Nicola Sturgeon in Independence Shock!!!

Nicola Sturgeon recovering from the shock yesterday

From our Political Correspondent: Chas MacMingus



SNP Fuhrer Nicola Sturgeon was recovering from "extreme shock" yesterday after accidentally discovering what the word Independence means. According to an insider. 

The event comes hard on the heals of Ms Sturgeons recent recovery from delicate surgery to amputate her trouser suit.The SNP are said to be in disarray(Surely MORE disarray. Ed) over the incident. Our source went on to explain that Oor Nicky had been relaxing in Bute House while watching Countdown with a wee scone(Is that Mhairi Black? Ed) and a cup of tea. (Rumours that she had a Tunnock's tea cake have been vehemently denied).

"The fuhrer was just sitting there laughing her tits aff at Gyles Brandreth, she thinks he's hilarious, when suddenly she let out an unearthly shriek and fell ironically aff her fainting couch.Turns out someone made the word 'Independence' out of their selected letters. When Susie Dent read out the dictionary definition as "the fact or state of being independent" Nicola just went into an apoplexy spitting Scottish Blend all over the telly screen. As Susie read out the synonyms "self governance, autonomy, self determination," and finally "sovereignty." Poor Nicola let out a series of agonising moans. That last ane "sovereignty" nearly killed her. The best part is, the word was disqualified for being three letters too long. By the Countdown team that is..no the SNP. But gie them time."

A report claims that Ms. Sturgeon had recovered sufficiently later that day to call an emergency meeting and "rip us all up for arse paper."
"You ya fat blimp!" She raged at Deputy Leader Angus Robertson MP. "Why did ye no tell me that's what independence means? Here's me gonny look a right eejit. Tellin' everybody it means whooring yer arse to the EU." The rotund Robertson was however equally aghast, as he hadn't a bull's notion what the word actually meant either.
The only three people who knew within the SNP were Jim Sillars, Jim Fairlie and sneakily..Alex Salmond.

Despite the stunning blow, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP are not planning to change their definition.
"Yer average SNaPer is either too thick or too lazy to tumble". Said  a cheery Nicola Sturgeon.


Nicola Sturgeon looks 65


NEXT: The Environment-  SNP Plan to Power Scotland With Energy From Wendy Wood Spinning in Her Grave.

New MP Reveals Ambition to be a Signpost

Miss Black practising being a No Entry sign

Britain's youngest MP since Pitt the foetus has both shocked and delighted parliament by announcing a long held ambition to be a "Signpost". 

Mhairi Black, who represents Paisley and Renfrewshire South, broke the news of her shock career change of plans in her maiden speech in the house yesterday to rapturous and unnecessary applause.

Miss Black, who trounced previous Labour incumbent and pigeon impersonator Douglas Alexander at the last General Election, has not yet decided what kind of signpost she wants to be. Although an SNP insider has revealed that it will most probably be a Keep Left sign.

Mhairi is not the only SNP politician with a desire to be an inanimate object. Alex Salmond revealed recently that he longed to be a urinal in the European parliament and Nicola Sturgeon dreams of being a doormat in the same building.

The people of Paisley are still reeling from Mhairi's staggering Election result.

"Hof of us didnae even realise there wis an election oan." Said 90 year old Agnes MacTights of Ferguslie Park. "The other hof thought she wis Mary Black the folk singer,"

Mhairi Black is finishing her homework.

Unemployment to Rocket Among Experts If Scotland Leaves UK Claim Experts

Some experts looking gravely concerned earlier

Thousands of experts will find themselves on the unemployment scrapheap, and forced to go door to door voicing their opinions if Alex Salmond breaks up the UK according to some experts yesterday.

"It could really be the worst case scenario you could possibly imagine." Said one expert over the phone earlier today.  Professor David Donaldson of Napier University continued gravely.

 "You may end up with a multitude of experts walking the streets accosting passers by, begging for spare moments of their time, to expound to them their latest thoughts on the economy, climate change, gender issues, and other subjects that most people will find tedious and ill thought through. Or then again they might not. It's a tough one to call. What are you asking me for? I'm in charge of the Creative Writing course."

Another expert, Francis Douglas PhD of SCAPEGOAT (Society for the Concern And Protection of Experts Going On About Things) outlined the potential seriousness of the situation.

