"Brexit a Total Disaster" Says Posh Bint

Cornelia with her horse 'Soubry' that she "imported very cheaply from the continent"

Interview by our Chinless Wonder Correspondent: Sir Charlton Mingle-Mingleton III (MC, DSO, and BAR)

Brexit. What is it? Why is it important? Who uses it? Should we be afraid of it?

A resounding "yes!" to all three questions according to serial wife and professional clotheshorse, Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe. She pontificates condescendingly to our very own Charlton Mingle- Mingleton of that Ilk.

Satire: What's your view of what's happened so far?

Cornelia: Well it's awful, isn't it, simply awful with that frightful woman Theresa whatever her name is, just arsing everything up completely. I mean who made her in charge, with her ghastly wardrobe and gauche shoes. Well really.

Satire: Yes. Many people feel betrayed by the fact that this being one of the most decisive votes in UK history, the government is failing to carry out the clear will of the majority and...

Cornelia: Look here. All this rot about democracy is all very well but democracy should be about getting things right, and here the people quite obviously got it wrong. Who put them in charge? With their ghastly wardrobes and their gauche white vans? The vehicles I mean, not those awful shoes. And their nasty parochial bigoted views. Hugo and I live here in the Cotswolds half the year and it's very difficult to get help as it is. I mean what are we to do if we get out of Europe? 

We have a wonderful maid named .......um...well her name is perfectly unpronounceable, it's some sort of foreign name. She comes from Russia or Poland or something or other... Hugooo?! (Shouts to her husband in the next room) Where's that girl from? You know, the one who cleans up and cooks? Oh well it matters not, the point is she's very very cheap and sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs. Can I get someone local to do that? Can I buggery, so there you have it.

Satire: What's your view of what should be the next step? How should Theresa May's government proceed? Should we bite the bullet and go for no deal, or do you think another referendum is the best way forward?

Cornelia: Another vote would certainly stave things off for a while. Should that go wrong we can always do it again. Until these so called people get it right. For the love of god, it's perfectly simple. I have a Spanish gardener, I think his name is Jose, at least that's what I call him because he's always watering the plants. But the point is he's very very cheap and who else will I get to clean up my dog's shit from the patio or muck out the stables for next to nothing? I mean reaallly.

Satire: What do you say to the accusation that people like yourself are only really concerned about your own narrow self interest and don't really care about the wider implications of remaining in the EU especially for ordinary working people?

Cornelia: Working people?Well I beg your pardon but how do you think I pay for all this?( waves her hand around at the various paintings and objects d'art) My last two husbands both went bankrupt and left me with next to nothing. I'm down to only two horses in the stables, Hugo works bloody hard as an Investment Banker which, God love him, hardly pays the bills. So I have to keep up my modelling career, which of course doesn't pay what it used to thanks to competition from these Eastern European girls. I know what a hard days work is, thank you very much. I've done a couple and it's no joke.

Satire: So how do you think a no deal Brexit will affect you?

Cornelia: Well my daughter Lucy is at school in Switzerland, so christ knows what we will have to do there. Hugo and I have a second home down in the Dordogne.....or is it Alsace? (Hugo shouts through "It's both") How are we supposed to get there? Not to mention all our vineyard workers come from Romania or some godforsaken place. What do we do about that, employ French people? Fuck that! I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm jolly angry about this. This is the harsh reality that people like me are faced with when you let democracy loose on the unwashed.


Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe(33) is a fund raiser for People's Vote

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See David perform a selection of his greatest hits live including old favourites such as...

            "Holocaust? What Holocaust?"

                   "6 Million Mein Arsch"

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         Glasgow  19th December








                                           
                                     

                      

SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts

Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.

New MP Reveals Ambition to be a Signpost

Miss Black practising being a No Entry sign

Britain's youngest MP since Pitt the foetus has both shocked and delighted parliament by announcing a long held ambition to be a "Signpost". 

Mhairi Black, who represents Paisley and Renfrewshire South, broke the news of her shock career change of plans in her maiden speech in the house yesterday to rapturous and unnecessary applause.

