Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Man Gets Served in Scotmid.

51 Year old Hugh MacTackle was jubilant yesterday after having being served in his local Scotmid in only a breathtaking 49 minutes. The champagne flowed at his Stockbridge home this evening at a soiree he organised to celebrate his good fortune.
"You read about these things and see them on telly" he said, "but it's always something that happens to someone else not you. I just couldn't believe my luck, even after I got home with my shopping I had to sit down and stare at my receipt. It just didn't seem real, I kept pinching myself but there it was in black and white. 'Served by Toby at 17:40. A staggering 49 minutes and 10 seconds after I stood in the queue for the checkout. To make things even more incredible there were at least another two people in front of me with about eight items between them. I myself had 6 items, two of which were from the bargain shelf, so that the student serving me had to input those long bar codes by hand. What are the odds? I was so pleased I phoned my sister in Australia to give her the news, but she thought It was one of my pranks and told me to piss off then hung up"
One of Hugh's fellow shoppers was not so enamoured however. Mrs Isa McGirdle (65) Lamented.
"I had been standing at the till for an hour while someone was fart arsing around with the lottery machine. They kept ringing and ringing that sodding bell underneath the counter but still no bugger turned up. Then this disinterested spotty student sauntered over to the other faraway till ,and said in an almost inaudible voice 'I'll take you over here please'. The bloody mile long queue disintegrated and I ended up last. Worst of all I was only buying a shagging tin of beans. Scotmid can kiss my wrinkled arse."
Scotmid were quick to capitalise on Mr. MacTackles good fortune however. Store Manager Mr. Roman Polanski (17) said,
" We are super happy with Mr. MacTackle and his happy day. We like to give very much super customer service. Thank you so much."
This is the second time in one year that Hugh has had a windfall.
" Yes it's extraordinary but true. A couple of months back I phoned the Citizens Advice Bureau in Dundas St. about a financial matter and someone answered the phone in just 5 and a half hours. It was only the cleaner however, but she did take my details at least and someone phoned me back in a month."
Asked what he would do with his new found lucky streak an ecstatic Mr. MacTackle ventured,
"Oh God I don't know, it's all so sudden. I think I might try getting served in a nightclub."
He laughed and laughed.......

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Airline In Heterosexual Recruitment Drive.

Left: Typical Cabin Crew Below: Some heterosexual men.

A Scottish airline is to sensationally lead the way in appointing heterosexual men to cabin crew positions it was revealed to The Satire today in yet another coup for your favourite online news source.

Auld Scotia Airways based at the confusingly titled Glasgow Prestwick airport announced that they would team up with Straight lobby group Brickwall to recruit more heteros and encourage straight air stewards to be more open about their sexuality.

Until the late nineties straight men were banned from cabin crew jobs for fear they would try to shag all the stewardesses or would want to spend time with family. Straight men who wanted to take to the skies as a steward had to affect effeminate behaviour and mince about trying not to look at birds arses.

The drive to recruit more ethnic minorities to these posts has been active for some time, but the airlines targeting of the straight male community will come as something of a surprise to many. Brickwall, who are being paid by Auld Scotia, are also giving advice on how to create a working environment in which straight stewards can feel comfortable about 'coming out.'

Spokesman for Brickwall Peter Tadger commented, "In the past heterosexual staff were nervous about revealing their orientation to colleagues because it could have led to claims that they acted gay at their interviews. Auld Scotia have taken the first step to dragging the airline industry into modern Britain." Tadger who controversially attacked Peter Mandelsohn with a rolled up copy of Razzle last year added, "there is however a long way to go. There are many other airlines out there still exclusively stewarded by cock jocks."

Some current employees of the airline were not as enthusiastic about the new policy. Dorian Andrews(21), a senior steward who insisted on being named, told The Satire while pulling a face that looked like Graham Norton smelling a fart, "This is absolutely disgusting. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it the next thing they will want is to be hairdressers, fashion designers and BBC producers. It's just not on. All I can say is they better not come near any of my stewardesses. It's not normal."

