Greta Thunberg Exposed as 35 Year Old Man

As Alter Ego Jones

Thunberg

There was shock in absolutely no quarters today as pint sized, baby faced, pain in the arse activist Owen Jones was exposed as Greta Thunberg.

The, in hindsight blatantly obvious, discovery was made half an hour ago by Satire Editor in Chief Tam Laird while munching a bowl of corn flakes and lazily perusing the internet in bed.

"I was lazily perusing the internet in bed, looking for porn as usual, in the interests of journalistic research naturally. I began trying to type in Greta Milos the "actress" but, embarrassingly. before I  knew what was happening there were loads of fully clothed pics of  the stunning and brave Swedish wunderbrat Greta Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg . I was wiping milk and cereal off my computer screen. Disappointing to say the least. It was at that moment I put two and two together and realised who "she" really was. When you think of it, you've never seen those two together."

The Satire  caught up with the 35 year old lefty gobshite Jones on his way home from a BLM Transgender vegan basket weaving workshop and confronted "him" over the deception.

"How DAAAAaare you" he snarled at our reporter. "I identify as a 17 year old Swedish schoolgirl and as my Marxist principles are perfectly in line with modern environmentalist dogma there's no deception involved. Now get out of my way you bigot I have to finish my homework"

But BBC political grandee Andrew Neil hit out..

"For fucks sakes had I have known that we could have saved time and a fortune by not having to grill the cunts separately."

Owen Jones is a twat.

Music Business " Chuffed to Fuck" About Bowie

Bowie

Lemmy

The music industry where said to be chuffed to fuck yesterday about the death of David Bowie. The shock demise of the switch hitting songster comes hard on the heels of the recent croaking of Mortarhead front man Lenny Kravitz.

"We're Chuffed to Fuck to hear the sad news about David Bowie as this means the entire business can go into overdrive selling loads of shit. What with it being on the heels of that other bloke what died of an extremely opportune cancer of the arsehole or something. All we need now is that cunt MacCartney to shuffle off for the treble." Said silly hairdoed impressario and celebrity shitehouse Simon Cowell. While on the phone to his agent, trying to get photo ops of himself greetin' while staring wistfully at a copy of Diamond Dogs.

"This is terrible news." Chimed in Toby Shortbread the Manager of HMV on Princes St Edinburgh.
"We just got the front of shop all Motorheady with books CDs , DVDs , mugs, T-shirts , posters and other worthless shite that's been clogging up our storeroom for ages. Now we will have to clear some of that away and Get our Bowie shit together. On the bright side it's good for the tills as we usually sell fuck all after Christmas. This gives me a great chance to offload all those Blue ray DVDs of Labyrinth that I've been stuck with. They'll fucking fly out the door at a decent mark up."

Regular Satire rent a quote Maureen MacGlinchie of Parkhead was out shopping in The Forge when this reporter caught up with her and her six weans.

"I'm just here tae spend ma Christmas vouchers wi the weeans so am ur. I was definitely gonnae buy Munterhead's Space of Aids fur ma da so a wis. Then a saw that Munterhead made a load of other songs and even albums and got confused. Then a found oot that Bowwowwow were pan breed as well. It gave me a quandry, so a just boat Now That's What I Call An Atrocity vol 169."

BBC Radio Scotland's Vic Galloway was unsurprisingly upbeat.
"We were all ready to play a load of Motorhead stuff selected for the programme by the members of Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura and Chvrches. But theyd never heard anything other than Ace of Spades. So it was quite a relief When Mr. David Bowie esquire bit the dust. Fuck that Heavy Metal Pish."

His Radio Scotland colleague Billy Droan added.
" I'm extremely saddened to hear of the death of my good mate David Bowie. Especially after the sudden death of my bestest great pal Lenny Bruce of Monster Magnet. Now here's a track from U2."

Stockbridge rent a quote for all things muso Olaf Furniss, summed things up nicely when he oppined.
"This is tragic. I'd even say it's Pish yeah. I'm on holiday in Mexico and thought I'd nowt better to do than drink mojitos, eat veggie tacos and sun ma Peely Wally self. Now I'm going to have to knock out at least 500 words a piece to The Scotsman and The Skinny.
Inconsiderate cunts!!"

David Bowfy was 69

"I'm Pissed Off With Being Mistaken for Coulthard!" Says Bloke off of Ferrero Rochet Advert

Coulthard

Kahler

That German bloke off of the 90's Chocolate commercial has remarked that he's right fucked off with being confused with the Desperate Dan chinned British racing driver.

