Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Rommel Was A German, Shocker!!!!!

(General Feld Marschall Erwin Rommel
The smile belies the sinister fact......
He was a German.)

(Above Right: A German......Disgusting!)

The World and particularly dull Daily Mail readers were aghast today at the revelations the hitherto respected Erwin Rommel turns out to be German.
A new exhibition put on by some self loathing revisionist historians in Stuttgart called " The Non German Myth". Aims to shatter the belief that he was in no way a Krauser that went about North Africa shooting people at the behest of his mental, baby eating , mono testicled fuhrer. Or that he was just a decent bloke out for a drive in his Kubelwagen, when he stumbled across a couple of hundred thousand British Soldiers trampling all over wogs and stealing their dates.
Madly badly informed regular rent-a-quote for tabloids, Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead fumed "I think it's a disgrace. My Grandad was a bus conductor in Clydebank during the war and saw a UXB in Yoker. I hate to think what could have happened to him because of the Germans. I for one won't be watching anymore films with Mr. Rimmel in them. Or buying anymore of his beauty products. I hope he commits suicide."
Her thoughts were echoed by Edna McScone (71). " I think it's disgraceful as well. My second cousin's wife's granny met a Jew once. He was an awfy nice man so they say. He got knocked down an killed by a BMW in Giffnock. The Germans should be ashamed. Anyway it's these Pakies and Albanians you have to watch. They are everywhere."
Old soldier and former Desert Rat, Hughie  MacWheezey (86 ye know) was never fooled however. He remembers the time he was captured and cruelly interrogated by the Desert Fox outside Tobruk in 1942. Speaking from the British Legion club in Larkhall he told The Satire. "All this guff about him being a gallant hero and a gentleman is just complete nonsense. I remember him goose stepping up to me, fixing me with an evil stare and saying, "Vot iss your name?" I knew right there and then he was a sausage munching kraut scumbag and not to be trifled with. So I told him everything. His eyes were really close together. I think he might have been a catholic as well. None of yous are Tims are you? Winston Churchill. He had the right idea with the Irish you know."
The exhibition continues and will be followed up in April with " Uncle Joe Stalin-He wasn't that bad a bloke."

Dictator Urged To Step Down By African Union

From our Africa Corespondent Chaka Mingeleles

After an historic meeting held in Addis Ababa yesterday the Pan African Parliament called on Gordon McGrabby to relinquish power  and ease the suffering of his impoverished people.
Unelected McGrabby(57) has stubbornly held office in Zinabadway since June 2007 where he has been responsible for the worst economic situation in the country's history. Unemployment is soaring,  food prices are rocketing and McGrabby's government are having to raise tax and borrow £500,000,000 per day to bail out the corrupt financial institutions.
Human rights watchdogs have also been concerned about the tyrant's abuse of power in respect of the opposition. Recently anti-terrorist police, under orders from his feared Home secretary, raided the offices of an opposition MP and arrested him on charges of not being in the Labour party.
Speaking from the podium in front of over 200 representatives of African nations Gertrude Mongella, President of the A.U, made this appeal to Mr. McGrabby  yesterday.
"Once you were hailed as the saviour of your people. Ready to lead them into a new Jerusalem of peace, prosperity, over inflated property prices and crazy borrowing. But now that it is clear that you do not know your arse from your elbow. Do the decent thing and give a free and fair election to your people.
She then called for McGrabby to lend them some cash. 

Monday, 22 December 2008

Ultimate Frisbee, Ultimately 98% More Annoying.

(Left: Our Science corespondent
Checks the data)

(Below: If only......)

From our Science Corespondent Miss Honey Bunns Phd

Top Boffins at  Herriot Watt University have concluded that Ultimate Frisbee, the popular sport played by ultra alpha fuck wits, is almost 100% more annoying than its more tedious counterpart.
The blatantly obvious results were confirmed by The Satire's science correspondent late last night( another late night for me and the lovely Miss Bunns. Ed.), as well as everyone else who has ever had a 14 stone dickhead ruining their day.
"Ultimate", as it is known to it's participants, is a limited contact team sport played with a 175 gramme flying disc, and was invented in 1968 by Joel Silver and some student mates from Columbia University in an attempt to prove their cocks were bigger than anyone else. The sport takes place in any busy public recreation area, such as a park or beach, and points are scored in accordance with which teams cause the most annoyance, and inflicts the most casualties on innocent bystanders. Players must also have a pair of Oakleys permanently riveted to the top of their head.
 The sport is now played internationally, although participants are encouraged to shout banal Americanisms such as, "Woooo!!" "Alright!!! Yeah!!! Hell Yeah!!! Owned!! And to do that idiotic dance where you stir a big imaginary cauldron with both hands. 
Despite the macho posturing it has now also been conclusively proved that male competitors of Ultimate have on average a much smaller penis than a prepubescent boy. It's likely that the original inventors of the sport were big fearties who couldn't take part in other normal contact sports. High instances of gayness,hairdressing, a penchant for fashion and flower arranging have also been recorded.
The news will come as a shock to most Ultimate players both male and female who reckoned they were granite.
Australian aficionado Jett McLachlan told The Satire. " Aww mate take yer hand off it. You wouldn't say that if you just had your nose skinned by an off target throw. Any Idea how many toddlers I've killed? How many cyclists I have personally flattened? How many picnics I have put an abrupt end to?No? Yee well rack off then mate." He then flashed what appeared to be a chipolata smuggled in his pants then back flipped and moon walked away.
Another version of the game, known as Intense Ultimate, has been developed for those intent on irritating other people within a more confined space.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Scottish Division to be Amalgamated

(Above: The New IFV  MACV10)

(Left: Pvt Col. F. Douglas in the ceremonial
garb of the newly formed regiment)

