Owl & Pussycat Lost at Sea

Pictured: the two daft twats in question ... just as they set off yesterday

A nocturnal bird and a domestic feline were today thought lost at sea after setting out in an attractive emerald-coloured ocean-going vessel.

Senior Coastguard spokesman Mr David Donaldson told us, “We believe the two creatures set off with some honey and a large amount of cash, wrapped up in a £5 note. Other than that though - no sat nav, proper food, water or mobile phone. Also, it’s clear that neither of the creatures had any sailing experience. So it’s perhaps inevitable that they should have run into trouble.

“It seems the cracks first began to appear when the feline realised it did not have opposable thumbs and so could not effectively grip the oars - and they soon began to drift out into open water. Additionally, the money they were carrrying was in the form of gold coins, and it’s thought the weight of the bullion led the boat to slowly sink below the water-line, letting in water. They tried to bail out the vessel using their only source of food, said jar of honey, but with neither creature possessing a good enough grip, the venture was obviously doomed.

“Also, there’s evidence that the cat may have eaten the owl. Aren’t they natural enemies? In hindsight, it seems clear that this may have been inevitable all along. After all, if I set out to cross the Pacific Ocean accompanied by 20 quid, a hungry tiger and a jar of Marmite - I wouldn’t anticipate surviving the journey. Daft twats!”

Sir Stephen Redgrave has today put on hold his proposed trip to row across the English Channel accompanied by Freddie Kreuger, Rosemary West and a box of Pop Tarts. Sponsors of the trip, HBOS - were said to be disappointed.

Frog Falls Foul of Tough New Laws

A Frog got on the wrong side of Lothian and Borders Police early last Thursday evening in Inverleith Park Edinburgh.

Mr. Phileas Froggy (3) was spotted riding through the popular recreational area at 18:30 hrs by A traffic patrol car and pulled over.

Sergeant Sandy Hitler (33) (No relation) had this to say about the incident affecting a posh mockney accent. " My colleague and I were carrying out an operation directed against teenage tearaways on mini moto's around the Inverleith area on Thursday last, when we observed the aforementioned amphibian riding his Harley Davidson Green Dragonfly through the public park erratically and to the reckless endangerment of other park users. On apprehending Mr. Froggy he was found to be in possession of a sword and a pistol. When questioned as to the nature of his activities he explained that he went out 'a courtin' and having been late for his rendezvous with one Miss Mouse had decided to take a shortcut through the park to save time. It being explained to Mr. Froggy that he was in contravention of the Countryside code Par3 Subsection A (vi) and the Armed Amphibians Scotland act 1998, he was cautioned and subsequently arrested and charged. Let this send a strong message that the people of Edinburgh will no longer tolerate this sort of loutish if quaint archaic behaviour."

Speaking from his pond in the back garden of 26 Arboretum Rd Mr. Froggy croaked " It's no as though they could be out catching paedophiles and murderers they have to be picking on innocent frogs going about their business. The sword happens to be an Innocent Hattori Hanzo that was a Christmas present for Miss Mouse's wee nephew, and the Pistol was a muzzle loading duelling job passed down to me by my Grandfather. Just in case Uncle Rat got the hump at me trying to nip his niece and called me out. It's hardly Al'qaeda is it? The bastards have also crushed ma bike.To top it all off the whole episode has completely ruined any chance I had of getting ma hole.

His neighbour Mr. Toad (5) offered, "I have known that laddie since he was a tadpole and he wouldn't hurt a fly. It's a shame. "The flies of the neighbourhood have however disputed this point hotly.

The law however takes a dim view of this sort of thing in light of recent tragedies, and should  the hapless Froggy be convicted, he could receive the maximum 10 years. Even with the automatic half remission he could end his days behind bars.

Miss Mouse and her Uncle Rat were unfortunately unable to comment as they had both been tragically killed in a freak boating accident involving being swallowed up by a big black snake. Hmm Hmm, Hmmm Hmmm, ahaaa.