"Brexit a Total Disaster" Says Posh Bint

Cornelia with her horse 'Soubry' that she "imported very cheaply from the continent"

Interview by our Chinless Wonder Correspondent: Sir Charlton Mingle-Mingleton III (MC, DSO, and BAR)

Brexit. What is it? Why is it important? Who uses it? Should we be afraid of it?

A resounding "yes!" to all three questions according to serial wife and professional clotheshorse, Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe. She pontificates condescendingly to our very own Charlton Mingle- Mingleton of that Ilk.

Satire: What's your view of what's happened so far?

Cornelia: Well it's awful, isn't it, simply awful with that frightful woman Theresa whatever her name is, just arsing everything up completely. I mean who made her in charge, with her ghastly wardrobe and gauche shoes. Well really.

Satire: Yes. Many people feel betrayed by the fact that this being one of the most decisive votes in UK history, the government is failing to carry out the clear will of the majority and...

Cornelia: Look here. All this rot about democracy is all very well but democracy should be about getting things right, and here the people quite obviously got it wrong. Who put them in charge? With their ghastly wardrobes and their gauche white vans? The vehicles I mean, not those awful shoes. And their nasty parochial bigoted views. Hugo and I live here in the Cotswolds half the year and it's very difficult to get help as it is. I mean what are we to do if we get out of Europe? 

We have a wonderful maid named .......um...well her name is perfectly unpronounceable, it's some sort of foreign name. She comes from Russia or Poland or something or other... Hugooo?! (Shouts to her husband in the next room) Where's that girl from? You know, the one who cleans up and cooks? Oh well it matters not, the point is she's very very cheap and sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs. Can I get someone local to do that? Can I buggery, so there you have it.

Satire: What's your view of what should be the next step? How should Theresa May's government proceed? Should we bite the bullet and go for no deal, or do you think another referendum is the best way forward?

Cornelia: Another vote would certainly stave things off for a while. Should that go wrong we can always do it again. Until these so called people get it right. For the love of god, it's perfectly simple. I have a Spanish gardener, I think his name is Jose, at least that's what I call him because he's always watering the plants. But the point is he's very very cheap and who else will I get to clean up my dog's shit from the patio or muck out the stables for next to nothing? I mean reaallly.

Satire: What do you say to the accusation that people like yourself are only really concerned about your own narrow self interest and don't really care about the wider implications of remaining in the EU especially for ordinary working people?

Cornelia: Working people?Well I beg your pardon but how do you think I pay for all this?( waves her hand around at the various paintings and objects d'art) My last two husbands both went bankrupt and left me with next to nothing. I'm down to only two horses in the stables, Hugo works bloody hard as an Investment Banker which, God love him, hardly pays the bills. So I have to keep up my modelling career, which of course doesn't pay what it used to thanks to competition from these Eastern European girls. I know what a hard days work is, thank you very much. I've done a couple and it's no joke.

Satire: So how do you think a no deal Brexit will affect you?

Cornelia: Well my daughter Lucy is at school in Switzerland, so christ knows what we will have to do there. Hugo and I have a second home down in the Dordogne.....or is it Alsace? (Hugo shouts through "It's both") How are we supposed to get there? Not to mention all our vineyard workers come from Romania or some godforsaken place. What do we do about that, employ French people? Fuck that! I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm jolly angry about this. This is the harsh reality that people like me are faced with when you let democracy loose on the unwashed.


Cornelia Cuntinghame-Smythe(33) is a fund raiser for People's Vote

ADVERTISING FEATURE

                                  Fourth Reich Promotions
                                               Present...

                David Irving
                    + Support

                            Screwdriver

                                       Nordic Thunder

                                                    Jim Davidson

                                                   Nick Griffin  cancelled



See David perform a selection of his greatest hits live including old favourites such as...

            "Holocaust? What Holocaust?"

                   "6 Million Mein Arsch"

         " Hitler, Goering, and Himmler were all at   a stag do in Ibiza at the time"                                             

                Don't miss the brand new numbers..

          "Ok, there might have been a few accidents at Auschwitz."

                              "Geez a Job"

...........and the very touching.. 

              "any chance of a tenner gov?"

                   
         Glasgow  19th December








                                           
                                     

                      

The Satire Backs "Awareness" Awareness the New "Awareness" Campaign

A small selection of the mind boggling array of awareness ribbons

Your favourite on line news source, The super soar away Satire, today launches it's very own self righteous awareness campaign.

Forever socially conscious, The Satire has waded in to the justice war with a blistering attack on the complete lack of awareness in today's selfish me me me society. Clearly the legacy of the Evil Mrs. Thatcher who has been pan breed for almost two years, out of office for twenty five and completely irrelevant for fifteen.

"The total absence of any sense of awareness in our modern Britain is the biggest cause of all our misery."
Claimed Satire Editor in Chief, shameless bandwagon jumper and self publicist Tom Laird.

"Consider the tragic case of regular Satire rent-a-quote Maureen MacGlinchy(21)of Parkhead, who recently stuck her hand in a toaster and switched it on, apparently un "aware" that it would result in third degree burns to her fingers. The subsequent lawsuit against Scotia Appliances resulted in a massive payout, that caused the fledgling firm to dissolve into bankruptcy with the loss of 150 jobs.