"Allow me to outline the potential seriousness of the situation." He said pointing at a pie chart and some graphs. "At the moment experts are being consulted on a daily basis, sometimes up to six times, about what a pile of shite an Independent Scotland will be, or not, depending on who's asking. Our projections show that after Independence this kind of consultation will drop off to almost nothing. Disastrous. Probably. But don't quote me on that." He concluded feeding all his charts through a shredder.

The Satire caught up with some experts, who'd previously confidently claimed Gordon Brown to be an economic genius of a man who would romp to victory at the last general election.

 Prof John Turner of the British Antarctic Survey, currently trapped in sea ice he said shouldn't have been there, aboard the Akademik Shokalskiy, told us via a crackly line.

"Listen, smart cunts. I only said that about Gordon Brown down my local pub, ok. Yes yes everyone thinks it's easy being an expert. All they think we have to do is pull some stats out our arse, mumble some vague academic shite and use a lot of modals like could, might, probably, possibly. Fling in the odd phrase about 'studies suggest', and Robert's yer dads brother. Well it's a lot more difficult than that, I can tell you to my fucking chagrin mate."

Scotland to Break Away From UK Using Wind Turbines

Just a small amount of the proposed turbines

Oor Eck Showing the only way is UP(Literally)

In a shock announcement earlier today, The First Minister has exclusively revealed to your favourite online news source his brilliant plan to literally break Scotland away from the UK.

Shouting from a window in Bute House as he couldn't be arsed bumping into Nicola Sturgeon in the vestibule Mr. Salmond told The Satire..

" I was in the bath listening to Val Doonican's version of 'The Windmills of Your Mind' by Michel Legrand. Great stuff by the way, the production is fantastic. Anyway, It struck me that with the sheer amount of the fucking things we are building already we are, as Bon Jovi has astutely observed, half way there. If we step up the proliferation of the bird killing blight, I am convinced that within a year not only will we generate enough energy to power a small toaster( no more than 2 slice), but enough lift to rip Auld Scotia loose of it's ancient terrestrial fetters. Finally we can truly fly free. Ayyyy thenk yo!!!"

He then shouted "gardyloo!!" and emptied a bedpan left by previous incumbent Jack McConnell, all over us. 

"This is complete and utter madness!" Claimed a passing boffin who seemed to know a bit about turbines and that.

"No amount of turbines will actually create ANY lift at all. In fact it's doubtful how much electricity they will produce. Be that as it may, even if they were in fact giant propellers they will not be able to lift the whole of Scotland. If anything they'll just rip themselves out of the ground and spin about decapitating every fucker. Might I suggest fracking instead?"

"This sounds completely feasible to me." Chipped in environMENTAList and Guardian columnist George Monbiot. "However I believe that Scotland's future lies in still being attached to Great Britain. So I think the turbines should be rigged the other way so that it pushes us closer together."

Scottish Conservative leader and Wee Jimmy Cranky impersonator Ruth Davidson commented..

"I agree with George Monbiot that the UK should not be broken up. But think about the cost of this. For the price we could get a high speed train that runs from Glasgow to Edinburgh 20 minutes faster."

A homeless guy sitting nearby, gave his opinion stating..

" I don't really know much about turbines or the environment and stuff. But maybe we should all calm the fuck down and have a we bit more reasoned debate. Fuck knows! I can't stop shitting in my pants so what do I know?"

NHS Scotland Appoint New Chief Executive

                       (Sir Lancelot MacSpratt MBE, OBE, DSO and Bar.)


First Minister Alex Salmond has approved the appointment of a new Chief Executive for the health service in Scotland.


Sir Lancelot MacSpratt has replaced the previous post holder, Dr.Kevin Woods who MacSpratt has tactfully described as "a complete arse!!!". Minister for Health Nicola Sturgeon has also given her approval.
 The Former Consultant and Surgeon will begin work immediately. His many duties will include being sarcastic and condescending whilst charging around bullying, and bellowing at underlings and the lower orders in general.

Sir Lancelot has a long and distinguished history in this field having starred in many Doctor at Large type movies where he was the terror of Dirk Bogarde, Leslie Phillips and a string of pretty actresses respectively.

" YOU BLITHERING IMBECILE!!" He roared down the phone at our Health Correspondent earlier today. He continued gruffly " Have you the foggiest notion what blessed time it is? Now listen here my good man, I happen to work for a living and have better things to do with my time than stand around chit chatting on the dashed telethingy with the likes of you. Do I make myself crystal clear?"
He then slammed the receiver down on the fingers of a junior Doctor and marched off purposefully to some rousing background music.