Wolf Kahler(73) the 6'2 actor who played a Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark told The Satire.

"Ich bin right fucked off mit zis. We are not even der same age fur fucksakes. It's embarrassing. Someone will ask me for mein autograph then say 'you look much younger on the telly Mr. Coulthard'. Gott in Himmel!"

Mr. Kahler from Kiel in Schleswig-Holstein who played a Nazi in Band of Brothers, blitzkrieged on..

"Ich wouldn't mind if it only went that far occasionally but it seems to be every other week now. Ich habe to avoid any motor sport related activities. Ich was delighted to be invited on Top Gear last month only to realise zat zey had made der same mistake. Schweinhunde!"

Wolf who played a Nazi in The Sea Wolves alongside Gregory Peck and Roger Moore stormed...

"It's getting beyond ein joke. Das final straw came when Michael Schumacher smashed his trolley into me in a supermarket in Koln then punched me in mein box shaped coupon. Before I could explain he'd knocked me clean out. Der twat! This would never have happened if Germany won the war. Seig Heil!" He thundered.

Kahler who acted the part of a Nazi in The Remains of The Day alongside Anthony Hopkins is set to play a Spanish transsexual prostitute in an upcoming David Lynch movie.*

*We apologise for the above inaccuracy. Wolf Kahler will be in fact playing the part of a Nazi in the upcoming sequel to Iron Skies.

Operation Yew Tree Arrests Test Card Clown

Days of  Innocence: In retrospect,. Are we surprised?

In a staggering new development, police under the aegis of operation Yew Tree have arrested Bubbles the test card clown off of the 70's. 

The 65 year old farceur was arrested at his home in a charity shop window in Staines Surrey by plain clothes officers. Police gave no more information other than a mannequin  in his sixties had been detained in connection with allegations of sexual offences carried out at the BBC between 1967 and 1984.

Friends and family alike are said to be absolutely shocked. "I'm absolutely shocked." Said Carole Hersee his co star in the popular transmissions. "He was always so quiet, but then again it's the quiet ones you have to watch. Of course you also have to watch the not so quiet ones like Stuart Hall I suppose. Dear oh dear." She continued placing her hand over her mouth.

Others however have always had their suspicions. "I always had my suspicions! Snapped B-list celebrity arsehole and slapper Kerry Katona. "I remember me and the girls were at the BBC doing a rehearsal for TOTP and Bubbles was being carried past us in a box. We were doing a raunchy routine, jiggling our tits and showing our arses and knickers while making pelvic thrusts and sucking our fingers. Completely necessary to convey the message of 'The Tide is High'. When out of the corner of my eye I saw Bubbles looking at us in a pervy way. Disgusting."

Fellow TV star Zippy from Rainbow spoke up in defence of the clown yesterday. "This is absurd. It was the 70's for fucksakes. It was well understood that if you were a tasty bird of whatever dubious age and you set foot anywhere near a TV star, producer, or Radio DJ you were up for it. These tarts knew the score. Gold diggers the lot of them. I groped Jane's arse loads of times and she didn't mind. Of course it wouldn't have mattered if she did, we would have just sacked her. Everyone knew she was shagging Bungle anyway. Slut!"

Bubbles was unavailable for comment today as he was in custody, and a fucking puppet.

It's A CockOut!!!

The Beast of the BBC seen here shamelessly brandishing his purple headed mic at HRH The Princess Anne

Shamed TV presenter Stuart Hall alarmingly walked free from court today after strategically playing his joker.

Despite being found as guilty as a weasel in a hen house, Lord Justice Edward Waring QC (yes we are aware Eddie Waring is dead  and never actually practiced law in any form, but in true tabloid style we at The Satire are not going to let those facts get in the way of a good story. Ed.) had no choice but to set him free.

"I had no choice but to set him free." Said Lord Waring through a slit in a specially constructed bunker. "According to an ancient bylaw, any man convicted of serious offences may 'playeth the jester' at a specific moment just before sentencing. I should have seen it coming but he had it hidden in one of those huge art portfolios that arsehole students go about with.. He doesn't get off completely free of course. He will now have to run back and forth from his probation office negotiating an obstacle course, wearing a big pair of clowns shoes and a horses head. Filling up a big plastic tube with buckets of coloured water, as the crowd pelt him with wet sponges and custard pies and bay for his blood. If he doesn't get enough water in the tube by the time the hooter sounds, he goes straight to jail."

The decision comes as a huge blow to Channel 5 who thought they had the next season of celebrity Big Brother all sewn up.