Miss Black, who trounced previous Labour incumbent and pigeon impersonator Douglas Alexander at the last General Election, has not yet decided what kind of signpost she wants to be. Although an SNP insider has revealed that it will most probably be a Keep Left sign.

Mhairi is not the only SNP politician with a desire to be an inanimate object. Alex Salmond revealed recently that he longed to be a urinal in the European parliament and Nicola Sturgeon dreams of being a doormat in the same building.

The people of Paisley are still reeling from Mhairi's staggering Election result.

"Hof of us didnae even realise there wis an election oan." Said 90 year old Agnes MacTights of Ferguslie Park. "The other hof thought she wis Mary Black the folk singer,"

Mhairi Black is finishing her homework.

Scottish Feminists Appoint Parrot as Spokesperson

Ms MacCaw posing for the press yesterday

Scottish Feminist group SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things)announced the controversial appointment of their new spokesperson yesterday. An Amazon Blue parrot.

Ms. Davina MacCaw (49) takes over from previous spokesperson Trisha MacFrigid(fuck off or al stab ye), after she got a good bunneting from a Masai warrior on a recent charity climb of Kilimanjaro in aid of tit cancer, and married him. Mrs. Kisioki, as she is now known, was unavailable for comment, as she is not allowed to speak for her first year as junior wife and was busy getting circumcised.

Ms. MacCaw made her first statement to assembled journalists at noon today and immediately confounded her detractors. Talking from a perch outside Hollyrood..

"Squaaawk screeeetch squaaawwwk." Began Ms. MacCaw to gasps of amazement. She continued eloquently.. "Screeetch..patriarchy....squaaawk rape culture.... screech.. domestic violence.. screech screech male privilege. (Flap flap) Squaaaaawwwwwk wage gap."

Rapturous applause erupted as the parrot stopped squawking and nibbled a cuttlefish. Many women present burst into tears.

"That was the most articulate and emotionally charged presentation of feminist theory I have ever heard. Sobbed Xena MacHarridan(still NOYFB) leader of the women's group. We have certainly made an intelligent choice in Davina."

Women's issues chunterer onner Kaye Adams(52, yes fucksakes she looks older) chimed in..

" I couldn't have made those points better myself. Mair screeching and squawking are what's needed in any discourse about gender issues. Amazon Blue. How apt."

SWAMT did not have it all it's own way. Our very own Tom Laird asked the parrot to justify some of it's comments.

"Could Ms. MacCaw explain why she is still pedalling the wage gap myth that has been so thoroughly and repeatedly debunked, and don't men experience domestic violence?" He asked smugly.

The smug look disappeared however when the parrot merely repeated the same points over and over again. Only louder and with more screeching and squawking. 

The gathered feminists orgasm ed simultaneously as our man could only look on exasperated. 

Turkey Refuse To Apologise For Bumming Lawrence

T.E Lawrence able to sit down six weeks after the  incident

Turkey have caused international outrage by refusing to apologise for the bumming of Lawrence of Arabia during WW1.

"This really is a scandal and a disgrace."Claimed Foreign Secretary William Haig earlier today. "In my view there should be no further attempt to integrate Turkey into the EU until they make an unreserved apology for this affront to Britain and good taste."

Lawrence, played by the recently couped Sir Peter O'Toole in a brief interlude of sobriety, was captured by Turkish troops while reconnoitring the town of Dara'a in which he was subsequently beaten and bummed by the Bey. An incident the Turks merrily, and mercilessly, turned into a popular song to the tune of Stephen Foster's The Camptown Races. Lawrence was unable to ride a camel for two months after the event.

The Turkish government were unrepentant and indignant however.

"We certainly will not apologise for this. In fact if you mention the incident once more to us we will bum even more British officers in future." Raged Mehmet Ali Bongo. Minister for Flagrant Disregard.

Former soldier, historian and Lawrence biographer Michael Asher commented.

"You have to understand that to the Turks Lawrence facilitated the attack. Wandering around in nothing but a bed sheet in a town garrisoned by a well known race of bummers. They reckon he was asking for it. Obviously I disagree. I think they are victim blaming here.

The international furore continues.

