Loyal Orange Lodge of Scotland Pledge Allegiance to AntiChrist

Members on a recent fun run in aid of domestic violence victims. LOL

Following the recent announcement by their Royal Highnessesssess The Duke and Duchess of Kent that they are about to give birth to The Son of Perdition. 

The Grand Orange Lodge of Scotland grand Master, Mr William Drumcree has been the first to pledge their allegiance.

"LET US BE THE FIRST TO SWEAR OUR ETERNAL ALLEGIANCE!!! LOL" Bellowed the Grand Master of the order. "NO SURRENDER TO THE FORCES OF KING JAMES, NEIL LENNON, DANIEL O'DONNELL, AND POTPOURRI. LOL" He continued to rant in the face of our reporter.

Asked whether the Loyal Orange Lodge ,LOL, would find a contradiction in this given their "biblical" stance on things Mr. Drumcree replied, 

"THE LOYAL ORANGE LODGE, LOL, SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS PROVIDING HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO MARRY A CATHOLIC, OR PREVENT US MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE PLACE PLAYING FLUTES ETC. LOL. OH AND BY THE WAY I DO NOT FIND THE ABBREVIATING OF OUR ORDER'S NAME TO THE TERM LOL REMOTELY FUNNY. OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MAYBE A BURNING CHAPEL. THE LOL WILL MARCH UP AND DOWN BANGING DRUMS AND KEEPING AWAKE ANYONE WHO DOES SO. SOME MISGUIDED MEMBERS MAY EVEN ROUGH YOU UP. SO BE WARNED!!!! LOL!"

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Marcus Welby (56) has also confirmed that this would pose no difficulties for the C of E.

"The C of E have no difficulties with the ascension to the throne of the Prince of Darkness. We are a broad church here and as long as he doesn't try to ordain a Buffty bishop or put a stop to the true work of the church, ie. coffee mornings, garden fetes, toddler groups etc. I'm chillaxed about it. Amen!"

AN APOLOGY

Our top correspondent Mingles during his recent mental meltdown  precipitating his subsequent hiatus

The Editorial team at The Satire! find ourselves in the embarrassing position of issuing an unreserved apology. 

In a recent article we reported that Mr. Mingles is 50 years old. This is of course inaccurate and we are profoundly sorry. 

Mr. Mingles is in fact only 49, and we can only extend our deepest and sincerest apology for any offence caused to him, his family, his family's family, his friends, their friends, their friends and family their family's friends, any mutual friends of their friends and families, (That's enough friends and family. Ed) and anyone who may be associated in any way shape or indeed form with any of the aforementioned.

We especially extend a heartfelt apology to his handsome wife/husband Raymond, A flight attendant on Auld Scotia airways, who Charles married in a civil partnership on Grand Canaria earlier this year. We wish them every happiness.

The Satire! pride ourselves on the unerring accuracy and meticulously researched quality of our reportage. Therefor we finally apologise to you our reader for letting you down.

Duchess of Kent Gives Birth to Antichrist

An Annoucement from St James Palace, From the Desk of Their Royal Highnesses, The Duke & Duchess of Kent

The Duke and Duchess of Kent are proud to announce the forthcoming birth of the Antichrist, The Great Counterfeiter, Satan  (Hebrew: הַשָּׂטָן ha-Satan, "the opposer"), Shaitan, Beelzebub. Although Wills & Kate thought Henry for a boy or Victoria for a girl sounded catchier.

Lucifer, The Great Beast, will be spewed into the world on Christmas Eve by blunt Caesarian Section in wry mocking of the Holy Season and the celebrations of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And the Waters shall Runneth with Blood. And there Shall be Great Famine, Dis-ease and Pestilence. And there Shall be Fucketh-all on telly worth watching, as usual.

Our First Born Son, Heir to the Throne of England and all of her Colonies, Abomination of Desolation & The Great Whore of Babylon shall take his throne almost immediately, after opening his Anti-Christ-Mass presents and the traditional festive turkey with all the trimmings; before setting forth upon a ten-thousand-year reign of terror and disorder to strike fear and sickening dread into the heart of good Christian men and women across the Land.

Cya! Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya!

Luv Wills & Kate
xxx


The Antichrist's proclamation will go ahead instead of the usual Queen's Speech on Christmas Day afternoon.

