Monday, 13 May 2013

Operation Yew Tree Arrests Test Card Clown

Days of  Innocence: In retrospect,. Are we surprised?

In a staggering new development, police under the aegis of operation Yew Tree have arrested Bubbles the test card clown off of the 70's. 
The 65 year old farceur was arrested at his home in a charity shop window in Staines Surrey by plain clothes officers. Police gave no more information other than a mannequin  in his sixties had been detained in connection with allegations of sexual offences carried out at the BBC between 1967 and 1984.
Friends and family alike are said to be absolutely shocked. "I'm absolutely shocked." Said Carole Hersee his co star in the popular transmissions. "He was always so quiet, but then again it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Of course you also have to watch the not so quiet ones like Stuart Hall I suppose. Dear oh dear." She continued placing her hand over her mouth.
Others however have always had their suspicions. "I always had my suspicions! Snapped B-list celebrity arsehole and slapper Kerry Katona. "I remember me and the girls were at the BBC doing a rehearsal for TOTP and Bubbles was being carried past us in a box. We were doing a raunchy routine, jiggling our tits and showing our arses and knickers while making pelvic thrusts and sucking our fingers. Completely necessary to convey the message of 'The Tide is High'. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Bubbles looking at us in a pervy way. Disgusting."
Fellow TV star Zippy from Rainbow spoke up in defence of the clown yesterday. "This is absurd. It was the 70's for fucksakes. It was well understood that if you were a tasty bird of whatever dubious age and you set foot anywhere near a TV star, producer, or Radio DJ you were up for it. These tarts knew the score. Gold diggers the lot of them. I groped Jane's arse loads of times and she didn't mind. Of course it wouldn't have mattered if she did, we would have just sacked her. Everyone knew she was shagging Bungle anyway. Slut!"
Bubbles was unavailable for comment today as he was in custody, and a fucking puppet.

Monday, 6 May 2013

Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.
People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 
Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.
Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)
Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)
Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)
There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.
Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.
"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."
The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.
" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."