Old soldiers were furious yesterday at the news that the Scottish Division is to be downsized even further in a sweeping new defence cut anounced by the government .
In a massive shake up of the existing structure, The Royal Regiment of Scotland is to be reduced down to one soldier. The new regiment will be known as the 1st Bn The Queen's Ownly Highlander and is to be based in a Portakabin in Edinburgh Castle Esplanade.
The regiments only soldier, Frankie Douglas from Partick, is to be given the new rank of Private Colonel in keeping with the rigours of the regiment's new role. Pvt Col. Douglas will be responsible for administration and discipline within the new formation as well as having to execute the ordinary everyday duties expected of a modern infantry soldier. To reduce costs even further Pvt Col. Douglas will have to feed and equip himself at his own expense, although on the receipt of this news many old soldiers have remarked "What the fuck's new?" The MOD have however managed to negotiate a deal with ASDA/Wal-Mart where the new regiment will be given a 10% discount on all work related products including tins of beans, spam, corned beef, own brand tea/coffee and  DPM combat gear from George. The Soldier will also be expected to fuck himself about on a regular basis.
A top Army Head Shed, Brigadier General Sir Alan Empty Uniform-Smyth OBN* gave The Satire his thoughts on the new arrangements. "Well you know it's always been my view that the traditional set up of the Army has always been the best one and I have made my views about these disgraceful and dangerous defence cuts absolutely clear". He said, covering his arse. Asked whether he or any of his fellow officers planned to resign their commisions in protest over the cuts the Brigadier coughed and spluttered, looked at his watch and said ," Good Lord! Is that the time? I must be getting on up to the mess. I have every confidence in the ability of our brave chap to cope with whatever challenges he will face." With that he stood up, saluted then about turned and walked into a cupboard.
The news of the amalgamation comes on the heels of a revelation that the new regiment is to be deployed to Afghanistan early next year. He will be the first unit to be equipped with the recently unveiled state of the art Armoured Personnel Carrier. The much touted AFV MACV 10, Kevlar 18 speed Mountain Bike with front mounted basket. Able to carry 5 kilos of groceries or even ammunition. Top MOD boffins have described the new vehicle as "The Rolls Royce of modern armoured infantry transport". Soldiers carrying out trials of the prototype at Warminster and BATUS earlier this year described it as "a pile of shite!"
Pvt Col. Douglas was unavailable for comment as he was beasting himself up the Pentland hills.

*Order of the Brown Nose


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Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Obama Change Train Derailed

( Barack Obama: Attempting to levitate the whole of America out of the shit)

From Our Washington corespondent Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's Train of change crashed to a spectacular halt yesterday, as millions of ordinary hard working Americans awoke to the realisation that it was going to be the same old shit with a different boss.
Disgruntled former Obama campaigner Mike Delaney(35) a Stevedore from Philadelphia woke up this morning and found to his disappointment that he still had bills to pay.
" I mean is this the shit what I busted my ass to get Barack elected for for christsakes?" He promised us change. He is just another lying politician. Apparently I will still got to pay my bills after he gets sworn in. What bullshit is this?" Asked Delaney angrily from his clearly dilapidated house. "And my wife is STILL a fat bitch!" He added ruefully.
Mr. Delaney is sadly typical of many disaffected voters all over America. According to a CNN poll carried out last night:
  • A staggering 78% of the population still felt that their life was shit.
  • An Incredible 69% claimed their kids still hated them.
  • A whopping 94% said their neighbors were assholes.
  • 60% were shocked to realise Obama was black.
  • 75% felt betrayed that the second coming of christ didn't happen.
  • 63% agreed with Delaney that their wives were still fat bitches.
  • 49% said Obama should fry for what he did on 9-11.
This news puts somewhat of a damper on Obama's sweeping victory in the recent election.
"We at least thought the euphoria would last till after he was sworn in."
Said Obama spokesman Dwight D. Donaldson (48). Asked about Republican calls for The President Elect to prove his nationality Mr Donaldson coughed and said "We are responding to that question as quickly as we can. There seems to be a problem finding Barack's passport. It appears the dog may have eaten it.
Former Republican presidential nominee John McCain commented in reply. "Has anyone seen my glasses? I'm sure I had them. "His wife pointed out they were on top of his head then directed him back to bed.

Violent Criminal to Sue Kenny MacAskill

                     (Right: MacAskill: Some animals more equal than others)

(Left: DC Thomson threatening our reporter)

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill MSP(50) is to be sued in conjunction with the Home Office by multiple killer and Glasgow underworld hard man, D.C " It wisnae me" Thomson.
D.C (54) , also known as "The Claimant" due to his habit of claiming everything from several lives to The Dole and disability, was a one time associate of the East Ends infamous toy wielding thugs The Kraze Twins. The nature of Mr Thomson's complaint against the Home office and in Particular Mr. MacAskill are twofold.
  1. That the Home office and the Justice secretary are violating Thomson's human rights by putting him in prison.
  2. That most of Mr. Thomson's crimes were committed under the influence of cheap alcohol, and that if The Justice secretary had introduced his draconian drinking laws sooner, Thomson would not be where he is today.
Speaking from very plush Legal Aid financed offices in Edinburgh, Thomson's lawyer, Donald Farquhar Q.C of Shyster, Farquhar and Charlatan , made the following statement.
" Mr. Thomson is just another victim here. The real problem is the system which allowed my client to get violently drunk in the first place. What is also a national disgrace is the conditions my client has to put up with. It is bad enough that they have taken away his liberty, it is further insult to injury that he is kept locked up in a prison all day every day as well. What kind of world are we leaving our children, when an innocent violent criminal can have his freedom curtailed like this?" Mr Farquhar(50) then lit up a Cuban cigar with a £100 note and laughed as he examined a huge pile of Legal Aid applications on his desk.
Thomson's reign of fear came to an end 5 years ago when he was convicted of the murder of Glasgow Off Licence worker Cheryl McLaughlin, her entire family and anyone who knew them. Miss McLaughlin had refused to sell the violent head case a carry out on the grounds that the shop was no longer open. If Thomson succeeds in his bid, it will be his 4th victory in 5 years. Previous claims include:
  • £150,000 for not giving him a cell with a nice view
  • £50,000 for forcing him to associate with criminals
  • £55,000 for having been provided with the wrong colour curtains that really fucked with his feng shui
  • £35 to have his clothes dry cleaned from the blood of fellow inmate Wullie " ten bob" Campbell
This comes as another blow to the Scottish Justice Minister who's tenure has been blighted by extremely unpopular policies. A spokesman for the Minister Donald Davidson(39) issued this statement to The Satire.
" This tragic case only goes to highlight the importance of stopping supermarkets selling booze to ordinary plebs. Had Miss McLaughlin's off licence shop not been selling Carlsberg special brew at Six cans for £4.00 she would still be alive and Mr. MacAskill would be out of a lucrative job....erm ..well....I mean.. eh...sorry...erm.. I didn't think this one through."
Former Left Wing firebrand Kenny MacAskill, who instantly realised Socialism was bollocks the minute he was offered the £92,000 per year plus expenses position, was unavailable for comment as he was getting pished at a football match.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Ghost Walks To Be 33% Scarier By 2010

