OBITUARY: Reverend Dr Julius Emery

(Above: The Revererend Emery yesterday)

The Satire today bids farewell to our Religious Affairs Correspondent the Extremely Reverend Prof Dr Julius Emery, who passed away peacefully in prayer aboard a rocket hurtling into space at a speed of 12000 miles an hour and reaching an inner-hull temperature in excess of 8000 degrees farenheight.

Unfortunately Dr Emery had been mistakenly informed by his medical advisor (Dr Seamus Beejezus O'Flaherty) that merely stripping down to his swimming trunks and sunhat and dabbing on some Factor 12 would be enough to protect him from the excessive heat during launch. This unfortunately proved not to be the case.

Reverend Emery is remembered by the staff and patients of Broadmoor and by the staff and patients here at the offices of The Satire.

He leaves behind the world's largest collection of antique micrscopes (current valuation £26.4m Euros) and a strange Irishman claiming to be his long-lost half-brother and heir to the Emery estate.

Thankfully the vending machine remains intact and is currently sitting in the foyer of The Satire reception area where it continues to dispense molten snacks and beverages to anyone wearing the requisite asbestos clothing and visor.

Bobo the chimp was seen leaving the capsule by parachute shortly before take-off.

Thought For the Day with The Extremely Reverend Prof Dr Julius Emery ...

Good Evening.

You know, when I look around me at the world today, I often see the hand of our Lord at work.

Whether it be the white-faced clown with a single tear running down his face, that young lady tennis player scatching her bare bottoms or that chimp sitting on the lavatory - the Lord's work is there for all to see if we would just look closely enough.

I remember it was with this very idea in mind that I first asked my parents for a microscope for my 5th birthday. It really was a most exciting day and as I unwrapped the paper and lifted the delicate instrument from its cardboard housing, my fingers were trembling with excitement and anticipation.

I remember thinking, if I can just get close enough to the detail, I will surely be able to see the hand of our Lord in action - maybe even gaze upon the face of Yaweh himself.

But it was not to be. The closest I could get was the veins of a leaf - which really wasn't quite the same and I soon became despondent ...

I eventually convinced my parents to buy me a much bigger microscope - but alas even that was not able to see the face of God and I began to fixate on the idea that He was deliberately and maliciously hiding from me.

My parents attempted to console me by re-mortgaging their house, taking out a crippling loan and buying me, at the time, the largest electron microscope in Europe - but it was all to no avail. The Lord's omniscient presence remained veiled from mine eyes, the big beardy twat.

It was then (and only then) that I turned quite violent, railing oh most mightily against the Lord.

"You fucking cunt, why the fuck won't you show yourself you smug fucking wanker. Well, fuck you! And what in the name of holy fuck are you looking at mother? You're nothing more than a spunk receptacle for that old hanging ball-bag who calls himself my father. Fuck both of you. CUNTS, the lot of you!" and so on, I continued.

I must confess gentle listener, the incident almost ruined my 7th birthday party entirely...

And 60 years of therapy later, the ECT, the enforced sectioning and hospitalisation in Broadmoor Secure Hospital - all have alas failed to slake that particular thirst.

But eventually they did let me leave Broadmoor, my head bowed but my search still unfulfilled.

Unfortunately, due to my 'Crimes' The Church of England refused to have me back within the formal ministry, but luckily Mr Laird and Mr Mingles here at the esteemed offices of The Satire welcomed me with open arms (Not literally of course - Mr Laird is notoriously antisocial and Mr Mingles is a well-known germophobe. So they both greeted me from quite a distance away across the long oak-lined corridor outside the main boardroom.)

I did attempt to step forward and thank them both personally but the large gentleman who leaped out from the shadows and smashed the butt of his rifle efficiently into the bridge of my nose made it clear this was not recommended.

And it was whilst working here at The Satire that it occured to me what I had been doing wrong for all these very long years.

Of course the Lord could not 'literally' be found within the natural world. He should of course be sought outside of it - like in all those big paintings with his face looking beneficently down.

What a silly old sausage I had been.

It was with all of this in mind that I launched the Satire Space Programme. To allow me the opportunity to soar off into the Heavens and to fulfill my lifelong dream to see the face of our Lord.

15 years in the construction and with a cost in excess of three thousand pounds (not euros mind you - actual english pounds!) this rocket seems destined to roar into the outer atmosphere beyond the stars and out towards my Maker.

It may takes a few days to reach the Lord of course but I am well-prepared with a vending machine which seems to dispense an endless supply of ready-salted crisps, sweets and fizzy pop - in other words all one needs to survive.