Frankie Douglas(20), formerly an Electrician from Partick, is the first openly straight steward to join the airline and cheerfully told The Satire, "I am totally chuffed at getting the job, although I have had such a slagging from my mates telling me to sew my arsehole up and asking me if I will be serving "large ones" and all that shite. But I can take it." He was then distracted by a big titted trolley dolly bending over the check in desk. "PHHHhhhhhhWWWWooooaaarrrr!!!!!!" he growled while brandishing his fist in a phallic gesture. " I cant wait to brush past her in the aisle."

Auld Scotia have been inundated with applications.

Friday, 15 August 2008

Controversial US Exorcist To Visit Scotland

(Pictured: Top, Bob Larson. Above. A photo of the Smugness Demon captured using special photography)

Controversial American Exorcist Bob Larson has announced he plans to visit Scotland next month to exorcise a few of our demons - and he's starting with the First Minister.

Speaking on the telephone this morning, Larson told us, 'Why, lordy lordy I've seen this man on my television set and the Smugness Demon is possessing him something awful, so it is, lordy lordy and no mistake, y'all'

He then went on to site a few more instances of the damned and possessed amongst the Scottish establishment. According to Larson, Jackie Bird is possessed by a giant pteradactyl which compels her to write terrible sitcoms and to believe she is sexually attractive to men under the age of sixty. Whilst Jackie sleeps, the terrible beast awakens from its slumber and flies round the room practicising its alluring grimace and trying on sexy underwear.

And that's not all. Larson has also singled-out Scots TV presenter Nicky Campbell as being possessed by the 'Patronising twat' Demon.

And according to Larson, the entire City of Glasgow has been under the power of the 'Weegie' Demon for literally centuries.

Larson told us, 'Glaswegians are actually very camp effete sorts, lordy lordy, I do declare. But for hundreds of years now a Demon of obesity, tedious humour and irritating people by talking to them at bus stops when they just want a quiet fucking life - has possessed the good people of the city. I intend to rid them of this terrible curse and no mistake, yessir indeed!'

Larson is a controversial figure in the US, having amassed a fortune from his work and recently exposed a journalist for being possessed by the 'Finding me in bed with a prostitute' Demon. And another for being under the power of the 'Realising my head looks like an engorged cock covered in Brillo Pads' Demon.

Neither Alex Salmond, Jackie Bird or any of the fair people of Glasgow were available for comment, but Larson's crusade continues.

'My crusade continues,' he told us.'Praise the Lord and pass another slice of that them there pumpkin pie, lordy lordy, yessir indeed ..' etc.

Monday, 4 August 2008

The Truth Is Out There and It's Fan-Dabi-Dozi!

Mulder &Scully watch horrified at old episodes of Crackerjack. The Krankies....Scary.

One of Scotland's top comedy
acts has landed a part in the planned X-Files movie sequel due for release in January 2010.

The Krankies (real names Ian and Janette Pishflap) beat off severe competition from big industry names such as, Jim Bowen, Alan Stewart, Andy Gray and Grant Stott. Also rumoured to be in the running were Ben Kingsley, Sir Ian McKellen and that bloke off of the Halifax adverts. The news comes as no surprise to Krankie fans who were jubilant yesterday when it was announced Ian and Janette had secured the part. One middle aged fan who refused to give his name because he was under a social services supervision order, and shouldn't have been near the swing park adjacent to The Satire's office when we caught up with him, enthused...

" Wee Jimmy Krankie is ma favourite comedy character of all time and his face is all over ma bedroom wall. I for one can't wait for the film to come out." He then made some comments unfit for copy and darted off.

This reporter managed to contact Mr. Krankie at Motherwell Civic Center where he and Wee Jimmy are in rehearsals for the upcoming summer run of Dean Park's "Big Variety Night Oot." Alongside Stan Boardman and a Fran & Anna tribute act. When asked how he felt about being awarded the part he said" Janette and I are absolutely thrilled and delighted to be in the movie alongside Davy Dickoff and Moira Anderson (sic). Especially Janette who is a big fan of Scooby Doo and Rentaghost an thae kind of things. I am also particularly pleased to have beaten that smug twat Andy Gray who stole My TV Quick award for "Best Widow Twankie" last year. In your face Gray! I rule!!!!Seriously I was gutted by that. I thought it was in the bag and even the Evening Times was ready to lead with 'Krankie King of the Twankies'. Bastard."

Janette was unavailable for comment as it was past her bedtime.