" We thought we had it all sewn up." Moaned Toby Tristram the producer. "We thought we could shoot the next series from the segregation unit of HMP Wormwood Scrubs. Rather than have to do our usual scrape through the bottom of the D- list celebrity barrel. All the recent big names would be there. DLT, Rolph Harris, Freddie Star and Davina McColl. But this latest ruling completely arses things up. Stuarts trademark cackle will be sadly missed. Let's hope for the sake of the ratings...er ..I mean justice, that he doesn't succeed in his challenge."

Drug Cheat Armstrong speaks exclusively to The Satire!

Catholic nun turned respected academic theologian and best-selling author Karen Armstrong has today spoken excusively to The Satire about her drug-cheating shame.

In a frank and candid no holds barred interview Armstrong revealed how sorry she felt about the whole affair.

Armstrong was caught cheating as part of a routine drugs test following her ninth consequentive victory in the annual 'Tour de Force' championship; where popular academic theologians battle it out over 21 gruelling days to write an entire book on an obscure aspect of Catholic doctrine - whilst simultaneously peddling an exercise bike.

"To be honest, I've never really understood what the exercise bike has to do with the whole thing. But them's the rules. Thankfully being an ex-nun, it goes without saying that I have very powerful thighs. So that part has always been a dawdle for me."

"And luckily, my 700-page articulation of the contrived parallels between the primary tenets of The Second Vatican Council and an obscure numinous aspect of Sufi theology was a winner with the judges!"

"That said, yes of course I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. But they're all at it. My drug of choice was a cocktail of communion wine, incense, horse tranquilisers with just a dash of crystal meths."

"If only I hadn't got caught, I could still be living it up in my big fuck-off Hollywood mansion riding that slice of sexy Texas tottie Sheryl Crowe ragged. I certainly showed HER the meaning of the word 'Transubstantiation'."

"Seriously, I literally had to explain the concept to her - seven times. Dumb bitch. But what a pair of freakin' knockers on it, eh? A mighty, mighty fine, ah-say-ah-say, a migh-tee migh-tee f-aaaaine piece of ass! Yes siree!, hot diggedy diggedy dawg! Praise the Lord! "

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

New for ITV1 in 2013!

(Pictured: Robson Green as Dr Tony Parsley.)

Coming Soon to ITV1 - Parsley & Sage

From the team who brought you the hugely popular "Rosemary & Thyme" now comes ... Parsley & Sage.

Tony Parsley is an occult herbalist. Theodora Huffington Sage is a wise wiccan woman and pagan astrologist. Together they solve crimes. Mainly missing persons and divorce cases.

Starring Robson Green and Caroline Quentin. 

Speaking exclusively to 'The Satire' relaxing on set between takes, star of the show Robson Green told us, "What they do is pretty routine work to be honest. I mean, at best they'll get a brief sense of achievement when they catch an unfaithful husband. But it's quickly replaced by the realisation that another marriage is now over. And what about the poor kids? Plus, everyone knows missing persons cases rarely end well ..."

To be frank, it's all thoroughly draining and depressing stuff. I'm on tranquilisers now. And my GP is pretty sure it's all down to filming this series."

"The thing is - it was all going so fucking well. I've just got re-married. We've got a new baby on the way. We've just moved into a lovely new home with a beautiful garden. And there are all of these great local amenities for the older kids. For the first time in years my ex-wife and I are on really good terms and her and Jenny get on like sisters!"

"But it's all turned to shit now, since I've been working on this show."

"Don't write this bit down, but I've started drinking again. And seeing prostitutes.  I pay them to humiliate me. It's the only way I can find any sort of peace from the screaming despair that now prowls around my head 24/7. Please help me. For the love of Christ, please help me!"

Parsley & Sage. Sunday nights. ITV1. 9pm.

(Viewers please note: the opportunity for the above-named characters to demonstrate, discuss or display any occult, wiccan, magic or supernatural powers, visions or extra-sensory perceptions of any kind is not utilised in any of the storylines, visuals, sub-plots or peripherals of this series - merely in the title itself.)

Another Unique! Reader Offer from Your Super Soaraway Satire!

Partridge On ... Cartridge!

"Hello, I'm TV's Alan Partridge and it was whilst lying here in my hospital bed recovering from a rather nasty fall that I first re-discovered my enormous love of The Cartridge."

"It was while listening to the Hospital Radio station here that I first had the idea. It really was shit. I mean, absolutely diabolical. The guy really didn't know how to 'link and chat, link and chat' and I thought to myself, 'I could ruddy well do that!' "

"I said to myself, 'we've got one of the nations very best broadcasters lying here unused while that ... Useless shit, pollutes the airwaves with his ... Shit."