Or that of Mrs. Ina MacHag(75) of Stockbridge who regularly blethers shite to the exasperated teller in the local Post Office blissfully un "aware" that a massive queue is forming out the door and up the main street.
Then there's the pitiful example of Trinny FForbes-Fuckwit(30) of Comely Bank who leaves her Golden Retriever, Poppy, tied to a bin outside Waitrose to bark incessantly while she dithers around inside over the pilau rice or couscous dilemma.

Ultimately there was the tragic case of Mr William Beveridge (Deceased) who recommended a welfare system, naively un "aware" that it would result in an entire sub class of bone idle arseholes  with dubious dress sense but a massive sense of entitlement.This has to stop."

The new awareness campaign will consist of wearing no ribbon or rubber bangle whatsoever. Forcing the smug, self righteous and fashion conscious to question ones moral standing. Thus enabling one to retort in an equally smug, self righteous and condescending manner about the new campaign. As an added bonus, due to running out of ribbon and bangle colours and combos, the "Awareness" awareness campaign will share it's platform with Flatulence Concern, Patently Obvious and Expected Adult Death Syndrome, Hemorrhoids Aid and Sexually Frustrated Teenage Laddie Relief.

The aforementioned Ms. MacGlinchy opined...

"Am a bit disappointed wi the new campaign. I like ribbons an bangles. Av goat hunners so a huv. A don't really know what they are a' fur but they go wi ma shoes an handbags."

Ms. MacGlinchy is pregnant again.

Scottish Feminists Appoint Parrot as Spokesperson

Ms MacCaw posing for the press yesterday

Scottish Feminist group SWAMT (Scottish Women Against Man Things)announced the controversial appointment of their new spokesperson yesterday. An Amazon Blue parrot.

Ms. Davina MacCaw (49) takes over from previous spokesperson Trisha MacFrigid(fuck off or al stab ye), after she got a good bunneting from a Masai warrior on a recent charity climb of Kilimanjaro in aid of tit cancer, and married him. Mrs. Kisioki, as she is now known, was unavailable for comment, as she is not allowed to speak for her first year as junior wife and was busy getting circumcised.

Ms. MacCaw made her first statement to assembled journalists at noon today and immediately confounded her detractors. Talking from a perch outside Hollyrood..

"Squaaawk screeeetch squaaawwwk." Began Ms. MacCaw to gasps of amazement. She continued eloquently.. "Screeetch..patriarchy....squaaawk rape culture.... screech.. domestic violence.. screech screech male privilege. (Flap flap) Squaaaaawwwwwk wage gap."

Rapturous applause erupted as the parrot stopped squawking and nibbled a cuttlefish. Many women present burst into tears.

"That was the most articulate and emotionally charged presentation of feminist theory I have ever heard. Sobbed Xena MacHarridan(still NOYFB) leader of the women's group. We have certainly made an intelligent choice in Davina."

Women's issues chunterer onner Kaye Adams(52, yes fucksakes she looks older) chimed in..

" I couldn't have made those points better myself. Mair screeching and squawking are what's needed in any discourse about gender issues. Amazon Blue. How apt."

SWAMT did not have it all it's own way. Our very own Tom Laird asked the parrot to justify some of it's comments.

"Could Ms. MacCaw explain why she is still pedalling the wage gap myth that has been so thoroughly and repeatedly debunked, and don't men experience domestic violence?" He asked smugly.

The smug look disappeared however when the parrot merely repeated the same points over and over again. Only louder and with more screeching and squawking. 

The gathered feminists orgasm ed simultaneously as our man could only look on exasperated. 

Satirical Genius "F#*ked for Ideas"

Just look at him....... Fucking devoid

Satire Editor in Chief and self proclaimed satirical wunderkind Tom Laird, confessed privately to "Not having the foggiest scooby" about what his next article was going to be about.

The 47 year old dead beat told himself in the mirror, after waking up from a four day drinking binge that would have shamed Oliver Reid, "Laird you are fucking dead loss and a waste of rations."

He proceeded to gibber on..

"Look ya beardy fuckwit. It's nearly 2015 and your contribution to the world of on line humour is a grand total of four, yeah that's right, you heard, FOUR poxy articles. Hardly P.J O'Rourke or Richard Ingrams are you ya dick?"

Punching himself in the face several times he then slavered..

"Yeah I know all about your 'ideas'. We've all got ideas. How about getting them off of bits of bus ticket, post it notes, beer mats and sweety papers and actually onto your blog ya knob? LOOK!! look at this. 'David Cameron to Introduce Duck Insurance' I mean WTF!? Or this here.. 'Ian Paisley to Give Up Bellowing For Lent' .By fuck has that bus left. The man's deid two years for fucksakes. Sort yourself out."

Emerging haggard, bruised and gaunt from the 46 minute berating Mr. Laird announced..

"I can exclusively reveal that my genius will return shortly. There's a new hilarious article formulating as I speak. Fuck knows what it's going to be about. Probably feminism again. That's easy."

All Mr. Lairds fan (27) was unimpressed

Sweden To Be Renamed "Softkogland"

Conan joins in The Satire campaign

The flaccid member

Thanks to a long running campaign by your super soar away on line news source The Satire, the country once known to us all as Sweden will from henceforth be renamed  Softkogland.

