Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.

ADVERTISING FEATURE

                                  Fourth Reich Promotions
                                               Present...

                David Irving
                    + Support

                            Screwdriver

                                       Nordic Thunder

                                                    Jim Davidson

                                                   Nick Griffin  cancelled



See David perform a selection of his greatest hits live including old favourites such as...

            "Holocaust? What Holocaust?"

                   "6 Million Mein Arsch"

         " Hitler, Goering, and Himmler were all at   a stag do in Ibiza at the time"                                             

                Don't miss the brand new numbers..

          "Ok, there might have been a few accidents at Auschwitz."

                              "Geez a Job"

...........and the very touching.. 

              "any chance of a tenner gov?"

                   
         Glasgow  19th December








                                           
                                     

                      

SNP and UKIP Swap Scripts

Soapy Soutter  Hands over the SNP script to David Cockburn

In a shock move the SNP and UKIP have swapped scripts, a secret Satire investigation has uncovered.

At 01:15 am last Saturday morning(just after the Holyrood Tavern Kicked out) in an NCP car park at St. John' s hill Edinburgh a clandestine meeting between the two party representatives took place. Simply rolling down the windows of there parked vehicles the two exchanged the papers and the comments " cunts!" and "twats!" respectively.

"This explains everything." Said The Satire's Editor in Chief, political correspondent, investigative reporter, runner and handsome bastard Tom Laird.
"For the last few years the SNP have been gibbering on about how great independence is and how Scotland is quite capable of going it alone standing proud on its own two spuds. However recently they've started to say that independence is an insane idea and only a complete and utter fuckwit would contemplate not being part of a greater economic community.

In complete contrast UKIP spent their time chuntering about how Scotland couldn't possibly survive leaving the Union, and that independence was lunacy on a par with sticking your cock in a toaster. NOW apparently leaving an economic and political Union is a fucking top idea that only an imbecile chimp or a diabolical traitor in the mode of Lord Haw Haw would consider opposing. You couldn't make it up."

Neither the SNP or UKIP were available for comment as they were busy learning each other's patter.