic orgasm. The penguin walk to the toilet has never been so tricky. I have had a few dodgy ones in the past, you know the odd cartoon character (Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit etc.), I even had a quick one to Tracy Emin and just recently Kirsty Allsop. But this really is a new low.

I just hope that the whole episode doesn't end up posted on some online satirical blog. I'd be ruined.

Tom Laird is 43 and unsurprisingly single.

NHS Scotland Appoint New Chief Executive

                       (Sir Lancelot MacSpratt MBE, OBE, DSO and Bar.)


First Minister Alex Salmond has approved the appointment of a new Chief Executive for the health service in Scotland.


Sir Lancelot MacSpratt has replaced the previous post holder, Dr.Kevin Woods who MacSpratt has tactfully described as "a complete arse!!!". Minister for Health Nicola Sturgeon has also given her approval.
 The Former Consultant and Surgeon will begin work immediately. His many duties will include being sarcastic and condescending whilst charging around bullying, and bellowing at underlings and the lower orders in general.

Sir Lancelot has a long and distinguished history in this field having starred in many Doctor at Large type movies where he was the terror of Dirk Bogarde, Leslie Phillips and a string of pretty actresses respectively.

" YOU BLITHERING IMBECILE!!" He roared down the phone at our Health Correspondent earlier today. He continued gruffly " Have you the foggiest notion what blessed time it is? Now listen here my good man, I happen to work for a living and have better things to do with my time than stand around chit chatting on the dashed telethingy with the likes of you. Do I make myself crystal clear?"
He then slammed the receiver down on the fingers of a junior Doctor and marched off purposefully to some rousing background music.

James Robertson Justice is Deceased.

Kay's Bar In Reasonably Priced Booze Shock!!!

(Above: JF fellates the pump in a vain attempt to solicit a tip from a gay millionaire )

The Revelation that a popular New Town Bar is to start selling affordable booze has caused outrage among at least six people.
"This is an outrage" Bellowed multi millionaire insider trader and former guest of Her Majesty,Major(Rtd)Rupert Morningside-Bently. "Before you know it the place will be full of rum types. Drinking lager, wearing overalls and farting while they sing poor quality soccer chants. Instead of decent well bred types in chords and brogues, farting along in unison to raucous and stout hearted rugger songs. I don't come here to sip a pink gin and trawl the personal columns of The Telegraph, so that my Spaniels can rub shoulders with the great unwashed. It's political 'what have you' gone mad. "DAAaaamnation!!" He roared, brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse&Hounds magazine and tripping over a black Labrador.

The Satire put the Majors point of view to a gentleman behind the bar who appeared to have just completed a triathlon wearing a shirt, tie and apron. Identifying himself only as "Jeff" and speaking for some bizarre reason in a comedy Allo Allo accent he told us .."Mon Dieu! Zut Alors! Fucksakes even! Eef zey don't like eet zey can fuck off. In fact what's eet to you? You can fuck off as well and take zees fucking Poodle with you. I have been tripping over the bastard all day."

Scottish Justice Minister, Commie killjoy and puritanical arsehole Kenny MacAskill was similarly upset. Speaking from his mansion and glugging Chateau Lafite 1787 he slurred. "We just can't have thish kind of behaviour. Before you know it we'd be letting dangerous terrorists out the jail."

Some found themselves disagreeing with the Major. German dissident, Big Yin/ Sammy Hagar Impersonator and regular drinker, Graf Olaf Von Furniss for example. Standing on the head of a Pekingese he ventured. "I disagree with that cunt yeah. I think it's a top Idea. Not only can I wash down an unfeasible amount of nuts with an affordable pint, but Glenrothes Whiskey is blindingly cheap to. Can I just add that Scotmid are total arseholes". Asked about what his Grandfather did during the war he coughed and claimed he'd been "on urlaub in Ibiza" at the time. Then made a sharp exit.

The news is a welcome breath of fresh air for this online Editor. I normally would have to save up my giros for weeks to have a drink in Kay's. Now I can mix with the upper crust boldly. After all if it wasn't for cunts like them. Cunts like me wouldn't have any houses to burgle. So here's to them."

Last word on the matter goes to the hitherto bellicose Major. "Well it's a sign of the times." He sighed philosophically. "I suppose you need somewhere to keep the riffraff out of The Canny Man's."

Graf Olaf Von Furniss is 103 apparently. (Hilarious.....isn't it.)

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2010 Already Pretty Shite

(Below: Our artists impression

of the yawning black chasm that is 2010.. Tate Modern)

(Right: The steaming pile of shite that was 2009)

Only three days in and the New year is shaping up to be every bit as wanky as the old one, according to an Edinburgh man.

Tom Laird(42.75), the Editor of a mildly amusing, staggeringly unpopular online satirical magazine and well known miserable cunt, made his assessment at 13:00 hrs today. "I got up early feeling completely knackered and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that the weather was utterly rancid. I then discovered I didn't have any milk and had to walk round to the robbing bastard corner shop to get some. Then I returned home to find that I had left the Corn Flakes packet open to the air causing them to go soggy. I also made the mistake of checking my mail box and learning I owed practically every fucker in the world money. It was at that moment, precisely 55 minutes after getting out of bed, I decided that despite every one's cheery predictions, 2010 was definitely going to be a big fucking barrel of monkey spunk. It can fuck off."

All over Edinburgh, and indeed the rest of the planet, it simultaneously dawned on millions of people that Mr. Laird was spot on. In the West Bank and Gaza thousands of Arabs awoke to discover their country was still being run by a bunch of half arsed morons who couldn't produce a viable budget or get the bins emptied.

In the USA the population realised that their country was still dissolving into bankruptcy.

In France millions wept at the realisation they were French.

And in the Ukraine the entire population stuck their heads in the oven trying to gas themselves, discovering to their chagrin that the Russians had cut them off again.

"It's just not on." Complained the infuriatingly handsome but insufferable Laird. "On top of all this pish I have to go to work tomorrow."

Millions of cheery bastards were unavailable for comment as they were busy embezzling.