FUCK CECIL!!! Says Wally the Wildebeest

Wally wary of "Cunting Lions."

The remains of Wally's mate Willy after Cecil fancied a snack.

 

A wildebeest called Wally has contacted The Satire's African correspondent Chaka Mingelele to tell him he's "not giving a flying monkey's" about Cecil the Lion.

"I don't give a flying monkey's about that cunting lion or any other one for that matter. Fuck Cecil, and all his mates".

Fumed the 8 year old bovid from his bush hideout in Wankie(yes we know it's been changed to Hwange, but our correspondent assures us "it's still wankie.") game reserve in Zimbabwe. He continued...

"These crusty trustafarian cunts should walk a mile in my fucking hooves every day and see how much they think lions are cute and cuddly, and deserve not to be blasted through the brain with an elephant gun. Only the other day my mate Willy (see picture above) was standing chewing the cud and minding his own business, when that hirsute prick Cecil jumped on him and tore him to ribbons. I'm glad it took 40 hrs for the arsehole to die. I'm not speciesist or anything, but I think lions are cunts. That bloke wots a dentist from America should get a fucking medal in my book. Never mind a trophy."

Meanwhile all over the non lion infested world the twitter mob continues to rage.

"I think that bloke wots a dentist from America should be ran over with a combine harvester, fed through a shredder then fed to his wife and KIDS!?"

Said 23 year old annoying, middle class ,peace, love and wildlife activist Ginny Featheringnest- Hadley of Buckingham shire. Inflecting up at the end of every fucking hate filled sentence like she was asking a question, she chuntered on...

"I don't really know anything about this MAN!? Except that he's cruel, evil, and deserves to DIE!? But there's no excuse to shoot anything YEAH!? Except that bloke wots a dentist coz he's a CUNT!?"

Her overbearing and wealthy mother chimed in..

"We hunt foxes and pheasants in our part of the world like decent civilised people. You don't catch us hunting defenceless lions. It's a scandal and a disgrace."

Labour party MP Penny Useless (41) added her thruppenies worth.

"I know fuck all about leopards or hunting or even Africa, but this so called "dentist" should be struck off. Or whatever it is they do to dentists."

The said dentist was unavailable for comment as he and his entire family have retreated to a nuclear bunker in Texas until some cunt kills a tiger and takes the heat off him.

New MP Reveals Ambition to be a Signpost

Miss Black practising being a No Entry sign

Britain's youngest MP since Pitt the foetus has both shocked and delighted parliament by announcing a long held ambition to be a "Signpost". 

Mhairi Black, who represents Paisley and Renfrewshire South, broke the news of her shock career change of plans in her maiden speech in the house yesterday to rapturous and unnecessary applause.

Miss Black, who trounced previous Labour incumbent and pigeon impersonator Douglas Alexander at the last General Election, has not yet decided what kind of signpost she wants to be. Although an SNP insider has revealed that it will most probably be a Keep Left sign.

Mhairi is not the only SNP politician with a desire to be an inanimate object. Alex Salmond revealed recently that he longed to be a urinal in the European parliament and Nicola Sturgeon dreams of being a doormat in the same building.

The people of Paisley are still reeling from Mhairi's staggering Election result.

"Hof of us didnae even realise there wis an election oan." Said 90 year old Agnes MacTights of Ferguslie Park. "The other hof thought she wis Mary Black the folk singer,"

Mhairi Black is finishing her homework.

The Satire Backs "Awareness" Awareness the New "Awareness" Campaign

A small selection of the mind boggling array of awareness ribbons

Your favourite on line news source, The super soar away Satire, today launches it's very own self righteous awareness campaign.

Forever socially conscious, The Satire has waded in to the justice war with a blistering attack on the complete lack of awareness in today's selfish me me me society. Clearly the legacy of the Evil Mrs. Thatcher who has been pan breed for almost two years, out of office for twenty five and completely irrelevant for fifteen.

"The total absence of any sense of awareness in our modern Britain is the biggest cause of all our misery."
Claimed Satire Editor in Chief, shameless bandwagon jumper and self publicist Tom Laird.

"Consider the tragic case of regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen MacGlinchy(21)of Parkhead, who recently stuck her hand in a toaster and switched it on, apparently un "aware" that it would result in third degree burns to her fingers. The subsequent lawsuit against Scotia Appliances resulted in a massive payout, that caused the fledgling firm to dissolve into bankruptcy with the loss of 150 jobs.

Or that of Mrs. Ina MacHag(75) of Stockbridge who regularly blethers shite to the exasperated teller in the local Post Office blissfully un "aware" that a massive queue is forming out the door and up the main street.
Then there's the pitiful example of Trinny FForbes-Fuckwit(30) of Comely Bank who leaves her Golden Retriever, Poppy, tied to a bin outside Waitrose to bark incessantly while she dithers around inside over the pilau rice or couscous dilemma.

Ultimately there was the tragic case of Mr William Beveridge (Deceased) who recommended a welfare system, naively un "aware" that it would result in an entire sub class of bone idle arseholes  with dubious dress sense but a massive sense of entitlement.This has to stop."

The new awareness campaign will consist of wearing no ribbon or rubber bangle whatsoever. Forcing the smug, self righteous and fashion conscious to question ones moral standing. Thus enabling one to retort in an equally smug, self righteous and condescending manner about the new campaign. As an added bonus, due to running out of ribbon and bangle colours and combos, the "Awareness" awareness campaign will share it's platform with Flatulence Concern, Patently Obvious and Expected Adult Death Syndrome, Hemorrhoids Aid and Sexually Frustrated Teenage Laddie Relief.

The aforementioned Ms. MacGlinchy opined...

"Am a bit disappointed wi the new campaign. I like ribbons an bangles. Av goat hunners so a huv. A don't really know what they are a' fur but they go wi ma shoes an handbags."

Ms. MacGlinchy is pregnant again.