"I mean, most of them are on heavy medication anyway, so you could pump any old rubbish in through the cans and they wouldn't even notice. But it did get me thinking back to my own early start in hospital radio all those years ago."

"And here's the point I was coming to - we had to play the music from cartridges back then - 8-track cartridges. None of your fancy digital whatsits and whatnots. Just you, the contents of your head, a well-thumbed copy of Giles Brandreth's pocket puns and your music cartridges  ..."

"They really are a marvellous little invention. Whether used to store a rockin' good Wings or Rod Stewart album, or as the robust outer-housing for your trusty dot matrix printer ink - they really are quite quite wonderful little things."

"So join me as I enter the fascinating little world of the cartridge! In 'Partridge On ... Cartridge' "

"Sunday nights, 9pm. BBC One. Prime time. Full details to be confirmed. I mean, it'll definitely be on the Beeb somewhere .."

Only available through mail-order. See ad below for details.
Please Note - This series is only currently available on 8-track cartridge.

Unique! New! Promotional Opportunity for Lucky Satire Readers

 

Partridge On ... Cartilige

Having fallen 3000 feet from Scarfell Pick in his last pilot, award-winning Broadcaster Alan Partridge OBE (Honour removed) was rushed to the local hospital for emergency surgery ...

Despite being in enormous pain and doped up to the eyeballs on morphine, Alan's natural-born film-making instincts kicked in and luckily for his army of loyal fans he filmed the whole thing on his mobile phone - hoping someone might pick it up for Prime-time TV.

And until that happens, you can still join Alan for this unique 12-part documentary as he talks about one of his latest passions in this stunning new series.

Read on for a sneak preview, as Alan bravely begins filming as the ambulance men stretcher him into the Accident & Emergency Unit of Norwich General Hospital ...

ALAN: I'm Alan Partridge. And you may not know this, but I have always been fascinated by Cartilage - the, ooh how could I put it, the flexible connective tissue found in many areas in the bodies of humans and other animals, including the joints between bones, the rib cage, the ear, the nose, the bronchial tubes and the intervertebral discs."

AMBULANCE MAN: Try not to speak please, Mr Partridge. Just keep breathing into the oxygen mask. That's right.

ALAN: So come with me now on a journey into the world of the fascinating world - of the Cartilage!"

SECURITY GUARD: Sorry Mate, you can't film in here.

ALAN: Oh for fuck's sa - ...Ow! Cartilige!



Be one of the first lucky readers to own this unique and fascinating series on high-quality stereo video cassette*.

Currently only available by mail-order.

(See The North Norfolk Free Advertiser, back-page classified ads for glorious full colour details.)

* DVD copies also available for a hefty additional charge.

TV Preview - Coming Soon for Winter 2013

Alan Partridge On Alan's Part-ridge

Alan Partridge presents his novel new chat show from a ledge 3000 feet up Scarfell Pike.

Publicising the show for local radio Alan quickly moved to scotch rumours that this was merely the last act of a very desperate man. 

Speaking from high atop his ridge (Alan's Part-ridge - TM) he told reporters, "I think you'll find, mate, that it's not technically a suicide attempt if it has a highly viable new tv format attached. And this one certainly has that. In bloody ... spades. It's a blinking blinder."

"I mean, Okay. At worst this could be classed as a cry for help. Don't write that bit down!!"

"But no, it's not that. It's quite simply a bold and innovative new experiment in TV chat. From Alan Partridge."

Coming Soon to Channel 162. 3AM Tuesdays and Thursdays. Subscription deal only.

Patrick Moore Latest Victim of Hoax Phone Calls

(Above - Sir Patrick Moore yesterday)

The Astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was yesterday found dead at his home, suspected to be the latest victim of the Australian phone hoax craze that is sweeping the world.

Moore, who was found by his Guatemalan assistant Gunther gruben-Furer Von Bismark early yesterday morning, is thought to have suffered a delayed reaction from the call, which he received in 1973.

'Ve believe ze Fuhrer, I mean, ze Master, I mean Mr Moore, received ze call in ze late afternoon uf ze 17th of August nineteen hoondred OONT seventy tree. It was a wrong number, but I huff reason to believe that ze accent was definitely of an Antipodean bent. Ya Voll."

It is thought that it took almost 40 years for the shock of the call to fully work it's way through Sir Patrick's system.