There were jubilant scenes in Stockholm yesterday when the news was announced. 

"We are so very happy with this knew name that better reflects our country and our ethos." Said 41 year old Tilde Bolrapp Chairperson of a local women's group Splittkipper.

Sweden, that joined the EU in 1995, is known as "The Flaccid Member" due to to the country's geographical resemblance to a limp penis and the extremely high number of emasculated men found within it's population.

Moves are under way to outlaw penises completely in Sweden but until that time the only penises allowed are soft ones. The castration operation began with the removal of the Swedish army's Nordic Battlegroup's heraldic lion's rampant appendage.

"Female soldiers were extremely offended by this. You just can't be allowed to go around with a penis whenever you feel like it.Even if you are a drawing on a coat of arms." Explained 49 year old Signe Saggertits Minister for the eradication of masculinity.

Sweden has a proud History. In ancient times gangs of Swedish males would travel round  the rest of Europe on exchange visits. The visits would culminate in good natured pillage and murder and the kidnapping of all the good looking women. In exchange the "Vikings" as they were affectionately known would take a shite on the altars of churches then laughingly burn the whole edifice to the ground.

During WW2 Sweden bravely remained neutral, merely allowing the Germans to avail themselves of their road and rail network to invade their neighbour Norway. They further frustrated the Nazis by limiting the amount of iron ore they exported to the Reich to a paltry 10,000,000 tons a year. They also proudly boast an arms industry with ethics that make the Monsanto corporation seem like a charitable organisation, and a flat packed furniture export industry that's the bane of many a DIY challenged husband the world over.

Despite this, Sweden, that forces men to sit down to pee, leads the world in self righteous indignation, finger wagging  and 'right on' sensibilities.

"The present renaming of our country is only a temporary measure until we can come up with a much more accurate and deserving one. Like Vajland." Shrugged 55 year old Minister for women and Cockfinder General, Astrid Kogstander.

Unemployment to Rocket Among Experts If Scotland Leaves UK Claim Experts

Some experts looking gravely concerned earlier

Thousands of experts will find themselves on the unemployment scrapheap, and forced to go door to door voicing their opinions if Alex Salmond breaks up the UK according to some experts yesterday.

"It could really be the worst case scenario you could possibly imagine." Said one expert over the phone earlier today.  Professor David Donaldson of Napier University continued gravely.

 "You may end up with a multitude of experts walking the streets accosting passers by, begging for spare moments of their time, to expound to them their latest thoughts on the economy, climate change, gender issues, and other subjects that most people will find tedious and ill thought through. Or then again they might not. It's a tough one to call. What are you asking me for? I'm in charge of the Creative Writing course."

Another expert, Francis Douglas PhD of SCAPEGOAT (Society for the Concern And Protection of Experts Going On About Things) outlined the potential seriousness of the situation.

"Allow me to outline the potential seriousness of the situation." He said pointing at a pie chart and some graphs. "At the moment experts are being consulted on a daily basis, sometimes up to six times, about what a pile of shite an Independent Scotland will be, or not, depending on who's asking. Our projections show that after Independence this kind of consultation will drop off to almost nothing. Disastrous. Probably. But don't quote me on that." He concluded feeding all his charts through a shredder.

The Satire caught up with some experts, who'd previously confidently claimed Gordon Brown to be an economic genius of a man who would romp to victory at the last general election.

 Prof John Turner of the British Antarctic Survey, currently trapped in sea ice he said shouldn't have been there, aboard the Akademik Shokalskiy, told us via a crackly line.

"Listen, smart cunts. I only said that about Gordon Brown down my local pub, ok. Yes yes everyone thinks it's easy being an expert. All they think we have to do is pull some stats out our arse, mumble some vague academic shite and use a lot of modals like could, might, probably, possibly. Fling in the odd phrase about 'studies suggest', and Robert's yer dads brother. Well it's a lot more difficult than that, I can tell you to my fucking chagrin mate."

OBITUARY : RIP Colonel Tommy Pritchard

Tommy as he would often appear at The Satire offices. In later years naked from the waist down

The Satire today bids farewell to its Sports Editor Colonel Tommy Pritchard, who passed away peacefully in his sleep behind the wheel of his 1984 Citroen Clio on the M8.

Born Colonel Thomas Randolph Ambidexter Pritchard of a Scots Presbyterian father and American Quaker mother in Thika Kenya in 1941, "Tommy" spent his formative years among the colonial prosperity of the happy valley set. The title for Elspeth Huxley's novel The Flame Trees...came from the time that young Tommy set fire to a local plantation, ruining the owner. Luckily he managed to blame it on the houseboy who later died in police custody. No formal charges were ever pressed.

Tommy enlisted in the KAR in 1959 where due to a mix up arising from his name he was able to become the youngest ever commanding officer of the 3rd Battalion. In a disaster in the last years of the Mau Mau owing to his complete lack of experience he managed to surround and attack a column of his own askaris and sustain the onslaught for 31 days. On discovering his mistake he slipped out of camp during the night and joined the surrounded troops on the other side. In the confusion he was able to mount a counter attack against those under his former command and overwhelm them. This was recorded as one of the greatest breakouts ever and he was mentioned in dispatches leading to him being decorated for gallantry.


