Ahoy Mateys!

The government have today announced that they plan to re-commission Radio Caroline as a floating prison ship for 1970's Radio 1 DJ's.

"Let's face it, with Sir Jimmy Saville and some other high-profile disc jockey's now allegedly accused of quite serious crimes, we estimate that once the Police are finished we'll need a whole seperate prison just to keep the dirty old fuckers in ," said Home Secretary Teresa May.

" Of course, we can't just let them mingle with normal prisoners, doing funny voices, playing pranks on each other and inflicting 'Billy Don't Be A Hero' on the poor bastards. They've already suffered enough. Radio Caroline seemed like the obvious solution!"

The Satire believes the ship will first be towed out in to open water where they can sail the high seas playing Gary Glitter records, broadcasting irritatingly unfunny comedy sound FX and giving each other hoax phone calls to their hearts content. But thankfully this time - no other bastard will have to listen to it.

With his job on 'This Morning' now on a shoogly nail, it is believed that Pip Schofield has offered his services as Prison Warder.



Sir Jimmy Saville Announced as New Doctor Who

In another stunning development in the Jimmy Saville scandal, the BBC have just announced Saville as the new Doctor Who.

Head of Children's Drama Davie Donaldson yesterday defended the decision, saying Saville was a much-loved British institution and a perfect fit for the role.

"It's been thought for a while that we need to reach a wider demographic with Doctor Who and who better to reach that demographic than that much-loved family entertainer, Sir Jimmy.

" I have to say I find these allegations against Our dear Jim that he is some sort of kiddie-diddler - and even worse the unkind smear that he died over a year ago - outrageous. He's just taken his time to respond to our emails, I'm sure that's all it is.

"Anyway, we recorded the new series last year so are planning to air episode one tonight on BBC1 after Strictly Come Dancing. It's a sure-fire ratings winner!"

The Satire believes that in this first episode, "Lord Doctor Sir Jimmy of Who" rescues a gang of teenage space gals from an evil alien schoolteacher using his flying Tardis-Caravan to whisk the girls off to the safety of his cottage in the Highlands where they can work for Sir Jimmy in little French Maids outfits doing bits & bobs around the house and getting Jim'll Fix it badges as rewards.

Four particular 14-year-old girls, hand-picked by Sir Jim, will also be working as his Assistants in the series, sitting on his knee whilst he puffs on his cigar explaining the plot and spending the rest of their time dancing awkwardly in the background, 1970's Top of the Pops style.

Mr Donaldson denied allegations this would further fuel the current crisis.

"These allegations against Lord Jimmy (Peace be Upon His Name) are ridiculous. Anyway, he already has his own distinctive Dr Who-style costume and catchphrases and so on. And we've even managed to get that big red throne-chair thing he used to sit in during 'Jim'll Fix It.' So now he can fly through space in style.

"He's got it all. The cigar, the shell-suit, the jewellery, the gold blond mop, the endless catchphrases, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh, What's this that's going on here then, Goodness me' etc. We've even managed to include his wrestling experience as one of his Super Powers. Frankly, the first series practically wrote itself.

"And don't even ask me about the merchandising possibilities for the Christmas market. We're sitting on a goldmine here, and as usual it's all thanks to Sir Jimmy!!

"We're already working with a leading pants manufacturer to produce teenage girls pants with Sir Jimmy's cheeky smiling face on the front. You mark my confident & utterly unassailable words - they'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes and (off the record, just between you and me) I'm in for 20%. God bless his Lord Jimmyship!

"Anyway, everyone knows Matt Smith is an irritating little twat and we'll all be glad to see the back of him. Under his stewardship, the role of Dr Who has deteriorated into nothing more than a boyband style heart-throb only watched by 12 and 13-year-old girls. This won't be an issue with Sir Jim, that's for sure. Everyone knows he's always been a thoroughly clean-cut all-round family entertainer. And, I don't know if you're aware of this, he does do a helluva lot of work for charity. I can't see what could possibly go wrong here."

Accusations that this is another insensitive move in the current climate were also waived away by the Director General yesterday.

"'Please, please, give us some credit. Those accusations are against a completely different Sir Jimmy Saville from your dearly beloved Auntie Beeb, it's all under control. Who do you think you're dealing with here - some sort of arrogant deluded out-of-touch fucking idiots? You are soo naive dude! Like, get with the programme, loll."