Mr Moore's GP, Herr Reich Chancellor Heinrich Schlupperhauffer 'Call me Dave' Grupen Machtergreifung, told us,

" Ya, eet ees thought that eet has taken at least 40 of your puny human years for ze shock to hif vorked eets way through Mr Moore's system. Ya Voll. Heil Moore!"

Sir Patrick leaves behind a telescope, xylophone, a complete signed mint-condition 'Hogan's Heroes' boxed set collection and 800 copies of 'Hefty Helga' Naturist magazine (1960-1983)

It's a Knockout Death Penalty Re-instated

The government has today has given in to mounting pressure to impose stricter penalties on the increasing number of 1970's Radio and TV personalities being implicated in sex scandals.

Home Secretary Teresa May speaking to The Satire this morning said the government had now moved swiftly to bring in strong additional deterent measures. And from midnight tonight the 'It's a Knockout ' Death Penalty will be imposed on any and all 1970's Radio and TV personalities found guilty of appearing in the tabloids or on Twitter accused of any sort of sex act.

Mrs May told The Satire,"We're not waiting anymore until they've been found 'Guilty' by a 'Court of Law' using 'Fair and Judicial Practice in Accordance with Centuries of Legal Precedent and Magna Carta' or any of that poncy euro-bollocks!"

"As soon as they're accused, it's straight to the prison cells and summary execution the very next morning. It's the only way to deal with these sort of vile beasts in a United Kingdom known throughout the World to be the Very Beating Heart of Democracy."

"And this is the only civilised way to protect that democracy and the subjugates, I mean subjects ... sorry 'people' who serve her, I mean live here, I mean, you know, what are they called ... the punters. Yes, we've really thought this one through and it's the best and fairest policy for all."

Further details of the new law were announced this morning. The perpetrator will be be released from the prison onto a piece of waste ground in Belgium dressed in a giant penguin costume and carrying two pails of water. They will then have to navigate a series of hilarious obstacles such as a giant inflatable water-slide filled with soapy bubbles, and inflatable tunnels & bouncy castles. Once they reach the end of the course any remaining water left in their pails will be measured by Eddie Waring and donated to charity.

They will then be shot through the back of the head by The Prime Minster, David Cameron -  who, to soften the blow (as it were) will be dressed in a Mr Blobby costume.

"We're still deciding on the choice of music to play during the execution," said the Home Secretary. "But it'll have to be something light and fun. After all, when you're shooting someone through the back of the head on a piece of Belgian waste-ground, the whole thing can very easily turn into a bit of a downer ...eh, so I'm told ..."

The Satire believes the choice of music will either be 'Bang Bang' by BA Robertson or, to appease the Belgians, 'Ca Plane Pour Moi' by Plastic Bertrand.

"After all we are, effectively, murdering un-tried British citizens in their cuntry (Please note, Home Secretary's own spelling - ed)  And, technically, without their permission. And as you know Charles, in the modern Tory Party we are all about the compromise."

When asked whether the event will be televised in front of a live audience, the Home Secretary told us, "Don't be preposterous. This is a a matter of serious legal procedure and not something to be taken lightly. We may invite along some DJ's and some lucky local kids - and of course Sky have shown some interest. But it'll all be done in very good taste."

Fat C**t Moyles In Latest DJ Arrest Scandal

Chris Moyles boring himself shitless on Radio 1

Scandal erupted yet again at the BBC yesterday as it emerged their former breakfast show star and bad boy Chris Moyles was the latest ex Radio 1 DJ arrested on abuse charges.

It is alleged that Mr. Moyles (38) regularly abused millions of people on a daily basis. Police sources claim that the toll may be as high as a staggering 8 million listeners between 1998 and 2012, before finally someone realised he was utter shite.

One alleged victim of Moyles' vile abuse was a young lady who was only 12 at the time of his predatory and sickening broadcasts. The woman who would only give her name as Miss X, told The Satire!
"I was alone in my bedroom early one morning. I had been feeling lonely and a bit depressed. I awoke to find  that foul man forcing his attention upon me out of my radio alarm clock. I pleaded for him to stop, but the beast kept on and on and on until I managed to stretch over and pull the plug out. God only knows what would have happened had my arms not been long enough to resist his advances."

Another victim of portly presenter, Satire contributor Mr. C. Mingles(50), claimed
 "I see his fat sweaty five o'clock be shadowed face bearing down on me at night. Spouting cockney, cheeky chappy, barra boy bollocks as his sycophantic co-presenters egg him on. The crappy music. It's monstrous."
A spokesman for the BBC hit back today. "This really has nothing to do with us. All we had to work on was rumour and innuendo. Christ alive! Do you honestly think any of us actually listened to his show?"