Tommy joined The Satire from the Army in 1971 after a very brief and unsuccessful stint at a regional boys boarding school, although no formal charges were ever pressed.
He quickly gained a reputation at The Satire as a somewhat boisterous devil-may-care character would often be found wrestling naked on the floor of the photo-editors suite with Sambo his man-servant from his time out in East Africa helping to build a football pitch in a private boys school, although no formal charges were ever pressed.

Tommy was known by all who knew him as very much a man's man. In his black leather chaps, white stetson, sequined waistcoat and enormous handlebar moustache he was a colourful presence around the Satire offices for over 40 years. And his posts on the ups and downs of under-14 schoolboy rugby, hockey, gymnastics and greco-roman wrestling (a sport he campaigned tirelessly to bring back into the curriculum - although no charges were ever pressed) were always a riveting read.

Tommy's later years were of course dogged with controversy. While involved in a protest against the Springbok tour of New Zealand in 1981, Tommy once again realised he was on the wrong side and attacked the anti apartheid protesters with a placard. In recent memory his playful attempts at "wrestling" the speedo's from an embarrassed Tom Daly at the London Olympics were much frowned upon. His colourful and some would say racist and sexist remarks were very much those of a man of his time and a constant affront to those who worked with him. Though again no formal charges were ever pressed.

He leaves behind an ex-wife in Mombasa, a young Romanian friend Nicu in the local Salvation Army hostel and a motorway strewn with wreckage.

New Town Man Shits Himself at the Thought of ACTUALLY Living in the Country

Sstruan as he's chosen to be immortalised with one of his dogs Monty 

A man who gads about Stockbridge in tweed plus fours, dressed like a fucking extra from To The Manor Born, shat himself last week at the very notion of not living in the city.

Sstruan Findlater-Twatpiece (33), a former pupil of George Watson's college and resident of Heriot Row, found himself in the ghastly situation of possibly having to relocate to rural Perthshire as part of a workplace promotion. He and his partner Ffyon are among Barbour TM and Hunter's TM  best UK customers, and are lifetime subscribers to Horse & Hound and Cunty (surely Country. Ed) Life magazines.

Speaking from the tailgate of his pristine Land Rover Defender, decal-led with fake mud splatters, that he uses to mow down cyclists and demolish the wing mirrors of parked cars. He explained..

"I made my weekly visit to the office last Monday at Huckster,Shyster and Cunt were I'm engaged as an HR Under Manager to be told the "good news" by my Boss." 

"Congratulations old chap! You'll be pleased to know we've decided to give you a promotion, running a new office we have at Moor of Rannoch. No need for thanks, you richly deserve it"

"The Bastard! I couldn't work out what I'd done wrong. Ffyon and I took a helicopter trip up there and it really is the arsefuck of nowhere. We have two Labradors a Spaniel, a Rhodesian Ridgeback and a Jack Russell. What in the name of god would they do up here? I mean the nearest Waitrose is in Glasgow for fucksakes and I would't be able to have my magazines delivered. Also about 5 am you hear this godawful bellowing every morning. I asked what it was down the nearest so called pub, they don't even do cocktails, and they told me the noise is what they call 'cows'. Fuck that! Then to cap it all off when Ffyon inquired in the local Church about Pilates and Zumba classes they told her the only thing they do is something called prayer and worship. Peasants! Anyway thankfully it all fell through. By the way that's Sstruan with two s's and ditto for Ffyon."

"Struan tried to put a brave face on it when I gave him the bad news about the deal falling through." His boss told The Satire . " He punched the air and shouted 'YeeeeEEEssss you fucker!!!', but I know deep down he'll have been bitterly disappointed."

            

OBITUARY: RIP Margaret Merriweather

The Bench where Margaret would rail against twilight till forcibly removed by park wardens.

The Satire today bids farewell to our Environmental & Meteorological Correspondent Margaret Merriweather who has died horrifically in her sleep.

Margaret started on the magazine way back  in the 1940's straight from Cheltenham Ladies College and soon became a regular but thoroughly disliked member of the editorial team. Unfortunately she was heavily litigious even back then so we had no choice but to keep her on.

Anyone who knew Margaret will know she had her eccentricities.

In particular, she could not abide the changing of the seasons. The very idea for example of Spring turning into Summer abhored Margaret. And as a young child she had campaigned vigorously, tirelessly, passionately and utterly pointlessly for a world-wide ban on all seasons.

Her two nemeses were Frankie Vali and the 17th century Italian composer Antonio Vivaldi, whose grave she faithfully shat on every year on his birthday. Even into her 90's, where she had to be helped from her bathchair and held over the headstone by her long-suffering grandchildren, she insisted on keeping up the protest.

From the earliest age, Margaret had actively and visibly displayed her contempt for the seasons in every way she could - wearing flimsy swimwear and flipflops in the December blizzards of 1962, donning full eskimo gear during the scorching 1976 heatwave and taking great delight in only eating pears which had yet to ripen.

But her tireless efforts had no effect and the seasons carried on regardless.


Towards the end of her life, her intolerance begun to extend to the concept of day turning into night and she had eventually refused to sleep at all saying enigmatically, 'That just encourages the cheeky cunt!"

