Ask The Doctor.

                     

Each week your favourite on line news source brings you top notch medical advice from a high profile celebrity Doctor. This week Dr. Christian Szell off of The Marathon Man answers all your dental related queries in his own inimitable and chilling fashion. So without anymore ado let's literally get on with it. 

Q. Dear Herr Doktor,

     My brother was recently run over in a car accident carrying the keys to a safe deposit box in Switzerland. In that box are over $100,000,000 in diamonds. I'm also having terrible problems with my wisdom teeth giving me gyp. To complicate matters even further I am a high profile Nazi war criminal hiding out in S. America. What I need to know from you is, is it safe?    Werner Von Abwehr,  Paraguay

A. Ja, Ja! Ist ein teaser. Vot I would do is tie someone to ein chair and go to work on zem vith a pair of pliers. The results however are disappointing, as zey often tell you what zey sink you want to know just to avoid the pain. Might I suggest ein cup of tea und ein friendly chat. Und if zat does not work. Knock zem out with ketamine in their tea. Und ven zey come round.Go to work on them with ein pair of pliers and ein Black und Decker drill. 

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm having a devil of a time trying to find a dentist In Edinburgh. Do you accept NHS patients.  Mrs I. MacTights. Saughton

A. Nein! I'm strictly ein private practice.

Q. Dear Doctor Szell,

     I'm thinking of quantitatively easing billions of pounds into the economy to try and prevent a double dip. Is it safe?

     G. Osborne. Westminster

A. Nein! It never worked for der fatherland in the 1930's

Q. Dear Dr. Szell,

     I wonder if in all the years you were in hiding if any of your mates thought it was hilarious to call you "Soft Szell" and sing Tainted Love whenever you were around?  Marc Almond.  (Address withheld)

A. Ha ha ha ha! Ja, ja sehr gut! Ja zat insufferable bastard Martin Bormann used to do that all the time. Der cunt didn't sink it voz zat funny when I knocked him out with ketamine in his tea, tied him to ein chair and went to work on him ven he came round with ein pair of pliers und ein hand drill with a windy handle on it. Ze squeaking alone drove him mad. As ein serendipity I subsequently discovered he was ein Soviet spy as well.

Q. Dr. Szell,

     I couldn't help admiring that retractable dagger you keep up the sleeve of your jacket for slashing the throats of nosey and accusatory ex concentration camp inmates. What I want to know is, has it ever popped out unexpectedly and embarrassingly at an inappropriate moment?  Anders Behring Breivik.  Norway

A. Ja! Once on ein Lufthansa flight out of Frankfurt Main a buxom stewardess bent over me to help me find mein seat belt giving me ein fine eyeful of her wunderbar tits. I had absent mindedly left mein fly open und Mein Gott!! Aus popped ze old schlanger auf die hosen. Alle ist well zat ends well. She gave me ein terrific noshing due to mein celebrity status... Ah Wait! I see vot you mean. You mean ze dagger. Ha ha I do love ein gut double entendre.

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm currently on the train from Surbiton to Waterloo doing the Daily Telegraph crossword and wonder if you could help me with 14 down. The clue is "Strong box with a combination lock for keeping valuables". Four letters ending in 'E'. Is it safe?  Major E. Southby Taylyor . via e-mail

A. Ja! Idiot!

Q. Dr. Szell,

     Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like my late uncle Charlie?  Ms R. Young. Blantyre

A. Nein!

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm a newly wed man and I'm finding it difficult to convince my young bride to perform fellatio upon me. I love her dearly and do not wish for this to come between us. I've tried covering it in chocolate but to no avail. Any advice? HRH Prince Wiliam.

A. Arschloch! I'm Herr Doktor Christian Szell. Not Dr. Fucking Ruth. Vot ze hell do I care? Knock ze bitch out with ketamine  or rohypnol.Ven she comes round go to work on her with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill till she complies.

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I am a 44 year old man. I saw my GP recently and was shocked when he ordered me to bend over and stuck his index finger up my arse. Is this normal, but most importantly is it safe? T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Zis is not mein area of expertise, not involving ein pair of pliers or ein drill. But I know enough to confidently assure you it is both safe und perfectly routine in a man your age.

Q. What? In the checkout queue in Waitrose? Barrroom Tchh!!! T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Imbecile! Ze old ones are der best is zat not so?

Q. Liebe Herr Doktor,

     I was recently force fed a load of precious stones at gunpoint by Dustin Hoffman. It's playing merry hell with my movements. I haven't been able to have a crap properly for weeks now. I've been eating All Bran and prunes for days. Nothing! What say you?  Angela Merkel . Der Deutchen Bundestag

A. Schweinhund!!! Zat prick is always doing zat. Try an extra strong curry followed by some Jaaps. That got me going but zey really make your eyes water on the way out I can fucking tell you. Might I suggest the next time you see him you knock him out with ketamine, tie him to a chair till he comes round zen go to work on him with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill.

That's all from the very busy psychopath. If you have any further questions for the good Doctor please put them in the comments section below and Dr. Szell will do his utmost to reply in between bouts of grisly torture.

Next Week.....  Dr. Ian Paisley

     

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

  (Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!