Chris Moyles was available for comment all day yesterday, as he had ran out of  new Carphone Warehouses to open up. But frankly we've heard quite enough of him thank you very fucking much.

Sir Jimmy Saville Announced as New Doctor Who

In another stunning development in the Jimmy Saville scandal, the BBC have just announced Saville as the new Doctor Who.

Head of Children's Drama Davie Donaldson yesterday defended the decision, saying Saville was a much-loved British institution and a perfect fit for the role.

"It's been thought for a while that we need to reach a wider demographic with Doctor Who and who better to reach that demographic than that much-loved family entertainer, Sir Jimmy.

" I have to say I find these allegations against Our dear Jim that he is some sort of kiddie-diddler - and even worse the unkind smear that he died over a year ago - outrageous. He's just taken his time to respond to our emails, I'm sure that's all it is.

"Anyway, we recorded the new series last year so are planning to air episode one tonight on BBC1 after Strictly Come Dancing. It's a sure-fire ratings winner!"

The Satire believes that in this first episode, "Lord Doctor Sir Jimmy of Who" rescues a gang of teenage space gals from an evil alien schoolteacher using his flying Tardis-Caravan to whisk the girls off to the safety of his cottage in the Highlands where they can work for Sir Jimmy in little French Maids outfits doing bits & bobs around the house and getting Jim'll Fix it badges as rewards.

Four particular 14-year-old girls, hand-picked by Sir Jim, will also be working as his Assistants in the series, sitting on his knee whilst he puffs on his cigar explaining the plot and spending the rest of their time dancing awkwardly in the background, 1970's Top of the Pops style.

Mr Donaldson denied allegations this would further fuel the current crisis.

"These allegations against Lord Jimmy (Peace be Upon His Name) are ridiculous. Anyway, he already has his own distinctive Dr Who-style costume and catchphrases and so on. And we've even managed to get that big red throne-chair thing he used to sit in during 'Jim'll Fix It.' So now he can fly through space in style.

"He's got it all. The cigar, the shell-suit, the jewellery, the gold blond mop, the endless catchphrases, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh, What's this that's going on here then, Goodness me' etc. We've even managed to include his wrestling experience as one of his Super Powers. Frankly, the first series practically wrote itself.

"And don't even ask me about the merchandising possibilities for the Christmas market. We're sitting on a goldmine here, and as usual it's all thanks to Sir Jimmy!!

"We're already working with a leading pants manufacturer to produce teenage girls pants with Sir Jimmy's cheeky smiling face on the front. You mark my confident & utterly unassailable words - they'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes and (off the record, just between you and me) I'm in for 20%. God bless his Lord Jimmyship!

"Anyway, everyone knows Matt Smith is an irritating little twat and we'll all be glad to see the back of him. Under his stewardship, the role of Dr Who has deteriorated into nothing more than a boyband style heart-throb only watched by 12 and 13-year-old girls. This won't be an issue with Sir Jim, that's for sure. Everyone knows he's always been a thoroughly clean-cut all-round family entertainer. And, I don't know if you're aware of this, he does do a helluva lot of work for charity. I can't see what could possibly go wrong here."

Accusations that this is another insensitive move in the current climate were also waived away by the Director General yesterday.

"'Please, please, give us some credit. Those accusations are against a completely different Sir Jimmy Saville from your dearly beloved Auntie Beeb, it's all under control. Who do you think you're dealing with here - some sort of arrogant deluded out-of-touch fucking idiots? You are soo naive dude! Like, get with the programme, loll."

George Galloway SPEAKS! Satire EXCLUSIVE!

Speaking to The Satire yesterday, noble humble leader and voice of the common people, George Galloway (peace be upon his name) talked movingly about the next mountain he is set to conquer.

" It has been a great victory here in Bradford. A noble victory, a humble victory, a victory for the common man against the hordes of Babylon who have invaded the citadel of our noble yet indefatiguable proletarian heartland.

" But it does not stop here my friends, comrades, admirers and potential funding sources for future foreign jaunts ...

"For too too, and indeed, too, long, the Galloway household has been under an oppressive regime, a totalitarian dictatorship, a fiendishly manipulative yet indefatiguably powerful force. I speak of course of my wife - Mrs George Galloway.

"My cigar-smoking, loud shouting and bombastic tirades of long, unnecessary, indefatiguable and often grammatically incorrect sentences have already been banished from the sitting room during both Eastenders and, indeed, Coronation Street.