Sweden To Be Renamed "Softkogland"

Conan joins in The Satire campaign

The flaccid member

Thanks to a long running campaign by your super soar away on line news source The Satire, the country once known to us all as Sweden will from henceforth be renamed  Softkogland.

There were jubilant scenes in Stockholm yesterday when the news was announced. 

"We are so very happy with this knew name that better reflects our country and our ethos." Said 41 year old Tilde Bolrapp Chairperson of a local women's group Splittkipper.

Sweden, that joined the EU in 1995, is known as "The Flaccid Member" due to to the country's geographical resemblance to a limp penis and the extremely high number of emasculated men found within it's population.

Moves are under way to outlaw penises completely in Sweden but until that time the only penises allowed are soft ones. The castration operation began with the removal of the Swedish army's Nordic Battlegroup's heraldic lion's rampant appendage.

"Female soldiers were extremely offended by this. You just can't be allowed to go around with a penis whenever you feel like it.Even if you are a drawing on a coat of arms." Explained 49 year old Signe Saggertits Minister for the eradication of masculinity.

Sweden has a proud History. In ancient times gangs of Swedish males would travel round  the rest of Europe on exchange visits. The visits would culminate in good natured pillage and murder and the kidnapping of all the good looking women. In exchange the "Vikings" as they were affectionately known would take a shite on the altars of churches then laughingly burn the whole edifice to the ground.

During WW2 Sweden bravely remained neutral, merely allowing the Germans to avail themselves of their road and rail network to invade their neighbour Norway. They further frustrated the Nazis by limiting the amount of iron ore they exported to the Reich to a paltry 10,000,000 tons a year. They also proudly boast an arms industry with ethics that make the Monsanto corporation seem like a charitable organisation, and a flat packed furniture export industry that's the bane of many a DIY challenged husband the world over.

Despite this, Sweden, that forces men to sit down to pee, leads the world in self righteous indignation, finger wagging  and 'right on' sensibilities.

"The present renaming of our country is only a temporary measure until we can come up with a much more accurate and deserving one. Like Vajland." Shrugged 55 year old Minister for women and Cockfinder General, Astrid Kogstander.

Unemployment to Rocket Among Experts If Scotland Leaves UK Claim Experts

Some experts looking gravely concerned earlier

Thousands of experts will find themselves on the unemployment scrapheap, and forced to go door to door voicing their opinions if Alex Salmond breaks up the UK according to some experts yesterday.

"It could really be the worst case scenario you could possibly imagine." Said one expert over the phone earlier today.  Professor David Donaldson of Napier University continued gravely.

 "You may end up with a multitude of experts walking the streets accosting passers by, begging for spare moments of their time, to expound to them their latest thoughts on the economy, climate change, gender issues, and other subjects that most people will find tedious and ill thought through. Or then again they might not. It's a tough one to call. What are you asking me for? I'm in charge of the Creative Writing course."

Another expert, Francis Douglas PhD of SCAPEGOAT (Society for the Concern And Protection of Experts Going On About Things) outlined the potential seriousness of the situation.

"Allow me to outline the potential seriousness of the situation." He said pointing at a pie chart and some graphs. "At the moment experts are being consulted on a daily basis, sometimes up to six times, about what a pile of shite an Independent Scotland will be, or not, depending on who's asking. Our projections show that after Independence this kind of consultation will drop off to almost nothing. Disastrous. Probably. But don't quote me on that." He concluded feeding all his charts through a shredder.

The Satire caught up with some experts, who'd previously confidently claimed Gordon Brown to be an economic genius of a man who would romp to victory at the last general election.

 Prof John Turner of the British Antarctic Survey, currently trapped in sea ice he said shouldn't have been there, aboard the Akademik Shokalskiy, told us via a crackly line.

"Listen, smart cunts. I only said that about Gordon Brown down my local pub, ok. Yes yes everyone thinks it's easy being an expert. All they think we have to do is pull some stats out our arse, mumble some vague academic shite and use a lot of modals like could, might, probably, possibly. Fling in the odd phrase about 'studies suggest', and Robert's yer dads brother. Well it's a lot more difficult than that, I can tell you to my fucking chagrin mate."