In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work". 

Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.

"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .

Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Gordon Lightfoot Finds Someone Creeping Round His Back Stairs

                                  ( Gordon Lightfoot: "Surprisingly unfazed")

Canadian troubadour Gordon Lightfoot found someone creeping round his back stairs yesterday evening yet remains disappointingly and surprisingly unfazed by the incident.


At 18:00 Hrs Eastern Standard Time (around dusk) yesterday evening, Corporal Marty 'Moose' MacGonagal,of 'A' Division Ontario RCMP took the call.
"We received the call telling us that Mr. Lightfoot had reported a disturbance and a possible intruder on the stairs at the rear of his Condo. My partner Constable Larson and I just stared in horror at each other. My God, I thought. Gordon's been banging on for years aboot how someone should 'take care!' if he ever foond them creeping aroond his back stairs. Frankly we expected a bloodbath. Or at the very least we'd find someone beaten to death with an acoustic guitar eh. We flew along that 401 to Mississauga at top speed eh.

But when we arrived at the condo we just foond Mrs. Lightfoot looking a bit like a queen in a sailor's dream pointing oot a man wandering away doon the street. She was quite agitated and I couldn't help feeling she wasn't saying what she really meant. However when we stopped the man, sure enough he had indeed been at Gordon's residence, but had a reasonable enough explanation. When I told the guy who's stairs he'd been on he nearly shit himself. It was a close call. Mr. Lightfoot just sat on his balcony the whole time looking surprisingly unfazed and singing 'If you could read my mind'. Which I suppose could be a bit sinister but all in all it was somewhat of an anti climax."

Gordon Lightfoot is 73 and pisses all over Alanis Morissette's whiny shite.

Vladimir Putin Finally Cuts to the Chase and Gets His Cock out

(Photo of "Putin's Penis" released by his PR man.  Above: Putin indulging in various vicarious Cock Out pursuits)




Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister and savior has finally stopped arsing around with a load of macho posturing and got his cock out, once and for all proving beyond doubt what a big man he is.

That is according to a photo released by his PR Agency yesterday. The move comes amid calls from millions of bored Russians, sick to their tits of his macho antics, to just get it out and be done with it.

"I'm sick to my strategic tits of his macho antics." Groaned former world chess champion an political hopeful Gary Kasparov. "What bloody difference does it make to how well he can run the country? All that chest beating eh? What I want to know is why he won't play me at chess. Come on then. Let's have you Vlad. If you think you are hard enough. Let's see your moves. Ok, what about Draughts? Connect Four? Fuck it let's see who can pee the highest up the wall". He then made chicken noises and walked away doing a Norman Collier impression.

Mr. Putin is not the first Russian leader to demonstrate a direct link between cock and power. Ivan IV "The Terrible" would dispatch his dreaded Oprichniki to ride the length and breadth of the land waving a black banner bearing a "likeness" of Ivan's massive member at the peasants and nobles alike.

Potemkin would oft times sweep imperiously through the court of Catherine the Great, his cock trailing majestically and nonchalantly along the floor behind him. Sometimes with an enraptured Catherine still clinging to it. Much to the chagrin and consternation of her assembled nobility and clergy.

Stalin the "Georgian Ogre" was famed for his monster dong,due in no small measure to his own propaganda. On his death his penis was cut off and mummified for posterity and measured 11 inches long. New evidence suggests that his real phallus was taken to a secret location in a wood outside Ekaterinburg and cremated in a sardine tin of vodka, then replaced by Rasputin's.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment as he was wrestling a crocodile, naked, in a wolf pen watched by a group of Siberian schoolgirls.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)






(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)

Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.

The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.

"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.

News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.

"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.

Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.

Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra. 

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin

             
                       (She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)

                                   
                             (Madeley)


(Softcock)


Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.

Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.

"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.

They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.

The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male.  He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.

The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."

Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"

Idiot Calls For Resignation Of Oaf

Kent threatens to "come over there and knock your c**t in Millaband!"

Janet Ringpiece (a feminist)

Justice Minister Clarke Kent was both called upon to resign and called "a dick" in Parliament yesterday.


The call was made by Wallace from Wallace & Grommet-a-like and opportunist mangina, Glenn Millaband after Mr. Kent seemed to make out that some crimes were a great deal more serious than others.
 His calls were echoed by thousands of hairy arsed harridans. One of whom, Janet Ringpiece (49) ,raged at The Satire " Theft is theft. To suggest that the man who sneaks over my garden wall and helps himself to a pair of my generously proportioned and deliberately unattractive knickers off my washing line, is any less a criminal than the man who breaks into my bedroom, bludgeons me in the face with a claw hammer, then makes off with all my life's savings, is absurd. They should all be castrated. Especially that fat twat Kent."

Mr Kent stood by his principles and was unmoved until it looked like he might lose his rather lucrative position. "Look here." He said, not pointing anywhere in particular, "I'm not going to apologise to anybody over this but I am extremely sorry to anyone to whom I caused offence and who's popularity in the polls might drop as a result of these remarks that I don't apologise for. I'm certainly not going to resign over it I can guaranfuckintee you that." He growled. He then received a mobile phone call from David Cameron and looked a bit worried.