"And my friends, I am sad to report that I now cannot even pronounce upon my soapbox in the kitchen whilst waiting for the kettle to boil or for one of my beloved Poptarts to heat up.

" But no longer my friends, no longer. For with the sweep of momentum that this historic, noble, humble and indefatiguable victory has brought asunder, the popular might of the people shall be brought down upon this tyranny, And be in no doubt - it shall end!

"First we shall take back the sitting room. Next, the spare room and the kitchen. Then the top floor study, ground floor study, library, guest room and main first floor conservatory.

"Then it is merely a small step to retake the East Wing - not literally of course, its actually a 10-15 minute walk and three flights of stairs. But there is an antique fainting couch one can rest on to view the lake near the main stables half-way up.

"But once this part is captured and re-occupied by the people ( in the form, of course, of my good, moustachioed and noble self) then we shall have another historic victory under our belts my friends - and the proletariat will ... once more ... have spoken ...

"Viva La Revolutionae! And God Bless Bristol - sorry, Bradford."

"I Can't get a Shag." Moans Celebrity Pair of Tits

            An apparently unloved pair of tits. Everybody! Aaaaaaaaaawwwww.

A famous walking, talking, occasionally acting pair of tits had a right greet about not getting any to anyone credulous enough to listen to her shite last week.

"God knows what I have to do." Gret the 49 year old fit looking pair of tits on legs to our bored reporter. "I think men must be intimidated by my celebrity status and sheer Hellenic beauty.They just never ever ask me out. My Jackie Danny has all but healed up."

As the news broke out 300,000,000 horny blokes worldwide choked on their beer then pissed themselves a laughing in complete disbelief and derision.

"Obviously when you earn 40 Squillion Dollars a year and live in Beverly Hills it's a bit difficult to get chatted up by a bloke who earns 50 Squillion, when you are past your best and are competing with a legion of 18-30 year old aspiring actresses who will suck George Clooney's cock for nowt. I think that's what she means." Said pub philosopher and bitter cynic Tom Laird (44)who asked not to be named as he's in enough trouble with the sisterhood. "Has she tried putting on a mini skirt and going to a bar full of squaddies?" He continued naively.

Chartered Accountant Mike Cohen from New York added. "I agree with Tom. I had the misfortune to share an elevator with Ms Pairoftits in a plush hotel in Paris. I'd heard all this guff before about how these beautiful  women never get approached so 'I thought what the hey, I'll give it a shot. ' I presented my business card and said' Hi there, I hope you don't mind my being forward but would you join me for a drink lat......' That's as far as I got before she screamed 'NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ' at the top of her voice, drove her handbag into my face with both hands in rhythm to the 'No's' then maced me in the eyes and mouth. So you could say the results were disappointing. Thank the Lord I didn't tell her about wanting to cum all over her ass."

Speaking from San Quentin prison, former celebrity stalker Dwayne Frottage fumed. "This adds insult to injury. I left her over 4000 texts, made 3000 phone calls, pestered her at work and at home and jerked off into her undies. What do I get? Banged up in a cell with a black gangster who calls me Mary. There's no justice. If I had have been rich, famous and handsome instead of a 16 stone geek with greasy hair and a hygiene problem it would have been wedding bells and not a lawsuit." He was then dragged backwards by the heels into his cell by a 230 pound negro wearing lipstick.

Courtney Cox is full of shit.

Gordon Lightfoot Finds Someone Creeping Round His Back Stairs

                                  ( Gordon Lightfoot: "Surprisingly unfazed")

Canadian troubadour Gordon Lightfoot found someone creeping round his back stairs yesterday evening yet remains disappointingly and surprisingly unfazed by the incident.


At 18:00 Hrs Eastern Standard Time (around dusk) yesterday evening, Corporal Marty 'Moose' MacGonagal,of 'A' Division Ontario RCMP took the call.
"We received the call telling us that Mr. Lightfoot had reported a disturbance and a possible intruder on the stairs at the rear of his Condo. My partner Constable Larson and I just stared in horror at each other. My God, I thought. Gordon's been banging on for years aboot how someone should 'take care!' if he ever foond them creeping aroond his back stairs. Frankly we expected a bloodbath. Or at the very least we'd find someone beaten to death with an acoustic guitar eh. We flew along that 401 to Mississauga at top speed eh.