                                                                     (Right:  An obvious hoax)

In a shock new directive from an unelected and unaccountable twat in Brussels yesterday. Ghost tours in Edinburgh must have people shitting themselves in the next two years.
E.U Commissioner Guy Pierre Van Hoinkydoink(50) made the announcement to the European Parliament's Committee de Merde Triviale of which he is Chairman. Speaking through a translator because he gets a huge budget and tax breaks for using one, and he wouldn't lower himself to speak English anyway. He told The Satire's Europe correspondent Carlos Minglez that a complete shake up was on the cards. "On the cards there eez a shake up complete. The tourists must know that when they pay good Euros to get a fright then that is exactly what they will get. They must be, how you say...bricking it?"
Under the new rules outlined by the Commissioner, Edinburgh City Council will have to start coming up with some real ghosts pretty sharpish or be forced to redefine Ghost tours as "Unemployed Actor Tours." 
In view of this Edinburgh council have enlisted the help of camp scouse fuckwit Derek Acorah(90),the former star of Undead TV's Most Haunted series. "We hope Derek can help us prove the existence of all our popular ghosts and presumably track down a few more." Said Davina Donaldson(51) a council spokesperson on the matter. "No one can walk around this city after midnight and not claim it's haunted. There are some real horrors." She continued trying to sound like Bela Lugosi but looking and sounding more like Bella Emberg.

Edinburgh is renowned for its paranormal activity. The Old Town alone is said to be home to more than 3,000 ghosts. One of the more famous is supposedly the ghost of Margaret Campbell aka 'half droonded, thrice rin oer wi a lawnmower Mags' due to the method of her bizarre suicide in 1803. Her insane high pitched cackles are said to ring through the streets of the old town at 03:30 in the morning despite nobody being there other than the odd crowd of Leeds girls on a hen night. Whatever the temptation, never venture lightly into the area surrounding Calton Hill after the witching hour. For there among the bushes and trees can be heard the ghostly moans and groans of Wee Willie Lightbody. Who met his death there in 1989 when he choked on an extra large condom. Tread not with impunity around Polwarth at any time of day. For among the dreary back streets and alleyways stalks the Hairy Hound O' Gorgie hunting for it's next hapless victim. Some say it's the ghost of an enormous hunting hound seeking vengeance for the murder of it's master Tam 'welcher' McGee. Others say that it's real flesh and blood and point to the enormous amount of dog shite strewn around the pavements of Polwarth as proof of it's existence. Some say it's a load of bollocks. Who's to say who is right.
Despite the engagement and efforts of Mr. Acorah. Documentary proof of spooky goings on in Edinburgh has remained elusive. He was however undeterred in his mission. " Ghosts are very real I'm tellin yer like" He told us unconvincingly.
It's rumoured that if Mr. Acorah fails to prove the existence of any ghosts, Yvette Fielding will be drafted in. That's enough to scare the shite out of anyone. 

HAIKU NEWS!!!! Just In.


 ( Above Left:  Slut )                                                                                (Above Right: Clearly innocent and handsome Man)

Man, Pub, Edinburgh,drunk. 
Sexy girl. Short Skirt. 
Man hand. Girl scream. Fight, police. Statement, "gagging for it".
Report Procurator Fiscal.
Tom Laird who cannot be named for legal reasons is 41.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Owl & Pussycat Lost at Sea

Pictured: the two daft twats in question ... just as they set off yesterday
A nocturnal bird and a domestic feline were today thought lost at sea after setting out in an attractive emerald-coloured ocean-going vessel.

Senior Coastguard spokesman Mr David Donaldson told us, “We believe the two creatures set off with some honey and a large amount of cash, wrapped up in a £5 note. Other than that though - no sat nav, proper food, water or mobile phone. Also, it’s clear that neither of the creatures had any sailing experience. So it’s perhaps inevitable that they should have run into trouble.

“It seems the cracks first began to appear when the feline realised it did not have opposable thumbs and so could not effectively grip the oars - and they soon began to drift out into open water. Additionally, the money they were carrrying was in the form of gold coins, and it’s thought the weight of the bullion led the boat to slowly sink below the water-line, letting in water. They tried to bail out the vessel using their only source of food, said jar of honey, but with neither creature possessing a good enough grip, the venture was obviously doomed.

“Also, there’s evidence that the cat may have eaten the owl. Aren’t they natural enemies? In hindsight, it seems clear that this may have been inevitable all along. After all, if I set out to cross the Pacific Ocean accompanied by 20 quid, a hungry tiger and a jar of Marmite - I wouldn’t anticipate surviving the journey. Daft twats!”

Sir Stephen Redgrave has today put on hold his proposed trip to row across the English Channel accompanied by Freddie Kreuger, Rosemary West and a box of Pop Tarts. Sponsors of the trip, HBOS - were said to be disappointed.