Scotland to Break Away From UK Using Wind Turbines

Just a small amount of the proposed turbines

Oor Eck Showing the only way is UP(Literally)

In a shock announcement earlier today, The First Minister has exclusively revealed to your favourite online news source his brilliant plan to literally break Scotland away from the UK.

Shouting from a window in Bute House as he couldn't be arsed bumping into Nicola Sturgeon in the vestibule Mr. Salmond told The Satire..

" I was in the bath listening to Val Doonican's version of 'The Windmills of Your Mind' by Michel Legrand. Great stuff by the way, the production is fantastic. Anyway, It struck me that with the sheer amount of the fucking things we are building already we are, as Bon Jovi has astutely observed, half way there. If we step up the proliferation of the bird killing blight, I am convinced that within a year not only will we generate enough energy to power a small toaster( no more than 2 slice), but enough lift to rip Auld Scotia loose of it's ancient terrestrial fetters. Finally we can truly fly free. Ayyyy thenk yo!!!"

He then shouted "gardyloo!!" and emptied a bedpan left by previous incumbent Jack McConnell, all over us. 

"This is complete and utter madness!" Claimed a passing boffin who seemed to know a bit about turbines and that.

"No amount of turbines will actually create ANY lift at all. In fact it's doubtful how much electricity they will produce. Be that as it may, even if they were in fact giant propellers they will not be able to lift the whole of Scotland. If anything they'll just rip themselves out of the ground and spin about decapitating every fucker. Might I suggest fracking instead?"

"This sounds completely feasible to me." Chipped in environMENTAList and Guardian columnist George Monbiot. "However I believe that Scotland's future lies in still being attached to Great Britain. So I think the turbines should be rigged the other way so that it pushes us closer together."

Scottish Conservative leader and Wee Jimmy Cranky impersonator Ruth Davidson commented..

"I agree with George Monbiot that the UK should not be broken up. But think about the cost of this. For the price we could get a high speed train that runs from Glasgow to Edinburgh 20 minutes faster."

A homeless guy sitting nearby, gave his opinion stating..

" I don't really know much about turbines or the environment and stuff. But maybe we should all calm the fuck down and have a we bit more reasoned debate. Fuck knows! I can't stop shitting in my pants so what do I know?"

"The Boys Won't Let Me Plaaay!" Sobs Top Scottish Feminist

Miss MacClinton makes her feelings clear on the Patriarchy not buying her a pony

A top Scottish feminist roared and gret her eyes out at the boys not letting her join in the games yesterday.

Miss Hillary MacClinton(7) of Ravelston Dykes(that's an address not a women's support group) sobbed in the playground..

"I'm so sick and fed up an tired of the boys being mean to me, they never let me play football or soldiers or anything that involves throwing. The only thing they let me play is climbing, so they can see my pants. It's no fair!"

Toby Stevens(8)angrily hit back at her accusations.

"She's just a diva. Whatever that is. She's rubbish at throwing and runs like she's wearing calipers. If she doesn't get her own way she just greets and greets until someone forces us to let her join in. God help us all if she doesn't win. She throws a tantrum. Last week we had a race where the teacher gave her a head start of ten meters. TEN METERS! It was only a 50 meter race for flips sake and she still lost. But she screamed that much that the teacher said Hillary was the real winner and gave her the prize. I'm not playing with her anymore."

Will Graham(6) on the other hand spoke up for Hillary.

"I think she's nice and pretty and I would like to kiss her. Whenever I stand near her I get a warm fuzzy feeling. If I speak up for her and not be like the other boys, she might let me. I think she likes Toby though." He said sadly.

In a shock move the Scottish feminist organisation SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things) made Hillary their Honorary Chairperson yesterday.

"Young Hillary exemplifies the attitudes of the modern feminist and embodies our ethos. We are proud to admit her to our ranks after she finishes her homework." Said SWAMT leader Xena MacHarridan(Still none of your business).

Presenter and women's issues banger onner Kaye Adams(50 and wearing it) waded in.