Welcome to Paedo-Filey!

The sleepy British seaside resort of Filey in North Yorkshire has shocked the surrounding towns and villages with the decision to re-name the town "PAEDO-FILEY - Home of the Paedophile!"

The name change is the latest work by cuntroversial conceptual artist Damien Hirst whose philosophy ('I am an an artist - therefore everything I do is art!)' meant that when local mayor Davie Donaldson approached Hirst for a work of art to raise the town's profile, Hirst came up with the clever idea of a re-branding.

"I'm not an artist myself so I can't say I fully understand the entire concept" said Mr Donaldson, "But it must be art. I mean, Mr Hirst says it is and he should know - he's an artist."

"The thing is, it's been great for putting Filey back on the map. People now drive for up to 600 miles to vandalise the sign, throw stones through residents windows and even shit on my dead mother's grave. But more than 40% of them then stop off for high tea or fish & chips on the seafront. And you can't argue with numbers like that."

Residents of nearby Illfracombe, who have this week installed a giant 600 feet statue of Jimmy Saville with his cock out were said to be livid.

" Bunch of smart-arse cunts" said local Illfracombe artist Charles Mingles. " I came up with the Jimmy Saville idea to get us in the papers and then these cunts pull this stunt out of the bag. I wish I'd thought of this."

"And another thing, I know for a fact that there are far more paedophiles in Illfracoombe than there are in Filey. I know at least a dozen personally. So I find their claim to be 'The HOME of the Paedophile' spurious at best."

"In fact I'm thinking of taking the whole thing to the European Court of Human Rights. Let's get the police going through the hard-drives and we'll see just who can deliver the numbers!"

Mr Mingles' bloodied and beaten body was found hanging from the 'Welcome to Illfracombe' sign yesterday morning.

Tourist figures are already up 80%.

Paedo-Filey mayor Davie Donaldson told us, "This latest piece of nonsense with Mingles' body hanging from the town sign has already started to eat into our numbers.Thank God they never had the idea to drape his corpse over Sir Jimmy's erect cock, that would surely have finished us off!"

Mr Donaldson denied rumours that he was now considering commissioning a nude 600 ft statue of the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee 'Quack Quack Oops' Travis. "No, we will definitely not be considering that option. I mean, there have to be standards you know."

"SNP Will Kill Us All In Our Beds!!" Warns Jim Murphy

    "We're a' doomed! "Jim looks grim doing an Impression of Pvt. Frazer In Dads Army

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy ran amok through the streets of Edinburgh yesterday. Grabbing random people by the lapels screaming and shouting maniacally into their stunned faces.
The gist of his prophecy of doom is that if the SNP get their way they will murder us all and our cherub like children in their wee beds. East Renfrewshire MP Jim, who's hobbies include Football, Golf and entertaining notorious gangsters at Labour party fundraisers. Accosted, among many others, Mrs Ina MacTights(21) as she exited Scotmid.

 "I thought I was being mugged at first, then as he shook me back and forth he bellowed at me 'Don't you know you're all going to die! The SNP are coming! Run to the hills!' Well I nearly took a heart attack. There should be a law against it. Who was that lunatic?"

When our reporter explained that Mr. Murphy was a Scottish Labour MP. Mrs. MacTights said she would definitely be voting for him as that's what her mother always done.

In a prepared statement given to The Satire! yesterday evening Mr. Murphy further claimed that :

1. If Scotland breaks away from the UK it will fall into the sea and drown us all.
2. Children as young as 6 weeks old will be forced to eat porridge.
3. Lions, Tigers, Wolves, Polar Bears and Giant beavers will terrorize our streets.
4. The only programmes allowed on STV will be Parahandy, The White Heather Club, Thingummyjig and endless shows presented by Pat Kane.
5. Sean Connery will come round and slap your wife.
6. Drunks in English parks and underground stations will be repatriated.
7. Aliens will Invade

Jim Murphy wants your vote.

Tourist Stabbed to Death on Royal Mile to Rapturous Applause

                           The Royal Mile(Sans bloodbath) yesterday

Hundreds of visiting dimwits, and a few locals as well, looked on in thrilled amazement as a tourist from Korea was first robbed, thrown around like a rag doll then plunged 37 times.
Howard and Myrtle Schikelgruber (66 and 61) of North Carolina were witnesses to the event.

