Shitty Skiddies Death Toll Reaches 100,000

One of the many "cases" of Shitty Scants discovered in Wishaw yesterday

From our Health Correspondent: Dr. Charles Mingin'

The Scottish Government are set to introduce new harsher control measures after deaths with shitty scants rose to 100,000 this year.

In Wishaw alone yesterday over 100 new cases of Shitey scants emerged as testing increased.

"This is Arsemageddon!" Exclaimed serial gobshite Nicola Sturgeon to a packed room of assembled credulous media fuckwits at Holyrood earlier today. She chuntered on.. "When oh when will the public realise the very real and present danger this skiddy pants epidemic presents? Accordingly I will be announcing stricter new restrictions later today and by fuck you cunts better dae as yer telt otherwise al set Humza oan yeez. Understood?"

The announcement comes as Scant deaths spiral upwards and cases of Skidmarks continue to rise despite the previous measures imposed. The harsh new rules include

- Making the wearing of your scants on the outside of yer troosers compulsory so as the polis can check them.

- Closing down of all curry houses and a ban on sales of ready meals containing curry dishes from supermarkets. Guinness and Buckfast tonic wine have been on a growing list of beverages, including coffee, to be banned.

- Scary films have been blocked on Amazon and Netflix as opposed to previously only on the cooncil telly.

- A ban on g-strings and thongs which seem to be the main cause of deaths with shite stains.

- Travel bans to India. Pakistan, Most of Asia and Africa, Venezuela and of course...Wales.

- Schoolchildren to be stopped from giving each other wedgies in the playground as teachers are becoming feart which in turn is increasing the number of cases.

However, Mail on Sunday Jeremiah Peter Hitchens tore into the new rules.

"Look, there is really no reason to believe that just because a middle aged man pulled from a canal is wearing a pair of soiled under garments, that's what he died OF. Dying WITH honking shreddies is not the same as dying OF them. Correlation is not necessarily causality. How many sodding times do I have to say that?" He thundered before launching into yet another one on Grammar schools.

Respected Epidemiologist with qualifications falling out her arse, and co-author of The Great Shartingon Declaration, Prof. Sunetra Gupta added...

"It's not really my field of expertise this one, but I have to agree with what that beardy bloke from the Daily Mail just said. It's a well known fact that when you pop your clogs you obviously lose control of your farting strings and keech your breeks. That's probably what's making the daft cunts at SAGE and that put two and two together and make five for fuck's sakes. Another thing, how can you check for skids on exterior underwear?"

But fat hypocritical Etonian, fake headline peddling, Bullingdon Club twat Piers Morgan countered ..

"These Skidiots should be made visit a morgue and have the victim's shitty undies rubbed in their selfish faces. Then they should have to stand there and try to tell the grieving families their loved ones weren't killed by a skitter. This thing is real and it's a killer. As sure as there's a basement in the Daily Mail building."

Nicola Sturgeon's announcement has been turned into a faintly amusing anal smoke blowing exercise on Youtube by Janey Godley for anyone sad enough to care.

 

Ask The Doctor.

                     

Each week your favourite on line news source brings you top notch medical advice from a high profile celebrity Doctor. This week Dr. Christian Szell off of The Marathon Man answers all your dental related queries in his own inimitable and chilling fashion. So without anymore ado let's literally get on with it. 

Q. Dear Herr Doktor,

     My brother was recently run over in a car accident carrying the keys to a safe deposit box in Switzerland. In that box are over $100,000,000 in diamonds. I'm also having terrible problems with my wisdom teeth giving me gyp. To complicate matters even further I am a high profile Nazi war criminal hiding out in S. America. What I need to know from you is, is it safe?    Werner Von Abwehr,  Paraguay

A. Ja, Ja! Ist ein teaser. Vot I would do is tie someone to ein chair and go to work on zem vith a pair of pliers. The results however are disappointing, as zey often tell you what zey sink you want to know just to avoid the pain. Might I suggest ein cup of tea und ein friendly chat. Und if zat does not work. Knock zem out with ketamine in their tea. Und ven zey come round.Go to work on them with ein pair of pliers and ein Black und Decker drill. 