(Except for viewers in Scotland, who have their own programmes.)

Some other programmes in the schedule following The Apocalypse may be delayed, although the Strictly Come Dancing On Ice Christmas Special will go ahead as planned.

Fat C**t Moyles In Latest DJ Arrest Scandal

Chris Moyles boring himself shitless on Radio 1

Scandal erupted yet again at the BBC yesterday as it emerged their former breakfast show star and bad boy Chris Moyles was the latest ex Radio 1 DJ arrested on abuse charges.

It is alleged that Mr. Moyles (38) regularly abused millions of people on a daily basis. Police sources claim that the toll may be as high as a staggering 8 million listeners between 1998 and 2012, before finally someone realised he was utter shite.

One alleged victim of Moyles' vile abuse was a young lady who was only 12 at the time of his predatory and sickening broadcasts. The woman who would only give her name as Miss X, told The Satire!
"I was alone in my bedroom early one morning. I had been feeling lonely and a bit depressed. I awoke to find  that foul man forcing his attention upon me out of my radio alarm clock. I pleaded for him to stop, but the beast kept on and on and on until I managed to stretch over and pull the plug out. God only knows what would have happened had my arms not been long enough to resist his advances."

Another victim of portly presenter, Satire contributor Mr. C. Mingles(50), claimed
 "I see his fat sweaty five o'clock be shadowed face bearing down on me at night. Spouting cockney, cheeky chappy, barra boy bollocks as his sycophantic co-presenters egg him on. The crappy music. It's monstrous."
A spokesman for the BBC hit back today. "This really has nothing to do with us. All we had to work on was rumour and innuendo. Christ alive! Do you honestly think any of us actually listened to his show?"

Chris Moyles was available for comment all day yesterday, as he had ran out of  new Carphone Warehouses to open up. But frankly we've heard quite enough of him thank you very fucking much.

Ahoy Mateys!

The government have today announced that they plan to re-commission Radio Caroline as a floating prison ship for 1970's Radio 1 DJ's.

"Let's face it, with Sir Jimmy Saville and some other high-profile disc jockey's now allegedly accused of quite serious crimes, we estimate that once the Police are finished we'll need a whole seperate prison just to keep the dirty old fuckers in ," said Home Secretary Teresa May.

" Of course, we can't just let them mingle with normal prisoners, doing funny voices, playing pranks on each other and inflicting 'Billy Don't Be A Hero' on the poor bastards. They've already suffered enough. Radio Caroline seemed like the obvious solution!"

The Satire believes the ship will first be towed out in to open water where they can sail the high seas playing Gary Glitter records, broadcasting irritatingly unfunny comedy sound FX and giving each other hoax phone calls to their hearts content. But thankfully this time - no other bastard will have to listen to it.

With his job on 'This Morning' now on a shoogly nail, it is believed that Pip Schofield has offered his services as Prison Warder.



Sir Jimmy Saville Announced as New Doctor Who

In another stunning development in the Jimmy Saville scandal, the BBC have just announced Saville as the new Doctor Who.

Head of Children's Drama Davie Donaldson yesterday defended the decision, saying Saville was a much-loved British institution and a perfect fit for the role.

"It's been thought for a while that we need to reach a wider demographic with Doctor Who and who better to reach that demographic than that much-loved family entertainer, Sir Jimmy.

" I have to say I find these allegations against Our dear Jim that he is some sort of kiddie-diddler - and even worse the unkind smear that he died over a year ago - outrageous. He's just taken his time to respond to our emails, I'm sure that's all it is.

"Anyway, we recorded the new series last year so are planning to air episode one tonight on BBC1 after Strictly Come Dancing. It's a sure-fire ratings winner!"

The Satire believes that in this first episode, "Lord Doctor Sir Jimmy of Who" rescues a gang of teenage space gals from an evil alien schoolteacher using his flying Tardis-Caravan to whisk the girls off to the safety of his cottage in the Highlands where they can work for Sir Jimmy in little French Maids outfits doing bits & bobs around the house and getting Jim'll Fix it badges as rewards.

Four particular 14-year-old girls, hand-picked by Sir Jim, will also be working as his Assistants in the series, sitting on his knee whilst he puffs on his cigar explaining the plot and spending the rest of their time dancing awkwardly in the background, 1970's Top of the Pops style.