Saturday, 15 November 2008

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.
Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.
Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. " My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto's around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users. On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out 'a courtin' and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour."
Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked " It's no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse's wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It's hardly Al'qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.
His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, "I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's a shame. "The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.
The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should  the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.
Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Sutcliffe Slams Clarkson

(Above: your average lorry driver ... probably not a murderer)

Serial-murdering psycopath, keen lorry driver and so-called ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ Peter Sutcliffe today spoke out of his outrage over the Jeremy Clarkson scandal.

“Respectable lorry drivers like myself and that bloke out of the Yorkie Bar adverts were happily going about our lives, innocently listening to country & western music and whittering inane good-buddy bollocks into our CB radios until Clarkson came along with these offensive smears on our reputation. Well, granted, I wasn’t going about my innocent life. I’ve been in jail for 25 years for murderin' them prozzies for Jesus. And, okay, well now that I come to think about it - the bloke from all them Yorkie ads is a fictional character … but there must still be actual lorry drivers out there, yeah? And it’s them I feel sorry for.”

Local resident Maureen McGlinchie told us, “It’s a disgrace, is what it is. I see lorries driving past my house every day - so I know all about things like this. Clarkson just can’t get away with this sort of talk anymore. Cage the black beast, I say! He is black, isn’t he? I think he is. He’s definitely black.”

Renowned clinical psychologist Dr David Donaldson commented, “In my expert opinion, I think it’s highly unlikely that all lorry drivers in the UK are murdering prostitutes. There are over 40,000 registered HGV drivers in this country and if they were all bumping off hookers regularly, the supply would soon run out. In which case, normal, respectable women would end up taking over these prozzies’ street-pitches by night - and continuing their shift at Asda during the day. Of course, they would soon start showing signs of fatigue and confuse their roles - sucking off respectable family men in the supermarket checkout queue and offering 17% off frozen prawns to bemused lorry drivers in car parks. It’s just not likely, is what I’m saying. That’s 19,000 euros, please.”

A spokesman for Top Gear told us, “Wahoo! Our ratings have gone through the fucking roof! Ha ha ha! Eh? Peter who? Wasn’t he originally in the Beatles?”

Walk of Shame for Disgraced Beast Ross

Disgraced multi-billionaire TV host Jonathan Ross was today seen openly walking the family pet Mr Pickles in broad daylight.

His horns, forked-tail and hooves obviously disguised under heavy make-up and special effects, the media mogul cut a jaunty, almost carefree figure as he scooped dog excrement from the pavement in a nonchalant, some might even say unrepentant manner.

“Why doesn’t he just let his dog shit in the garden, like what normal folk do?” said nearby resident Maureen McGlinchie. “It’s one rule for the rich and famous and another for the rest of us. Cage this black beast.”

Animal expert Professor David Donaldson told us, “Ross will probably come back in from the walk, take the animal’s lead off and perhaps give him a treat. He might then perhaps play with Mr Pickles for a while or watch some television. I can’t be sure what he’ll be watching - but I’m guessing whatever’s on at the time. He’ll probably check through the schedules first, that’s certainly the approach I might take. He may even make himself a cup of tea. Or coffee even. Who knows. The man's a multi-billionaire, he can drink whatever the fuck he likes. The cheeky cunt. He’s just taking the piss. I agree with Mrs McGlinchie in the previous paragraph. Cage this evil beast!”

Our team of investigative journalists managed to retrieve a sample of the excrement from a nearby doggy-bin and whisked it off for detailed analysis by forensic scientists at a leading commercial laboratory, who told us, “Well, it’s … just dog shit, isn’t it? It’s just fucking dog shit. Are you taking the piss? Bringing us a pile of fucking dog shit. What the fuck do you think we are? Do you think we’ve not got better things to do than poke around in fucking dog shit, you daft cunts?”

Ross was this afternoon unavailable for comment, which just about says it all really, doesn’t it? And his wife’s a ride. Rich jammy twat.

Fury! As Scottish Episcopal Church Ordain Christian

(Above : Episcopal Logo)              
                                  (Right: His Lordship The Right Rev Dr. Rowan Williams MBE,D.I.S.C.O)
The Anglican communion was once again in uproar yesterday over the announcement that they ordained an openly Christian cleric as the new Bishop of Edinburgh.
The Rev. Basil Nice (43) has sparked controversy before in his 12 year career with his outlandish behaviour and his candid opinions. After being a priest for only six months in his first parish of Hamilton, he upset his flock by dismissing Astrology as "a complete load of bollocks and incompatible with the Christian world view." He then further embarrassed everyone by selling all his possessions and giving the proceeds away to a homeless shelter.
Speaking from his villa in Portugal Rev. Nice's former assistant to the Rector at Hamilton , Maj. Tim Wealthy ,explained. "We didn't see a problem at first as he can do what he likes with his own cash, but it made the rest of us feel very guilty and awkward. Then he had a go at the Masons, saying that we ought to make up our minds which religion we wanted to be in. It just isn't on.
Women's Institute organiser Elspeth Tiara-Mansion (Over 21) from his former parish in Morningside complained bitterly to the General Synod that nice had cancelled her Yoga classes and instead introduced Bible study hours. "Phewww!!! What a loony." Was the only comment she would make to The Satire this morning. 
His ordination has come at a time when both Scotland's Primus and the Archbishop of Canterbury are already under fire for the appointment of George Stout as the Bishop of St. Andrews. Stout (52) astonished everyone when he came 'out' as a believer in the virgin birth and claimed the Resurrection as "a very real event." Many people have alleged to have seen him reading The Bible in a sincere manner. Local press have reported him cruising  for converts in the seedier parts of towns and cities offering people forgiveness for their sins.
Meeting the very owl like Dr. Rowan Williams at Lambeth Palace earlier today I asked him frankly if this was the thin edge of the wedge. He was very concerned at the outrage over this issue . Speaking from his perch he told me. "I'm very concerned at the outrage over this issue but I have very little or no authority over the Scottish Church" He hooted and blinked revolving his head around in an impressive 360 degree sweep. "Further more, if you ask me jumping up and down and doing your nut about things is not very helpful. There are a lot of intolerant bigots out there who just can't see anybody else's point of view. Especially if those views are a bit Bible thumpy and weird. But let's face it, I mean people don't come to church to be preached to. We should forget all this dogmatic brouhaha about, 'did Jesus say this?' or 'would Jesus do that?', and just get on with the central Christian message about all being jolly nice to one and other.
Taking advantage of the Archbishop's momentary distraction by a mouse in a neighbouring field, I pressed him further as to whether or not this could split the church. "Will this split the church" I said. " Off course there will always be those who can't accept the churches teaching on things. To them I can only say,' look. Jesus had a beard and so do I....geddit? No? Right!  Off course not.That's why I'm an Archbishop. And you are not.' "
The Rt Rev. Dr. Rowan Williams was appointed Archbishop of Canterbury when his predecessor Rt Rev. Dr Drew Carey left to pursue a career in an American sitcom. Unfortunately for him the voices of dissent are legion. The outspoken and controversial former Bishop of Edinburgh Dr. Richard Hologram branded Williams a "beardy tosspot", and confidently boasted that he could " take him any day." "Mark my words." He continued." This is the slippery slope to setting The Church back 2,000 years. Before you can say 'disestablishmentarianism' we will all be running around in robes and sandals healing the sick, and taking the Ten Commandments seriously. Frankly it's a total balls ache."
Richard Dawkins is 67.