She leaves behind a weary husband and 12 traumatised grandchildren.

Kenny MacArsekhole Writes...

The justice secretary looks through the names of those non-politicians suspected of drinking without his permission

His Excellency Commissar Comrade Kenneth MacArsekhole writes an open letter to his people.

Greetings to you the humble and exalted proletariat.

People often say to me, "Kenny, Is it no a bit rich you banging on and on about the evils of alcohol when you were arrested for being drunk and disorderly outside a fitba' match?" To them I can only say, "shut yer mooth!" Yeah yeah yeah it's boring now OK. 

Then just the other day the Venerable peoples representative for Perthshire South and Kinross-shire Comrade Cunningham, was accused of launching in to a 'boozy rant' at a couple of blue rinse capitalistic swine in a Hollyrood bar.

Now these same idiots are coming out the woodwork again. "Blah blah that's a bit rich, blah blah hypocrisy etc etc". Need I go on?(Glug glug glug aaahhhh)

Well I'm going to anyway. Comrade Cunningham and myself are socialists. That means we believe in bettering the working class.(hic!) Who better to better them than their bettersh? This is why we are bringing in a minimum price for alcohol.(hic!) Comrade Cunningham exemplified this policy. You didn't catch her down the park with a six pack of Spesh, abusing passers by. No! She had the decency to glug highly expensive but subsidised Chateau neuf du pape and abuse tory MSP's.(Slurrrrp!)

Because I and Comrade Cunningham are socialists we believe that the government should pay for thingsh. Thingsh like our highly lucrative shalaries and expenshes and of course the odd bottle or three of extortionate  plonk.(hic!)

There is no hypocrishy in thish whatshoever.(buuuurrp!) Shcuse me! We are simply keeping in touch with the people by shelflessly experiencing the evils of alcohol for ourselves, all the better to combat it. The SNP are a party of the people. We stand for justice, abstinance and...er...geez a minute er....( at this point an aide appears and whispers in the commrades ear) Independence! Aye that's it. I always forget that one, Independence. The right to self determination. Excshept of course the right to determine to get reekin on cheap booze unless you're a commissar like me Eck and Roseanna.

Power to the people! Long live the revolution.!(hic!)

100th Satire Article Causes Sensation

Our Celebration earlier. Good. Isn't it

Happy New Year and Ceud mile failte, as pretentious twats who don't speak gaelic say on those fucking awful Hogmanay shows hosted by Jackie Bird, to our 100th article.

Congratulation flooded in from all our reader earlier this morning. What a fantastic journey it has been. Who would have thought all those years ago when Mr. Mingles and myself were unemployed and getting slightly fed up and disgusted with ourselves wildly  masturbating all day, that we would have reached the magnificent zenith of 100. Yes that's right, that's with two zero's. Our 100th article in just under four years. That's roughly a workload of 2.35 articles a month. Phew!

Earlier last year Mr. Mingles and myself got together to discuss this very eventuality. It was a heavy brainstorming session over two skinny lattes in Beanscene well into the we small hours of later that same afternoon. What would it be about? Perhaps an hilarious spoof of a well known talking heads,100 down to 1, nostalgia show. Maybe an irreverent lampoon of a well known political or celebrity figure. Or per chance a live action broadcast starring Ant & Dec, Graham Norton and Pippa Middleton's arse.

In the end after much deliberation and soul searching, we decided we couldn't be fucked really, so here it is in all it's resplendent glory.

What do you think this is? The Onion? Piss off!

"Congratulations on your 100th article and may you die of mange."

Alex Salmond

"The Satire is an inspiration to us all. We can only crouch in it's magnificent shadow."

The Onion

"100 articles in three years? That's not really very good is it?"

AA Gill

"I find your articles puerile, offensive, homophobic, xenophobic and devoid of sensitivity."

Jeremy Clarkson

"I salyoot your indefatigable organ. May the wrath of Allah descend upon your heads."

George Galloway

"Not nearly enough articles about me."

Robert Kilroy Silk

"oooOOOOooooohhh Mr. Tinky winky wonky woo doesn't like The Satire, coz it's like bigoted an stuff, an your rude an nasty to people."

Russel Brand

"Oh God Yeah! Do you remember when The Satire first came out?  It was brill! Along with space hoppers and sherbet dabs and Tiswas and your mum hated it."

Stuart Maconie

Pvt. Walker Appointed 'Minister for Earning a Few Bob on The Side Guv.'

 

Pvt. Walker as he would of looked in his new post, had he not been pan breed years ago

In a totally unprecedented move never before attempted by any government David Cameron has appointed a dead fictional spiv to a newly created cabinet position.

Pvt. Joe Walker off of Dad's Army, known for his crafty cockney cheeky chappy antics, and his extremely resourceful  ability to acquire and procure all sorts of contraband under the most difficult of circumstances. ie- "a bloody war on y'know". Is set to take up the post immediately.

In a statement to the media yesterday, standing in front of a statue of Churchill to give himself gravitas. The Prime Minister claimed.