Mr Donaldson denied allegations this would further fuel the current crisis.

"These allegations against Lord Jimmy (Peace be Upon His Name) are ridiculous. Anyway, he already has his own distinctive Dr Who-style costume and catchphrases and so on. And we've even managed to get that big red throne-chair thing he used to sit in during 'Jim'll Fix It.' So now he can fly through space in style.

"He's got it all. The cigar, the shell-suit, the jewellery, the gold blond mop, the endless catchphrases, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh, What's this that's going on here then, Goodness me' etc. We've even managed to include his wrestling experience as one of his Super Powers. Frankly, the first series practically wrote itself.

"And don't even ask me about the merchandising possibilities for the Christmas market. We're sitting on a goldmine here, and as usual it's all thanks to Sir Jimmy!!

"We're already working with a leading pants manufacturer to produce teenage girls pants with Sir Jimmy's cheeky smiling face on the front. You mark my confident & utterly unassailable words - they'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes and (off the record, just between you and me) I'm in for 20%. God bless his Lord Jimmyship!

"Anyway, everyone knows Matt Smith is an irritating little twat and we'll all be glad to see the back of him. Under his stewardship, the role of Dr Who has deteriorated into nothing more than a boyband style heart-throb only watched by 12 and 13-year-old girls. This won't be an issue with Sir Jim, that's for sure. Everyone knows he's always been a thoroughly clean-cut all-round family entertainer. And, I don't know if you're aware of this, he does do a helluva lot of work for charity. I can't see what could possibly go wrong here."

Accusations that this is another insensitive move in the current climate were also waived away by the Director General yesterday.

"'Please, please, give us some credit. Those accusations are against a completely different Sir Jimmy Saville from your dearly beloved Auntie Beeb, it's all under control. Who do you think you're dealing with here - some sort of arrogant deluded out-of-touch fucking idiots? You are soo naive dude! Like, get with the programme, loll."

Welcome to Paedo-Filey!

The sleepy British seaside resort of Filey in North Yorkshire has shocked the surrounding towns and villages with the decision to re-name the town "PAEDO-FILEY - Home of the Paedophile!"

The name change is the latest work by cuntroversial conceptual artist Damien Hirst whose philosophy ('I am an an artist - therefore everything I do is art!)' meant that when local mayor Davie Donaldson approached Hirst for a work of art to raise the town's profile, Hirst came up with the clever idea of a re-branding.

"I'm not an artist myself so I can't say I fully understand the entire concept" said Mr Donaldson, "But it must be art. I mean, Mr Hirst says it is and he should know - he's an artist."

"The thing is, it's been great for putting Filey back on the map. People now drive for up to 600 miles to vandalise the sign, throw stones through residents windows and even shit on my dead mother's grave. But more than 40% of them then stop off for high tea or fish & chips on the seafront. And you can't argue with numbers like that."

Residents of nearby Illfracombe, who have this week installed a giant 600 feet statue of Jimmy Saville with his cock out were said to be livid.

" Bunch of smart-arse cunts" said local Illfracombe artist Charles Mingles. " I came up with the Jimmy Saville idea to get us in the papers and then these cunts pull this stunt out of the bag. I wish I'd thought of this."

"And another thing, I know for a fact that there are far more paedophiles in Illfracoombe than there are in Filey. I know at least a dozen personally. So I find their claim to be 'The HOME of the Paedophile' spurious at best."

"In fact I'm thinking of taking the whole thing to the European Court of Human Rights. Let's get the police going through the hard-drives and we'll see just who can deliver the numbers!"

Mr Mingles' bloodied and beaten body was found hanging from the 'Welcome to Illfracombe' sign yesterday morning.

Tourist figures are already up 80%.

Paedo-Filey mayor Davie Donaldson told us, "This latest piece of nonsense with Mingles' body hanging from the town sign has already started to eat into our numbers.Thank God they never had the idea to drape his corpse over Sir Jimmy's erect cock, that would surely have finished us off!"

Mr Donaldson denied rumours that he was now considering commissioning a nude 600 ft statue of the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee 'Quack Quack Oops' Travis. "No, we will definitely not be considering that option. I mean, there have to be standards you know."