( Right: Slapper.Totally Different.
Thousands of men all over the World, but mainly one in Edinburgh, were ashamed today to realise they have been getting sexually aroused by perfectly respectable performance artistes.
"I'm thoroughly digusted wi maself." Cried 42 year old Tom Laird, ruggedly handsome yet witty,sensitive and intelligent reporter and Editor in Chief of The Satire. "There I was regularly spanking one out to the likes of Dita Von Teese, Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and Nicole Kidman in that shite film with Ewan McGregor about Paris and that. Now I realise that what they were doing has nothing whatsoever to do with stripping and is something totally different, I don't know where to look. I feel such a fool. I can only offer my sincere apologies to these lovely ladies for any offence caused and will assure them that from now on I will only tug myself off to them when they are not doing Burlesque."
These sentiments were shared by by men from New York to Hong Kong. Mulenga Bwalya(28) from Lusaka Zambia used to relieve himself discretely under the table at an internet cafe in the city's Cairo Road on a daily basis to the likes of Dita Von Teese,Pink, Christine Aguilera, Catherine Zeta Jones and "Madam Nicole Kidman in that most bad film with the Scottish man who rides motorbikes in Africa. But now God has shown me the error of my ways I am very sorry to those very wonderful women. I will only play with my chikala when they are not Burlesqeuing."
Deng Shiu Pong(31) from Shanghai told The Satire, " I am most confused. I thought these women were sexy and alluring. Now I have found out that they are professional artistes I am very annoyed with myself. I like very much Dita Von Teese, and the other ones the other two guys like as well as Nicole Kidman in that awful film with Charlie Boorman in it. I am very sorry and humbled that I spent much time masturbating like sick monkey. From now on I will be very careful to only jerk off to strippers."
Burlesque is an art form invented in the olden days when women weren't allowed to do striptease until they'd finished all the housework. It has had a recent resurgence due to the fact it allows middle class girls to prance about scantily clad. Getting their jollies whilst simultaneously looking down their noses at working class girls who get their kit off and rub their tits in men's faces for a living.
"Burlesque is an art form yeah. It's about female empowerment and expressing yourself. Men should not be getting turned on by it at all. It makes me very angry. Perverts!" Said Miss Imogen Waiterose aka 'Pousez Lix'(26), looking through her legs while bending over in fishnet stockings.
Mr Laird's trial continues at Edinburgh Sheriff Court.