Student Not Doing Gap Year

(Above: The kind of student Japes Lucy can't be arsed with)

(Right: Lucy- not being arsed)

An Edinburgh University student has astounded all her friends at the Student Union by announcing she intends to take up employment immediately and can't be bothered her arse to go traipsing off round the world.
Lucy Fairbairn (22) had everyone aghast with her repeated assertion that she had absolutely nothing to prove and had had enough shagging and pissing it up while she was at uni.
" I had enough shagging and pissing it up while I was at uni." She confidently told The Satire, then added. "All this galavanting round the world is just an excuse not to face up to reality and get on with being an adult. Besides, I'm an attractive, sexy, well balanced and bright young women who is not at all fat arsed and frumpy with no personality. I get crates of cock right here in Edinburgh. Why would i want some chancing passport chasing Lothario from bongo bongo land pawing me and trying to make 'jiggy-jiggy'. It's ludicrous."
Penny Worthinton (23) Lucy's less attractive and slightly overweight friend disagreed and thinks she is mad. " I think she is mad. She worked bloody hard to get her law degree yeah, and now she is going to squander it by getting a job. I think she will find it difficult as most top companies these days very much expect a big gap on your CV that's full of stories about helping black people and stuff. They lap that kind of shit up you know."
Hector MacDonald (46) of Edinburgh legal firm, Shyster Macdonald & Charlatan emphatically concurred with that. " I know that we certainly would never consider taking on someone who hadn't done the gap year thing. Ideally we want someone who has swanned about the world for two. This tells us that their parents are probably wealthy and, if it's a young lady, they are probably up for it as well. You can't really go about these days bragging about your car or the size of  your house as everyone will know you're a tosser. So in order to trump your mates it's all about where you've been, and what obscure ethnic groups you put up with in a hovel for weeks. I think she should reconsider."
Miss Fairbairn was as determined as ever when we spoke to her yesterday. " Look If I really want to help people there are plenty of people here I can assist. Especially with my legal skills. If it's exotic locations you are after, I will be raking it in as a lawyer so I can travel in style instead of having to tolerate a bunch of sweaty farting Australians in a grubby dorm.
Miss Fairbairn is ex directory.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Scotia Blend Launch Swarfega Tea

(Pictured  Left: Mmm Heavy Duty. Above : A chimp gives seal of approval. Right: A mug of the new blend.)

World famous Glasgow tea company Scotia Blend have sensationally thrown their hat into the highly competitive luxury flavoured tea ring, with their newly launched Swarfega Tea.

The company based in the East End of the city made the announcement yesterday at the RMT Union Club in Bridgeton, to a crowd of over 1500 cheering mechanics and 300 labourers.
"We at Scotia Blend believe that this is a landmark in our 100 year history. What better way to mark our centenary, than with a new flavour we believe will out sell Earl Grey, Chamomile and even bog standard Typhoo within a couple of years." Thundered Scotia's National Product Director Archie MacPhee into a whistling, crackling P. A system.
Frankie Douglas(26) a tyre fitter from Partick enthusiastically gave Swarfega Tea the thumbs up. He told The Satire, "This is just fantastic news. You just can't beat a manky mug of tea. It's rare. At least in the workplace that's not a problem as most of our cups and mugs are practically marinated in Swarfega, but when you get home at night you miss that. I tried bringing a bogging mug back form work but the wife went spare. This way i can enjoy tea the way i know and love it in the comfort of my own settee. Nothing quite beats the aromatic flavour, though I admit some herbal teas come close."
Asked whether the wider public outside the auto shop would wholeheartedly embrace the new product Tommy MacAvoy, Scotia's International Sales Coordinator , had this to say. " I believe so.  Even when you consider labourers, sewage workers, and painters and decorators. There is a wealth of people who developed a taste for this kind of thing, while sitting for hours in a Kwick Fit waiting room as a ten minute job dragged out all day."
The Head Keeper of the Primate enclosure at Edinburgh zoo had deep reservations about the new tea however. " There's nothing a chimp loves more than a nice cup of char to stave of the stress, boredom and insanity of prolonged captivity in a confined space, as you know. Except of course  masturbating frantically in front of groups of schoolkids and affronted teachers. But anyway, I have to say our monkeys loved it instantly. But it did give them the most terrible shits and we've spent all day cleaning up the mess, as well as having to hospitalise three of the buggers. It makes life so much harder for the keepers. The kids love it though."
Scotia Blend are unfazed by this though as most mechanics have a much stronger constitution than chimps. So confident are the company in the success of the venture that they already have a whole range of follow up products in the pipeline including:
  • Swarfega Tea with a hint of diesel oil
  • Swarfega Tea with white bits
  • Decaf Swarfega Tea with overpowering saccharine
  • Turpentine Coffee
  • Sugar with big brown lumps through it  
As well  as the new flavours Scotia have also announced a new line of accessories such as chipped, heavily tannin stained, greasy mugs. Sugar and powdered milk encrusted spoons, and a range of Titty Calenders with big grubby fingermarks and badly drawn cocks.