"As I have been saying on my TV shows, Radio programme and weekly column in the Daily Record, women are denied a voice and have been for to long. Wee Hillary is an example to us all. Mair greetin' and less reasoned debate are what's needed. And you are not seeing MY pants, so there!"

"The boys are beastly, horrible and nasty and smell of poo!" added Hillary.

Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.

People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 

Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.

Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)

Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)

Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)

There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance and...er...geez a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)

Labour Party to Re-Launch Ed Milliband

                                                           Mr. Milliband before (left) and after (right) the re-branding


The Labour party has unveiled their "New Look" Ed Milliband exclusively to The Satire.
After a six month consultation process with PR gurus Wanky&Wanky costing £1,000,000 per month the leader of the opposition will now be re-launched as Eddie Megabland TM. Tarquin Wanky, co-director of Wanky&Wanky explains.

"If you look at the before and after photograph closely you can see how much work went into this re-branding process. On the Left you can see Ed looking a bit useless and bewildered and so last administration. Thanks to a new tie and a trim, in the photo on the right you can see the new dynamic Eddie looking all focused and Dave Camerony and stuff. We think we have a winning formula in the new look Eddie."

Together with the new look the team have come up with some hip new slogans for the launch.

"Megabland the Megabrand."

"He's Mega, he's bland, he's Megabland."

"Now with 33% extra bland it's MEGABLAND!"

are just some of examples of what's on offer. Asked whether or not the public would be fooled into voting for someone just by repackaging them as more conservative, Mr. Wanky replied.

"Why not? It worked for Tony Blair."

Shown the before and after photo's, regular rent-a-quote for The Satire Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead said.

"Who's that posh looking tosser? He looks a complete twat!"

On being told it was the leader of the Labour party Miss MacGlinchie said he'd definitely get her vote as her Mum always voted Labour.

If the re-launch is a success the team plan to re-brand Ed Balls by ironing his shirt and calling him Edward Bollocks.







                                                           

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

"SNP Will Kill Us All In Our Beds!!" Warns Jim Murphy

    "We're a' doomed! "Jim looks grim doing an Impression of Pvt. Frazer In Dads Army

Shadow Defence Secretary Jim Murphy ran amok through the streets of Edinburgh yesterday. Grabbing random people by the lapels screaming and shouting maniacally into their stunned faces.
The gist of his prophecy of doom is that if the SNP get their way they will murder us all and our cherub like children in their wee beds. East Renfrewshire MP Jim, who's hobbies include Football, Golf and entertaining notorious gangsters at Labour party fundraisers. Accosted, among many others, Mrs Ina MacTights(21) as she exited Scotmid.

 "I thought I was being mugged at first, then as he shook me back and forth he bellowed at me 'Don't you know you're all going to die! The SNP are coming! Run to the hills!' Well I nearly took a heart attack. There should be a law against it. Who was that lunatic?"

When our reporter explained that Mr. Murphy was a Scottish Labour MP. Mrs. MacTights said she would definitely be voting for him as that's what her mother always done.

In a prepared statement given to The Satire! yesterday evening Mr. Murphy further claimed that :

1. If Scotland breaks away from the UK it will fall into the sea and drown us all.
2. Children as young as 6 weeks old will be forced to eat porridge.
3. Lions, Tigers, Wolves, Polar Bears and Giant beavers will terrorize our streets.
4. The only programmes allowed on STV will be Parahandy, The White Heather Club, Thingummyjig and endless shows presented by Pat Kane.
5. Sean Connery will come round and slap your wife.
6. Drunks in English parks and underground stations will be repatriated.
7. Aliens will Invade

Jim Murphy wants your vote.

George Galloway SPEAKS! Satire EXCLUSIVE!

Speaking to The Satire yesterday, noble humble leader and voice of the common people, George Galloway (peace be upon his name) talked movingly about the next mountain he is set to conquer.

" It has been a great victory here in Bradford. A noble victory, a humble victory, a victory for the common man against the hordes of Babylon who have invaded the citadel of our noble yet indefatiguable proletarian heartland.

" But it does not stop here my friends, comrades, admirers and potential funding sources for future foreign jaunts ...