They really are quite miraculous contraptions and in fact the vast majority of our enormous budget went on this astonishing machine - sold to me by a kind old irish gentleman in a public bar.

Nevertheless, the 500 Mighty British Pounds left over is still an exceedingly large sum of money and was more than enough to build the rocket, pay for the fuel and (so I am reliably informed) fully train the elderly chimpanzee who is to be my companion and co-pilot on this marvelous fantastical journey.

So - Bon Voyage, Ship Ahoy, God's Speed and Off We Go!

Loyal Orange Lodge of Scotland Pledge Allegiance to AntiChrist

Members on a recent fun run in aid of domestic violence victims. LOL

Following the recent announcement by their Royal Highnessesssess The Duke and Duchess of Kent that they are about to give birth to The Son of Perdition. 

The Grand Orange Lodge of Scotland grand Master, Mr William Drumcree has been the first to pledge their allegiance.

"LET US BE THE FIRST TO SWEAR OUR ETERNAL ALLEGIANCE!!! LOL" Bellowed the Grand Master of the order. "NO SURRENDER TO THE FORCES OF KING JAMES, NEIL LENNON, DANIEL O'DONNELL, AND POTPOURRI. LOL" He continued to rant in the face of our reporter.

Asked whether the Loyal Orange Lodge ,LOL, would find a contradiction in this given their "biblical" stance on things Mr. Drumcree replied, 

"THE LOYAL ORANGE LODGE, LOL, SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS PROVIDING HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO MARRY A CATHOLIC, OR PREVENT US MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE PLACE PLAYING FLUTES ETC. LOL. OH AND BY THE WAY I DO NOT FIND THE ABBREVIATING OF OUR ORDER'S NAME TO THE TERM LOL REMOTELY FUNNY. OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MAYBE A BURNING CHAPEL. THE LOL WILL MARCH UP AND DOWN BANGING DRUMS AND KEEPING AWAKE ANYONE WHO DOES SO. SOME MISGUIDED MEMBERS MAY EVEN ROUGH YOU UP. SO BE WARNED!!!! LOL!"

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Marcus Welby (56) has also confirmed that this would pose no difficulties for the C of E.

"The C of E have no difficulties with the ascension to the throne of the Prince of Darkness. We are a broad church here and as long as he doesn't try to ordain a Buffty bishop or put a stop to the true work of the church, ie. coffee mornings, garden fetes, toddler groups etc. I'm chillaxed about it. Amen!"

Duchess of Kent Gives Birth to Antichrist

An Annoucement from St James Palace, From the Desk of Their Royal Highnesses, The Duke & Duchess of Kent

The Duke and Duchess of Kent are proud to announce the forthcoming birth of the Antichrist, The Great Counterfeiter, Satan  (Hebrew: הַשָּׂטָן ha-Satan, "the opposer"), Shaitan, Beelzebub. Although Wills & Kate thought Henry for a boy or Victoria for a girl sounded catchier.

Lucifer, The Great Beast, will be spewed into the world on Christmas Eve by blunt Caesarian Section in wry mocking of the Holy Season and the celebrations of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And the Waters shall Runneth with Blood. And there Shall be Great Famine, Dis-ease and Pestilence. And there Shall be Fucketh-all on telly worth watching, as usual.

Our First Born Son, Heir to the Throne of England and all of her Colonies, Abomination of Desolation & The Great Whore of Babylon shall take his throne almost immediately, after opening his Anti-Christ-Mass presents and the traditional festive turkey with all the trimmings; before setting forth upon a ten-thousand-year reign of terror and disorder to strike fear and sickening dread into the heart of good Christian men and women across the Land.

Cya! Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya!

Luv Wills & Kate
xxx


The Antichrist's proclamation will go ahead instead of the usual Queen's Speech on Christmas Day afternoon.

(Except for viewers in Scotland, who have their own programmes.)

Some other programmes in the schedule following The Apocalypse may be delayed, although the Strictly Come Dancing On Ice Christmas Special will go ahead as planned.

"Jesus Was Scottish". Claims Half Arsed Theologian

(Left: Dr. Beckford in the Gorbals)

                                 (Right: Our 'Artist's' Impression of Jesus at the Last Supper)

Jesus came from The Gorbals. That's the official verdict of a contraversial Anglo/Carribean theologian in his new book and TV special "The Gorbals According To Christ".