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm having a devil of a time trying to find a dentist In Edinburgh. Do you accept NHS patients.  Mrs I. MacTights. Saughton

A. Nein! I'm strictly ein private practice.

Q. Dear Doctor Szell,

     I'm thinking of quantitatively easing billions of pounds into the economy to try and prevent a double dip. Is it safe?

     G. Osborne. Westminster

A. Nein! It never worked for der fatherland in the 1930's

Q. Dear Dr. Szell,

     I wonder if in all the years you were in hiding if any of your mates thought it was hilarious to call you "Soft Szell" and sing Tainted Love whenever you were around?  Marc Almond.  (Address withheld)

A. Ha ha ha ha! Ja, ja sehr gut! Ja zat insufferable bastard Martin Bormann used to do that all the time. Der cunt didn't sink it voz zat funny when I knocked him out with ketamine in his tea, tied him to ein chair and went to work on him ven he came round with ein pair of pliers und ein hand drill with a windy handle on it. Ze squeaking alone drove him mad. As ein serendipity I subsequently discovered he was ein Soviet spy as well.

Q. Dr. Szell,

     I couldn't help admiring that retractable dagger you keep up the sleeve of your jacket for slashing the throats of nosey and accusatory ex concentration camp inmates. What I want to know is, has it ever popped out unexpectedly and embarrassingly at an inappropriate moment?  Anders Behring Breivik.  Norway

A. Ja! Once on ein Lufthansa flight out of Frankfurt Main a buxom stewardess bent over me to help me find mein seat belt giving me ein fine eyeful of her wunderbar tits. I had absent mindedly left mein fly open und Mein Gott!! Aus popped ze old schlanger auf die hosen. Alle ist well zat ends well. She gave me ein terrific noshing due to mein celebrity status... Ah Wait! I see vot you mean. You mean ze dagger. Ha ha I do love ein gut double entendre.

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm currently on the train from Surbiton to Waterloo doing the Daily Telegraph crossword and wonder if you could help me with 14 down. The clue is "Strong box with a combination lock for keeping valuables". Four letters ending in 'E'. Is it safe?  Major E. Southby Taylyor . via e-mail

A. Ja! Idiot!

Q. Dr. Szell,

     Has anyone ever told you you look a bit like my late uncle Charlie?  Ms R. Young. Blantyre

A. Nein!

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I'm a newly wed man and I'm finding it difficult to convince my young bride to perform fellatio upon me. I love her dearly and do not wish for this to come between us. I've tried covering it in chocolate but to no avail. Any advice? HRH Prince Wiliam.

A. Arschloch! I'm Herr Doktor Christian Szell. Not Dr. Fucking Ruth. Vot ze hell do I care? Knock ze bitch out with ketamine  or rohypnol.Ven she comes round go to work on her with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill till she complies.

Q. Dear Doctor,

     I am a 44 year old man. I saw my GP recently and was shocked when he ordered me to bend over and stuck his index finger up my arse. Is this normal, but most importantly is it safe? T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Zis is not mein area of expertise, not involving ein pair of pliers or ein drill. But I know enough to confidently assure you it is both safe und perfectly routine in a man your age.

Q. What? In the checkout queue in Waitrose? Barrroom Tchh!!! T.Laird. Edinburgh

A. Imbecile! Ze old ones are der best is zat not so?

Q. Liebe Herr Doktor,

     I was recently force fed a load of precious stones at gunpoint by Dustin Hoffman. It's playing merry hell with my movements. I haven't been able to have a crap properly for weeks now. I've been eating All Bran and prunes for days. Nothing! What say you?  Angela Merkel . Der Deutchen Bundestag

A. Schweinhund!!! Zat prick is always doing zat. Try an extra strong curry followed by some Jaaps. That got me going but zey really make your eyes water on the way out I can fucking tell you. Might I suggest the next time you see him you knock him out with ketamine, tie him to a chair till he comes round zen go to work on him with ein pair of pliers und ein Black und Decker drill.

That's all from the very busy psychopath. If you have any further questions for the good Doctor please put them in the comments section below and Dr. Szell will do his utmost to reply in between bouts of grisly torture.