"For too too, and indeed, too, long, the Galloway household has been under an oppressive regime, a totalitarian dictatorship, a fiendishly manipulative yet indefatiguably powerful force. I speak of course of my wife - Mrs George Galloway.

"My cigar-smoking, loud shouting and bombastic tirades of long, unnecessary, indefatiguable and often grammatically incorrect sentences have already been banished from the sitting room during both Eastenders and, indeed, Coronation Street.

"And my friends, I am sad to report that I now cannot even pronounce upon my soapbox in the kitchen whilst waiting for the kettle to boil or for one of my beloved Poptarts to heat up.

" But no longer my friends, no longer. For with the sweep of momentum that this historic, noble, humble and indefatiguable victory has brought asunder, the popular might of the people shall be brought down upon this tyranny, And be in no doubt - it shall end!

"First we shall take back the sitting room. Next, the spare room and the kitchen. Then the top floor study, ground floor study, library, guest room and main first floor conservatory.

"Then it is merely a small step to retake the East Wing - not literally of course, its actually a 10-15 minute walk and three flights of stairs. But there is an antique fainting couch one can rest on to view the lake near the main stables half-way up.

"But once this part is captured and re-occupied by the people ( in the form, of course, of my good, moustachioed and noble self) then we shall have another historic victory under our belts my friends - and the proletariat will ... once more ... have spoken ...

"Viva La Revolutionae! And God Bless Bristol - sorry, Bradford."

Unemployment a Real Boon to Creativity Claims Unemployed Layabout

  (Unemployed layabout and satirical genius Tom Laird enjoying a Holiday in Africa at the taxpayer's expense. SCUM!!)

Being out of gainful employment is a real boost to creativity and should be encouraged says 44 year old slacker and self styled Editor in Chief of the on line satirical colossus that is The Satire!

In between bouts of chronic onanism Mr. Laird told himself. "This unemployment lark is fantastic. I don't know what the hell everyone is worried about. I can lay around in my festering wank machine all day if I like. Watching endless episodes of Frasier and Blackadder. Then of an evening I can stay out late on the pish not having to worry about dragging my sorry corpse out of my pit and going to my so called "work". 

Asked about how he intended to pay his rent or buy food Mr. Laird just grunted and disappeared back under the duvet with a copy of Big and Busty. Constant masturbation not withstanding Tom has managed to knock more than one out. In the last few days he's turned out more articles than he has in the preceding year. Seemingly backing up his theory.

"Ok, Ok. They might not be very funny." He said, strumming away to Escort. "But I thoroughly recommend telling your boss to shove the lucrative job up his arse. Before you know it you'll be giving that bastard B.P Perry at IV a run for his money on the funny stakes. I ask you? Who needs a job in the current climate, what with Christmas coming up and that? Anyway I'm not unemployed. I'm having a hiatus. You know, doing a gap year. I'm going to go inter railing round Europe." He laughed and laughed maniacally .

Tom Laird is almost 45, still has his own teeth and is available for sexual favours at reasonable rates.

Vladimir Putin Finally Cuts to the Chase and Gets His Cock out

(Photo of "Putin's Penis" released by his PR man.  Above: Putin indulging in various vicarious Cock Out pursuits)




Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister and savior has finally stopped arsing around with a load of macho posturing and got his cock out, once and for all proving beyond doubt what a big man he is.

That is according to a photo released by his PR Agency yesterday. The move comes amid calls from millions of bored Russians, sick to their tits of his macho antics, to just get it out and be done with it.

"I'm sick to my strategic tits of his macho antics." Groaned former world chess champion an political hopeful Gary Kasparov. "What bloody difference does it make to how well he can run the country? All that chest beating eh? What I want to know is why he won't play me at chess. Come on then. Let's have you Vlad. If you think you are hard enough. Let's see your moves. Ok, what about Draughts? Connect Four? Fuck it let's see who can pee the highest up the wall". He then made chicken noises and walked away doing a Norman Collier impression.

