Saturday, 27 October 2012

Sir Jimmy Saville Announced as New Doctor Who

In another stunning development in the Jimmy Saville scandal, the BBC have just announced Saville as the new Doctor Who.

Head of Children's Drama Davie Donaldson yesterday defended the decision, saying Saville was a much-loved British institution and a perfect fit for the role.

"It's been thought for a while that we need to reach a wider demographic with Doctor Who and who better to reach that demographic than that much-loved family entertainer, Sir Jimmy.

" I have to say I find these allegations against Our dear Jim that he is some sort of kiddie-diddler - and even worse the unkind smear that he died over a year ago - outrageous. He's just taken his time to respond to our emails, I'm sure that's all it is.

"Anyway, we recorded the new series last year so are planning to air episode one tonight on BBC1 after Strictly Come Dancing. It's a sure-fire ratings winner!"

The Satire believes that in this first episode, "Lord Doctor Sir Jimmy of Who" rescues a gang of teenage space gals from an evil alien schoolteacher using his flying Tardis-Caravan to whisk the girls off to the safety of his cottage in the Highlands where they can work for Sir Jimmy in little French Maids outfits doing bits & bobs around the house and getting Jim'll Fix it badges as rewards.

Four particular 14-year-old girls, hand-picked by Sir Jim, will also be working as his Assistants in the series, sitting on his knee whilst he puffs on his cigar explaining the plot and spending the rest of their time dancing awkwardly in the background, 1970's Top of the Pops style.

Mr Donaldson denied allegations this would further fuel the current crisis.

"These allegations against Lord Jimmy (Peace be Upon His Name) are ridiculous. Anyway, he already has his own distinctive Dr Who-style costume and catchphrases and so on. And we've even managed to get that big red throne-chair thing he used to sit in during 'Jim'll Fix It.' So now he can fly through space in style.

"He's got it all. The cigar, the shell-suit, the jewellery, the gold blond mop, the endless catchphrases, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh, What's this that's going on here then, Goodness me' etc. We've even managed to include his wrestling experience as one of his Super Powers. Frankly, the first series practically wrote itself.

"And don't even ask me about the merchandising possibilities for the Christmas market. We're sitting on a goldmine here, and as usual it's all thanks to Sir Jimmy!!

"We're already working with a leading pants manufacturer to produce teenage girls pants with Sir Jimmy's cheeky smiling face on the front. You mark my confident & utterly unassailable words - they'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes and (off the record, just between you and me) I'm in for 20%. God bless his Lord Jimmyship!

"Anyway, everyone knows Matt Smith is an irritating little twat and we'll all be glad to see the back of him. Under his stewardship, the role of Dr Who has deteriorated into nothing more than a boyband style heart-throb only watched by 12 and 13-year-old girls. This won't be an issue with Sir Jim, that's for sure. Everyone knows he's always been a thoroughly clean-cut all-round family entertainer. And, I don't know if you're aware of this, he does do a helluva lot of work for charity. I can't see what could possibly go wrong here."

Accusations that this is another insensitive move in the current climate were also waived away by the Director General yesterday.

"'Please, please, give us some credit. Those accusations are against a completely different Sir Jimmy Saville from your dearly beloved Auntie Beeb, it's all under control. Who do you think you're dealing with here - some sort of arrogant deluded out-of-touch fucking idiots? You are soo naive dude! Like, get with the programme, loll."

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Welcome to Paedo-Filey!

The sleepy British seaside resort of Filey in North Yorkshire has shocked the surrounding towns and villages with the decision to re-name the town "PAEDO-FILEY - Home of the Paedophile!"

The name change is the latest work by cuntroversial conceptual artist Damien Hirst whose philosophy ('I am an an artist - therefore everything I do is art!)' meant that when local mayor Davie Donaldson approached Hirst for a work of art to raise the town's profile, Hirst came up with the clever idea of a re-branding.

"I'm not an artist myself so I can't say I fully understand the entire concept" said Mr Donaldson, "But it must be art. I mean, Mr Hirst says it is and he should know - he's an artist."

"The thing is, it's been great for putting Filey back on the map. People now drive for up to 600 miles to vandalise the sign, throw stones through residents windows and even shit on my dead mother's grave. But more than 40% of them then stop off for high tea or fish & chips on the seafront. And you can't argue with numbers like that."

Residents of nearby Illfracombe, who have this week installed a giant 600 feet statue of Jimmy Saville with his cock out were said to be livid.

" Bunch of smart-arse cunts" said local Illfracombe artist Charles Mingles. " I came up with the Jimmy Saville idea to get us in the papers and then these cunts pull this stunt out of the bag. I wish I'd thought of this."

"And another thing, I know for a fact that there are far more paedophiles in Illfracoombe than there are in Filey. I know at least a dozen personally. So I find their claim to be 'The HOME of the Paedophile' spurious at best."

"In fact I'm thinking of taking the whole thing to the European Court of Human Rights. Let's get the police going through the hard-drives and we'll see just who can deliver the numbers!"

Mr Mingles' bloodied and beaten body was found hanging from the 'Welcome to Illfracombe' sign yesterday morning.

Tourist figures are already up 80%.

Paedo-Filey mayor Davie Donaldson told us, "This latest piece of nonsense with Mingles' body hanging from the town sign has already started to eat into our numbers.Thank God they never had the idea to drape his corpse over Sir Jimmy's erect cock, that would surely have finished us off!"

Mr Donaldson denied rumours that he was now considering commissioning a nude 600 ft statue of the Hairy Cornflake, Dave Lee 'Quack Quack Oops' Travis. "No, we will definitely not be considering that option. I mean, there have to be standards you know."