Police raided the North Pole home of rotund Winter Festival celebrity Father Christmas this morning and seized his computer, toys and around 40 tonnes of children's letters.
"We've been aware of Mr Claus' suspicious behaviour for a while now and decided to act before it was too late," said Chief Inspector Alastair Witchunt from The North Pole Constabulary.
"From encouraging kids to send him letters - 'Saville-style', to turning up unannounced in children's bedrooms in the dead of night and most damning of all, deciding who gets a reward based on whether they've been a 'good little boy or girl' - using his own ambiguous and unexamined criteria, of course. It's textbook grooming behaviour."
Defending Mr Claus, Head Elf Sebastian T Laird told us," This really is taking the f**king piss. What the F**K do they think they're playing at, the daft c**ts?! The power has gone to their f**king heads. This is our busiest time of year as well. Stupid c**ts. Well, f**k them, f**k them all. No presents for them this year. They're getting sweet f**k all!"
Police estimate that Claus' behaviour could date back centuries, making even the late Jimmy Saville look like a rank amateur in the paedophile stakes.
1 comment:
I always had my doubts about him.
I mean an old avuncular type bloke with a beard sneaking in and out of kiddies bedrooms. I mean come on.
I know where that ends up.
The Tooth Fairy
HMP Parkhurst
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