Mr. Putin is not the first Russian leader to demonstrate a direct link between cock and power. Ivan IV "The Terrible" would dispatch his dreaded Oprichniki to ride the length and breadth of the land waving a black banner bearing a "likeness" of Ivan's massive member at the peasants and nobles alike.

Potemkin would oft times sweep imperiously through the court of Catherine the Great, his cock trailing majestically and nonchalantly along the floor behind him. Sometimes with an enraptured Catherine still clinging to it. Much to the chagrin and consternation of her assembled nobility and clergy.

Stalin the "Georgian Ogre" was famed for his monster dong,due in no small measure to his own propaganda. On his death his penis was cut off and mummified for posterity and measured 11 inches long. New evidence suggests that his real phallus was taken to a secret location in a wood outside Ekaterinburg and cremated in a sardine tin of vodka, then replaced by Rasputin's.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment as he was wrestling a crocodile, naked, in a wolf pen watched by a group of Siberian schoolgirls.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)






(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)

Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.

The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.

"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.

News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.

"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.

Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.

Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra. 

Idiot Calls For Resignation Of Oaf

Kent threatens to "come over there and knock your c**t in Millaband!"

Janet Ringpiece (a feminist)

Justice Minister Clarke Kent was both called upon to resign and called "a dick" in Parliament yesterday.


The call was made by Wallace from Wallace & Grommet-a-like and opportunist mangina, Glenn Millaband after Mr. Kent seemed to make out that some crimes were a great deal more serious than others.
 His calls were echoed by thousands of hairy arsed harridans. One of whom, Janet Ringpiece (49) ,raged at The Satire " Theft is theft. To suggest that the man who sneaks over my garden wall and helps himself to a pair of my generously proportioned and deliberately unattractive knickers off my washing line, is any less a criminal than the man who breaks into my bedroom, bludgeons me in the face with a claw hammer, then makes off with all my life's savings, is absurd. They should all be castrated. Especially that fat twat Kent."

Mr Kent stood by his principles and was unmoved until it looked like he might lose his rather lucrative position. "Look here." He said, not pointing anywhere in particular, "I'm not going to apologise to anybody over this but I am extremely sorry to anyone to whom I caused offence and who's popularity in the polls might drop as a result of these remarks that I don't apologise for. I'm certainly not going to resign over it I can guaranfuckintee you that." He growled. He then received a mobile phone call from David Cameron and looked a bit worried.

Edinburgh Tram Project Scaled Down: Completion Date 2025

          The New scaled down version of the controversial Tram Project. "Marvelous"


Edinburgh City Council announced among great fanfare today that the hitherto ill fated Tram Project was well and truly "Back on Track". ( Pun totally intended")
Edinburgh City Council Transport Convener Davy Donaldson made the announcement from his holiday home somewhere in the Caribbean (attempts to find the exact whereabouts have proved difficult).

" This should wipe that smug grin off the face of those naysayers who naysayed things and that about us being able to finish this and stuff. It may well be scaled down to a miniature railway and  run round and round the castle instead of to The Royal Infirmary and the airport and useful places. But the kids will love it and coming in at only several Gazillion Pounds above budget, I think we can all agree it's a marvelous achievement that should make our children and grandchildren proud. Especially when they are to young to understand the issues involved. There will even be a funny wee man in a Casey Jones type outfit handing out the tickets and pointing out places of interest like ...er...The Castle and ..er ..yon kind of thing." He then shouted "Look there's Sean Connery!!" Then ran away when we turned round.

One of the naysayers was one Mrs. Margaret MacTights of Saughton. "This is a fuckin giant bucket of monkey shite." Spat the bespectacled octogenarian . God forgive me and excuse my language but If that cunt Donaldson was here instead of In Antigua spunkin away ma cooncil tax money on paragliding and and snortin' lines of chang off of black hookers's tits. I'd ram this zimmer that far up his colon, he'll think rippin up the tram lines in Princes Street is a cheap and relatively simple operation. Do any of yous know how to download porn onto this computer thing?"

A planned protest against the project was cancelled earlier this week when absolutely no fucker could get near the town for abandoned tram works.

Mags MacTights is 89, recently widowed and "chokin for darkies".