Obama Wins X Factor Bombshell!

Every cunt and his dog, including The US President, and Bo were completely bamboozled to discover that the leader of the free world was this years X Factor Winner.

"I'm completely Obamaboozled by this", said the White House's 44th incumbent before an equally flummoxed press corps. "For the life of me I can't even remember taking part. Nevertheless I accept the award on behalf of myself and the American people and pledge to continue winning prizes for competitions that I have not entered. God Bless Amnesia."

Asked how the fuck this could have happened by the rest of the X Factor's over confident egotistical twats, creator and host Simon Cowell explained." We realise that Mr. Obama can't sing, dance or stick a weird object up his cock, and fully appreciate the actuality he didn't get to the final or even enter or take part in any way. But the fact remains he is just the kind of guy who would win it if he had any talent or was in any way inclined towards doing any of those things. He has all the right ingredients. He is dynamic, black, confident, black, a Democrat, black and of course to top it all off he's black. Anyway have you seen his stand up comedy? It's better than Lenny Henry any day."

A spokesman for the republican party Rep. Dwight D.Donaldson III, hit out. " This is horse shit. He never even auditioned for the damn show for criminy's sakes. How could he possibly have the balls to stand up there and take the credit. Next thing you know they'll award him the Nobel Peace prize for sending 40'000 extra troops to Afghanistan."

Mr. Obama was unavailable for further comment as he was accepting the Nobel prize for Chutzpah.

Obama Change Train Thunders On.

                    (President Obama : Not being like former  president  Bush)

From our Washington Corespondent: Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's train of change continued to rumble down those tracks at breakneck runaway speed yesterday when in a shock move he replaced the curtains in the Oval Office.

The unprecedented move has polarised political pundits who praised and condemned the action in equal measure. A top White House aide, Dwight D. Donaldson, sang the presidents praises to this reporter down the telephone this morning. " I think this sends a clear message that the old regime has gone for good and that a new age is dawning for America. The curtains are merely the tip of the iceberg. I can disclose that their are radical new plans afoot to completely replace the soap dispensers in the toilets as well. I think people will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel for our great nation. One with a new energy saving bulb at that."

Even allowing for the terrible connection it was a strange song with a complete lack of rhyme, rhythm or melody and his guitar was in need of retuning. 

Outside the White House rails a big group of naive candy assed liberals hooted, whooped and a hollered and done that stupid dance where you stir a big invisible bowl of porridge with both hands. "We love you Barack!" Shrieked 16 year old, over enthusiastic, unattractive and overweight  Sophomore Kelly Bagel, through the railings.

From his home in Hollywood actor Richard Dreyfus sent a televised message to Obama supporters, encouraging them to continue a candlelit vigil for the complete interior redecoration of the Presidents home. "A total lack of vision in the curtain department characterised the last Presidency and contributed to the deaths of thousands in Iraq and Afghanistan. Those days are over and our troops can die proudly in the knowledge that they have a Commander in Chief who cares deeply about drapery." Intoned Mr. Dreyfus. The actor best known for annoying Robert Shaw.

Scathing attacks were launched across the political right today though. The most blistering coming from Talk Radio host  Rush Boorman who bellowed, "This proves that Obama is the worst kind of tax and spend liberal, robbing the hard working middle classes of America in order to pay for his Commie curtains. I bet they are red. Mark my words it's the thin edge of the pinko wedge. Today the curtains, tomorrow the soap dispensers, then before you know it heavily armed BATF thugs will storm through your door and redecorate your house with all fagoty pastels and shades. Over my red white and blue curtain draped body!" 

President Obama was unavailable for comment as he was printing huge sums of cash to spend on bombing Afghanistan.

Obama Change Train Derailed

( Barack Obama: Attempting to levitate the whole of America out of the shit)

From Our Washington corespondent Chuck Mingles

Barack Obama's Train of change crashed to a spectacular halt yesterday, as millions of ordinary hard working Americans awoke to the realisation that it was going to be the same old shit with a different boss.

Disgruntled former Obama campaigner Mike Delaney(35) a Stevedore from Philadelphia woke up this morning and found to his disappointment that he still had bills to pay.

" I mean is this the shit what I busted my ass to get Barack elected for for christsakes?" He promised us change. He is just another lying politician. Apparently I will still got to pay my bills after he gets sworn in. What bullshit is this?" Asked Delaney angrily from his clearly dilapidated house. "And my wife is STILL a fat bitch!" He added ruefully.

Mr. Delaney is sadly typical of many disaffected voters all over America. According to a CNN poll carried out last night:

• A staggering 78% of the population still felt that their life was shit.
• An Incredible 69% claimed their kids still hated them.
• A whopping 94% said their neighbors were assholes.
• 60% were shocked to realise Obama was black.
• 75% felt betrayed that the second coming of christ didn't happen.
• 63% agreed with Delaney that their wives were still fat bitches.
• 49% said Obama should fry for what he did on 9-11.

This news puts somewhat of a damper on Obama's sweeping victory in the recent election.

"We at least thought the euphoria would last till after he was sworn in."

Said Obama spokesman Dwight D. Donaldson (48). Asked about Republican calls for The President Elect to prove his nationality Mr Donaldson coughed and said "We are responding to that question as quickly as we can. There seems to be a problem finding Barack's passport. It appears the dog may have eaten it.

Former Republican presidential nominee John McCain commented in reply. "Has anyone seen my glasses? I'm sure I had them. "His wife pointed out they were on top of his head then directed him back to bed.