"Look, these are difficult times we are all living in. Times not unlike the great unpleasantness of 1939 where Britain stood alone against the menace of Johnny Foreigner and his disgusting continental ways. And like the fat bloke immortalised behind me, Sir. Ray Winston. I will not shirk responsibility. Other than to engage in a Putin-esque  cock out display like what I did the other week, running about in shorts, crawling through culverts and so forth."

"To this end I have appointed the only man who can drag us through these terrible times. Who can forget his amazing knack of being able to secure bottles of champagne, tights or chocolates for Captain Mainwaring. A pound of beef for Jonesey. Or a thrupence worth of snout for Frazer. All at a knockdown price off the black market. Capitalism in action. How much more could he achieve with the full weight of government behind him? In this our darkest hour."

Asked from across the floor of the house by Ed Balls, what the new "Procurement Tsar" was going to do about the shite economic situation and that. Mr. Cameron replied, " I refer the honourable gentleman to this DVD box set of Dad's Army", which he brandished to his benches to rapturous hurrahs.

James Beck was unavailable for comment today, or indeed any day, as he cowped in 1973.

                                        

New for ITV1 in 2013!

(Pictured: Robson Green as Dr Tony Parsley.)

Coming Soon to ITV1 - Parsley & Sage

From the team who brought you the hugely popular "Rosemary & Thyme" now comes ... Parsley & Sage.

Tony Parsley is an occult herbalist. Theodora Huffington Sage is a wise wiccan woman and pagan astrologist. Together they solve crimes. Mainly missing persons and divorce cases.

Starring Robson Green and Caroline Quentin. 

Speaking exclusively to 'The Satire' relaxing on set between takes, star of the show Robson Green told us, "What they do is pretty routine work to be honest. I mean, at best they'll get a brief sense of achievement when they catch an unfaithful husband. But it's quickly replaced by the realisation that another marriage is now over. And what about the poor kids? Plus, everyone knows missing persons cases rarely end well ..."

To be frank, it's all thoroughly draining and depressing stuff. I'm on tranquilisers now. And my GP is pretty sure it's all down to filming this series."

"The thing is - it was all going so fucking well. I've just got re-married. We've got a new baby on the way. We've just moved into a lovely new home with a beautiful garden. And there are all of these great local amenities for the older kids. For the first time in years my ex-wife and I are on really good terms and her and Jenny get on like sisters!"

"But it's all turned to shit now, since I've been working on this show."

"Don't write this bit down, but I've started drinking again. And seeing prostitutes.  I pay them to humiliate me. It's the only way I can find any sort of peace from the screaming despair that now prowls around my head 24/7. Please help me. For the love of Christ, please help me!"

Parsley & Sage. Sunday nights. ITV1. 9pm.

(Viewers please note: the opportunity for the above-named characters to demonstrate, discuss or display any occult, wiccan, magic or supernatural powers, visions or extra-sensory perceptions of any kind is not utilised in any of the storylines, visuals, sub-plots or peripherals of this series - merely in the title itself.)

Another Unique! Reader Offer from Your Super Soaraway Satire!

Partridge On ... Cartridge!

"Hello, I'm TV's Alan Partridge and it was whilst lying here in my hospital bed recovering from a rather nasty fall that I first re-discovered my enormous love of The Cartridge."

"It was while listening to the Hospital Radio station here that I first had the idea. It really was shit. I mean, absolutely diabolical. The guy really didn't know how to 'link and chat, link and chat' and I thought to myself, 'I could ruddy well do that!' "

"I said to myself, 'we've got one of the nations very best broadcasters lying here unused while that ... Useless shit, pollutes the airwaves with his ... Shit."

"I mean, most of them are on heavy medication anyway, so you could pump any old rubbish in through the cans and they wouldn't even notice. But it did get me thinking back to my own early start in hospital radio all those years ago."

"And here's the point I was coming to - we had to play the music from cartridges back then - 8-track cartridges. None of your fancy digital whatsits and whatnots. Just you, the contents of your head, a well-thumbed copy of Giles Brandreth's pocket puns and your music cartridges  ..."

"They really are a marvellous little invention. Whether used to store a rockin' good Wings or Rod Stewart album, or as the robust outer-housing for your trusty dot matrix printer ink - they really are quite quite wonderful little things."

"So join me as I enter the fascinating little world of the cartridge! In 'Partridge On ... Cartridge' "

"Sunday nights, 9pm. BBC One. Prime time. Full details to be confirmed. I mean, it'll definitely be on the Beeb somewhere .."

Only available through mail-order. See ad below for details.
Please Note - This series is only currently available on 8-track cartridge.

It's a Knockout Death Penalty Re-instated

The government has today has given in to mounting pressure to impose stricter penalties on the increasing number of 1970's Radio and TV personalities being implicated in sex scandals.

Home Secretary Teresa May speaking to The Satire this morning said the government had now moved swiftly to bring in strong additional deterent measures. And from midnight tonight the 'It's a Knockout ' Death Penalty will be imposed on any and all 1970's Radio and TV personalities found guilty of appearing in the tabloids or on Twitter accused of any sort of sex act.

Mrs May told The Satire,"We're not waiting anymore until they've been found 'Guilty' by a 'Court of Law' using 'Fair and Judicial Practice in Accordance with Centuries of Legal Precedent and Magna Carta' or any of that poncy euro-bollocks!"