(Editor's Note: If you are a small child worried about the fate of Coco, Smeato and Banjo. Fear not. The zoo assure us that Coco is coming round, and two new baby chimps are currently being tranquilized and crated up in Burundi as we write this.)

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Madonna Set to Adopt Guy Ritchie

In the latest shock development in her seperation from husband Guy Ritchie, Madonna (80) has announced that she will first divorce Ritchie (19) and then adopt him as one of her children.

It is thought that as part of the settlement Ritchie will be required to wear short trousers, only speak when spoken to and will have to ask permission before being excused from the dinner table. Most importantly though, he will have to get Madonna’s written permission before making any more of his really fucking shitty movies.

If he agrees to all of the terms, Ritchie stands to gain a cool £150 a week spending money - and that’s not including money for sweets and video games which are included as special weekend treats! She also plans to implement the ‘gold-star for good behaviour’ reward system she used so succesfully with both Lourdes and Rocco, though they are both now thought to have outgrown it.

Talentless mockney fuckwit Ritchie was said to be delighted with the settlement and told our reporter, ‘Strewth, lummy guvnur strike a light. I’s proper chuffed and no mistake, cor blimey so I am’ before continuing his round of croquet with Lord and Lady Asquith.

When our reporter cornered Madonna outside her private courthouse she barked, ‘ what’s it to you, sonny? I’ll adopt you too if you don’t watch out!’ She then made a scary face* and marched off triumphantly.
*I think you mean, ‘an even more scary face’ - ed.

Ayrshire Man Finds Richard Digance Funny

                                       (  Above: A typical reaction to one of Digance's hilarious monologues on Countdown)

  (Left: Richard Digance  in a pose designed to lead you to believe he hitchhikes round his UK tour like a troubadour. Out of Shot: His  Jaguar )

A 48 year old man from Mauchline has astounded family, friends and the Nation alike by claiming he finds Richard Digance "very amusing."

The shock revelation came about when Davey Spiers was round at his in laws last Tuesday afternoon. Mr. Spiers's Mother in Law, Grace Collins (68) explained to The Satire.
" The whole family were round and the kids were not long in from the school. I just settled down with a cup of tea and a Carmel wafer to watch Countdown when yon Richard Digance came on to do one of his stories about his dog. I lifted the Remote to switch it over when Davey shouted, 'no leave him he's quite amusing at times!' Well I'll tell you, you could have heard a tenner drop. We all just stared at him incredulously as he went on to say, ' No seriously, he's a real hoot just listen.' He then proceeded to piss himself laughing as Digance droned on for what seemed like an eternity about squirrels and nuts and how much cleverer his dog was than him, which at least sounded plausible. It was surreal. He didn't sing though so thank the Lord for small mercies."
The news quickly spread about the village like wildfire, then to neighboring villages and then pretty soon the phone lines here at The Satire were jammed as thousands of people called to report the phenomena. The Satire's top reporter called Charlie, Charles "Charlie" Mingles, had this to say about the incredible discovery.
" People who have never heard of me in this small dreary backwater, that doesn't sell decent coffee and took me half a day to find. Have been in a state of total shock at the fact they are suddenly in the news and for all the wrong reasons. Before Digancegate, the media had only ever mentioned Mauchline in light of an obituary or an occasional chip pan fire. Last Tuesday just after tea time, all that tragically changed."
Richard Digance (60) the self styled "Master of Nostalgic Comedy"(many have quipped that he makes you wish Arthur Askey was still alive), came to prominence on returning to the U.K in the 70's from touring America . Whilst there he had supported Steve Martin, appearing down the bill in between a Marcel Marceau impersonator and Jurgen Hoddler and his Yodelling Youngsters. A Swiss version of The Osmonds that played alpine horns. Digance died on his arse. Back in the U.K Digance became known for his TV "specials", 'A Dabble with Digance' (BBC 1984), 'Abracadigance' (BBC 1988), 'Indegestdigance' (QVC 1991) and 'A Dental visit with Digance' (Radio St. Kilda 2005). 
Despite his many many detractors, some of whom claim he makes Giles Brandreth seem like Bill Hicks at his best , Digence has built up quite a follower in England. Many suspect he works for Channel 4, where Digance controversially beat off a challenge from Frank Bruno for the coveted 'Dictionary Corner' guest slot on Countdown, alongside that bird who's not Carol Vorderman. Many insiders on the show claim that is the reason behind the sharp exit of Des Lynam from the programme and that Carol Vorderman turned down another £6,000,000 rather than "have to pretend to laugh at one more single fucking turgid anecdote from the twat." Even Des O'Conner who would snap his farting strings at the sight of a gate swinging has remained steadfastly poker faced at Digance's feeble attempts at repartee. Prompting, Some say, his intended departure from Countdown leaving C4 struggling to find another presenter called Des. Former Countdown cameraman Ed Hollings told The Satire ."It has even been known for Rick Wakeman to have Carol giggling her knickers off for fucksakes, but Digance struggles for a forced smile. His sodding Alsatian would make a better guest."
One man however remains firmly in Digance's camp. " I think he's an uproar." Claimed Davey at his home yesterday. " You should have heard the one he told yesterday, about dropping his spoon in a cafe then having to get ano....................." He trailed off as our man Mingles lost the will to live.
Richard Digance was unavailable for comment as he was on a cruise ship.
Thank Fuck!!!


Monday, 10 November 2008

Dangerous New Toy On Shelves

The governement was today warning of a dangerous new Christmas toy on the shelves, which could damage children if played with in the wrong way.