Dr. Robert Beckford who spent hours researching the theory that he now claims to be conclusive told The Satire " There can be absolutely no doubt now that the Gospels were probably wrong and that our Lord and saviour was in fact maybe a soapdodger. All the circumstantial evidence tends to suggest that he could have been a Wegie and that he was most definitely possibly born in The Gorbals. This will rock traditional Christianity to it's foundations.

Dr. Beckford gained his PhD in Creative Theology at the University of Birmingham. He is no stranger to contention, previously bringing the edifice of Orthodox Christianity crashing to the ground six times with his previous theories that included:

• Jesus: The Unmistakable Iraqi Origins
• Christ: I'm a Deity get me out of here(The Undeniable Early Jamaican Years)
• Jesus the Muslim
• Goodness Gracious Me- ssiah: How our Lord ended up in India.
• Christ of the Antarctic
• The Jesus Myth: How the Aboriginals Invented Catholicism
  

"This only goes to show that Dr. Beckford can't seem to decide what he believes or why." Claimed the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone from Glastonbury where he was being initiated into the Golden Dawn society. "However what's important here is not to get caught up in a lot of doctrinal doggy doo about Jesus's nationality and to concentrate on the central Christian message of keeping me in a job."

The Dreadlocked academic hit back at his detractors with what he claimed was irrefutable evidence for his thesis. "I met a guy in a pub in the Calton and he swore it was true. If that wasn't enough, we have the documented Gospels of Partick Prophet William Of Connolly, written around 1976 CE. In which he describes in detail and with great humour the true story of Jesus. To this day in Glasgow, names like Mary, Joseph, Paul, John, Peter and Shug are very common. There is even a distinctly Middle Eastern looking temple in the middle of the Gorbals to this day.Explain that one. How any one can claim that a bunch of stories sometimes written up to 20 years after the events can be relied upon, I just don't know.

Neither Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens would comment as they weren't giving a fuck.

Fury! As Scottish Episcopal Church Ordain Christian

(Above : Episcopal Logo)              

                                  (Right: His Lordship The Right Rev Dr. Rowan Williams MBE,D.I.S.C.O)

The Anglican communion was once again in uproar yesterday over the announcement that they ordained an openly Christian cleric as the new Bishop of Edinburgh.

The Rev. Basil Nice (43) has sparked controversy before in his 12 year career with his outlandish behaviour and his candid opinions. After being a priest for only six months in his first parish of Hamilton, he upset his flock by dismissing Astrology as "a complete load of bollocks and incompatible with the Christian world view." He then further embarrassed everyone by selling all his possessions and giving the proceeds away to a homeless shelter.

Speaking from his villa in Portugal Rev. Nice's former assistant to the Rector at Hamilton , Maj. Tim Wealthy ,explained. "We didn't see a problem at first as he can do what he likes with his own cash, but it made the rest of us feel very guilty and awkward. Then he had a go at the Masons, saying that we ought to make up our minds which religion we wanted to be in. It just isn't on.

Women's Institute organiser Elspeth Tiara-Mansion (Over 21) from his former parish in Morningside complained bitterly to the General Synod that nice had cancelled her Yoga classes and instead introduced Bible study hours. "Phewww!!! What a loony." Was the only comment she would make to The Satire this morning. 

His ordination has come at a time when both Scotland's Primus and the Archbishop of Canterbury are already under fire for the appointment of George Stout as the Bishop of St. Andrews. Stout (52) astonished everyone when he came 'out' as a believer in the virgin birth and claimed the Resurrection as "a very real event." Many people have alleged to have seen him reading The Bible in a sincere manner. Local press have reported him cruising  for converts in the seedier parts of towns and cities offering people forgiveness for their sins.

Meeting the very owl like Dr. Rowan Williams at Lambeth Palace earlier today I asked him frankly if this was the thin edge of the wedge. He was very concerned at the outrage over this issue . Speaking from his perch he told me. "I'm very concerned at the outrage over this issue but I have very little or no authority over the Scottish Church" He hooted and blinked revolving his head around in an impressive 360 degree sweep. "Further more, if you ask me jumping up and down and doing your nut about things is not very helpful. There are a lot of intolerant bigots out there who just can't see anybody else's point of view. Especially if those views are a bit Bible thumpy and weird. But let's face it, I mean people don't come to church to be preached to. We should forget all this dogmatic brouhaha about, 'did Jesus say this?' or 'would Jesus do that?', and just get on with the central Christian message about all being jolly nice to one and other.