James Robertson Justice is Deceased.

Scottish Teens Biggest Bullshitters In Europe

         ( The Youth of Today: Just look at the bloody state of them. Tsk! Bullshitters!) 

Scottish teenagers are the biggest bullshitters in Europe according to the results of a new study by UNICEF.

The two hundred page document released yesterday also claims that Scots teens are third in the world league tables of bullshitters behind Americans at No.1 and Nigerians in the No.2 slot. The damning report also claims that children are getting into bullshit as young as 9 years old. 

Among the many things that Scottish teens mainly talk shite about are:

• Regularly having sex(mainly boys). 
• Getting completely rat arsed on 10 cans of super lager(boys)/Breezers(girls).
• Being involved in Gang fights/Drug wars.
• Doing Hunners of Drugs by the way.
• Claiming to be the hardest cunt at school(boys again).
• Going to get their room tidied up.

A sad, typical and unfortunately common example of this alarming trend in teenage behaviour, is one Robert 'Psychoasbo' Henry(14) of Uddingston Grammar School Lanarkshire. Self confessed drug dealer and hard case Robert gave his harrowing story last week. Wearing what looked like women's tights on his head underneath a giant Elmer Fudd sized cap, and lots of bling. He swaggered awkwardly up and down the classroom in front of a group of assembled journalists, grabbing his crotch and swearing a lot with an unconvincing machismo, and gave his shocking account of teenage life in Scotland. 

John Littlerichard of the Daily Mail seethed with anger as the young thug related how he ran a massive heroin empire from his bedroom by the time he was 11 years old. At 12 he got into prostitution "pimping out" his "hoes" for £10 a shot to 5th year boys, and incredibly, girls. By 13 he had"razored the fuck out of twenty men" and gunned down another three in cold blood for "dissing" him. But the seeds of the young psychopath's tragic existence had been sown in his broken childhood.

Polly Playnwasp of The Guardian broke down in tears, as the boy told of his alcoholic father who beat him with a toaster every day since he was 3 months old. Sometimes the cruel monster would force him to lick his shoes clean, as he repeatedly jammed his head in a Corby trouser press while his drug addled mother laughed and threw rotten fruit. Eventually his father sold him to Arab slave traders and the boy only escaped by offering sexual favours, then running away when their trousers were down round their ankles.

The reporters were less impressed later on when the boy's perfectly respectable parents arrived in their Range Rover to take him to violin practise.

First Minister Alex Salmond welcomed the report however. "This plainly shows once again that under an SNP led Independent Scotland, We as a nation could once again hold our heads high. Leading the world. Even if it is only in blethering a load of pish."

The Bullshit continues.

Simple Salmond Says!

In yet another sensational coup by your favourite online news source, starting this week, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond joins The Satire for a new weekly column. In it Alex will be answering all your questions in his own inimitable,  smug, self confident yet overly simplistic style.

Our first question this week comes from a Mr. Jack McConnell from Motherwell who writes:

Dear Alex,

Having left Bute House unexpectedly and in somewhat of a rush, I inadvertently forgot a £50 note and an 18 year old bottle of Talisker behind. It should be in my, er ..your desk, bottom drawer right. Any sign?

Salmond Says: Naw! Next time try flushing the toilet as well ya dick. The stench was rotten. Curry was it?

Q: Dear Mr Salmond,

My Husband and I are on the lookout for a new car. He is keen for something economical, what with the current climate. I have lots of trendy friends, as we live in the West End and therefore need something environmentally friendly to avoid embarrassment at dinner parties. Diesel or Petrol? Mrs Bunty McIver. Glasgow

Salmond Says: Under an SNP led independent Scotland petrol will be 2p per gallon. While we pledge to invent a new engine that runs on coal. 

Q: Look here Mr. Salmond,

Do you seriously believe that an Independent Scotland is either attainable or even viable in the current Globalist trend? The CBI and The Adam Smith institute say no. You're smarter than them are you?  J Paxman. Oxon

Salmond Says: First of all, Good Evening Jeremy. Secondly may I just say how typical this is of anti SNP and anti Scottish bias often displayed by the BBC in London. Thirdly yes and yes again. Problem?!

Q: What's heavier? A ton of lead or a ton of feathers? A. F Uckwit.  Fife

Salmond Says: Ha Ha! You don't catch me out with that old chestnut. Under an SNP led Independent Scotland both a feather and a lump of lead will weigh exactly the same, thus avoiding the old confusion and inequalities of the past.

