Monday, 26 January 2009

Simple Salmond Says!

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable,  smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.
Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:
Dear Alex,
Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?
Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?
Q: Dear Mr Salmond,
My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow
Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal. 
Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,
Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you?  J Paxman. Oxon
Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!
Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit.  Fife
Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.
Q: Dear Mr. S,
My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions?  Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh
Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.
Q: Alex Salmond,
Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark.  Glasgow
Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.
How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something. 

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner. 

Friday, 16 January 2009

Andy McNab is Fat Wife From Aberdeen Sensation!

(Below Left: Mrs Geddes 
at home in Torry)
(Right: Heavily Disguised as McNab)

                                                                                                                                                   So called SAS Gulf War Hero, "Author" and any time the forces get mentioned on telly, rent-a-quote Andy McNab. Has been sensationally outed as a portly fishwife from Torry by your favourite online news source.
The Satire tracked down Maureen Geddes(59) to her semi-detached house on the banks of the River Dee where she was badgered relentlessly into giving us an exclusive interview. "I'm just glad a' the pretence is oer wi an I can just be open aboot it ye ken." She sighed with relief in between puffs on her pipe, the aroma of Old Holburn ever present in the air. "It's the lies I've had to tell my own family that have taken the greatest toll on me."
"Fit's she like?"gasped her daughter Jackie(23) incredulously on being confronted with the news. "All they times she never turned up to meet me at the bingo, to think she could have been out raiding embassies, garroting ragheads, training unsavoury foreign regimes how to kill their internal enemies more efficiently, or even marrying a string of peroxide blond bimbos called Kimberly for Queen and country. It doesn't bear thinking aboot." She said, not quite grasping the concept of ghost writing.
Next door neighbour and well known meddlesome ratbag  Agnes MacHag(age undisclosed), ranted " I kent she was up to nae guid in there. Tappin awa on yon word processor day and night. Parcelforce were always leaving deliveries in ma porch for her. They turned oot to be full o' books. Lofty Wiseman, Ray Mears and Tom Weir, ye ken a' yon survival stuff. Then there was specialist stuff on makin bombs an slotting folk etc. But the biggest giveaway was when she started hangin aboot wi that Grant frae Eastenders. Ross Kamp I think his name is. Well he's in the SAS ye ken."
Maureen's husband Bob(60) was always in on the secret though. " I would always have a good laugh to myself whenever they were on the news giving it Andy McNab says this, that and the next thing. If only folk knew the truth. I could hardly keep a straight face when she got her DCM from the Queen. Prince Phillip kept looking at her askance. He almost tumbled at one point when she kept showing him photo's of her grandbairns. That was a close one.
" To think it all started 30 years ago with a couple of short stories to the People's Friend." Explained Mrs. Geddes, peeling tatties." It just snowballed from there. I never thought that Bravo Two Zero would be a success. Funny as it was, it was riddled with inconsistencies and that bastard Michael Asher nearly ruined everything. The hardest thing was TV interviews. Luckily I was always in shadow or wearing one of those balaclava things. Thankfully they would always use the voice of an actor as well. As I can't do an English accent worth shit. Getting time off from the fish factory was always a problem. I was running out of dead relatives. Thank fuck you've exposed me."
The shock news comes after the recent revelation that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is a poofy hairdresser from Leith.
Neither the publishing company nor the MoD were available for comment as they were hugely embarrassed.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Bike Man Ordered In 1909 Finally In Stock

(Left:Kaspar Von Furniss test rides
the bicycle 110 years ago)

(Above: Von Furniss's Grandson Olaf Reacts to the news the bicycle is in stock)

A bicycle ordered a century ago by a German immigrant in Edinburgh eventually arrived yesterday. Much to the consternation of the mans descendants.
Mr Olaf Furniss(51) received the news by telephone in his poorly furnished Stockbridge flat yesterday. " I couldn't really take it in at first and wondered what the fuck they were going on about." Furniss told The Satire yesterday evening over a cup of tea without sugar, milk ,or indeed tea, in it. He continued," This annoyingly cheery voice on the other side of the phone announced blithely that the bike was in stock. Fuck me, I thought, that was quick I only ordered it 3 months ago. Surely some mistake. Imagine my consternation when I found out that it was a bike ordered by my grandad before the great war."
Innes MacPedal(17) Manager of  The Edinburgh Bike Collective (Formerly Ye Olde Edinburgh Bike Collective: Purveyors of the finest machines to the Discerning Gent) In Bruntsfield, made the following statement. " It only shows the quality of our service that even after all this time we still managed to deliver. Mr. Furniss is now potentially in possession of an antique of great value. Unfortunately this means that the balance he owes us which was previously £1. 5 shillings and thrupence is now £62,522.34p. The matter has been passed to our legal department and I have nothing further to say.Except you know what these boxheads are like. They want everything yesterday, and no sense of humour."
"This is pish." Complained Furniss from his badly insulated and even more poorly furnished flat, as the sherriff's officers removed his bread maker,fondue set, stereo gram, and Demis Roussos record collection. " I can't even get the bike I ordered now. I will have to walk to LiDL to buy my Pumpernickel."
He then branded The Edinburgh Bike Collective  "Cunts" and claimed it would never have happened had Hitler won the war.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009


                      Including the sure to be Hits :
  1. Stairway to Heaven
  2. Highway to Hell
  3. Moon Fucking River
  4. Holy Diver
And many more...

                       Not Available in the shops.

Byff Byford Embroiled In Hip-Hop Outrage Confusion

(Left: Byford  fakes a heart attack
to avoid Fans's fury)

               (Above: Furious Saxon Fans)

Aged rockers Saxon were in hiding yesterday, after a furore erupted over the rumour they were "selling out", and going to do Hip-Hop. The Satire can exclusively reveal.
Heavily Mentalist Byff Byford(73), the lead singer of the band that were once at the forefront of the so called New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, was forced to cancel a gig and go into hiding when fans stormed the stage at The Tumbledown Dick pub in Farnborough Hants. The band were half way through a nationwide tour that takes in Aldershot, Frimley Green, Bagshot, Farnham and culminating In an open air festival in Barnsley where they were to support Dumpy's Rusty Nuts. All that seems in jepardy now. 
Speaking through the letterbox of The Restwood Lodge  B&B , 76 Woodham Rd Woking ,Mr Byford told The Satire. " Fook off yer Jock Bastards, before yer give the game away." Later our reporter managed to contact Saxon's Tour Manager Doreen Crowley(53, no relation.) who told us. "There seems to have been the most terrible misunderstanding, in a recent press release we revealed that the band were indeed "selling out" all the venues on their current European tour and that Byff would be going in for a long awaited "hip opp" at Royal Hallamshire Hospital Sheffield when the tour was over. We just hope the fans will realise their mistake and calm the fuck down." 
There was some good news for the band this morning when it was reported by our source in the USA that a mediation team lead by Dave Ling and Geoff Barton managed to rescind a Fatwa issued by Eric Adams of Man O' War that called for the Barnsley Boys to be "beaten to death with rolled up copies of Classic Rock and thrown into the river Styx(sic)" . Also in a serendipitous tragedy Steve"Ponce"Dawson was set upon by a gang of Gumby jacketed thugs and beaten unconscious with his own base.
Byff Byford will be joined in hospital by Mr Dawson and David Coverdale whos colon is giving him awful gip.