"As soon as they're accused, it's straight to the prison cells and summary execution the very next morning. It's the only way to deal with these sort of vile beasts in a United Kingdom known throughout the World to be the Very Beating Heart of Democracy."

"And this is the only civilised way to protect that democracy and the subjugates, I mean subjects ... sorry 'people' who serve her, I mean live here, I mean, you know, what are they called ... the punters. Yes, we've really thought this one through and it's the best and fairest policy for all."

Further details of the new law were announced this morning. The perpetrator will be be released from the prison onto a piece of waste ground in Belgium dressed in a giant penguin costume and carrying two pails of water. They will then have to navigate a series of hilarious obstacles such as a giant inflatable water-slide filled with soapy bubbles, and inflatable tunnels & bouncy castles. Once they reach the end of the course any remaining water left in their pails will be measured by Eddie Waring and donated to charity.

They will then be shot through the back of the head by The Prime Minster, David Cameron -  who, to soften the blow (as it were) will be dressed in a Mr Blobby costume.

"We're still deciding on the choice of music to play during the execution," said the Home Secretary. "But it'll have to be something light and fun. After all, when you're shooting someone through the back of the head on a piece of Belgian waste-ground, the whole thing can very easily turn into a bit of a downer ...eh, so I'm told ..."

The Satire believes the choice of music will either be 'Bang Bang' by BA Robertson or, to appease the Belgians, 'Ca Plane Pour Moi' by Plastic Bertrand.

"After all we are, effectively, murdering un-tried British citizens in their cuntry (Please note, Home Secretary's own spelling - ed)  And, technically, without their permission. And as you know Charles, in the modern Tory Party we are all about the compromise."

When asked whether the event will be televised in front of a live audience, the Home Secretary told us, "Don't be preposterous. This is a a matter of serious legal procedure and not something to be taken lightly. We may invite along some DJ's and some lucky local kids - and of course Sky have shown some interest. But it'll all be done in very good taste."

Loyal Orange Lodge of Scotland Pledge Allegiance to AntiChrist

Members on a recent fun run in aid of domestic violence victims. LOL

Following the recent announcement by their Royal Highnessesssess The Duke and Duchess of Kent that they are about to give birth to The Son of Perdition. 

The Grand Orange Lodge of Scotland grand Master, Mr William Drumcree has been the first to pledge their allegiance.

"LET US BE THE FIRST TO SWEAR OUR ETERNAL ALLEGIANCE!!! LOL" Bellowed the Grand Master of the order. "NO SURRENDER TO THE FORCES OF KING JAMES, NEIL LENNON, DANIEL O'DONNELL, AND POTPOURRI. LOL" He continued to rant in the face of our reporter.

Asked whether the Loyal Orange Lodge ,LOL, would find a contradiction in this given their "biblical" stance on things Mr. Drumcree replied, 

"THE LOYAL ORANGE LODGE, LOL, SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THIS PROVIDING HIS INFERNAL MAJESTY MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO MARRY A CATHOLIC, OR PREVENT US MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE PLACE PLAYING FLUTES ETC. LOL. OH AND BY THE WAY I DO NOT FIND THE ABBREVIATING OF OUR ORDER'S NAME TO THE TERM LOL REMOTELY FUNNY. OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MAYBE A BURNING CHAPEL. THE LOL WILL MARCH UP AND DOWN BANGING DRUMS AND KEEPING AWAKE ANYONE WHO DOES SO. SOME MISGUIDED MEMBERS MAY EVEN ROUGH YOU UP. SO BE WARNED!!!! LOL!"

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Marcus Welby (56) has also confirmed that this would pose no difficulties for the C of E.

"The C of E have no difficulties with the ascension to the throne of the Prince of Darkness. We are a broad church here and as long as he doesn't try to ordain a Buffty bishop or put a stop to the true work of the church, ie. coffee mornings, garden fetes, toddler groups etc. I'm chillaxed about it. Amen!"

Duchess of Kent Gives Birth to Antichrist

An Annoucement from St James Palace, From the Desk of Their Royal Highnesses, The Duke & Duchess of Kent

The Duke and Duchess of Kent are proud to announce the forthcoming birth of the Antichrist, The Great Counterfeiter, Satan  (Hebrew: הַשָּׂטָן ha-Satan, "the opposer"), Shaitan, Beelzebub. Although Wills & Kate thought Henry for a boy or Victoria for a girl sounded catchier.

Lucifer, The Great Beast, will be spewed into the world on Christmas Eve by blunt Caesarian Section in wry mocking of the Holy Season and the celebrations of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And the Waters shall Runneth with Blood. And there Shall be Great Famine, Dis-ease and Pestilence. And there Shall be Fucketh-all on telly worth watching, as usual.

Our First Born Son, Heir to the Throne of England and all of her Colonies, Abomination of Desolation & The Great Whore of Babylon shall take his throne almost immediately, after opening his Anti-Christ-Mass presents and the traditional festive turkey with all the trimmings; before setting forth upon a ten-thousand-year reign of terror and disorder to strike fear and sickening dread into the heart of good Christian men and women across the Land.

Cya! Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya!

Luv Wills & Kate
xxx


The Antichrist's proclamation will go ahead instead of the usual Queen's Speech on Christmas Day afternoon.