Q: Dear Mr. S,

My girlfriend and I are about to announce our engagement and are planning a modest reception in a local hotel, probably around May. I understand that some sort of alcoholic refreshment is in order and white wine is the usual tipple. I favour the Chateau Delmond Sauternes 2000. However I am assured by my girlfriend that this is a dessert wine, and will result in a social faux pas akin to a fart in the chapel. She is heart set on the Ch. Malartic Lagraviere 2007, but it's £30 a pop for fucksakes! Any suggestions?  Mr. H. Donald. Edinburgh

Salmond Says: Congratulations! Never fear. SNP to the rescue once more. Under new legislation being rammed through without so much as a 'by your leave' by my colleague and Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill. Sales of alcohol to anyone below the rank of MSP will be outlawed. Starting April. Tesco do nice sparkly juice for 99p.

Q: Alex Salmond,

Before the Scottish elections you promised an extra 500 police on the beat. Now it seems you were talking out your arse. Ditto with your plans to ditch the hated council tax. How's that one coming along? K. Wark.  Glasgow

Salmond Says: Here we fuckin go. Yet again GOOD EVENING! Listen Kirsty. If you get get off your knees and get Jack McConnell's cock out of your gob for a minute you might actually say something worth listening to. Instead of droning on in that patronising nasal drawl of yours boring us all shitless on Newsnight Review. I went to see a film you said was "a supreme and uplifting example of the genre" the other night and it was pish.

How about my money back? Aha, one rule for you and another for everyone else. Stick to flashing your pins love. BTW David Baddiel was much better on Book Quiz. An that's saying something. 

That's all from Alex this week folks. Please leave your comments and questions for Alex and he will endeavour to answer them all in his very own sarcastic manner. 

Roslin Institute Set To Begin Salmond Farming At Loch Fyne

(Pictured: A Commercial Salmond Pen. And an earlier attempt gone wrong.)

The World Famous Roslin Institute is to begin commercial Salmond farming in Argyle a top Boffin announced yesterday.

The Institute also amusingly known as "The Royal (Dick)School of Veterinary Studies based at the University of Edinburgh ,announced the ambitious plans at a press conference yesterday afternoon.

Roslin Institute famous for cloning Dolly the sheep claimed the project would be a roaring international success story. According to the institutes chief egghead Prof. Donald McKillop

"The demand for Salmond on the International market has risen exponentially over the last 2 years and in order to keep up with that demand we have to farm Salmond intensively."

There seems to be no doubt Salmond is a highly popular dish both here and abroad due to its good taste and resilience to adverse conditions. However The Institute came under heavy criticism from government bodies and the press alike when an earlier attempt to popularise Salmond resulted in impotency in the subject, and Salmond completely disappeared from the menu for years. Prof. McKillop conceded. "That was indeed a setback but despite the criticism we got it right this time. Salmond is very definitely here to stay.

Others are not so convinced. A spokesman for the Brown Party said

" We oppose the intensive farming of Salmond, we acknowledge that it is a popular creature and cant help admire its vitality, demonstrated by it's exuberant leaps and huge splashes. But it is also expensive and pretentious and we believe the novelty will soon wear off. You just can't go tinkering around playing God."

Despite the nay saying the popularity of wild Salmond continues to rise and Roslin claims it has the answer. " In A few years a Salmond will be at every table round the world" said the Professor, peering over the top of his glasses in a superior fashion. "You can't hold back scientific progress forever.

Despite the seeming success a similar project with the Sturgeon has been shelved indefinitely.

Alex Salmond Accidentally Buys £20m Conservatory for Parliament

(Above left: An easily sourced picture of Alex Salmond looking like a smug cunt. Right: A drawing of a conservatory which looks absolutely nothing like the one the daft twat ordered)

Senior Ministers were black-affronted yesterday after Alex Salmond ordered a £20m conservatory extension for the back of the Scottish Parliament - after a double-glazing sales call was mistakenly put straight through to his office.

Aides immediately attempted to play down the incident commenting that Mr Salmond always prides himself on being available to his 'much-loved Scottish public' and was so swept along by the sales technique that he agreed to the £20m extension on the spot.

Sources close to the First Minister were quick to dismiss allegations that this throws doubt on his decision-making abilities and makes him look like a gullible twat.

This comes hot on the heels of last week's revelation that he recently paid a gang of drunk gypsies £200m to tarmac The Royal Mile.