Taking advantage of the Archbishop's momentary distraction by a mouse in a neighbouring field, I pressed him further as to whether or not this could split the church. "Will this split the church" I said. " Off course there will always be those who can't accept the churches teaching on things. To them I can only say,' look. Jesus had a beard and so do I....geddit? No? Right!  Off course not.That's why I'm an Archbishop. And you are not.' "

The Rt Rev. Dr. Rowan Williams was appointed Archbishop of Canterbury when his predecessor Rt Rev. Dr Drew Carey left to pursue a career in an American sitcom. Unfortunately for him the voices of dissent are legion. The outspoken and controversial former Bishop of Edinburgh Dr. Richard Hologram branded Williams a "beardy tosspot", and confidently boasted that he could " take him any day." "Mark my words." He continued." This is the slippery slope to setting The Church back 2,000 years. Before you can say 'disestablishmentarianism' we will all be running around in robes and sandals healing the sick, and taking the Ten Commandments seriously. Frankly it's a total balls ache."

Richard Dawkins is 67.

Controversial US Exorcist To Visit Scotland

(Pictured: Top, Bob Larson. Above. A photo of the Smugness Demon captured using special photography)

Controversial American Exorcist Bob Larson has announced he plans to visit Scotland next month to exorcise a few of our demons - and he's starting with the First Minister.

Speaking on the telephone this morning, Larson told us, 'Why, lordy lordy I've seen this man on my television set and the Smugness Demon is possessing him something awful, so it is, lordy lordy and no mistake, y'all'

He then went on to site a few more instances of the damned and possessed amongst the Scottish establishment. According to Larson, Jackie Bird is possessed by a giant pteradactyl which compels her to write terrible sitcoms and to believe she is sexually attractive to men under the age of sixty. Whilst Jackie sleeps, the terrible beast awakens from its slumber and flies round the room practicising its alluring grimace and trying on sexy underwear.

And that's not all. Larson has also singled-out Scots TV presenter Nicky Campbell as being possessed by the 'Patronising twat' Demon.

And according to Larson, the entire City of Glasgow has been under the power of the 'Weegie' Demon for literally centuries.

Larson told us, 'Glaswegians are actually very camp effete sorts, lordy lordy, I do declare. But for hundreds of years now a Demon of obesity, tedious humour and irritating people by talking to them at bus stops when they just want a quiet fucking life - has possessed the good people of the city. I intend to rid them of this terrible curse and no mistake, yessir indeed!'

Larson is a controversial figure in the US, having amassed a fortune from his work and recently exposed a journalist for being possessed by the 'Finding me in bed with a prostitute' Demon. And another for being under the power of the 'Realising my head looks like an engorged cock covered in Brillo Pads' Demon.

Neither Alex Salmond, Jackie Bird or any of the fair people of Glasgow were available for comment, but Larson's crusade continues.

'My crusade continues,' he told us.'Praise the Lord and pass another slice of that them there pumpkin pie, lordy lordy, yessir indeed ..' etc.

Church Of Scotland Minister Slammed For Using The 'G' Word

(Pictured: The controversial cleric relaxes at his Morningside home)

A Church of Scotland minister was today suspended after rashly using the 'G' word in one of his weekly sermons.

The Minister, Reverend Michael Meekie of Kirkcaldy Parish Church used the term casually in his regular themed Sunday sermon on 'Doing unto others ...'

A senior spokesman for the Church told us, ' I don't know what Meekie was thinking. It's okay to refer to god indirectly of course and in private. There's no way round that one, unfortunately.

'But we never use the term directly, if we can help it, and certainly never in church! The punters would run like blazes. We prefer instead to let them think it's all about the cakes, the jumble sales and shite newsletters.

'If they thought for a second that G.O.D had anything to do with it they'd flee like rats, and we'd all be fucked. I need this job. there's bugger all else I'm qualified for. Leave the religion to the Catholics, that's what I say'

ill-informed commentators, attempting to take their minds of their own miserable lives, immediately began calling for Mr Meekie's resignation and public execution. Whilst members of his parish were quickly seen to rally round and had this evening gathered outside his Morningside home to openly burn effigies of the obviously evil bearded heretic.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was quick to capitalise on the incident. ' I knew Meekie was scum,' he told us. ' The man's despicable masterplan has obviously been to bring down the country from within and his diabolical, hook-handed, medieval ways have almost brought this country to its knees with bankruptcy. Thankfully, now that he is in chains, we can go forward into the bright future as one nation. Five more years!'

He was then led away by his nurse.

Mr Meekie is said to be considering his position and was today unavailable for comment.