The Fisher-Price ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can slice a man in two with just one blow - but the manufacturers say that used sensibly it can bring even very young children hours of fun.

Company spokesperson Davie Donaldson told us, ‘This news scare is just nonsense. Under proper supervision, the ‘Hattori Hanzo’ samurai sword can be used by children between 3-7 years to harmlessly slice tin cans, furniture and pets clean in two! The very idea that they would use it on themselves or their parents is patently absurd.’

This is the second of such scares in as many years. Last year Fisher-Price released their controversial baby-garrote, inspired by an episode of The Sopranos.

A spokesman for The Trading Standards Office told us, ‘ This is all part of the tradition at this time of year. We know it’s the run up to Christmas when these crazy scare stories start to appear. Besides, only a handful of working-class babies strangled their mothers last year - and most of them were lone parents. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about.’

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Puppy Sales Up 300 Percent

Sales of puppies have gone up 300% in Scotland since Barack Obama’s historic acceptance speech earlier in the week.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen McGlinchie told us, ‘I’m very gullible and believe all my problems will be solved by buying a puppy. Just like yon coloured-fella who works in the White House.’

Unfortunately, the increase in new puppy sales has been exactly cancelled out by folk taking back their old puppies.

Heavily-overweight, unattractive housewife Maureen MCGlinchie told us, ‘ I’m very gullible and was so inspired by yon coloured fella’s speech about change that I decided to swap the puppy for a new DVD-recorder instead. I’m still not happy. Cage the black beast, I say.’

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Kirkcaldy Finally Returns Brown's Calls

Add Video( Above: Gordon Brown: Making an arse of things at a BNP meeting by mistake.  And: Wee Gordy: Dogging double Maths in his Youth)

After nearly two years, almost 19,000 texts and a staggering 8,000 messages left on answering machines, Kirkcaldy has finally acknowledged the PM.
Kirkcaldy's Provost Gerry MacFlounder seated underneath a giant makeshift picture of the PM, speaking exclusively, and a bit like private Fraser from Dads Army, to The Satire explained.
 "We all love Gordon here in Kirkcaldy. He's frae here ye ken that son? We're a' affy proud o him.
His faither wis a meenister ye ken. Oh aye we're a fond o' oor Gordy as we like to call him again round this wiy."
These comments were echoed through the streets and amusement arcades of the Kingdom of Fife's bustling metropolis today from young and old alike. Mrs Margaret McHairnet(58) said of him, "Mister Broon is an inspiration to my four grandsons who all took up heroin addiction during his tenure. Thanks to him there's no shortage of squats for them to live in. A blessing on his sonsie face.......Dae ye fancy a shag son? £ 10."
Wattie Payton(23), speaking outside one of the towns many new Cash Converter stores proclaimed. "We were all shite-ing a brick there for a while, thinking that Kirkcaldy's favourite son might be a bit of an erse as well as making a giant cunt of the economy an that, but thanks to  what ever it was he done we all think he is great again." Behind him the entire population of Kirkcaldy broke out in a huge chorus of "A Gordon for me."
Things however, were not always thus. Barely 3 months ago it was near impossible to find a single soul in Fife let alone Kirkcaldy to even let on he existed.
"Gordon who? Brown...brown....brown...mmm  no definately no. Try next door." Said his parents from the steps of their humble manse.
Unconfirmed reports from sources inside Kirkcaldy Town Hall claimed that the phone was "ringing off the hook day and night. We all knew it was him, even though he would withold his number and sometimes even pretend to be a double glazing salesman to anyone stupid enough to pick up the receiver. We were under strict instructions to rubber ear the cunt. "
Provost MacFlounder nervously laughed off the allegations. "Not at all, not at all." He quipped while scrubbing anti Brown graffiti off the Town hall steps. "That was all a big misunderstanding. We thought it was another Prime Minister Gordon Brown from Kirkcaldy entirely."

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment as he was on a Giant yacht with Duncan Bannatyne and some Russians.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Local Woman Claims Satire Saved Her Life

( Pictured: a non-digitally-enhanced photo of the woman in question)

by science editor, Dr Charles Mingles
A Kirkcaldy woman has contacted us here at The Satire to inform us that merely by having our site on her favoured blogs listings, her terminal illness has completely disappeared.

This doesn't surprise us here at The Satire, as we've long been aware of the healing power of laughter. One of our junior staff fondly remembers being kicked unconscious by the school bully every morning and its associated recuperative effects.
'As he repeatedly battered me in the bollocks with his size 12 black brogues and I slowly drifted off into unconsciousness, I remember noticing the rest of the school standing behind him laughing uncontrollably. What wonderful healing power that laughter must have had. I hardly ever need to use my adult incontinence pants these days.'

The Satire today makes a pledge to you, our loyal readers. Merely by putting a link to our site on your own, we guarantee that any afflictions you are suffering from will instantly and miraculously disappear.
And ladies, just touching the screen whilst viewing The Satire site for a few minutes every day, can increase your breast size by up to 8 cup-sizes. So please do use this power wisely*
Additionally, you can hold batteries and watches towards the screen and repeat loudly three times the mantra, 'Oh sweet mighty lords of mirth and frivolity, please heal this consumer durable.'
For maximum healing-power, this works best if you are standing on your desk and are surrounded by workmates pointing and laughing.
Remember, the power of laughter may be awesome. But the power of ridicule can move mountains.
(* this pledge is entirely worthless. We can't even get our paragraphs to look right - ed)

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Man Gets Served in Scotmid.