But when we arrived at the condo we just foond Mrs. Lightfoot looking a bit like a queen in a sailor's dream pointing oot a man wandering away doon the street. She was quite agitated and I couldn't help feeling she wasn't saying what she really meant. However when we stopped the man, sure enough he had indeed been at Gordon's residence, but had a reasonable enough explanation. When I told the guy who's stairs he'd been on he nearly shit himself. It was a close call. Mr. Lightfoot just sat on his balcony the whole time looking surprisingly unfazed and singing 'If you could read my mind'. Which I suppose could be a bit sinister but all in all it was somewhat of an anti climax."

Gordon Lightfoot is 73 and pisses all over Alanis Morissette's whiny shite.

Demis Roussos to Rescue Greek Economy

( Demis and his smouldering swarthy looks that won him millions of gay admirers)






(Below left: An Artist's impression of Vangelis)

Greece has been thrown into a state of tumultuous euphoria by the news that famous hirsute Hellenic he-man Demis Roussos, is to release a new album to turn Greece's economic misfortunes around.

The hard hitting, and uncompromising plan was announced today by EU appointed technocrat Georgiou Georgionapoulapoplaloulapolis earlier this morning.

"I understand that this may seem like to little to late to those of you who do not understand the massive sex appeal, and over production of the Roussos album. To many he's the hairy bloke with a high voice in a dress who sang "Forever and Ever". But to those of us who know love and fancy him he's the Euterpean genius who sang " Rikki-tikki-tikki tikki Tikki rikki rikki my love" in unashamed falsetto. They don't make em like that anymore." He sniffed, wiping away tears of wistful regret.

News of the "Demis God's" comeback was received with mixed emotions in some quarters.

"Mixed emotions my hairy arse!!!" Said Music critic for Greece's popular 'Hirsute Hellenic Sounds" music magazine Nikos Nakhapoupolopolipolis. "Demis has had his day. He's not even that hairy anymore. Last time I saw him he was balding and my 13 year old daughter has better facial hair. You might as well put some young smooth shaver like Justin Bieber out there. At least we'd all want to bum him. No! What you want is Vangelis. Yes! He was the real talent in Aphrodite's Child. So long as he doesn't have Jon Anderson squeaking along like a demented shrew in the back ground. Can you imagine a re-release of Chariots of Fire on the Bouzouki? And, what a beard! What-a- beard!! Sennnnnsational!!!" He then placed a napkin over his crotch.

Some rioters in the streets of Athens were inclined to agree. "It took us years just to get over the shame of Glenn Medeiros just because he had a greek sounding name. Now this shit!" Chanted Costas Costapopoplatonapolis brandishing his beard at our reporter.

Demis Roussos, real name Demis Delirious Delieiroussososososoplolitopolosis was once a guest on The Basil Brush Show and famously blagged his way off of the hijacked TWA Flight 847 by singing Velvet Mornings. He was unavailable for comment as he was busy overproducing his album with a 90 piece orchestra. 

Man Mortified at "Knocking One Out" to Mary Portas

    

                                           Mary: Queen of Cock

An Edinburgh man was black affronted yesterday to discover himself having a good old tug to Mary 'Queen of Shops 'Portas.

"I'm somewhat confused and slightly disgusted over the whole incident". Claimed the ruggedly handsome and libidinous Editor of the world famous The Satire! from his festering pit earlier this evening. "I mean I always considered her a bit of a munter and borderline boiler. Imagine my surprise when she popped up inexplicably in my mid day wank fantasy. 

I woke up about 11:50 am after a hard night on the lash. I'd been having a horny dream involving The Pussycat Dolls and a bottle of baby oil. I found myself starting out with my usual gentle lazy strum, building up to a decent rhythm with Demi Moore doing striptease for me. Then out the blue, just as I'm reaching the vinegar strokes to Britney Spears, Mary fuckin Portas pops into mind. Bending over the bonnet of her Audi A4 cabriolet with her mini skirt hitched up, giving me that come hither look they always give you just before you get arrested, and berating me for not presenting my member in a clean, professional and business like manner. Well I just couldn't stop myself. Before you could say 'unique selling point' I was pummeling her up the wrong un as she protested 'call that a good hard shag? I've had better on a wet Wednesday round the back of Top Shop.'

Well I must say, the worst part is that I've never had such a volcanic orgasm. The penguin walk to the toilet has never been so tricky. I have had a few dodgy ones in the past, you know the odd cartoon character (Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit etc.), I even had a quick one to Tracy Emin and just recently Kirsty Allsop. But this really is a new low.

I just hope that the whole episode doesn't end up posted on some online satirical blog. I'd be ruined.

Tom Laird is 43 and unsurprisingly single.