"We were witnesses to the whole darn event" drawled Howard. Resplendent in tartan trousers and Tam O' Shanter bunnet. "Look honey! I said to Myrtle. The kids are puttin' on a show. People were a whoopin' and a hollerin', clappin' their hands an stamping their feet. Someone with a fiddle then joined in with a reel. I remember thinkin' why crimminy that blood sure looks real' as it spattered my wife. Someone even came round with a hat at the end. The applause went on and on before after around 10 mins or so someone realised the guy was actually dead and phoned for medics."

"Gee it sure is a cryin' shame for that young China man." Said Myrtle. "I sure hope he wasn't a heathen communist and will at least get to be with Jesus. It's so sad because the Scotch are so friendly. Only that same mornin' a guy in a turban sold us some genuine MacSchikelgruber tartan at a knock down price of only $1,100. Howard and I didn't even know we were Scotch.

Lothian and Borders police are looking for two neds trying to sell a bloodstained Apple laptop with Korean characters on the keyboard.

Mars Rover Tested In Edinburgh

                (Curiosity negotiates Haymarket tram works last year)

From our Science Corespondent Prof. Charles Minglestein

In another Satire exclusive we can reveal that the multi gazillion dollar Mars rover was secretly tested on the roads and streets of Edinburgh to see if it was worth a toss. And almost failed.

According to NASA's top boffin down the pub, Prof. Dwight Donaldson Jr. It was touch and go for a while.

"It was touch and go for a while", he said as he filled in The Sunday Times cryptic crossword and did a Rubik's cube while he formulated a new theory on the daily specials board between Lasagna and Scampi. "Frankly the whole thing nearly went tits up, and we almost ended up with a squillion dollars worth of scrap as the rover tried desperately to turn right at the top of Palmerston Place and narrowly avoided being banjo'd by a taxi. Then as it frantically tried to get to Gorgie Rd it got its wheels stuck in one of those mesh fence things that are fucking everywhere and fell upside down in a trench. Thankfully after 36 hours of terror it managed to right itself and ask a Korean tourist where to find a crossing point. We were all bricking it and I thought I was going to have to tell the President that our high falootin' trip to Mars had all gone for a ball of shite in some English backwater. At least now we know that if it can get from A to B in Edinburgh it will piss all over anything the red planet can throw at it. At a fraction of the cost of a tram apparently"

Prof. Donaldson then shat himself at the price of a pint of Guinness.

                                            

George Galloway SPEAKS! Satire EXCLUSIVE!

Speaking to The Satire yesterday, noble humble leader and voice of the common people, George Galloway (peace be upon his name) talked movingly about the next mountain he is set to conquer.

" It has been a great victory here in Bradford. A noble victory, a humble victory, a victory for the common man against the hordes of Babylon who have invaded the citadel of our noble yet indefatiguable proletarian heartland.

" But it does not stop here my friends, comrades, admirers and potential funding sources for future foreign jaunts ...

"For too too, and indeed, too, long, the Galloway household has been under an oppressive regime, a totalitarian dictatorship, a fiendishly manipulative yet indefatiguably powerful force. I speak of course of my wife - Mrs George Galloway.

"My cigar-smoking, loud shouting and bombastic tirades of long, unnecessary, indefatiguable and often grammatically incorrect sentences have already been banished from the sitting room during both Eastenders and, indeed, Coronation Street.

"And my friends, I am sad to report that I now cannot even pronounce upon my soapbox in the kitchen whilst waiting for the kettle to boil or for one of my beloved Poptarts to heat up.

" But no longer my friends, no longer. For with the sweep of momentum that this historic, noble, humble and indefatiguable victory has brought asunder, the popular might of the people shall be brought down upon this tyranny, And be in no doubt - it shall end!

"First we shall take back the sitting room. Next, the spare room and the kitchen. Then the top floor study, ground floor study, library, guest room and main first floor conservatory.

"Then it is merely a small step to retake the East Wing - not literally of course, its actually a 10-15 minute walk and three flights of stairs. But there is an antique fainting couch one can rest on to view the lake near the main stables half-way up.

"But once this part is captured and re-occupied by the people ( in the form, of course, of my good, moustachioed and noble self) then we shall have another historic victory under our belts my friends - and the proletariat will ... once more ... have spoken ...

"Viva La Revolutionae! And God Bless Bristol - sorry, Bradford."