Film Industry bigwigs are keeping it tight about what the role will be. However one insider told The Satire. " As usual Wee Jimmy has the main part. Basically they play the part of a father and son on holiday in America when aliens strike and abduct Wee Jimmy. There's an hilarious scene where they are trying to catch him and he is running around the room trying to escape and running under and through their legs, kicking them up the arse and stuff. Then one of the creature puts its spindly hand on his head and holds him at arms length, as he flails and windmills his arms trying to batter it. Priceless! The aliens are then completely baffled when they do an autopsy and discover that he is in fact a 61 year old women. They then wipe her mind of the experience and let her go. Of course everyone then thinks that Ian has done her in and no one believes his abduction malarkey except Agent Mulder. Later when they are searching a house for Wee Jimmy he is in fact behind them making faces the whole time. It's very dark and disturbing."

Undoubtedly The Krankies owe their break to the success of Scottish King of comedy Billy Connolly. In the latest X-Files offering, Billy plays the part of a paedophile priest who has the second sight and talks exactly like the Rev. I.M Jolly.

" The great thing about you Scotch is that Americans can't understand your accent so can't really tell when your a shit actor." Said a big Hollywood director through a funnel shaped thing.

Kraze Twins Terrorise Glasgow's East End!

(Pictured. Above left: The Kraze Twins ruled the mean streets of Glasgow with a rod of iron and a plastic hoop. Right: Exhibit A. Ronnie's weapon of choice)

Today You Super Soaraway Scottish Satire! publishes the first extract from the autobiography of Reggie Kraze, who with his evil brother Ronnie, ran the mean streets of Glasgow throughout the 70's and 80's ....

Ronnie and I had always been mad on the latest craze that came out and our dear mother Violet made sure we wanted for nothing, God rest her delicate almighty soul. (She's not dead, just in a nursing home. But she's lost it, poor deluded cow)

Our dear old mum was always first in the toy shop queue when the new craze came out. Hula hoops, skateboards, scooters, we had them all and wanted for nothing. So it's perhaps appropriate that, when our reign of terror on the streets of Glasgow began, we should use as our weapons of choice, our much-beloved childhood toys.

Also, what with being called The 'Kraze' Twins is seemed natural to capitalise on this lucky bit of punnery. (I myself love word-play and, after a hard day's torture, there's nothing I love better than sitting down with a good Giles Brandreth or Richard Stilgoe book of humour. Marvelous.)

I remember well my first time interrogating a man who owed me money using a pogo-stick and a pair of clackers. He cracked almost immediately and the word got round, 'Don't mess with The Kraze Twins, they've got scooters, slinkies, all sorts, and they're not afraid to use them.'

But I think it was when Ronnie first killed a man using a space hopper that our reputation really took off. The lad in question, Mad Davie Donaldson, was the muscle in a rival gang and was a tough nut himself, God bless him. So it took Ronnie seven hours of repeated beating with the hopper to finally finish him off.

Ronnie was always such a kid at heart. I remember to this day watching him inbetween beatings, bouncing up and down on the space hopper, bits of teeth and brains all over the thing and Ronnie skidding on the blood-soaked floor as he played away, happy as a sandboy.

He was a gentle giant with the heart of a saint and I miss him very dearly ( Okay, he's not actually dead either, just in Barlinnie Special Unit. But he takes it up the shitter and I haven't spoken to him for 15 years, the evil noncing scum)

Inevitably, in the 90's with the rise of computer games, our days were numbered. Rival gangs started to flood in from Japan and Eastern Europe with the latest Nintendos and what have you.

We did try to compete for a while, but it's not nearly so easy to intimidate someone with a SuperMario Games consol, I don't care what they say. You end up resorting to mere verbal goading, 'I've heard it told on the street that you canny even make it to level three you muppet!' and so on. It's not the same and we couldn't compete.

We eventually retired and left the streets to these new lads. I found out later that these new gangs weren't actually using computer games at all. But knives, guns, enforced prostitution and protection rackets. I wish we'd thought of that.

But we had our day and it was glorious while it lasted. You can't go back, as they say. I still have all my old toys, battered and bruised and blood-stained they may be, but every one has a story to tell and I keep them for sentimental value. Plus, my little 7-year-old grandson Tyson loves to hear all grandad's old stories, the gorier the better. God bless him.