Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Spanish Plot Exposed!!

The Myth...Latin beauty The harsh reality......harridan













A Spanish conspiracy to Export all of their unattractive and unpleasant women to Scotland was sensationally uncovered by an amateur investigator in Edinburgh recently.

Tom Laird a sometime contributor to The Satire gave us this exclusive report yesterday. Speaking from an undisclosed location and heavily disguised as a drunken deadbeat Tom unfolded the results of his painstaking 3 year investigation into the shocking truth of Spain's spiteful covert war. " I have been to Spain, it's a very beautiful country and I know first hand that there are a plethora of gorgeous dark Latin lovelies there. " He said speaking slowly and deliberately, with a hint of regret and anger in his quivering, manly and attractive voice.

"But 3 years ago I started to become suspicious of the amount of sheer munters that seemed to be arriving from there in droves to haunt the highways and byways of our fair city. I thought to myself that there was no way this could be happening by accident. It had to be a conspiracy. I decided to investigate and was horrified by what I uncovered."

According to Laird there is conclusive and irrefutable circumstantial evidence that Spain is not only preventing congenial and good looking women from traveling abroad, but are deliberately encouraging all their specky bucktoothed harridans to move to Scotland.

"Oh it's an established fact" claimed Laird emphatically." There are at least three large government sponsored agencies involved in this outrage. They are based in Madrid, Barcelona and Bilbao. Women who express a desire to travel are rounded up and taken to these processing centers in trucks under the cover of darkness. There, any women who are remotely good natured, funny or sexy are weeded out.

They do this by showing them Nazi type propaganda films on the horrors of traveling abroad where they will be instantly raped and murdered on arrival. Then it gets really sinister. All the ugly and obnoxious ones are then immediately processed. This involves indoctrination in Stalinist neo feminism and issuing them a uniform consisting of a big thick unfashionable pair of specks, a horrible out sized green chunky knit sweater, a pair of manky jeans, and a pair of silly shoes that are very uncomfortable so as to make them even crabbier. Then they fuck about with their hair to make it extremely unkempt and dye it a terrible burgundy colour. Finally they are given money and a false boyfriend. Usually an emasculated beardy prick who likes The Beautiful South. Then they are flown directly to Edinburgh."

Amazingly Laird claims that all Spanish ports and airports are carefully monitored by a shadowy organisation known as La Policia d'espoilers who will prevent any unauthorised woman leaving the country. He is however unsure of Spain's motives.

" I know the what and where but not the why. I assume it could be revenge for the fact we send so many drunken arseholes over there....or it might be about Gibraltar. Who knows ..but you only have to look at that fucking monstrosity of a parliament they built at Holyrood to realise the cunts have definitely got it in for us."

The Spanish Embassy have ominously refused to comment.

7 comments:

shakespereanmonkey said...

I notice your spanish beauty has red hair and blue eyes - you gimp!

funny though

Tom Laird said...

Yes, true. But she is Spanish.

FfFFfwoooar!!!

shakespereanmonkey said...

Is she? Oh ... right.

Well, if youre going to stick to facts and logical argument, thats not good to me sir.

Good day.

Musky said...

I heard that when the Spaniards have a doze o' the constipations, they canna pass-a-doblay. Is that so?

The Satire! said...

Yes, Musky. That's quite correct.

Our Cultural Liason Officer Professor Laird who wrote this piece is currently off attending a conference on Haggis & Shortbread, then off to judge a bagpipe compeition. Then is set to give the inaugural speech at the 2008 'challenging stereotypes in scottish media' conference.

But I shall be sure to pass on your analysis whence he returns.

Charlie Mingles, co-editor

Anonymous said...

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to convey my anger and disappointment with this article in the strongest terms possible.
I find it most offensive and unfair that you should insult Spanish people in this purile and childish fashion. You have reduced Spain to the level of a grotesque an hideous stereotype merely for the amusement and entertainment of others.
There is far to much of this sort of thing about these days. It's a disgrace and I demand an apology.

Yours

Andrew Sachs

London

Anonymous said...

piss off back to Nazi germany you hypocritical little monkey-impersonating twat.

Yours in Christ
Hazel Blears