Next Week.....  Dr. Ian Paisley

     

Soft Cock Syndrome Now an "Epidemic" In Edinburgh Says Boffin

             
                       (She's not shagging any of them. .... Tragic! Isn't It.)

                                   
                             (Madeley)


(Softcock)


Softcock Syndrome has reached epidemic proportions in Edinburgh and may soon infect the entire Western world claimed a top eggheady boffiny type bloke from his laboratory/office in Herriot Watt University today.

Professor Tom Laird (no relation whatsoever to The Satire Editor Tom Laird) Has spent the better half of the last five years developing his, some would say, controversial theory. " Softcock Syndrome is now an epidemic in Edinburgh, and may soon infect the rest of the western world. I have spent five years developing this theory." He said jabbing his pipe emphatically, in the direction of our science correspondent . He then continued to expand on his theory at length.

"Allow me to expand on my theory at length. Many years ago when women were first allowed to vote. Feminists* began to look for ways of turning the tables on men, whom they saw as a constant enemy that kept trying to shag them, get them to do the dishes and generally clean up after them and that. This just would not do. They formulated a plan in which they would be able to tame men, and so be left alone to watch soap opera's, buy shoes and gossip all day.

They would do this by convincing men that their normal sexual urges were evil and rapey and a bit annoying, and that overall, men should behave more in a sort of , well, "womany" kind of way.

The idea was that through the media they would humiliate, ridicule and condemn masculinity. While, at the same time, they would promote, elevate and Deify femininity. For many years their efforts were unsuccessful. Women who felt the need to associate with men without fear of being pestered for sex all the time had to hang out with gay men. This obviously had a limited appeal. After all, where's the empowerment, or fun, in hanging around with blokes who talk more bitchy bollocks than you do,and don't fancy you so you can't feel good about yourself?

This is when Feminists pulled of their master stroke. In 1990 they invented the "Metrosexual" male.  He dressed well, knew about shoes, curtains, and stuff. He was also able to roar and cry and get in touch with his so called "feminine side". But! Crucially. This is important. He still fancied the pants of you while putting up with your shite. Not to mention rejection after rejection while you got to feel empowered and desired while fucking other guys as the bi-annual notion took you.

The metrosexual, as embodied in that bloke who's married to Judy Finnegan off of the telly, is somewhat out of fashion today but his legacy remains in the NTPMFW. The Non Threatening Platonic Male FuckWit. Or to put it colloquially "The Softcock".

There is no known cure once a man succumbs to the condition and unfortunately it is growing exponentially. The only places that are Softcock free are the former eastern bloc and the third world. Where trouser wearing men can still be found in their wild and natural state."

Professor Laird has since had his funding suspended and is living in hiding.

*See The Satire article "Idiot Calls for Resignation of Oaf"

NHS Scotland Appoint New Chief Executive

                       (Sir Lancelot MacSpratt MBE, OBE, DSO and Bar.)


First Minister Alex Salmond has approved the appointment of a new Chief Executive for the health service in Scotland.


Sir Lancelot MacSpratt has replaced the previous post holder, Dr.Kevin Woods who MacSpratt has tactfully described as "a complete arse!!!". Minister for Health Nicola Sturgeon has also given her approval.
 The Former Consultant and Surgeon will begin work immediately. His many duties will include being sarcastic and condescending whilst charging around bullying, and bellowing at underlings and the lower orders in general.

Sir Lancelot has a long and distinguished history in this field having starred in many Doctor at Large type movies where he was the terror of Dirk Bogarde, Leslie Phillips and a string of pretty actresses respectively.

" YOU BLITHERING IMBECILE!!" He roared down the phone at our Health Correspondent earlier today. He continued gruffly " Have you the foggiest notion what blessed time it is? Now listen here my good man, I happen to work for a living and have better things to do with my time than stand around chit chatting on the dashed telethingy with the likes of you. Do I make myself crystal clear?"
He then slammed the receiver down on the fingers of a junior Doctor and marched off purposefully to some rousing background music.

James Robertson Justice is Deceased.