(Except for viewers in Scotland, who have their own programmes.)

Some other programmes in the schedule following The Apocalypse may be delayed, although the Strictly Come Dancing On Ice Christmas Special will go ahead as planned.

Fat C**t Moyles In Latest DJ Arrest Scandal

Chris Moyles boring himself shitless on Radio 1

Scandal erupted yet again at the BBC yesterday as it emerged their former breakfast show star and bad boy Chris Moyles was the latest ex Radio 1 DJ arrested on abuse charges.

It is alleged that Mr. Moyles (38) regularly abused millions of people on a daily basis. Police sources claim that the toll may be as high as a staggering 8 million listeners between 1998 and 2012, before finally someone realised he was utter shite.

One alleged victim of Moyles' vile abuse was a young lady who was only 12 at the time of his predatory and sickening broadcasts. The woman who would only give her name as Miss X, told The Satire!
"I was alone in my bedroom early one morning. I had been feeling lonely and a bit depressed. I awoke to find  that foul man forcing his attention upon me out of my radio alarm clock. I pleaded for him to stop, but the beast kept on and on and on until I managed to stretch over and pull the plug out. God only knows what would have happened had my arms not been long enough to resist his advances."

Another victim of portly presenter, Satire contributor Mr. C. Mingles(50), claimed
 "I see his fat sweaty five o'clock be shadowed face bearing down on me at night. Spouting cockney, cheeky chappy, barra boy bollocks as his sycophantic co-presenters egg him on. The crappy music. It's monstrous."
A spokesman for the BBC hit back today. "This really has nothing to do with us. All we had to work on was rumour and innuendo. Christ alive! Do you honestly think any of us actually listened to his show?"

Chris Moyles was available for comment all day yesterday, as he had ran out of  new Carphone Warehouses to open up. But frankly we've heard quite enough of him thank you very fucking much.

Sir Jimmy Saville Announced as New Doctor Who

In another stunning development in the Jimmy Saville scandal, the BBC have just announced Saville as the new Doctor Who.

Head of Children's Drama Davie Donaldson yesterday defended the decision, saying Saville was a much-loved British institution and a perfect fit for the role.

"It's been thought for a while that we need to reach a wider demographic with Doctor Who and who better to reach that demographic than that much-loved family entertainer, Sir Jimmy.

" I have to say I find these allegations against Our dear Jim that he is some sort of kiddie-diddler - and even worse the unkind smear that he died over a year ago - outrageous. He's just taken his time to respond to our emails, I'm sure that's all it is.

"Anyway, we recorded the new series last year so are planning to air episode one tonight on BBC1 after Strictly Come Dancing. It's a sure-fire ratings winner!"

The Satire believes that in this first episode, "Lord Doctor Sir Jimmy of Who" rescues a gang of teenage space gals from an evil alien schoolteacher using his flying Tardis-Caravan to whisk the girls off to the safety of his cottage in the Highlands where they can work for Sir Jimmy in little French Maids outfits doing bits & bobs around the house and getting Jim'll Fix it badges as rewards.

Four particular 14-year-old girls, hand-picked by Sir Jim, will also be working as his Assistants in the series, sitting on his knee whilst he puffs on his cigar explaining the plot and spending the rest of their time dancing awkwardly in the background, 1970's Top of the Pops style.

Mr Donaldson denied allegations this would further fuel the current crisis.

"These allegations against Lord Jimmy (Peace be Upon His Name) are ridiculous. Anyway, he already has his own distinctive Dr Who-style costume and catchphrases and so on. And we've even managed to get that big red throne-chair thing he used to sit in during 'Jim'll Fix It.' So now he can fly through space in style.

"He's got it all. The cigar, the shell-suit, the jewellery, the gold blond mop, the endless catchphrases, 'Uh-uh-uh-uh, What's this that's going on here then, Goodness me' etc. We've even managed to include his wrestling experience as one of his Super Powers. Frankly, the first series practically wrote itself.

"And don't even ask me about the merchandising possibilities for the Christmas market. We're sitting on a goldmine here, and as usual it's all thanks to Sir Jimmy!!

"We're already working with a leading pants manufacturer to produce teenage girls pants with Sir Jimmy's cheeky smiling face on the front. You mark my confident & utterly unassailable words - they'll sell like fuckin' hotcakes and (off the record, just between you and me) I'm in for 20%. God bless his Lord Jimmyship!

"Anyway, everyone knows Matt Smith is an irritating little twat and we'll all be glad to see the back of him. Under his stewardship, the role of Dr Who has deteriorated into nothing more than a boyband style heart-throb only watched by 12 and 13-year-old girls. This won't be an issue with Sir Jim, that's for sure. Everyone knows he's always been a thoroughly clean-cut all-round family entertainer. And, I don't know if you're aware of this, he does do a helluva lot of work for charity. I can't see what could possibly go wrong here."

Accusations that this is another insensitive move in the current climate were also waived away by the Director General yesterday.

"'Please, please, give us some credit. Those accusations are against a completely different Sir Jimmy Saville from your dearly beloved Auntie Beeb, it's all under control. Who do you think you're dealing with here - some sort of arrogant deluded out-of-touch fucking idiots? You are soo naive dude! Like, get with the programme, loll."