51 Year old Hugh MacTackle was jubilant yesterday after having being served in his local Scotmid in only a breathtaking 49 minutes. The champagne flowed at his Stockbridge home this evening at a soiree he organised to celebrate his good fortune.
"You read about these things and see them on telly" he said, "but it's always something that happens to someone else not you. I just couldn't believe my luck, even after I got home with my shopping I had to sit down and stare at my receipt. It just didn't seem real, I kept pinching myself but there it was in black and white. 'Served by Toby at 17:40. A staggering 49 minutes and 10 seconds after I stood in the queue for the checkout. To make things even more incredible there were at least another two people in front of me with about eight items between them. I myself had 6 items, two of which were from the bargain shelf, so that the student serving me had to input those long bar codes by hand. What are the odds? I was so pleased I phoned my sister in Australia to give her the news, but she thought It was one of my pranks and told me to piss off then hung up"
One of Hugh's fellow shoppers was not so enamoured however. Mrs Isa McGirdle (65) Lamented.
"I had been standing at the till for an hour while someone was fart arsing around with the lottery machine. They kept ringing and ringing that sodding bell underneath the counter but still no bugger turned up. Then this disinterested spotty student sauntered over to the other faraway till ,and said in an almost inaudible voice 'I'll take you over here please'. The bloody mile long queue disintegrated and I ended up last. Worst of all I was only buying a shagging tin of beans. Scotmid can kiss my wrinkled arse."
Scotmid were quick to capitalise on Mr. MacTackles good fortune however. Store Manager Mr. Roman Polanski (17) said,
" We are super happy with Mr. MacTackle and his happy day. We like to give very much super customer service. Thank you so much."
This is the second time in one year that Hugh has had a windfall.
" Yes it's extraordinary but true. A couple of months back I phoned the Citizens Advice Bureau in Dundas St. about a financial matter and someone answered the phone in just 5 and a half hours. It was only the cleaner however, but she did take my details at least and someone phoned me back in a month."
Asked what he would do with his new found lucky streak an ecstatic Mr. MacTackle ventured,
"Oh God I don't know, it's all so sudden. I think I might try getting served in a nightclub."
He laughed and laughed.......

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Airline In Heterosexual Recruitment Drive.

Left: Typical Cabin Crew Below: Some heterosexual men.

A Scottish airline is to sensationally lead the way in appointing heterosexual men to cabin crew positions it was revealed to The Satire today in yet another coup for your favourite online news source.

Auld Scotia Airways based at the confusingly titled Glasgow Prestwick airport announced that they would team up with Straight lobby group Brickwall to recruit more heteros and encourage straight air stewards to be more open about their sexuality.

Until the late nineties straight men were banned from cabin crew jobs for fear they would try to shag all the stewardesses or would want to spend time with family. Straight men who wanted to take to the skies as a steward had to affect effeminate behaviour and mince about trying not to look at birds arses.

The drive to recruit more ethnic minorities to these posts has been active for some time, but the airlines targeting of the straight male community will come as something of a surprise to many. Brickwall, who are being paid by Auld Scotia, are also giving advice on how to create a working environment in which straight stewards can feel comfortable about 'coming out.'

Spokesman for Brickwall Peter Tadger commented, "In the past heterosexual staff were nervous about revealing their orientation to colleagues because it could have led to claims that they acted gay at their interviews. Auld Scotia have taken the first step to dragging the airline industry into modern Britain." Tadger who controversially attacked Peter Mandelsohn with a rolled up copy of Razzle last year added, "there is however a long way to go. There are many other airlines out there still exclusively stewarded by cock jocks."

Some current employees of the airline were not as enthusiastic about the new policy. Dorian Andrews(21), a senior steward who insisted on being named, told The Satire while pulling a face that looked like Graham Norton smelling a fart, "This is absolutely disgusting. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it the next thing they will want is to be hairdressers, fashion designers and BBC producers. It's just not on. All I can say is they better not come near any of my stewardesses. It's not normal."

Frankie Douglas(20), formerly an Electrician from Partick, is the first openly straight steward to join the airline and cheerfully told The Satire, "I am totally chuffed at getting the job, although I have had such a slagging from my mates telling me to sew my arsehole up and asking me if I will be serving "large ones" and all that shite. But I can take it." He was then distracted by a big titted trolley dolly bending over the check in desk. "PHHHhhhhhhWWWWooooaaarrrr!!!!!!" he growled while brandishing his fist in a phallic gesture. " I cant wait to brush past her in the aisle."

Auld Scotia have been inundated with applications.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Controversial US Exorcist To Visit Scotland

(Pictured: Top, Bob Larson. Above. A photo of the Smugness Demon captured using special photography)

Controversial American Exorcist Bob Larson has announced he plans to visit Scotland next month to exorcise a few of our demons - and he's starting with the First Minister.

Speaking on the telephone this morning, Larson told us, 'Why, lordy lordy I've seen this man on my television set and the Smugness Demon is possessing him something awful, so it is, lordy lordy and no mistake, y'all'

He then went on to site a few more instances of the damned and possessed amongst the Scottish establishment. According to Larson, Jackie Bird is possessed by a giant pteradactyl which compels her to write terrible sitcoms and to believe she is sexually attractive to men under the age of sixty. Whilst Jackie sleeps, the terrible beast awakens from its slumber and flies round the room practicising its alluring grimace and trying on sexy underwear.

And that's not all. Larson has also singled-out Scots TV presenter Nicky Campbell as being possessed by the 'Patronising twat' Demon.

And according to Larson, the entire City of Glasgow has been under the power of the 'Weegie' Demon for literally centuries.

Larson told us, 'Glaswegians are actually very camp effete sorts, lordy lordy, I do declare. But for hundreds of years now a Demon of obesity, tedious humour and irritating people by talking to them at bus stops when they just want a quiet fucking life - has possessed the good people of the city. I intend to rid them of this terrible curse and no mistake, yessir indeed!'

Larson is a controversial figure in the US, having amassed a fortune from his work and recently exposed a journalist for being possessed by the 'Finding me in bed with a prostitute' Demon. And another for being under the power of the 'Realising my head looks like an engorged cock covered in Brillo Pads' Demon.

Neither Alex Salmond, Jackie Bird or any of the fair people of Glasgow were available for comment, but Larson's crusade continues.

'My crusade continues,' he told us.'Praise the Lord and pass another slice of that them there pumpkin pie, lordy lordy, yessir indeed ..' etc.